Monthly Archives: June 2014

The Thought Processes Of The Average England Fan During Last Night’s World Cup Clash Between Holland & Mexico

queen england fan

“Sing up you buggers! No wonder we lorst!”

******************************************************
Match Kicks Off – Holland are quite a good team and have an excellent manager with a fine track record

Mexico Score – Holland are rubbish and so is their manager. I knew this would happen when they didn’t sing the national anthem with gusto. That’s why England lost too you know.

Holland Equalise – Holland are quite a good team again now and the manager is a tactical genius

Holland Grab Late Winner – Holland will go on to win The World Cup and bestride the football world like a colossus for decades to come. The manager is the greatest tactician who ever lived and he sang the national anthem beautifully, as did all the players.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Satire

Soz Satire’s TV Choice #900

the queen

“Now where the f**k did one leave one’s spirit level?”

BBC4 22.55:  Majesty And Mortar.

A documentary team follow The Queen as she attempts to curb public and media criticism over big-spending royals by building a coal bunker round the back of Clarence House.

Warning: This programme may contain traces of Prince Philip.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

San Francisco To Lower Golden Gate Bridge To Curb Suicide Attempts

tower bridge

London’s Tower Bridge demonstrates it’s famous “Pinball Flippers” anti-suicide equipment.

********************************************

 

The city of San Francisco in The United States have announced that they are going to lower the famous Golden Gate Bridge, which spans San Francisco Bay and links it to The Pacific Ocean, leaving it suspended just 3 feet from the water in an effort to deter would-be suicide victims from leaping to their deaths.

The bridge, often macabrely referred to as The Bridge Of Death, has claimed over 1,400 victims since it was opened in 1937 and is the most prolific suicide site in The United States.

The Mayor Of San Francisco, Ed Lee, told reporters last night. “We feel it’s time something was done to deter people from taking their own lives in this way. Being dubbed the suicide capital of America is detrimental to our reputation and downright bad for business. We aim to start work on lowering the bridge in the fall and hope to finish before the Christmas rush of suicidal folks who have maxed out their credit cards begins”

The Mayor’s office have issued a statement however, pointing out that the bridge will be restored to it’s former height if Justin Bieber ever decides to take the easy way out.

11 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

Dorking To Stage “Sharia Law Summer Fete Of Retribution”

burkha

Excited townsfolk awaiting the result of last week’s Grand Raffle And Prize Draw

***********************************

Following the imposition of Islamic sharia law last month, the sleepy Surrey backwater of Dorking have announced details of their forthcoming summer fete in the parish magazine. Written by hand in Arabic, using the blood of slain infidels, the details are as follows:

9.00am – Grand opening by The Lady Mayoress Hermione Lawson henceforth to be known as Ali Akbar Muhammed-Smythe.

9.15am – Adulteress Stoning. Mrs Amy Sturgess from 35 Lavinia Avenue will be buried up to her neck in the children’s sand pit and subjected to a barrage of bricks and rocks for smiling in a friendly manner at the milkman

12.00 noon – Children’s Kidnapping Extravaganza. A number of pre-bubescent girls will be bundled into the back of a Toyota Land Cruiser and driven off at speed never to be seen again

2.00pm – Infidel Lashing Hour. Any person who turns up a bit late following The Call To Prayer will be lashed to a garden trellis and flogged across the face and chest with a barbed flail until they are close to death.

4.00pm – Infidel Hanging. Participants in the lashing hour are humanely despatched…eventually

5.00pm – Bobbing For Hand Grenades – A perennial favourite in which a number of town jihadists try to remove live grenades from a barrel of holy water using their teeth. No Luis Suarezes!

6.00pm – Beat Your Neighbour. The final event of the evening which will involve people accused of anti-Islamic activities being bludgeoned to death with clubs by people living in the same street.

8.00pm – Community singing.  We gather around the burning corpses of some of the infidel dogs snatched from neighbouring Guildford

9.00pm – Prayers and free candyfloss.

Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

All proceeds will go to The Royal Society For The Aquittal Of Mad Mullahs

12 Comments

Filed under Satire

American Soccer Fan Arrested And Beaten To Death For Appreciating Move By Opposing Team

cops

Two Miami cops preparing to maim anybody with a German surname before tonight’s USA v Germany clash

 

There was widespread condemnation across the globe last night as news emerged that a 45 year old man had been arrested and then beaten to death in a Miami jail cell after being reported to the police for expressing his appreciation of a shot at goal by Portuguese striker Christiano Ronaldo in a local bar during the world cup clash between USA and Portugal last week.

Fellow drinkers called the cops after Dwight Kincaid from Miami Beach, Florida was heard to exclaim “Hey that was a pretty neat effort guys!” after the Portuguese ace struck the crossbar from 30 yards during the clash.

A spokesman for the Florida Police Dept said last night “Hey shit happens man. The disloyal sonofabitch had it comin’ anyways. USA!…USA!…USA!

12 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

The Facebooker’s Guide To Dealing With Outages Or Device Crashes

I wrote this one this morning in “The Other Place” and have decided to reblog it here so that people I have actually fucking heard of can bask in it’s mediocrity too. 🙂

The League of Mental Men!

beckham

A 75 year old trawlerman from Lowestoft displaying his latest FB avatar last night.

Avatar Simulation: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind you.

Friending: Approach a complete stranger in the street, ask them for directions and then, over the next few weeks, gently probe them for intimate details of their private life before discussing them down the pub.

Unfriending: Approach the same person a few weeks later and kick them up the arse

Liking: Sidle up to somebody who’s engaged in a private conversation, nudge them in the ribs and give them a thumbs up sign.

Sharing: Break into somebody’s house and steal a painting or photograph from their wall…

View original post 194 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Soz Satire’s TV Choice #Eleventy Nine

suarez

Nom nom nom nom.

********************************

BBC2. 21.30: Luis Suarez’s 3 Second Italian Meals.

This week, the Uruguayan soccer icon rustles up a cheap and nutritious continental treat during some sustained jostling in the box prior to a Uruguayan corner.

suarez 2

“Don’t talk!…EAT!”

 

2 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire