Monthly Archives: January 2015

Outcry As Satirical Magazine Publishes New Front Page With All Funny Writing On It

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A properly done front cover with no funny writing on it pictured last night

 

A largely ignored satirical magazine has attracted a storm of protest after publishing a new front page with funny writing on it, that appears whenever a reader hovers their cursor over it.

The editor-in-chief of Soz Satire magazine, Clivey Dee, 9, defended the apparent faux pas last night:

“Yes I have to hold my hands up and admit that there is some funny writing on the latest FP, but that’s only because I did the formatting myself instead of waiting for The Artful Dodger, who normally does that sort of thing, to sober up. Personally I think it adds to the gravitas of the mag and I’m seriously considering introducing funny writing on future front pages to be perfectly honest with you”

To see a front page with all funny writing on it, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, copy and paste our funny writing and use it for nefarious purpose, particularly self-abuse! That’s right out that is!

 

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Arse Bandits Raid London Museum

buttocks

Plaster mouldings of Kim Kardashians arse were left untouched by the raiders. Police believe they were too heavy to remove.

 

A gang of audacious thieves last night broke into the London Buttocks Museum in Westminster and escaped with a number of arses, some of which were valued at over £10,000. It is believed that the gang gained entry through the back door before smashing cases containing the arses and escaping with their valuable booty.

Amongst the priceless arses taken were those of Archbishop Makarios of Cyprus, President John F Kennedy, Whitney Huston and Sir Stanley Matthews, the legendary Blackpool and England soccer star.

The museum’s curator, Mr Toby Jade, 74, told reporters: “This is a terrible shock to all of us at the museum and I hope the police will catch whoever’s responsible for this and return the arses to us as soon as possible”

Fortunately for the museum, the priceless “Fragment Of The True Arse” which is believed to be a slither of buttock taken from the slain body of Christ by Mary Magdelene in The Garden Of Gethsemane, is currently out of the country and on display in The Imperial Bottom Gallery in Beijing.

This latest raid comes just 2 weeks after the Sheffield Cock And Balls Museum in Yorkshire, was hit by raiders who escaped with genitalia worth more than two million pounds, including the fabled Holy Nob Of St Bartholomew and the priceless Byzantine Bollocks, which were believed to have been removed from the body of Saladin during The Crusades.

Press Association and Clivey.

More cock and ball stories here:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

 

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WARNING: The Following Post May Contain Traces Of Child Rape.

orphan

 

Quite an arresting title isn’t it my friends? It was absolutely intentional on my part I can assure you. I felt justified in using, what could be deemed as “shock tactics” in order to draw your attention to something I feel very passionate about. I refer to the abuse of children and, in particular, the rape and, in one case, the alleged murder of vulnerable kids by members of the British “establishment” in what is now being called The Westminster Paedophile Ring enquiry.

At the forefront of this long and convoluted struggle to bring the guilty to book, many of whom are extremely powerful political figures, along with well-known faces from the entertainment world, is a tiny London news agency whose diligence, dedication and bloody-minded determination to see the guilty punished, and for the victims or “survivors” of these filthy crimes to see justice done, is finally beginning to bear fruit.

I refer to Exaro News, whose editor-in-chief Mark Watts has led his small team of investigative journalists in a tireless, three year long struggle to root out the truth and to bring a semblance of “closure” to the abused and to see justice meted out to the guilty. I referred to them the other day on social media as “A snarling Fleet Street Rottweiler with it’s fangs sunk deep into the flesh of the  corrupt and the depraved” and I can think of no more fitting phrase to describe their relentless, driven struggle to see justice finally done.

This is no self-centred crusade on my part, motivated by the fact that I’ve been a victim of this filth, because I haven’t thankfully. I just happen to like children, and the thought of them being harmed or exploited to slake the foul appetites of bestial adults sickens me to my stomach. Some unkind critics have cruelly suggested this is due in no small part to my own childlike immaturity, but I don’t believe that for one moment and neither do you…right? Ok, you can pass on that one guys 🙂

I urge you therefore to visit their website and to follow them on Facebook and Twitter, if indeed you have accounts in those places. I know for a fact that Watts and his small team of dedicated hacks will appreciate your support greatly.

Exaro News my friends. Remember their name.

http://www.exaronews.com/

Thank you.

Clivey

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First Female Bishop Vows To ‘Turn The Heating Up A Bit’ In English Churches

women bishops

“Have you turned that poxy heating down again Ted? It’s like a fucking ice well in here!”

 

Following her consecration at York Minster earlier today,The Right Reverend Libby Lane, the Church Of England’s first female bishop, pledged to ensure that churches throughout her diocese are ‘nice and toastie’, by turning up the heating at least 10 degrees during the winter months and by keeping it on full blast morning, noon and night, throughout the year, irrespective of the prevailing weather conditions.

Bishop Lane addressed the Church Of England General Synod just hours after her historic ordination:

“It’s my firm belief that by cranking up the heating to almost unbearable levels many more women will be inclined to attend services, especially when they are on their menstrual cycle. I see absolutely nothing wrong with turning up the heating a bit to ensure a snug and pleasant environment for female worshippers, who would otherwise be lying on the sofa, wrapped in a duvet with all the radiators on”

This proposal is bound to anger clerics who oppose the ordination of women, and in particular the arch-conservative Bishop Of Shoeburyness who was once censured by the general synod for turning down the thermostat a couple of degrees in Westminster Abbey before locking up for the night.

