Monthly Archives: November 2014

Youthful Satirical Magazine Editor Reprimands Elderly Writer For Being “Wholly Unpleasant” To Readership

boots

The boots Steeden wore to kick a defenceless child up the arse pictured last night

 

A writer for a humorous online publication has been hauled over the coals by the editor-in-chief for being wholly objectionable to its readership, and has been issued with a written warning as to his future conduct.

Mike Steeden, 128, from Africa, stands accused of losing the magazine thousands of loyal readers due to his constant, derogatory and foul-mouthed outbursts, directed mainly at readers from the WordPress online blogging site.

The editor of the Soz Satire magazine, Clivey Dee, alleges that Steeden has been a “disruptive influence” and a “complete fucker right from the word go”

Dee spoke to us from his office in Whitechapel, East London last night  “Steeden has been a disruptive influence and a complete fucker right from the word go and I’m not prepared to put up with it. I’ve spent months accumulating a loyal readership from WordPress, often working late into the night, being extremely pleasant and complimenting people on their blog posts even though I’ve never actually read any. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve woken up slumped over my keyboard in the early hours after being overcome by fatigue while making an irritating, time-consuming comment, and then Steeden comes along and undoes all my good work by calling people “dozy arseoles, fuckers and smelly old fat bums” Well it’s going to stop and if there’s any repetition of his deeply unpleasant and uncalled for behaviour, he’ll find himself in the dole queue as lively as you like”

Steeden himself was unavailable for comment last night as he’s in police custody for allegedly booting a 5 year old boy repeatedly up the arse, but his wife of 11 years, Shirley, 12, of no fixed abode told us “Yes it’s true. He’s a complete and utter turd and hanging’s far too good for him in my view”

We tried to get a word from one of the other staff writers, Mr Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers, yesterday morning but his landlady said he was “having an early night”

Steeden, a former chairman of The Young Conservatives and a staunch supporter of the far right British National Party, is due to preside over a neo-nazi rally in Cheltenham later this afternoon, where he will be giving a talk on how best to keep the wogs in their places before ritually burning an effigy of former socialist stalwart and Leader Of The Opposition, Michael Foot.

If you’d like to see Steeden being a complete fucker somewhere other than here, why not check out this magazine:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Don’t blame me if you calls you a “bloody bastarding bastard” and tries to recruit you into a far right political party though!!!

Clivey

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Satirical Magazine Writer To Be Executed For “Accidentally” Looking At WordPress Freshly Pressed Section

gaz weight training

The doomed humourist pictured in happier times

An elderly humourist faces death at the hands of the sub-editor of the satirical magazine for whom he works after allegedly looking at the largely ignored Freshly Pressed section on the WordPress online blogging site.
Garfield Hoadley, 87, who has previously been jailed for aggravated burglary, bigamy and cruelty to animals, claims that he clicked on the Freshly Pressed button accidentally while he was trying to wipe a bit of sandwich from his keyboard. “I was trying to wipe a bit of sandwich from my keyboard when I accidentally clicked on the Freshly Pressed button” he said from his home at 22 Shit Street, Fulham, West London. “As soon as I realised what I’d done I pulled the plug out and threw the laptop in the bin. I swear to God I didn’t read anything. I actually thought it was something to do with ironing clothes!”
The section in question is regarded in some quarters as being pretentious and poor in content, with only the pushiest bloggers, with hours to spend on lobbying support from their myriad followers, getting a look in. People who have psychological problems,  who are involved in car crash relationships, or battling suicidal tendencies seem to be given priority.
The man who has vowed to take the life of the writer he sees as a “misguided mug” and a “dozy West London arseole” is Clivey Dee, 19, the editor-in-chief of Soz Satire magazine. He told us last night “I see Hoadley as a misguided mug and a West London arseole and I’m going to take his bastard life, no question. I’ll not have my staff members looking at toot like Freshly Pressed! They’ll be wanting to hand out “likes” and to start making irritating, time consuming comments next!”
The execution is scheduled to take place in Commercial Road, Whitechapel, close to the magazine’s offices, and will involve Mr Dee repeatedly booting Hoadley up the arse until he’s dead.
To read the magazine in question and to enter the “Spot The New Inset Picture On The Front Page” competition, why not visit:
http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire…on the other hand, why not make yourself a nice cup of splosh and settle down in front of the box with a packet of digestives?

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Jihadi John To Appear In Eastenders Xmas Special

jihadi john

“Gawd blimey guv! Is this a dagger I see before me?”

