Danny Sparko: East London Heavyweight Consumers Champion

tough guy

Dear Danny

My only son is turning 18 this month, and to celebrate, we’re planning a big party at our house. The arrangements had all gone fairly well until this week when I was badly let down by our local priest who had promised to let us have some old pews belonging to the church that had been discarded to accommodate new ones. However, when I rang last night to arrange a time to collect them, the priest told me that he’d sold them to somebody else who had come in at the last minute with a higher bid. Now I’m at my wits end as we have over 200 guests due to arrive and I’m worried that people will have nowhere to sit when we have the garden buffet, so any help or advice you can give would be most welcome Danny.

Mary Dell



Dear Mary

I waited outside the church after morning mass and stuck one on his jaw as he was walking down the path. The boy went down like a sack of spuds so I gave him a few toe-enders in the kidneys while he was on the deck. At this point a woman from the congregation came steaming over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it but I told her it was between me and him and for her to shut it.

I then dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut in before following up with a few tasty digs to his solar plexus. This seemed to sicken the geezer big time and he’s hit the deck again. I could see he’d had enough by this time so I stamped on his face, giving him the old 5 millimetre tread and left him laying there.

I then dived into the church and had it on my toes with the collection box and a couple of gold crosses that I found laying on the altar. I’ll knock these out to a geezer I know with a smelter later on and send you any dosh I make after expenses. I’ve asked a couple of geezers from the firm to shoot over to the church later and unscrew some of the pews and deliver ’em to your gaff some time tomorrow, so you should be nicely sorted for the kid’s birthday scrimmage alright love?

If there’s anything else I can help you with just ask ok sweetheart? Hope the bash goes off alright, and if you need a couple of big lumps on the door in case it kicks off, I’ll send a couple of the chaps round ok?

All the very best Treacle

Your Pal


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