Press Association

For even more irreverent satire and blasphemous outrage, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

We’re working on a new front page you know? *taps side of nose in knowing manner*

 

 

 

 

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Li’l’ Kimmy: Diary Of A Dictator.

Alan Titchmarsh was never like this folks 😦

The League of Mental Men!

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I must apologise for the tardiness of this ever-popular feature. I’m afraid this is due in no small part to it’s author, our very own Lenny “The Human Sunscreen Applicator” Van Ree, being crushed and eaten by a Giant Squid off the coast of Curacao.

On the bright side, it’s what the squid would have wanted.

Enjoy then this latest episode of life seen through the eyes of our somewhat delusional, but unfailingly murderous, diminutive hero.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lil-kimmy-diary-of-a-dictator/c1lwj

Clivey

PS. Lenny appears courtesy of Satire Nation and the large bowel of a Giant Squid.

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Benefits Claimants Should Remain Completely Motionless Say UKIP

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“Ve haf vays of keeping you still!” UKIP leader Nigel Farage in determined mood last night

 

A leaked document from the United Kingdom Independence Party Central Office has uncovered plans to force the unemployed and those claiming sickness benefit, to remain absolutely motionless at all times, unless they are going to visit the lavatory or attending a job interview.

A section in their 2015 election manifesto entitled “Dealing With The Feckless” states:

“Why should these people be permitted to move around freely on taxpayer’s money? Mobility should be a privilege and not a right. Only hard-working, British citizens should be given this freedom in our view. It’s just good, plain, common sense at the end of the day”

This latest revelation comes just days after the right-wing party’s call for benefits claimants to be prevented from owning a car, and after a prospective UKIP local councillor called for asylum-seekers to be nailed to the walls of detention centres to prevent them going into nearby shops for grocery items and upsetting the locals.

Associated Press

For more leftist railing against the dark forces of the British far right, why not visit?:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

No blacks.

 

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Benedict Cumberbatch To Star In Everything

cumberbatch

A ubiquitous twat pictured last night

Well, it had to happen one day I guess. If you’d like to learn more about how the irritating, TV and movie ever-present is to feature in every single moving picture-based production for at least the next 5 years, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!a-cumbersome-role/ccsx

It’s not one of my greatest efforts admittedly, but it was done with real feeling 🙂

And now… here’s the weather for the week ahead with Benedict bastard Cumberbatch! 😦

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Japanese Tourists Forced To Work On London Bridge Railway, Claim Amnesty

Jap skit

British Prime Minister, David Cameron, piles on the agony for the poor, enslaved, bastards

A truly gripping and harrowing tale of how over a thousand, camera-sporting, sushi-guzzling, shortarses were kidnapped, beaten and forced to toil on the new London Bridge station refurbishment project.

If you’d like to read about how the Brits got their own back for the Burma Railway atrocities, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!the-yellow-peril/c16xo

Disclaimer: No Japanese people were forced to crash their plane into allied shipping during the writing of this skit…in all probability.

 

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BREAKING NEWS: Dorking Woman Has “Lost A Bit Of Weight Since Xmas”

Does my bum look big in this reblog? Serious question.

The League of Mental Men!

skeleton

Some physicians warn about the dangers of rapid weight loss

For this simply shocking tale of one woman’s ‘Battle Of The Bulge, and for even more jaw-droppingly unfunny articles, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lard-farce/c1nxk

I can’t guarantee you’ll lose any inches from that expanding waistline but your will to live is quite another matter.

Clivey

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Teenage Girl Catches 3 Generations of Own Family Masturbating

family

A family pictured last night proving that you don’t have to indulge in furtive sexual practices to be happy

 

A 17 year old girl has revealed that she walked into the lounge at her home on January 2nd of this year and found her  entire family, including her elderly grandparents, pleasuring themselves in front of the television.

Mary Dell from Doncaster in Yorkshire told reporters: “It was around 7.00pm  and I’d been out to visit my best friend at her place a few doors away. I let myself in and went into the living room. I noticed straight away that the lights had been turned down quite low and that the room was very hot. I turned the lighting up and immediately spotted my dad hurriedly pulling his trousers up. He looked flustered and quite red in the face. To my horror I saw that my entire family were in various states of undress and were quite clearly masturbating.

“They started jumping up and adjusting their clothing, apart from my grandmother who hadn’t heard me come in and who continued to pleasure herself vigorously. My mother tried to act normally and asked me if I’d had a nice evening, but I could tell she was really embarrassed.

“I then made an excuse and went up to my room but I could hear them all whispering to each other as I went up the stairs. About an hour later my mother called me down for tea. The atmosphere was pretty strained I have to say. Everybody was very subdued and looked flustered, except my grandmother who appeared quite relaxed and happy”

For more tales of familial self-abuse and awkward silences, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Disclaimer: Nobody went blind during the writing of the above piece

 

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