Monthly Archives: September 2014

Dear Soz


Dear Soz Satire

Hong Kong rioters. Counteract the effects of being tear gassed by the security forces by inhaling the contents of an aerosol can of laughing gas before taking to the streets.

Eileen Bastard

Hampton Court

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Dear Soz


Dear Soz Satire

In her smash hit single, Get Into The Groove”, pop icon, Madonna, clearly says “Live out your fantasies here with me”

Imagine my annoyance then when I prodded her arse with a stick of rhubarb in London’s Oxford Street last week dressed in a deep sea diver’s outfit, and was then badly beaten up by her bodyguard before being turned over to the police.

Where’s the fairness in that then?

Toby Juggs-Carter



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Dear Soz


Dear Soz Satire

In their smash hit single, Hold On For One More Day, the female vocalists of Wilson Philips say “Never let anyone walk all over you”

Well I’m a Japanese geisha and a large part of my income comes from being paid to walk barefoot on the naked bodies of Tokyo businessmen.

Are these bitches trying to ruin me or what?

Doris Kendo-Nagasaki



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Jihadists Need To “Dress For Success” Says UN Envoy Victoria Beckham

Spice up your dodgy old lives with this piece of diabolical toot that I used to spam up the FP on the populist blog, League Of Mental Men, just now. Why I wouldn’t mind betting that a whole shedload of “WordPress Family” irritants have commented on it already! Tsk 🙂

The League of Mental Men!


Victoria Beckham pictured last week showing the General Synod Of Great Britain how to look classy but sexy during a fractious, religious schism 

Newly appointed United Nations envoy and fashionista, Victoria Beckham, has hit out at what she calls the “appalling and outdated” dress sense of Islamist terrorists, insisting that if they were to “smarten themselves up a bit” and start “dressing for success” the rest of the world wouldn’t see them in such a bad light.

In her maiden speech to the UN in Geneva last night, Ms Beckham, 73, was particularly scathing about the Islamic State fighters, currently cutting a murderous swathe through Syria and Iraq, whose full length black robes and matching face masks were described as “samey” and “lacking in oomph” by the star

“Perhaps if these jihadist people were to pay a little more attention to their wardrobe the British and Americans wouldn’t be quite…

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Dear Soz


Dear Soz Satire

To avoid awkward, religion-based wrangles such as the furore we had in a London school yesterday over the girl banned from classes for wearing the niqab, why not equip teachers with a pair of those X-Ray Specs you used to see advertised on the back of comics?

In this way the girl’s face would be visible to the teacher at all times, making any claims of problematic teacher/pupil interaction spurious.

The girls in question could also be supplied with lead lined bras and knickers to prevent male teachers having a butchers at their tits and growlers.

Neddy Womb-Disorder


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Sky TV Wins Bid To Screen United States v ISIL Xmas Truce Soccer Match Live


Exclusive picture of the revolutionary new ball that the ISIL Soccer Federation wish to introduce for the one-off match.


The fierce global bidding war to screen the proposed Christmas ceasefire football game between American forces and an Islamic State eleven has been won by Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV network, who have reportedly paid around eighty million dollars for the rights to screen the match which is scheduled to kick off at an undisclosed venue in Iraq on Boxing Day.

Sepp Blatter, the head of world soccer’s governing body, FIFA, under whose auspices the match will be played, told reporters at a press conference in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia last night. “We can confirm that the match will be played on the 26th of December and screened live to a global audience by Sky Television. Standard Association Football rules will naturally be in force and match officials will be absolutely stringent in ensuring their observance and application at all times”

This last comment was seen by many as a reference to the infamous Xmas Armistice game, played in 2003, between a team comprised of United States military police and a Saddam Hussein select eleven during which the American goalkeeper was beheaded by an Iraqi central defender as he went up for a corner and a number of the Iraqi players complained of being bitten by attack dogs when taking throw-ins and of being stripped naked and waterboarded in the changing rooms at half time.

Press Association


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Dave Lee Travis Groped Chimp Using A Hand On A Spring Claims Sir David Attenborough

dave lee travis

Convicted nonce, Travis, pictured in happier times. Probably on board a pirate radio ship or something.


More shame was heaped on disgraced BBC radio DJ, Dave Lee Travis, last night, as TV naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, made the claim that he once caught him fondling a juvenile chimp at one of the famous Chimp’s Tea Parties at London Zoo in the 60s, using an extendible hand on a spring.

Speaking at a black tie dinner at The Royal Geographical Society last night, Attenborough, 137, said.

“It was in 1967 and I was presenting Zoo Time in the absence of Dr Desmond Morris who was on holiday. I was sitting amongst a group of young chimps who were pouring tea over each other, pulling the cloth from the table and fighting over the biscuits. I noticed that one of the younger members of the group had become a little withdrawn and was rather detached from the activities. I thought perhaps it’s nappy needed changing so I went to pick it up.

“It was then that I noticed a large hand on a spring fondling it’s upper buttocks. The operator had pulled it’s nappy down, revealing the red, puffy bit around its arse.

“I immediately grabbed the hand and yanked on it hard. To my surprise Dave Lee Travis stumbled from some bushes with the operating device gripped in both hands. He seemed flustered, and when I challenged him he told me that he was “a tactile, huggy sort of person” and that it was “just a bit of fun”

“I later reported the incident to the then Controller Of The BBC who assured me that the board were well aware of Travis’s weakness for young primates and that it would be taken care of. Nothing ever came of it of course, so I can only assume it was swept under the carpet to protect the corporation’s reputation”

This latest revelation comes just weeks after another former BBC Radio One DJ, and the host of popular game show, Deal Or No Deal, Noel Edmonds, was arrested and charged with historical sexual abuse after the presenter of ITV’s The Wild Show, Michaela Strachen, claimed to have seen the 72 year old pleasuring himself in front of a tank containing baby Stick Insects at Bristol Zoo in 1995.

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