Monthly Archives: July 2014

Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

I just heard ageing rocker, Mick Jagger, say on the radio, and I quote:

“Ah was born in a crossfire hurricane”

He then went on to say that he howled at his ma in the driving rain, that he was raised by a toothless, bearded hag and that he was schooled with a strap right across his back.

His torment didn’t even end there however, as he goes on to state that he was drowned, washed up and left for dead and that just prior to this, his feet were so sore they bled.

What I’d like to know is where were social services when all this was going on? If you ask me it’s just another case of one of Britain’s vulnerable youngsters being let down by an uncaring society.

Milly Hendrix

Altamont Motor Speedway

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Today’s Weather For Facebookers

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would probably rate my complete and utter glee when writing this one at about 10 zillion 😀

The League of Mental Men!

weather man

“There’s an area of heavy irony moving in from East London babes. Wuff oo!” xoxoxoxoxo.

There will be widespread LOLs across the entire region this morning followed by intermittent ((((((HUGS))))) and a few scattered cat pictures.

In the afternoon a deep depression will settle over most parts with a number of boxes containing plagiarised words of wisdom and earnest political dogma, these may bring occasional blurred pictures of hideous looking offspring becoming widespread in some areas.

Towards evening there could be varying amounts of private messages, some of which could be quite heavy, with prolonged attachments containing small amounts of male genitalia bringing long spells of dryness in the female gusset region. Testosterone levels will be particularly low in this area.

Overnight there will be periods of light to heavy vomiting with occasional heavy bursts of incontinence as an area of lager, combined with fizzy white wine, settles over the…

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German World Cup Reveller Invades Poland In Shopping Trolley

nazis

Delighted German fans greet the victorious german team coach outside Nuremberg airport

 

Polish authorities last night revealed that following Germany’s victory in Sunday’s World Cup final, a drunken fan was pushed across the border in a shopping trolley while his mates stood and cheered.

The un-named 23 year old male, later apologised and took on 3 Polish immigrants to work for slave wages, building a new conservatory at his home in Bavaria.

There were also unsubstantiated reports that a Borussia Dortmund fan attempted to annexe The Sudetenland following the match, while a celebrating Stuttgart season ticket holder reportedly walked slowly down a line of kneeling, elderly Jews, shooting each one in the back of the head.

More harsh and uncalled-for xenophobia in just a few moments.

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Saudi Woman Given 100 Lashes For Opening Erratic Driving School

saudi woman driver

“Bye then dear. In next lesson we teach you how to strip syncromesh from gearbox when pulling out of driveway”

 

There was widespread condemnation last night as news emerged that a Saudi Arabian woman had been subjected to a public flogging after she opened a small business aimed at teaching women how to be a dangerous menace when behind the wheel.

The woman, aged 34, was tied to a post in the middle of Rijadh and given 100 lashes before being taken to a local prison where she will serve 10 years hard labour and have 12 penalty points added to her driving licence.

It is believed that she planned to teach women a number of motoring  skills, including how to stall the engine while attempting to pull away from the lights with the handbrake on, driving the wrong way down one-way streets, appallingly ill-judged parallel parking, scraping paintwork and snapping off wing mirrors when reversing into the garage, and also tips on applying full make up while hogging the overtaking lane on  the motorway.

Rudimentary mechanical skills were also on offer which included how to run out of oil and destroy the engine, despite being repeatedly told by a man to keep regular checks on the dipstick, leaving the lights on overnight to completely drain the battery, in-car sweet wrapper dropping, and how to undo the top three buttons on a blouse and stand alongside a car looking forelorn and pathetic, holding a car jack, in the event of a puncture.

Basic road etiquette was also included in the 3 day course, including, how to pull over and start crying after getting hopelessly lost a quarter of a mile from home, stopping alongside friends to chat on busy A roads and screaming hysterical, foul-mouthed abuse at other road users during the menstrual cycle.

This latest controversial incident comes just 2 weeks after a woman from Qatar was stoned to death in the town square for telling her husband to slow down a bit on the motorway in direct contravention of the state law on back seat driving.

