Monthly Archives: June 2015

Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire
I notice that disabled people get their own, designated parking bays at supermarkets which enable them to park closer to the entrance, and yet, when I switched on my TV to watch the Olympics, these same people were swimming, running, throwing javelins and racing round tracks in wheelchairs. Where’s the fairness in that?
Come on disableds…you can’t have it both ways.

Ronnie Fuck
Newington Butts

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

BRITAIN SET TO DEPLOY SIMON COWELL’S HUGE TROUSERS AFTER ISLAMIC STATE INCURSION ONTO OLLY MURS’S BIG FACE

olly

He gotta big face!

The British government last night intimated that they could use pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell’s enormous trousers to quell insurgency after Islamic State fighters were spotted on the gigantic face of pop icon, Olly Murs, by American spy planes last week.

A spokesman for the Ministry Of Defence said last night: “Intelligence reports from our American allies indicate that a small number of militia from Islamic State have set up a base on Olly Murs’s big face. This is clearly a statement of intent from the extremists and we have alerted Simon Cowell and asked him to be prepared to deploy his massive trousers if called upon to do so”

It is believed that Cowell’s trousers will be taken by Chinook helicopters to the target area, around Murs’s enormous forehead and then dropped over the jihadist’s enclave in a bid to suffocate them into submission.

The defence spokesman remained tight-lipped, however, when asked about rumoured plans to get BBC London, radio phone-in host, Vanessa Feltz, to sit on the extremist stronghold and squash them to death with her bloody great fat arse.

Reuters.

That’s all folks! I’m outta here. Pastures new and all that. Thanks for your kind attention.

Regards

Clivey.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

As today is Father’s Day, I’d be very interested to know why it is that all dads that have passed away are immediately renamed “Harold” as soon as they have passed through The Gates Of Paradise.

I know this to be true because I once heard The Bishop of London say during a sermon: “Our fathers, who art in Heaven. Harold be thy name”

What, all of ’em? Where’s the fairness in that then?

Bob Harold

British Guyana.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

London Woman Forced To Wage Jihad In Syria Following Misleading Online Holiday Review

isis holiday pic

“Last one in the pool’s an infidel hyena!”

Following the exposure in the media of the recent spate of spurious holiday reviews online, a 59-year-old widow from South London has revealed that she was held captive for 8 months in Syria by Islamic State fighters and made to engage in bitter hand to hand conflict with Kurdish forces after being duped into travelling to the region by a bogus review she found on the Tripadvisor website.

Mrs Mary Dell, a teaching assistant from Stockwell, finally escaped her captors by concealing herself on board a jeep bound for the town of Al-Bab from where she then made a 30 mile trek on foot across the Turkish border.

Speaking from the Turkish capital, Istanbul, where she’s waiting for a flight back to Britain, Mrs Dell told reporters:

“I was going through the holiday websites looking for a nice relaxing spot to spend a fortnight during the half-term holiday period and spotted a review for a lovely looking hotel in what this review described as “a quiet, idyllic spot, ideal for singles, honeymooners and couples wanting a relaxing break away from it all” The reviewer had given it 5 stars in every criteria so I made all the arrangements and flew out the day after school broke up.

“However, no sooner had I left the airport than I was grabbed by two men, one of whom put a hood over my head and stuck a pistol under my ribs. I was then bundled me into the back of a car and driven away. The next thing I knew, I was in a jihadist training camp where I spent two months learning how to handle small arms and rocket-propelled grenade launchers. It was the last thing I expected I don’t mind telling you.

“Eventually, after my training was complete, I was sent to the outskirts of Aleppo, where I was caught up in bitter fighting with Kurdish troops who were trying to drive us back from the city centre. Fortunately for me, I was wounded in the shoulder and taken back to our base from where I made my escape a week or so later. I’ll never trust these online holiday reviews again as long as I live!”

When asked if she’d been coerced into becoming a jihadi bride or subjected to sexual assaults of any description, Mrs Dell became agitated and swore at reporters, saying “Not even so much as a polite bloody handshake! It’s Magaluf and the odd Spanish waiter for me next year and no mistake!”

