Stop this fucking butchery! Damn you all to hell!
Israeli jet fighters have attacked and destroyed a maternity hospital in Gaza in what is believed to be a retaliatory strike after a woman in Tel Aviv reported dust particles on her sheets, possibly caused by debris from a Hamas rocket, which exploded 40 miles away in a nearby, uninhabited desert region The incident took place shortly after she’d hung them out to dry yesterday afternoon.
The sustained attack by F-16 Fighting Falcons has reportedly completely destroyed the hospital resulting in the deaths of at least 50 pregnant women and 23 newborn infants, according to the latest United Nations estimates.
A spokesman for The Israeli Defence Force told a press conference “While we regret the loss of life we cannot just stand idly by while our womenfolk have their washing ruined by terrorist factions. This poor women had only just hung those sheets out to dry. A few minutes later and it could have been her husband’s pants and socks that bore the brunt also”
This latest escalation in the conflict will no doubt bring further claims of excessive IDF force from the international community following last weeks targeting of a kindergarten playground resulting in the deaths of 43 toddlers and 5 nursery workers, after a woman in the border town of Afula claimed that a Hamas Scud Missile had caused interference on her television causing her to miss the end of Desperate Housewives.
Hollywood heartthrob, Orlando Bloom, was this afternoon admitted to hospital on the holiday isle of Ibiza following what doctors are blaming on repeated trauma to his back as delighted holidaymakers repeatedly slapped him on the back and shoulders after learning that the Brit actor had punched Canadian pop icon, Justin Bieber, in the face after the pair squared up in a night club following an alleged insulting remark made by Bieber about Bloom’s ex, actress Miranda Kerr. His right hand is also reported to be quite badly damaged due to being repeatedly clasped warmly and shaken vigorously by hundreds of well-wishers.
In a number of related incidents worldwide, hospitals have reported a huge influx of admissions with people complaining of acute jaw discomfort caused by excessive beaming.
Channel 5 21.oo – Thieves And Thugs Caught On Camera. Fly-0n-the-wall documentary charting a typical day at Conservative Party HQ.
BBC 4 22.00 – Wild China. Tragic account of a furniture removal man who was savagely attacked and maimed by a Ming Vase.
More 4 21.00 – World’s Worst Natural Disasters – A midwife’s harrowing tale of how she assisted in the birth of Simon Cowell.
Dear Soz Satire.
I own my own home but have recently fallen on hard times. A couple of weeks ago I broke into the local prison to steal a television set from one of the cells. Just as I was making my escape I was spotted by one of the prisoners who tried to prevent me getting away. I immediately drew a gun and shot him a number of times before making good my escape. To my utter disgust I was arrested a few days later and charged with attempted murder while the convicted felon concerned got off scot free. Once again it’s a case of one law for the wrongdoer and another for poor old Joe Public
The Isle Of Wight
ITV4. 22.45: The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford. – Western starring Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck
Film 4. 23.25: The Assassination Of Pop Music By The Moon-Faced Fuck Simon Cowell. – A wry, uncompromising look at the phenomena that is The X Factor featuring interviews with some of the tone deaf arseoles who have found fame and fortune after appearing on the show.
Warning: This programme may contain bum notes, moronic viewers, overweight Scottish ladies with faces like robber’s dogs and ridiculous, high-waisted trousers.
Filed under Satire, Showbiz
Dear Soz Satire
I was extremely heartened to learn that the prime minister is to give Home Secretary, Theresa May, “special powers” to deal with terrorism. Let’s hope she chooses Super Strength, the ability to fly faster than a speeding bullet or even x-ray vision so she can see into parcel bombs etc. Whatever she picks she’s bound to be in better shape than that David Blunkett, who couldn’t even cross the street without his guide dog.
Here’s one in which I displayed rampant xenophobia earlier…
The League of Mental Men!
A member of the Scotland team pictured doing a few stretching exercises prior to a training session last night.
Members of The Scottish Nationalists Party have announced plans to stage a Commonwealth Games style tournament which will represent the true spirit of the people of Scotland and their propensity towards heavy drinking should the nation vote for an Independent Scotland in the forthcoming referendum.
A preliminary itinerary of events has been agreed upon, and according to sources within the party, they will include:
The 100 metres stagger. The blue riband event of the games in which 6 crack winos swill down 5 bottles of Thunderbird each before reeling along the white lines in the middle of a busy high street.
The 3000m Running Away From The Poliss Steeplechase – The most gruelling event of the entire games in which only the most dedicated and drink-ravaged of athletes will…
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