Monthly Archives: May 2014

English Cricket Board Exhume W.G. Grace In Time For 1st Test Match

wg grace

Grace pictured warding off a good length ball and decomposure in the nets at Lords last night

 

Following the surprise news that veteran cricket all-rounder, Andrew Flintoff, has been recalled to the England 20/20 side, The English Cricket Board have announced that they have exhumed the body of Victorian cricket legend, W.G. Grace, with a view to including him in the team to face Sri Lanka at Lords on June 12.

A spokesman for the ECB told us last night “We realise this could be seen as a bit of a gamble in some quarters but given our recent poor form we felt that this innovative decision could be just what the lads in the dressing room need to boost flagging spirits”

Grace, who died in 1915, is expected to open the batting and come on as a first change bowler against the Sri Lankans and will probably field out on the boundary where spectators will be able to stop him from toppling over if the wind gets up a bit.

The Cricketer’s Almanac

PS. Apologies to my American friends who wont have a clue what I’m talking about. Just think Joe Di Maggio being picked to play for The Washington Red Dolphins in The World Bowl Playoffs Super Duper Final or something. 

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Stoning To Be Taught At London Primary School

stoning

A group of nervous youngsters pictured waiting for exam results last night

 

Controversial inner London primary school, Olive Tree Primary, in Lewisham, South East London, have announced plans to instruct pupils in the rudiments of public stoning as part of the curriculum for 2015.

The school, which has been in the news recently  following complaints from parents that the school library contains  Islamic fundamentalist propaganda, have come out in defence of the move.

Speaking outside the school gates, headmaster Saeed Muhammed, 79, told us “We strongly believe that we have a duty to furnish our youngsters with the facts and the correct procedure with regard to carrying out public executions. The lessons will be available to boys only at this time but we do plan to introduce female genital mutilation tuition for girl pupils in the not too distant future.

South London Press

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

While watching TV chef, Jamie Oliver, making a Shepherd’s Pie last night I distinctly heard him say “Now it’s time to whack in all that lovely minced beef”

While I realise that he does get extremely enthused when in the kitchen, surely he could wait until he gets home before masturbating.

Frampton Tiredsnatch

County Leitrim

Africa

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Dear Soz

Image

 

Dear Soz Satire

Create your very own revolutionary, Google Driverless Car “Where nobody’s in control” by drinking 12 pints of lager in the pub before driving home.

Gus Womensproblems

The Punjab

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Danny “Sparko” Soz: Heavyweight Consumer Champion

tough guy

I Know Your Rights!”

 

Dear Danny

I recently purchased one of those small, car vacuum cleaners to use on the carpets, mats and trim on my Honda hatchback but when I switched it on it began smoking and eventually blew a fuse in the voltage regulator. I took it back to the shop but the manager refused me a refund, claiming that I must have caused the problem myself through misuse of the item.

I wonder if you could help me with this one Danny as it cost quite a bit of money and my wife’s none too happy.

Kevin Chadwick

Sheffield

**************************

Dear Kevin

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then “went downstairs” and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots using both left and right hooks. This seemed to sicken him, and as he doubled up under the barrage I landed a couple of concussive right crosses to his jaw before putting his lights out with a real peach of a roundhouse left hander to the temple

Just to get the job properly squared away I went in with the boot, giving him a few quality toe-enders to the solar plexus. I then turned him over and stamped on his kidneys a few times before pulling out a Stanley blade and giving him a few stripes on both cheeks of his arse as a little souvenir present.

I then stole his wallet and bagged up a few valuables from his house to flog down the market on my secondhand goods stall.

Just for good measure I stamped on his face on the way out, giving him “the millimetre tread”, the liberty taking mug!

Hopefully this has been of some help to you Kevin. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you have any further problems down the line.

All the very best

Danny.

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The Soz Satire I’m A Sinister Nosy F****r Award

ugly man

 

Hi fellow blogger!

I have carefully singled out your wonderful blog from literally millions of other WordPress offerings because I find it so:  insightful/poetic/interesting/riveting/searingly erotic/moving/well-written etc for the prestigious Soz Satire IASNF Award.

In so doing I’m naturally assuming that you’re a gullible, desperate fuckwit of heroic proportions with nothing better to do all day than answer a shedload of personal questions about yourself which I can then pass on to other people of a similar tragi-comic ilk who will also take up the gauntlet in the risible belief that their utterly unremarkable blog is of any interest to any other fucker whatsoever.

I would therefore greatly appreciate it if you would put your life on hold for hours on bastard end so that I, and myriad other nosey, two bob arseoles can know your intimate details and pass them on to anyone who can afford a second hand laptop or has stolen and unlocked somebody else’s phone.

Disclaimer: I am probably the young, attractive, friendly, interesting man/woman I claim to be and not a 70 year old Halibut fisherman/woman from Grimsby with a string of convictions for masturbating through my trousers/big pants, on railway station platforms and I promise not to send you pictures of my rather unimpressive little shrivelled nob/tired old growler just a few days after making contact.

All the very best from your most ardent admirer

Insert laughably fictitious name here and pass it on ……

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Polish Armed Forces On Full Alert As UKIP Voter Orders Tiger Tank Online

tiger tank

Mr Robertson-Smythe and friends pictured rumbling into Dorking last night.

 

Polish troops were mobilised and put on full alert last night as reports came in that a United Kingdom Independence Party supporter had placed an order for a decommissioned World War II German Tiger Tank.

Polish Defence Minister Lech Vorzinsky told waiting reporters  “It’s probably nothing but you can’t be too careful can you? After all look what happened the last time”

The man who ordered the tank, Rupert Robertson-Smythe, a 56 year old arc welder from Kingston, Surrey and a long time supporter of the far right movement was unrepentant when told of the furore.

“Talk about over-reaction! I haven’t even annexed The Sudentenland yet!”

Reuters.

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