Monthly Archives: September 2014

Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

BT Sport 22.00:  Boxing Tonight. (Subscription Free)

A documentary team explore the murky world of fish packers working the night shift in a smoked herring plant in Great Yarmouth.

Warning: This programme may contain people with laughable accents and an excessive amount of toes.

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Toilet Paper Warehouse Destroyed as US Air Force Launch Strike Against IZAL

izal

A roll of toilet paper pictured shortly before being destroyed by American fighter bombers.

An East London warehouse containing thousands of rolls of Izal medicated toilet tissue was in ruins this morning after United States fighter bombers launched a series of strikes against the building in what is widely believed to be a communications mix up over acronyms.

A senior Pentagon official told a White House press conference earlier today

“At around o2.00 Greenwich Mean Time the United States Air Force targeted and destroyed a building in London, England, containing what we now know to be a large stock of British toilet tissue manufactured by Jeyes Ltd and marketed under the brand name of IZAL. It is with regret that I have to tell you that this was a military error on our part and that our intended target was a stronghold of the Islamic terror group, ISIL on the Iran/Syria border. At this time we have no casualty figures to hand so we can only hope that fatalities were reasonably low. The President has spoken to the British prime minister, Mr Cameron, to express his regret and deepest sympathy at this unfortunate time”

The Home Office have already issued a press release which stated:

“While we regret this unfortunate mix up, we fully understand the reasons behind it, after all, ISIL and IZAL are pretty similar. On a more optimistic note at least there will be a temporary shortage of that particular brand of toilet tissue, which in our experience tends to spread it rather than wipe it”

Press Association

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The Queen Pushed My Face Into Cream Flan Claims Scottish Flunky

the queen

Her Majesty pictured in reflective mood last night after being told of the resignation of Alex Salmond.

 

A Scottish member of the royal household last night claimed that Her Majesty The Queen had roughly pushed his face into a creamy dessert at a boozy, post Scotland Decides dinner at Windsor Castle.

Hamish McClaren, 57, an under-butler for the royal family for 23 years, told reporters:

“I had just finished overseeing the serving of dessert to Her Majesty and other members of the royal family when The Queen beckoned me over. As I lowered my head to hear what she wanted, she clamped her hand on the back of my head and pushed my face into a cream-filled flan case. She then started laughing and pointing at me before shouting “How do you like them onions you rebellious Scotch fuck!”

At this point Prince Harry came over and gently ushered me from the room. He explained that Her Majesty had been drinking heavily all afternoon, celebrating the rejection of Scottish Independence, and that he’d make sure there was a small bonus in my monthly pay cheque to make up for it”

This latest incident comes just a few days after a Captain in The Scots Guards had complained that The Duke Of Edinburgh gave him a dead-leg while he was doing sentry duty on Horseguards Parade.

Reuters

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Clivey & Gaz In: Pumping Irons

My body is a temple. Please leave a generous donation in me collection plate.

The League of Mental Men!

clivey weight training   gaz weight training

Gettin’ strong nowwwwww

Written by Clivey Dee

Harsh & hilarious smudges by The Artful Dodger

Scene One: The public bar of The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel East London. The lads are seated at a corner table. Clivey seems troubled and appears to be in pensive mood.

You alright Clivey mate? You seem troubled and appear to be in pensive mood son.

No I’m not alright as it goes Gaz. I’m troubled and in pensive mood for a very good reason squire.

I knew it mate! I knew you were troubled and in pensive mood! What is it bruv? What’s making you so troubled and pensive me old china plate?

It’s us mate. Have you seen the state of us lately? We’re slap bang out of shape moosh. Our bodies are a complete shambles. If it wasn’t for our knives and shooters we wouldn’t be able to…

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

Really TV. 22.00: The Perfect Penis

Coverage of last nights glittering awards ceremony in Las Vegas where Simon Cowell narrowly pipped Justin Bieber for the coveted Complete Dick Award.

These are all gen-yoo-wine TV shows lifted from the current TV guide btw. Just in case you thought I was making em up for cheap laffs.

