Exam Pupils To Be Allowed To Beat The Answers Out Of The School Swat


“I’d like an A star in biology Tomkins if you’d be so kind”

Following the proposal from one of the English examination boards that students should be permitted to consult Google during exams, the Department Of Education have now revealed that they plan to allow children to batter the answers to difficult questions out of the more studious pupils, providing they don’t cause serious or fatal injuries.

The proposal stipulates that intelligent pupils with scrawny physiques and glasses should be strategically placed alongside bullies and slackers, who will be able to punch them in the shoulders and give them ‘dead legs’, or threaten to stamp on their glasses if they don’t let them copy their work.

Reaction amongst a number of pupils we questioned at Thugstown High School in East London was mixed. 16-year-old, Ted “Biffer” Bates gave the plan a firm thumbs up saying:

“Blindin’ idea mate. I can’t wait to get stuck in. I’ve just given one of the first years a good clumping and flushed his head down the bog by way of revision. It’s gonna be straight A grades for yours truly from now on”

Walter Simpkins, 15, a slightly built bespectacled lad with a pronounced lisp was less enthusiastic however:

“This is terrible news. I’ve only just got out of hospital after refusing to hand over my dinner money to a gang of classmates who live on the council estate!”

This latest initiative from, what many see as a hardline, Tory-led government, is bound to attract criticism from the liberal left, who are already strongly opposing the recent decision to allow sports teachers to boot the less physically able pupils up the arse if they miss an open goal during inter-house football matches.



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