Smudge by Mina
I’m an elderly widow, living alone in a small flat in Silvertown, East London. Last week, my landlord told me that he was going to double my rent because property values in this area are at an all-time high and that he wasn’t getting ‘a fair whack’ out of me, to use his own words.
The trouble is Gary, I’m already struggling to survive on my old age pension and regularly have to wrap myself up in blankets to stay warm. As for food, I have to buy the very cheapest cuts and will often make a small joint of gammon or a bit of brisket last me the whole week.
I’m so worried by all this and can’t sleep at nights for fear of being evicted and having to live on the streets. I don’t think I’d be able to manage at my time of life you see.
So I’d be ever so grateful if you could give me some advice dear. I used to know your mum when I was younger you know. She was a lovely girl and we had so many good times together back in the old days.
Thanks ever so much dear.
As a gangland enforcer and adult baby, I hear many sad stories like yours my lovely and always try to help whenever I can. I went round to see your landlord last night, and after I’d nailed him to the cupboard under the stairs and shoved petrol-soaked rags up both nostrils, he saw the injustice of it all and has kindly agreed to not only allow you to live in your flat rent free, but has also assured me that he will be personally delivering a well-stocked food hamper, full of luxury items, to your door every Friday night without fail. I hope this puts your mind at rest sweetheart, and if you’re ever upset or worried about anything in future, you make sure you let me know ok?
By the way, I remember you when I was a little nipper Violet. You used to look after me sometimes while mum went down the shops. I shouldn’t be at all surprised if you didn’t used to change my nappy from time to time. Of course, now that I’m 54 years old I have to pay a prostitute to do it.
All the very best for the future Treacle