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Ironic Tweets Slammed After Anti-Fracking Woman Falls Down Manhole

manhole (1)

A manhole similar to the one that this daft bint fell down pictured last night.

The family of a prominent female conservationist who sustained serious injuries after falling down an open manhole this week, have hit out at what they describe as “a tirade of jeering and abuse” from social media trolls, who they claim, have targeted the woman and bombarded her with a number of comments that were extremely heavy with irony.

According to her husband Terry, Mrs Tracy Carter, 49 from Sheffield, Yorkshire, and a staunch opponent of the controversial fracking method of extracting shale gas which will benefit the entire country and bring much needed employment to deprived areas, has been made the subject of a number of abusive tweets on the Twitter social media site over the last few days.

Mr Carter, 54, and himself an avid anti-fracking activist, told us:

“Almost within hours of Tracy falling down the manhole she was subjected to a number of ironic comments on Twitter, and supposedly funny wisecracks on her Facebook page. They consisted of remarks like “If you weren’t so busy making sure our gas bills remained high you’d have spotted that open manhole and stepped around it, you interfering bitch”

One anonymous tweet accused Mrs Carter of being “a paranoid, alfalfa shoot-guzzling nutjob with too much time on her hands”, while her Facebook page was also targeted by pro-fracking types and was eventually taken down by her husband.

A spokesperson for Sheffield General Hospital, where Mrs Carter is being treated told us last night that she was “still incapable of taking on board irrefutable scientific evidence but stable”

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Vlad Wit: Putin To Tour Northern Comedy Clubs.

putin ukraine

“This next one will kill ya folks…but only if you don’t laugh”

In what is being seen as a surprise move, Russian President, Vladimir Putin, has announced that he plans to hit the comedy club circuit in the north of England in the run-up to Christmas. Political commentators see this as a bid to ease the strained relations between his country and The West, caused in the main, by Russia’s recent sabre-rattling, the politically contentious invasion of The Crimea and the presence of Russian forces in Ukraine.

The ex-KGB strongman is well-known for  his dry wit and ability to see the humour in somewhat fraught circumstances. Former colleagues have recounted, that during his tenure as head of the Russian Secret Police, he was a constant source of fun, and would have everybody in Moscow’s notorious Lubyanka jail falling about with his humorous anecdotes while they waited to interrogate political prisoners.

Speaking on Russian state television last night, Putin assumed his famous, stoney-faced, deadpan expression as he outlined plans to tour Bradford, Sheffield, Halifax and Rotherham, culminating in a Christmas Eve appearance on Wigan Pier. He ended the broadcast with the announcement that more Russian tanks and ground troops would be sent to the Ukrainian border before signing off with a one-liner:

“Why did the chicken cross the road comrades?…To escape a KGB man with a poisoned umbrella of course!”

This announcement marks the first tour of British comedy clubs by a foreign despot since Pol Pot’s memorable “Genocide Japes” tour of London and The Home Counties in 1976.

The Daily Opressor.

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Concern Grows In Iraq As Entire ISIS Family Believed To Be Heading For Walthamstowe

jihadi john

“It’s all a bit of a worry really isn’t it?”

There was growing disquiet in the Islamic State controlled Iraqi stronghold of  Mosul last night as an entire family of crazed jihadists went missing from their terrorist enclave. The fear amongst their fellow extremists is that they may have flown to London Gatwick airport en route to the East London district of Walthamstow with a view to applying for a council property and getting jobs with local firms.

The family of 12, which includes 4 children under 16, are believed to have other family members in the area and the fears are that some of them have led blameless lives and are not believed to be under surveillance by MI6 or Special Branch.

A close friend of the family who is fighting on the Syrian border, and who asked not to be identified, told us:

“We’re worried sick to be honest. They were a lovely family, totally committed to jihad and the overthrow of the Western, imperialist hyenas. One of the younger lads used to regularly go for extra indoctrination after school and told me that his dream was to become a suicide bomber one day and sacrifice his life in the holy name of Allah. It’s too tragic for words. I can only think they’ve been radicalised on the internet or by watching episodes of Eastenders on BBC iPlayer”

A spokesman for the British government said last night:

“While we welcome all overseas visitors broadly speaking, we won’t tolerate foreign nationals coming over here without the correct documentation or authority, so we’ll probably put them in an internment camp for a couple of years and then send them back at some vague, unspecified time in the future. If we haven’t lost their records by then of course”.

