Some Muslimists pictured begging for alms with menaces outside a London benefits office last night
The Following is an indispensable guide to the behavioural traits and general mien of the average worshipper of Allah, compiled by The United Kingdom Independence Party:
1. The word ‘Muslim’ is actually an ancient Aramaic word meaning ‘bastard’
2. As part of their religion, Muslimists have to wash their entire body 15 times a day while facing Islam. This makes them virtually unemployable. It doesn’t stop them from coming over here and taking all our jobs mind you.
3. Muslimists are actually black in colour but all the constant washing has made their skin a kind of muddy brown colour. The Aramaics should really have called them ‘black bastards’
4. Muslimists are inherently lazy and spend most of the day smoking pipes and taking our jobs.
5. The average Muslimist has roughly 30 children by various virgins. These progeny are genetically unsound, and, as a result, are constantly at the doctors, draining our National Health Service coffers and pushing in front of you in the queue to see the doctor.
6. The female Muslimists you see walking around our town centres wearing burkhas are not really women at all. They are male Muslimists concealing explosive devices under their dresses. They also use this ploy to masturbate furtively when claiming benefits at the dole office.
7. When a Muslimist sneaks into the country, clinging to the axle of a heavy goods vehicle, they are immediately given 5 million pounds spending money and a luxury apartment in Mayfair.
8. Muslimists only eat vegetables and baked beans as part of their religion. However, my mate down the pub saw one tucking into sausage, egg, beans and chips with a fried slice in a cafe once. How can you trust people like that?
9. If a Muslimist sees you out with your wife he will immediately abduct her and keep her as a slave for the rest of her life. So they do have some redeeming features I suppose.
10. If you touch a Muslimist, he will explode immediately. Especially in the doctor’s surgery or the local benefits office.
Next week: The Israeli bomber pilot’s guide to spotting Palestinian school buildings.
Satirist’s note: Please don’t forget to make a comment on the above. Your half-assed, worthless input is as precious to me as the lives of my beloved children.