 

As far-fetched as that may sound my ickle WordPress frendzzz, the above headline is entirely factual and based on some authentic hearsay that I picked up in the gent’s toilets in The London Hospital Tavern, Whitechapel, last Saturday evening.

If you find that difficult to believe, and let’s face it, who wouldn’t? Check out the following showbiz news story I spotted in a satirical magazine. I was so shocked I tried to make a comment, but a boxing glove on a spring shot out of my screen and stretched me out cold on the lino for over 2 hours.

Fortunately it was what I would have wanted.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!cockney-jihad/c81w

 

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WordPress Slam Satirical Magazine For Publishing Satirical Article

punch2

“That’s not the way to do it!” A WordPress “satirist” delivers his damning verdict

 

The popular blogging site, WordPress, have hit out at the online satirical magazine, Soz Satire, for publishing an article last night which they deemed to be “far too satirical and a bit short for our taste”

A spokesman for WordPress said last night “In our opinion the article was far too satirical and a bit short for our taste. This is not the sort of thing we wish to be associated with and we distance ourselves from it completely. The piece was barely 100 words long and contained little or no swearing. There was also a complete failure by the writer to document intimate, teeth-jarring details of his absolute, fucking car crash of a sex life. We most certainly will not be asking the magazine staff to accept an intrusive, and utterly tedious award, requiring intimate details of the lives of the writers, any-time soon, let alone nominating them for our Freshly Pressed section that no fucker ever reads, ever”

The author of the piece, which satirised a convicted rapist being given his job back by a football club, Clivey Dee, 23, was contrite when  he spoke last night “Look here, I’m extremely sorry about all this. I shall write a mind-numbingly boring, one thousand word load of old toot with lots of lovely swearing and characters with funny names in it later today to make up for it”

Too see for yourselves what all the furore was about, and to be reduced to biting down hard on your knuckles when you realise there’s no facility to leave an irritating, time-consuming, fuck-witted comment, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

It’s called “An orthodox right winger” and is in the “Satire” section believe it or not.

Disclaimer: No sub-editors were killed during the writing of the above piss-take, but you can’t have everything I suppose

 

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Olly Murs’s Big Moisturised Face To Re-Energise Philae Space Probe

olly

He gotta big face

Do you like those Olly Murs skits I sometimes write in which I ridicule his great big face?… No?… Me neither to be honest, but it helps to pass the time while Beyonce goes down the off licence to get the ales in.

Here’s one I wrote while she was cleaning behind the fridge. The clue’s in the title folks:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!mission-to-murs/cb9c

Don’t forget to like and share with all your ickle Facebook and Twitter frendzzzzz  you hear? After all it’s only fair that they too should be allowed to see what a complete bunch of friendless, inept, twats we truly are on that magazine.

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Jubilation As Satirical Magazine’s Stats Sky Rocket

Soz Offices

Headquarters of wildly successful magazine where the concept of IP addresses remains largely unknown

The writing staff at a largely unheard-of satirical magazine were last night celebrating at their East London offices as news broke that their recorded online “hits” had passed the magical 15000 mark.

The editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee 21, told us. “We’re absolutely over the moon to have reached this milestone and it’s all the more remarkable because almost every visit we received was from this very vicinity. I can only assume it’s because we’re a London-based publication and therefore popular with local people in our area. There were a few hits from South London mind you. From the Lambeth area to be exact. I’ll have to ask The Artful Dodger if we’ve got any fans in that neck of the woods. He lives there you see”

If you’d like to widen our readership and be a part of our sparkling success story why not pay us a visit at: http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Or write to us at:

Soz Towers

22 Shit Street

London E2

PS. No need to leave your IP address as we don’t put any store by any of that silly nonsense.

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Deafening Silence Ensues As Satirical Magazine Advertises For People To Pose In Their Pants

pants

Professional pants models enjoy a steamy romp without risking the chance of an unwanted pregnancy

 

A sullen silence fell across a large part of the civilised world yesterday after a London-based satirical magazine placed an ad in their situations vacant column, calling for people to voluntarily pose in their underwear for a forthcoming photo casebook style section in their December edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee 19, told us from his office close to a number of pubs in East London. “The response to our ad has been truly remarkable. I haven’t experienced an unhelpful, surly lack of cooperation on this scale since we advertised for a cartoonist a few weeks ago”

To witness the complete lack of response, bordering on dumb insolence for yourself, visit the Personal And Classified Ads section of the following publication:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Please remain clothed during your visit. Especially you Inchcock.

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