Reuters

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Dutch Scientists Record World’s Longest Ever Sullen Silence As Germans Lift Trophy

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A Dutch scientist pictured putting a brave face on it last night

 

Scientists from The Netherlands last night reported a resigned, disappointed silence across the entire country lasting well over 5 hours, a new world record, following Germany’s triumph in the World Cup final in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.

The silence, which they claim began immediately after the final whistle, tops the previous record of four hours and fifty seven minutes previously held by Scotland after England beat West Germany to lift the trophy in June 1966.

A representative from The Netherlands Institute Of Science And Technology said last night “Look why don’t you just piss off? We don’t want to talk about it ok?”

In England however there was a huge upsurge in noise shortly after the match ended, believed to be due to thousands of women starting their car engines to take their cats to the vets to be treated for kick-related injuries.

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Former Archbishop Of Canterbury In Dramatic “Assisted Dying” U-Turn

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“Euthanasia? You know it makes sense!”

Lord Carey, the former Archbishop Of Canterbury, last night made the shock announcement that he has altered his position on voluntary euthanasia for the terminally ill and would support any bill that would “end the suffering of those in great pain who are coming to the end of their lives” He went on to say that assisted death was “the pragmatic and truly Christian way to address this complicated and distressing issue”

Lord Carey then left his Hertfordshire home to visit his wealthy mother-in-law in the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, East London, where she was reported to be “critical but stable”

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Nazi War Criminal In Quandary Over World Cup Final Loyalty

nazi

Grost pictured in happier times in July 1944

 

A notorious Nazi war criminal who escaped justice by fleeing to Argentina after the second world war ended, has expressed mixed feelings with regard to his preference as to the outcome of Sunday’s world cup final between his adopted nation, and Germany, the country of his birth.

Miguel De La Concepcion, formerly Helmut Grost, now aged 97, was charged with crimes against humanity and was convicted in his absence at The Nuremburg Trials in 1945 where he was sentence to be hanged.

Speaking from his comfortable bungalow on the outskirts of Buenos Aires, he told our reporter “I’m absolutely torn to be honest with you. On the one hand I swore allegiance to The Third Reich and spent many happy years organising pogroms against the Jews and persecuting the sub-human Slavic dogs before the war. I was also one of Hitler’s most trusted aides and a co-conspirator  when the party devised  The Final Solution. On the other hand Argentina has become a second home to me through the years and I’m pretty loathe to root for their opponents so to speak. To be honest I’m tempted to give the game a miss and just have a quiet game of cards with Dr Mengele and The Beast Of Belsen instead”

Press Association

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice #3011

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Drama Channel. 21.00:  The Lady Vanishes

Heartbreaking documentary seen through the eyes of a distraught and bewildered newlywed husband as he recounts the night when he and his new bride went for a moonlit stroll through London’s East End shortly after scrap metal thieves had removed a number of cast iron manhole covers.

Warning. This programme may contain traces of copper cable and lead flashing from church roofs.

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice #2

television

Channel 5. 20.00. Britain’s Black Market.

Hard-hitting documentary that graphically describes a South London woman’s trip to Brixton to buy some curried goat and a bunch of plantains.

Warning. This programme may contain traces of rice and peas.

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British Troops Mass Outside Maracana In Bid To Seize World Cup

I’ll reblog this one here so that people I’ve actually heard of and whose blogs I actually read on occasion can also revel in it’s sheer, poorly-written, banality 🙂

The League of Mental Men!

jones

“Don’t panic! Don’t panic Captain Mainwaring sir. We’ll bring it back to blighty for you sir”

A build up of British troops and heavy armour was last night reported to be taking place outside the Maracana football stadium in Rio De Janeiro in what is believed to be an audacious bid to seize the World Cup from under the noses of the Germans and the Argentinians, who are due to contest Sunday’s final tie, by military force.

The head of The British Armed Forces, General Rupert Thompson, said last night. “It should be an absolute doddle seizing the World Cup from these foreign johnnies and taking it back to Blighty. After all, we’ve already given the Krauts a damn good thrashing in two world wars, and as for the Argies, it only took us a couple of hours to kick the blighters out of The Falklands. The only slight problem…

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