Space Probe Wakes Up Dying For A Piss And With A Mild Erection

philae

Somebody stick the kettle on FFS!”

Scientists from the European Space Agency, ESA, have reported that the Philae comet lander, which has been in hibernation since last November when it’s solar batteries died after landing on Comet 67P, has woken up and made contact with mission control. Early reports indicate that the lander was fully operational but urgently needed to go to the bathroom and was in a mild state of sexual arousal.

Professor Terry Carter, the Philae Project Manager, told reporters:

“Our data indicates that Philae was a little woozy and had a pretty full bladder, but we’re confident that after it’s been to the bathroom and brushed its teeth, it’ll be as right as rain. At this point we have no idea whether it dreamed of walking naked down a crowded street or of falling from a tall building, but we’re hoping to establish this over the next few days as more data becomes available”

When questioned about reports that the probe was in a semi-tumescent state, he went on:

“Yes Philae was sporting a bit of a lazy lob on, but a cold shower and an early morning run should do the trick in that regard. Failing that, we’ll switch off our monitoring equipment for ten minutes or so which will give it the chance to have a quick hand shandy behind a pile of rocks or something”

This sensational development comes just six months after the notorious, party-loving Russian probe, Vladimir, woke up in a pool of its own propellant at the bottom of a crater on Venus with a traffic cone on it’s head and a mouth like the inside of a Turkish wrestler’s jock strap.

The Space Cadet Herald

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