Monthly Archives: December 2014

A Song For Christmas

carol singers
‘Carol Singers’ – Artist Unknown
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The following is a true account of an evening I spent in a small bedsit room in the Alfama district of Lisbon, Portugal in 1974.
 
 December had thrown it’s chill cloak over Lisbon, the nights had turned towards Christmas, bone cold, silent and dripping with pendulous stars.
 
I finished dinner around 8.00, and as I slumped into an armchair, my limbs heavy with food and my head thick with red wine, there was a soft knocking at the door. I opened it and was confronted with 5 or 6 small tousle haired urchins aged around 6 or 7. Their leader was a beautiful moreno boy, his hair tight with curls, black as pitch, framing a face that seemed to move like water in the light of the lantern he held. He bade me ‘boa noite senhor’ then gave a few instructions to his companions.
 
After some preliminary shuffling and nudging, they began to sing with diamond clear voices that seemed to slice through the chill night air, sharp, falsetto and unutterably beautiful. They sang of a child born in a stable, of a star hanging in the night sky, of The Virgin and the hot rancid breath of the beasts that guarded the infant. As I watched and listened, it felt to me as if the tidings they were bringing was new, the joy still fresh.
 
A girl of around 5 took up a solo and sang in a voice so clear and pitched so high that one felt stripped and shriven of all sins. As she sang, the others watched her with solemn eyes, lips pursed, ready to enter the chorus. Their heads seemed to become disembodied and to float in the air like Botticelli spirits, and looking at this ragged little bunch I believed all that they told me, for they were bone thin with eyes that swam with disease and knew what it was to sleep on beds of straw.
 
After giving them what coins I had and some slices of thick bread and jam, which seemed to be greeted with far more enthusiasm, I closed the door and returned to my armchair. I sat motionless for some time, listening to the chatter of passers-by in the street below, staring thoughtfully through the curtain-less window at the quartered moon pinned against the black velvet night sky
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Premenstrual Female Soldiers To Serve As Front Line Troops Say Defence Ministry

female soldiers

Hormonal crack troops confront an enemy combatant who left the cap off the toothpaste

 

I’ll probably be shot for this one folks…literally!

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!period-drama/co8v

Warning: May contain explosive tantrums, irrational shouting and frying pans

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This Made Me Ashamed To Be British!

man-crying-o

A picture from the skit that made me ashamed to be British pictured last night

 

As the editor of a highly- ignored satirical magazine, there’s not much that makes me ashamed to be British. However, when I read this skit earlier, I felt like tearing up my passport and applying for Australian citizenship. I don’t mind admitting that I blubbed shamelessly from start to finish, in a mixture of impotent rage and a deep soul-obliterating shame. My anguish was compounded even further because I had written it not 10 minutes previously.

Can I ask you most humbly to read this from a compassionate and caring angle and not from the standpoint of some despicable foreign fuck.Thank you.

Clivey.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!jammy-bodgers/c1907

PS. Could I also ask you to leave a small comment after you’ve read the piece. Only I’ve been feeling pretty low these last weeks and it’s only been the comments that you good folk have made on my work that have kept me from doing something rash. Only last night I was teetering precariously on the platform at London Bridge station, preparing to throw myself under the 22.50 to East Croydon, when my phone “dinged” and informed me of a particularly irritating and time-consuming, platitude from some annoying sap in Idaho or similar. I immediately felt a joyous surge of new-found joi -de-vivre course through my veins and went straight down the pub. I’m therefore thanking you in anticipation my friends, and I give you my solemn assurance that each comment will be read repeatedly until the dark, smothering blanket of despair leaves me and I go down the pub again.

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Satirical Mag Censured Over Display Of “Appalling Bad Taste”

wank o mate

A masturbatory device trying to look all innocent despite coming under heavy fire last night

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The wildly unsuccessful satirical magazine, Soz Satire, was slammed by church leaders last night following an article featuring a masturbatory device designed for use by the recently bereaved to ‘cheer them up’

The editor of the magazine, Clivey Dee, 11, defended his decision to publish the piece in a brief statement to reporters outside the magazine office in Whitechapel East London. “I’m defending my decision to publish the piece and if you don’t like gags about wanking then I strongly advise you against visiting:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!grief-relief/c6mo

A church leader however strongly countered Dee’s argument “It’s bad enough being bereaved without having cockney arseoles like him ripping the piss out of you”

 

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LOMM Writers Jump Ship To Join Satirical Mag

I can’t understand why this chap keeps denigrating WordPress week in week out. I mean to say, it’s great and we’re all just one, great big, happy, romping, liking and commenting family fer chrissakes! What a complete fucking fucker he must be not to be able to see this! 😦

The League of Mental Men!

pictures_u51_a06117

An out-of-date cover of Soz Satire pictured smirking last night

In a move that will send seismic shockwaves through the blogging world, it is being reported that the entire team of contributors to the popular, humour-based blog, The League Of Mentalmen, have quit to join the successful satirical magazine, Soz Satire, because they “like the music on the stories” and because “it’s got much funnier jokes in it”

LOMM editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 12, told reporters “I knew something wasn’t quite right on Monday morning when Inchy hadn’t submitted his customary 27 pieces for editing. Gaz didn’t make a post at all on Tuesday, which I dismissed at the time as a result of him being in jail again, but the real clincher was when Mike completely blew me out on Wednesday and posted a 10,000 plus word poem in his own blog instead. It even had a nude woman in…

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CIA Forced Detainees To Read WordPress Blogs Claims Shock Report

scared

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Just don’t make me read today’s Freshly Pressed section again!!!”

ANIMALS!!!

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!blogging-brutality/c7vl

WARNING: This skit may contain traces of appalling syntax and unashamed arse-licking.

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Blogger Found Dead After Comment Was ‘Frozen’

This came as a hammer blow to me I don’t mind admitting. To think I may have been the cause of this poor soul’s death is something that will haunt me until opening time 😦

The League of Mental Men!

skeleton

Terrible business this my friends 😦

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!better-read-than-dead/c1jlm

WARNING! This skit may contain traces of decomposing corpses and silly fuckers

Clivey

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