Ted Threesome: Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant

Smudge by The Artful Dodger.

Dear Ted

My wife and I are both keen gardeners and are thinking of moving one of our Orange Pippin apple trees to a sunnier spot in our small garden. Could you advise on the best time of year to do this please?

Regards

Toby Carter

Sheffield

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Dear Toby

Have you and your wife ever done it in the garden shed with your neighbours nearby? Did you have to put your hand over her mouth to stifle her moans while you rogered her mercilessly? Did the thrill of discovery enhance your pleasure?

What about bondage and sado-masochism? Has she ever restrained you by lashing you to a cross in the basement? Did she humiliate you by mocking your penis size and by comparing you to past lovers? Did she beat you bloody and leave you tied down there for days with no food and water?

What type and colour of underwear does your wife prefer? Is she wearing any right now?…are you?

Christ! You filthy bastards! If only I could come round there and film you while you cavort like wild animals!!

PS. Late February/early March is always a good time to transplant fruit trees. Try to keep as much of the old soil clinging to the roots as possible, and remember to warm the new soil with plastic sheeting or a cloche.

All the very best to you both and here’s hoping for a bumper crop in the autumn

Ted.

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