Monthly Archives: April 2015

Judith Chalmers Discovered Working As A Windbreak In Portugal

judith chalmers windbreak

Smudge by Mina.

Ex-TV travel show stalwart, Judith Chalmers, has now been employed by a Portuguese local authority and is working as a windbreak for holidaymakers on the Algarvian coast, claims a report in Portugal’s Noticias De Manha newspaper.

The 108-year-old former presenter of Wish You Were Here, spends her days standing on the promenade at the Pedras Del Rei resort, where she can be hired by sun worshippers for 2 Euros an hour, or 10, for the entire day.

As part of her duties, Chalmers lays down alongside parties of sunbathers, positioning her enormous body in such a way that the strong westerly winds that prevail on the southern coast are deflected from people sheltering behind her, keeping themselves and their picnics, free from sand particles and spume from the ocean.

Chalmers, whose perma-tanned skin has the density and texture of rhino hide, is also used by smokers who strike matches against her weatherbeaten arse to light their cigars or pipes.

Ms Chalmers declined to answer questions put to her by reporters yesterday, but did offer to shield a number of them from a sudden summer deluge behind one of her thighs for 8 Euros.

This latest revelation comes just 2 weeks after the burly, London FM radio hostess, Vanessa Feltz, was dragged out into the ocean on a pontoon at Brighton, Sussex, where she is being used as a temporary replacement for the fire-damaged South Pier.

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice.

television

ITV2 21.00: Hot Fuzz

Harrowing documentary charting the grim after-effects when the air-conditioning plant malfunctions at a hotel in a nudist colony in Morroco.

Warning: This programmes contains scenes of naked people with ice packs pressed to their genitalia and the odd glimpse of matted pubic hair.

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Soz Satire’s Troll Open Day: Make A Risible, Doomed Attempt To Intimidate Me Now To Avoid Later Disappointment.

troll

“Would anybody like a nice cup of tea before we start?”

Now then my wuffly ickle WordPress Family frendzzzzz. It has come to my attention that one of our fellow members of the ‘bloggerati’ finds it somewhat irksome that I keep the comments option on here closed. Apparently, this is due to the fact that they’d like to rip me a new one and generally act the giddy, two bob arseole all over the fucking gaff.

Therefore, in an almost immeasurable act of largesse I shall be lifting the aforementioned curb on free speech, and the right to confront me in a grim battle of wits, for one day only.

I would therefore urge this sparkling, anonymous hero, and anyone else who fancies having a crack at reducing me to a quivering, cowed, sackload of jellified shit, to take full advantage of this never-to-be-repeated offer before midnight tonight, after which, I shall once more slip quietly back into my previous Utopian state of posting incognito.

So don’t delay! Comment today, and I shall look forward to engaging with you in a thoroughly gripping, no-holds-barred battle of keyboard warriorship par excellence, where hurtful, barbed insults and careful IP address noting will very much be the order of the day.

Before you roll your cyber sleeves up and pile in however, please be advised that I was once an administrator on the biggest London-based Facebook group of all fucking times and routinely (and eventually rather wearily) cunted off and intimidated some of the nastiest, and most depraved trolls the interweb had to offer at that time.

So good luck with this one people. Don’t be a stranger now ok?

Lots of love and ((((HUGZZZZ))))

Cliveypopz x

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A Touch Of Satire

Strike a light my wuffly ickle WordPress family frendzzzz! What a blinding piece of political satire! It’s for all the world as if the delightful Touch had given me permission to post on her blog in a crafty ploy aimed at taking the piss something cruel! Well played my lovely! 😀

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

I was convinced I’d seen a ghost last night when I spotted my dead husband floating about two feet from the ground in our hallway. How I laughed and saw the funny side when one of the kids reminded me that he’d hanged himself from the bannisters just hours earlier and we hadn’t yet got round to cutting him down.

Belinda Clout

Mablethorpe

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Danny Sparko: World Blogging Council Heavyweight Champion

tough guy

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 20 year old female who enjoys posting on the WordPress blogging website. My interests are pottery, embroidery and all sorts of arts and crafts. At first, everything was fine and I enjoyed sharing my ideas with like-minded people, who would often be kind enough to ‘like’ and comment on my blog. However over the last few months I’ve been harassed by a man who keeps making inappropriate suggestions. I’ve told him that I’m engaged to my long-term boyfriend and not interested in his advances, but he won’t take no for an answer and continues with his unwanted attentions. Please help if you can Danny as it’s making me ill. I’ve become reclusive and my family and friends keep asking me if everything’s alright.

Jade Shay

London

********************************************

Dear Jade

I traced this sleazy arseole through the IP address you provided and went round his house last night. As soon as he opened the door I’ve straightened him with a right-hander. He went down like a sack of spuds so I’ve given him a few toe-enders around the kidneys to sharpen him up a bit. Then I’ve dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose. At this point his old woman came out, shouting the odds and telling me to leave it out, but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him. To be honest, the geezer was in absolute shit state by now and looked as if he’d had enough, so I stamped on his face a few times with me steel-toe-capped Martens, giving his dial the old 5 millimetre tread. On the way back down his drive, I sliced through one of his car’s brake pipes in case he tried to drive himself to hospital. Anyway Jade, I don’t think you’ll be hearing from this mug anytime soon.

All the very best for the future

Danny.

Disclaimer: Danny Sparko is a fictitious character and, in no way, shape or form, reflects the opinion of the author on how these sparkling heroes should be dealt with, nor indeed, the type of swift and effective home-grown justice that would be meted out if the aforementioned were given half a chance. This disclaimer was brought to you courtesy of The Yeah Right! Board Of Control.

Clivey.

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UKIP’s Handy 10 Point Guide To The Muslimists

muslims

Some Muslimists pictured begging for alms with menaces outside a London benefits office last night

The Following is an indispensable guide to the behavioural traits and general mien of the average worshipper of Allah, compiled by The United Kingdom Independence Party:

 1. The word ‘Muslim’ is actually an ancient Aramaic word meaning ‘bastard’

2. As part of their religion, Muslimists have to wash their entire body 15  times a day while facing Islam. This makes them virtually unemployable. It doesn’t stop them from coming over here and taking all our jobs mind you.

3. Muslimists are actually black in colour but all the constant washing has made their skin a kind of muddy brown colour. The Aramaics should really have called them ‘black bastards’

4. Muslimists are inherently lazy and spend most of the day smoking pipes and taking our jobs.

5. The average Muslimist has roughly 30 children by various virgins. These progeny are genetically unsound, and, as a result, are constantly at the doctors, draining our National Health Service coffers and pushing in front of you in the queue to see the doctor.

6. The female Muslimists you see walking around our town centres wearing burkhas are not really women at all. They are male Muslimists concealing explosive devices under their dresses. They also use this ploy to masturbate furtively when claiming benefits at the dole office.

7. When a Muslimist sneaks into the country, clinging to the axle of a heavy goods vehicle, they are immediately given 5 million pounds spending money and a luxury apartment in Mayfair.

8. Muslimists only eat vegetables and baked beans as part of their religion. However, my mate down the pub saw one tucking into sausage, egg, beans and chips with a fried slice in a cafe once. How can you trust people like that?

9. If a Muslimist sees you out with your wife he will immediately abduct her and keep her as a slave for the rest of her life. So they do have some redeeming features I suppose.

10. If you touch a Muslimist, he will explode immediately. Especially in the doctor’s surgery or the local benefits office.

Next week: The Israeli bomber pilot’s guide to spotting Palestinian school buildings.

Satirist’s note: Please don’t forget to make a comment on the above. Your half-assed, worthless input is as precious to me as the lives of my beloved children.

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