Excited townsfolk awaiting the result of last week’s Grand Raffle And Prize Draw
Following the imposition of Islamic sharia law last month, the sleepy Surrey backwater of Dorking have announced details of their forthcoming summer fete in the parish magazine. Written by hand in Arabic, using the blood of slain infidels, the details are as follows:
9.00am – Grand opening by The Lady Mayoress Hermione Lawson henceforth to be known as Ali Akbar Muhammed-Smythe.
9.15am – Adulteress Stoning. Mrs Amy Sturgess from 35 Lavinia Avenue will be buried up to her neck in the children’s sand pit and subjected to a barrage of bricks and rocks for smiling in a friendly manner at the milkman
12.00 noon – Children’s Kidnapping Extravaganza. A number of pre-bubescent girls will be bundled into the back of a Toyota Land Cruiser and driven off at speed never to be seen again
2.00pm – Infidel Lashing Hour. Any person who turns up a bit late following The Call To Prayer will be lashed to a garden trellis and flogged across the face and chest with a barbed flail until they are close to death.
4.00pm – Infidel Hanging. Participants in the lashing hour are humanely despatched…eventually
5.00pm – Bobbing For Hand Grenades – A perennial favourite in which a number of town jihadists try to remove live grenades from a barrel of holy water using their teeth. No Luis Suarezes!
6.00pm – Beat Your Neighbour. The final event of the evening which will involve people accused of anti-Islamic activities being bludgeoned to death with clubs by people living in the same street.
8.00pm – Community singing. We gather around the burning corpses of some of the infidel dogs snatched from neighbouring Guildford
9.00pm – Prayers and free candyfloss.
Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!
All proceeds will go to The Royal Society For The Aquittal Of Mad Mullahs