Danny Sparko: Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

tough guy

“No legal constraints too complex. No acts of violence too extreme”


Dear Danny

I’m a 21 year old female graduate who has just secured my dream job working in a biscuit factory in Dublin in The Republic Of Ireland. The only problem I have is trying to find accommodation close to my place of work. Everywhere is either too expensive or has gone by the time I get there.

The only available place I’ve been able to find these past weeks is a flat share with a 40 year old man who wants me to sleep with him as part of the rent arrangement. The thing is he’s very unattractive and doesn’t appear to wash very often. When I hesitated about taking his offer he became quite abusive and called me a lesbian.

Please help me if you can Danny as I so want to work in a biscuit factory just like my mother did before me. I just don’t know where to turn any more.

Jade Peak-Frean



Dear Jade

As soon as I got your letter I dived round to see this sleazy arseole and booted the door in. I found him hiding under the bed in his underpants so I dragged him out by one leg and gave the boy a few tasty toe-enders in the Niagras. He’s started flapping his gums something cruel at this point, calling for his mum and crying like a girly, so I’ve stuck some gaffer tape over his north and south and started to go to work.

First up, I’ve given the mug a few tidy shots to the kidneys and solar plexus to sicken him. I’ve then gone back “upstairs” and broke his jaw and cheekbone with a peach of a right-hander. He’s hit the deck like a sack of spuds and appeared to be passing out on me at this juncture, so I’ve pulled out a life-preserver and given the sap a few tasty clumps on the back of his knees to liven him up a bit.

I’ve then pulled a blade, tugged his pants down and sliced his Hampton Wick off. This didn’t take me long to be honest love. The biggest problem I had was finding it!

At this point he’s started screaming and hollering heroic style so I’ve given him a few more digs to the swede and body and thrown the cunt out the window.

I don’t think he’ll be bothering you again now sweetheart. The flat’s empty now by the way so move in any time you fancy it. I don’t want no money off yer girl but a nice box of your mum’s all-butter scones would go down a treat with me and the chaps at the office. Know what I’m saying Treacle?

All the very best for the future darlin’ and be lucky eh girl?

Respectfully Yours


East London



Filed under Humor, Humour

4 responses to “Danny Sparko: Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

  1. sozsatire

    I love this man like a brother!


  2. I may have an estate agent for Danny to visit in the near future.

    Liked by 1 person


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