In other news: The butchery, rape and slaughter of the innocents continues…
…and now, here’s the weather for the week ahead…
A typical old lady’s stovetop pictured last night. Image supplied by Old Grunter Weekly
A window cleaner from East London last night claimed that the home of an elderly lady he visited on his round had no lingering odour of simmering stew, or indeed, of any other dish which had been left cooking on the stove.
Toby Carter, 35, from Shoreditch revealed: “One of my elderly, lady customers asked me if I could come in and clean the inside of the kitchen window which had become discoloured and a bit smeary. I have to admit I was pretty reluctant as I was almost certain I’d have to put up with the smell of stew of some description which was bound to be cooking slowly on the stove.
“I did my usual trick of gulping down a lungful of fresh air, held my breath and rushed inside to get the job squared away as quickly as possible. To my astonishment, there was no huge saucepan with dried crud around the rim bubbling away on the cooker. I slowly expelled the air from my lungs and took a tentative sniff. When I discovered there was no rancid aroma of half-cooked brisket with chopped root vegetables and cabbage, I almost dropped my squeegee in surprise.
“When I’d finished, the lady asked me if I’d mind doing the small frosted window in the downstairs toilet, but I told her I had to get home early for a parcel delivery as I didn’t want to risk it”
This latest revelation comes just two weeks after a gas fitter from Whitechapel claimed that an elderly man, for whom he was installing a new boiler, didn’t stink of dried piss.
East London Gazette.
Dear Soz Satire
In view of recent developments, how fortunate that Cliff Richard didn’t marry Princess Diana, as so many elderly ladies hoped he would. Can you imagine the cost of having to pay Princes William and Harry compensation after they had revealed that they were paeded-up by their dad?
“Hot towel sir?…Wash and brush-up?”
In what is being seen by many as a surprising move, ex-British prime minister, Tony Blair, has agreed to take on the role of lavatory attendant at the 91st birthday party of Zimbabwean leader, Robert Mugabi, this Saturday evening.
The lavish celebration, which is being held at a swish golf club close to Victoria Falls, has already attracted criticism over the planned slaughter of a number of endangered species to feed the guests, including, five impala, two elephants and a lion. London mayor, Boris Johnson, is just one of many detractors who have slammed the nature of the festivities, calling it: “an event of extreme moral ugliness, reminiscent of the worst excesses of the emperor Commodius”
According to one of Mr Blair’s closest aides, the former prime minister will be in charge of the gent’s toilet in the main banqueting hall and will be expected to issue hand towels to guests and offer to spray them with expensive eau de cologne, as well as cleaning the cubicles and mopping the tiled surround to the urinal.
We managed to get a brief comment from Blair as he left his Islington home last night:
“Yes it’s true that I’ve accepted the role of men’s room attendant at Mr Mugabe’s function this coming weekend and I have to say I’m quite looking forward to it. I know we’ve had our differences in the past and that he’s routinely overseen the ruination and murder of numerous ex- British citizens but you shouldn’t dwell on these things too much in my view. Let bygones be bygones I say. Admittedly, the money’s not as good as I’ve become accustomed to of late but every little helps doesn’t it”
My problem is a rather unusual, and some might even say, perverse one, so I’m asking you as a respected masturbation guru to the stars to help me through what has become a very difficult phase in my life.
The thing is Spunky, I have become besotted with the astronaut, John Tracy out of Thunderbirds and find myself constantly fantasising about being stranded up in space with him so that I can kiss his sweet lips and make him mine.
Just the thought of helping him beam distress calls back to Tracy Island results in my becoming fully tumescent, and often leads to self-abuse and bitter self-recrimination.
Things became particularly stressful a few years back when Thunderbirds enjoyed a resurgence in popularity, with models becoming extremely sought after by kids at Christmas time. I would find myself constantly sneaking into toy shops where I would pleasure myself and blow scalding wads of spadge over the display counter if a model of John or his spacecraft, Thunderbird 5, was among the items inside.
My marriage too has suffered, with my wife constantly complaining when I ask her to dress up as John and to move around the bedroom in a jerky manner, talking urgently into a headset about a stricken airliner that’s trying to land with a faulty undercarriage or things of that nature
Please help me Spunky. I’m at my wits end and just don’t know where to turn.
As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation counsellor to the stars of over 25 years standing, I have dealt with countless problems identical to your own and my answer is always the same on this one my friend.
Firstly you have to understand that John out of Thunderbird 5 is a very attractive man, which is partly why Mr Tracy sent him to live in space, his logic being that if he were to remain on earth, piloting one of the other Thunderbirds, his brothers wouldn’t be able to concentrate on their missions due to his allure, and would be constantly spying on him in the shower or masturbating furiously while watching him getting undressed through his bedroom keyhole.
So with that in mind there is only one course open to you I’m afraid Toby. You have to gradually wean yourself away from Thunderbirds altogether. Try watching Space Patrol which was very popular in the 60s. All the puppets are extremely unattractive, particularly Captain Dart with his unkempt beard and awkward rolling gait.
Failing that give Stingray a try. It’s got that Troy Tempest in it and he’s absolutely minging. Unlike Marina, that mermaid puppet who’s an absolute peach and well worth a cheeky hand shandy when the wife’s gone to visit her mother on a Saturday afternoon. It’s not quite so gay either.
I hope this is helpful to you Toby, and if you have any more problems of a semen-related nature, don’t hesitate to drop me a line.
“Running scared?” Prime Minister, David Cameron, pictured last night. Smudge by “Inchcock”
A notorious sadist with convictions for robbery with violence, making threats to kill and assault with a deadly weapon, has registered a shock lead in the latest opinion poll ahead of the forthcoming May general election.
Clivey Dee, aka Danny Soz, an 18 year old satirical magazine editor from East London, is leader of the Lots Of Lashing (LOL) Party whose political doctrine is based largely on beating people who disagree with their policy of beating people who don’t agree with them.
Speaking from a fully-equipped dungeon beneath the magazine’s office in Whitechapel, East London, Dee told us:
“It’s been a long-held belief of mine that what this country needs is a good, old-fashioned dose of brutality, and these latest poll figures would indicate that I’m not alone in this. In my opinion the sooner we start flogging our detractors to within an inch of their lives the better. My party will set up whipping posts in every town and city throughout Britain so that common criminals, blacks, gays, Eastern Europeans, Americans and other undesirables, can be meted out the summary justice they so richly deserve.
We will also reintroduce the death penalty for the more serious offenders, such as trades unionists, atheists, cross-dressers and Australians. I’m absolutely convinced that only by inflicting acts of extreme violence on certain sections of the community can Britain’s balance of payments be brought under control and peace and tranquility restored to this great nation of ours”
The LOL Party’s closest ideological rival, The United Kingdom Independence Party, issued a defiant statement last night. UKIP leader, Nigel Farage told reporters:
“Soz and his LOL Party cronies are clearly trying to hitch a ride on our coat tails to garner popularity. There can only ever be one party dedicated to persecuting minorities and that’s us. All this talk of flogging the blacks and the incarcerating of political foes is common thuggery to be brutally honest with you, and the first thing I intend to do after winning the election is to have this working class oik and his henchmen beaten bloody with rhino whips and tossed into jail”
The Prime Minister, David Cameron also issued a brief statement from outside 10 Downing Street last night:
“All this talk of beating people is errant nonsense in my view. After all, if people wanted to be subjected to cruel and excessive punishment they’d listen to Justin Bieber records or sit in front of the television watching Homes Under The Hammer”