The Daily Insurgent

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Space Probe Wakes Up Dying For A Piss And With A Mild Erection

philae

Somebody stick the kettle on FFS!”

Scientists from the European Space Agency, ESA, have reported that the Philae comet lander, which has been in hibernation since last November when it’s solar batteries died after landing on Comet 67P, has woken up and made contact with mission control. Early reports indicate that the lander was fully operational but urgently needed to go to the bathroom and was in a mild state of sexual arousal.

Professor Terry Carter, the Philae Project Manager, told reporters:

“Our data indicates that Philae was a little woozy and had a pretty full bladder, but we’re confident that after it’s been to the bathroom and brushed its teeth, it’ll be as right as rain. At this point we have no idea whether it dreamed of walking naked down a crowded street or of falling from a tall building, but we’re hoping to establish this over the next few days as more data becomes available”

When questioned about reports that the probe was in a semi-tumescent state, he went on:

“Yes Philae was sporting a bit of a lazy lob on, but a cold shower and an early morning run should do the trick in that regard. Failing that, we’ll switch off our monitoring equipment for ten minutes or so which will give it the chance to have a quick hand shandy behind a pile of rocks or something”

This sensational development comes just six months after the notorious, party-loving Russian probe, Vladimir, woke up in a pool of its own propellant at the bottom of a crater on Venus with a traffic cone on it’s head and a mouth like the inside of a Turkish wrestler’s jock strap.

The Space Cadet Herald

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

CBS Drama 22.00: Unsolved Mysteries.

A team of scientist look into the phenomena of spontaneous combustion and also try to put a rough estimate on how monumentally thick a human being has to be to have purchased and read a copy of 50 Shades Of Grey.

Sky2 20.00: Glee.

Documentary looking at the possible reaction around the world in the event that Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell were to announce they were going to fight a duel to the death with the winner being thrown to a pack of ravening tigers.

Warning: These programmes contain appalling spelling and grating syntax with traces of big trousers and immense smarminess.

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

American Woman Still Being Ignored Despite 10,000th Retweet Of Own Work

woman at computer

Mrs Backboard pictured continuing to flog a dead horse last night

A 57-year-old woman from Austin, Texas, has still not had any reaction to a piece of humorous writing she posted on her blog 9 years ago, despite having doggedly retweeted the piece in her Twitter account on numerous occasions ever since.

Mrs Patsy Backboard, a housewife and mother of two, yesterday chalked up her 10,000th retweet but has still to receive a single response of any kind from any of the 57,273 people she is currently following.

Mrs Backboard remains undaunted however and told local reporters last night:

“I’m absolutely convinced that one day my story will be given the attention I think it deserves. It’s about old people behaving badly in a retirement home and it’s easily the best thing I’ve ever written. I know it’s good because a few weeks after I posted it on my blog somebody clicked on the like button. Admittedly, I received a lot of negative, and in some cases, quite abusive feedback, but you always get these troll types on the internet don’t you? A lot of it’s down to jealousy in my opinion”.

Mrs Backboard’s sole follower on Twitter is her daughter, Ellie, 30, who told reporters:

“The entire family realises that mom’s story is absolute shit, but nobody’s got the heart to tell her. That ‘like’ she got was from my 3-year-old daughter, who accidentally pressed the button when she was sitting on my lap one evening. I just hope she gets fed up with the lack of reaction and gives up to be honest”.

A spokesperson for Twitter said last night:

“It’s not unusual to get this type of narcissistic behaviour on social media. These people suffer from a condition called the Dunning-Kruger Syndrome which results in them becoming convinced of their own brilliance, despite everybody around them telling them that they’re absolutely fucking dire and that they wish they’d just piss off out of it”

The Austin Bugle.

Disclaimer: All persons in the above skit are completely fictitious and bear no resemblance to any persons alive or dead…in all probability.

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire