“Let me out of the f*****g box! I’ve just finished me last can of Tennant’s Super!”
In what is being seen as a ground breaking move , table football icons, Subbuteo, last night announced that they will be including a drunken England supporter in their World Cup edition which is being launched later today.
A spokesman for the company told reporters.
“We at Subbuteo think it’s important to reflect all the aspects and nuances of the modern game, so with this in mind we have decided to introduce a model depicting an English fan who has quite clearly had too much to drink.
“To authenticate the staggering gait of a boozed-up supporter we have abandoned our usual rounded base design for this model, in favour of an irregular, octagonal affair, so that when the figure is flicked forward in the time-honoured Subbuteo style, it will veer around alarmingly and probably topple over, simulating the behaviour of somebody who is so drunk they don’t know if they want a shit or a haircut.
“During matches, the figure can be laid down outside the stadium with his Union Jack shorts around his ankles, remaining there for the duration of the game, before returning unsteadily to the box about 4 hours after the final whistle.
“The deluxe model will feature a very realistic small plastic turd which can be placed inside the shorts to replicate a person so inebriated that they’ve lost control of their bodily functions. This version will also feature a replica jail cell and 3 uniformed, foreign police officers holding long night sticks, who can be flicked towards the imprisoned fan as he lies unconscious on the cell floor simulating a good beating by anti-English cops.
Whilst being widely welcomed by table soccer enthusiasts, there were some detractors who voiced concerns last night. A spokesman for the “Please Drink Sensibly” organisation told us
“Yer fuckin’ bashtas yersh! Yer fuckin’ fuck! I’ll tek the fucking lot of yersh! You’re me besht mate you are!”