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“I’ll Use My Big Face To Eclipse The Sun If Scots Vote yes” Olly Murs

olly

“I gotta big face!”

English pop star and fierce pro- United Kingdom supporter, Olly Murs, has vowed to deprive the Scots of the sun’s life-giving rays by standing on top of Hadrian’s Wall, where he will use his huge face to bring about a total eclipse that will plunge the entire country into eternal winter.

Speaking at a “Better Together” rally in Aberdeen last night, the Dance With Me Tonight singer, told cheering pro-Great Britain supporters. “I’m a Londoner first and foremost but I quite like Britain too, so if the Scottish people vote to break up the United Kingdom on Thursday I wont hesitate to blot out the sun with my massive dial, causing eternal night to descend on the country. Yes I realise this will cause all who choose to live in my shadow to perish, but it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay to preserve our beloved union”

“Scottish Nationalist Party leader, Alex Salmond, seemed undaunted by the threat when he spoke to reporters last night. “Let Olly do his worst. I doubt very much if anyone will notice anyway. The last time the sun came out here was in June 1993 when a rogue area of high pressure claimed over 3000 Scottish lives through skin cancer”

This latest threat from a celebrity comes just days after broadcaster and journalist, Vannessa Feltz, told listeners on her BBC London phone-in show that if the Scots vote to quit Great Britain she was going to sit on Arbroath and flatten the entire population with her gigantic arse.

Press Association

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Ask George: The Canine Angling Expert & Relationship Counsellor You Can Trust

george nuts

“Tight Lines!”

Dear George

I’m a middle-aged woman with rapidly fading looks and a burgeoning waistline who foolishly thought she had found true love and a lifelong soul mate, until something happened last week that bought my entire world crashing down around my ears.

I had been out for the day, doing a spot of coarse fishing on the River Swale in Yorkshire. It had been a slow day in that regard with just a few small roach and an 8oz Perch to show for my efforts. It was a bit of a chilly one so I packed my tackle away early and came home.

When I got back I called out for my partner but there was no reply. Thinking he was upstairs taking a nap I went up to the bedroom. What I saw there will remain with me until the day I die.

My boyfriend, and the man I had come to love and trust over the preceding months, was in bed with our Airedale Terrier, Bertie. They were kissing passionately and were clearly having sex.

Unseen by either of them I fled from the room in tears and rushed to the bathroom, where I vomited over and over before laying down on the floor, shaking and crying my eyes out.

I confronted them both later that evening when my lover admitted they’d been romping behind my back for months and that they wanted to be together. I threw them both out that same night and have been absolutely distraught ever since.

Please help me if you can George as I’m feeling so low and so alone right now. I’ve started drinking heavily and have even thought of taking my own life on a couple of occasions. I just don’t know which way to turn to be honest with you.

Yours Faithfully

Sally Ripper-Territory

Huddersfield

*************************************************************************

Dear Sally

Yours is a fairly common problem, particularly at this time of year when the fish start to go off the feed due to the cooler weather.

I suggest you give the rivers a miss for the time being and opt for a stillwater venue, where there are still plenty of big Bream, Carp, and of course, Pike to be found that will readily succumb to a well-presented bait at this time of the year.

All the very best, and of course, “Tight Lines!”

George.

For all your angling or relationship-based problems why not call one of George’s helplines:

0800 29875 – Finding A Piking Hotspot/Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction

0800 57892 – Chub Fishing Using Natural Baits/Vaginal Dryness Issues

9800 67584 – Which Groundbait?/Too Tiny For Love

0800 13983 – Livebaiting For Big Pike/Embarrassing Itching

0800 58976 – Stillwater Ledgering For Bream/It’s Over In Seconds

0800 60985 – Carping For Beginners/Trapped Inside A Woman’s Body

0800 58214 – River Fishing In Winter/Bondage & Sado Masochism Tips

0800 79873 – Specimen Perch Hunting/I Think I Might Be Gay

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