Blogger Loses 98% Of Followers Following Sudden Death

empty room

A proposed gathering of the dead woman’s WordPress followers fails to live up to expectations

 

A 34-year-old woman from Shoreditch in East London, reportedly lost almost all of her regular blog followers just two days after she collapsed and died in the street from a heart attack.

Jane Deptford, a care worker in an old folk’s home and a married mother of two, was a regular and popular blogger on the WordPress site, where she had amassed more than two thousand followers over a three year period. She was well -known for her good humour and her unfailing kindness to her fellow bloggers, who she referred to as her “WordPress Family”  However, according to her daughter, Tamsin, 16, who took on the distressing task of announcing her death to her online friends, almost all of them had unfollowed her mother and removed her from their Facebook friends lists within 36 hours of her final blog post.

We managed to trace a former follower of Mrs Deptford, who told us:

“Yes I had heard a rumour that Jane had died suddenly so I binned her straight away. I mean, what’s the point of following somebody who’s not going to be able to like your posts anymore let alone leave a comment? It’s just bloody pointless”

Another former long-term follower, a woman from Winsconsin in the USA, who had followed Mrs Deptford from her very first post and who had shared more that three thousand likes and comments with her, said:

“Obviously it’s not the best news you want to hear, but to be honest I won’t miss her that much. She could be a real boring pain in the ass sometimes. Always chatting about mundane, day-to-day stuff, you know, her family and shit like that. What you really want is somebody with a real chequered history of car crash relationships, somebody who’s constantly ripped to the tits on drink or drugs. Something that will really get the schadenfreude juices flowing. I gotta tell you, I started following a woman from England the other day who apparently likes to take it up the ass and who’s not afraid to announce the fact in front of millions of strangers. Now that’s what I call interesting shit right there my friend”

We also spoke to a London man who was one of a  tiny handful of  followers to remain loyal to the dead woman. He told us:

“Dead?…What the fuck! I wondered why the bitch hadn’t replied to my comment on her post the other day! Right, she’s history!”

Disclaimer: The above piece is heavily nuanced, broad satire, and in no way casts aspersions on the integrity of WordPress or suggests self-interest and duplicity among its  many posters. After all, everybody  here is everybody else’s best fucking friend…right? 

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  1. Pingback: I think I’m being followed… | My Grandfather was an Undertaker