Toilet Paper Warehouse Destroyed as US Air Force Launch Strike Against IZAL

izal

A roll of toilet paper pictured shortly before being destroyed by American fighter bombers.

An East London warehouse containing thousands of rolls of Izal medicated toilet tissue was in ruins this morning after United States fighter bombers launched a series of strikes against the building in what is widely believed to be a communications mix up over acronyms.

A senior Pentagon official told a White House press conference earlier today

“At around o2.00 Greenwich Mean Time the United States Air Force targeted and destroyed a building in London, England, containing what we now know to be a large stock of British toilet tissue manufactured by Jeyes Ltd and marketed under the brand name of IZAL. It is with regret that I have to tell you that this was a military error on our part and that our intended target was a stronghold of the Islamic terror group, ISIL on the Iran/Syria border. At this time we have no casualty figures to hand so we can only hope that fatalities were reasonably low. The President has spoken to the British prime minister, Mr Cameron, to express his regret and deepest sympathy at this unfortunate time”

The Home Office have already issued a press release which stated:

“While we regret this unfortunate mix up, we fully understand the reasons behind it, after all, ISIL and IZAL are pretty similar. On a more optimistic note at least there will be a temporary shortage of that particular brand of toilet tissue, which in our experience tends to spread it rather than wipe it”

Press Association

7 Comments

Filed under Satire

7 responses to “Toilet Paper Warehouse Destroyed as US Air Force Launch Strike Against IZAL

  1. The cheek of it – a shortage of Churchill’s most favoured brand. I know this as I’ve seen his WW2 bog built into the White Cliffs beneath Dover Castle. The swines!

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    • sozsatire

      Diabolical stuff! I remember it being de riguer in the school bogs. My nan used to have it in a metal dispenser bolted to the bog wall. To be honest the bloody dispenser would have been kinder to the old kyhber if I’d used that! hehe

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      • In our outside bog – end of the garden (such as it was) we only had The Daily Mirror and a candle plus a sodden box of Swan Vesters.

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      • sozsatire

        We couldn’t afford a garden when I was a kid. My mum used to throw me into the Thames at St Katherine’s Dock with a weighted tyre around my neck so that I could enjoy the bits of seaweed on the bottom brought in on the flood tide from Gravesend. I were bloody grateful for it too I might add!!!!

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      • We called it a garden because it was out the back – in reality it was where the local council store unexploded Nazi bombs – my job as a 5 year old was to write down the serial numbers of each and every one using only a blow torch for illumination when working nights – in order to get to the bog I had to mount any number of said bombs.

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  2. sozsatire

    Oh yes.

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  3. We were far too poor for bog roll…mother had to chase us around with a specially designed poop scoop, very similar to a shovel…embarrassing, but great entertainment for the neighbours.

    Liked by 1 person

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