How To Avoid Murdering Your Girlfriend. A Gentleman’s Guide





1 – When discharging a firearm always ask your girlfriend to stand directly behind you

2 – If you suspect there may be an armed intruder in the bathroom, always knock first just to make sure it’s not your girlfriend before opening fire.

3 – Dont accompany your girlfriend on shopping trips for clothes, this particularly applies to the purchasing of female footwear. In the event this proves unavoidable, nod approvingly whenever shown an item of apparel, preferably accompanying this disingenuous act with platitudes such as: “That colour really suits you darling” or even better, “Blimey your arse looks almost miniscule in that one love!”

4 – Dont allow your girlfriend to map read during car journeys no matter how uncomplicated the route.

5 – Following a marathon, stamina sapping, bout of lovemaking, lasting a full 5 minutes or thereabouts, try not to take it the wrong way when she says “Was that it?”, or even worse, “Have you started yet?”

6 – Completely avoid the company of your girlfriend for a few days each calendar month.

7 – When going out on a date always ensure you turn up at least 2 hours late so that she’ll be “almost ready”

8 – Dont ask your girlfriend for her opinion of your mum.

9 – If you intend to break the speed limit in your car, bind and gag your girlfriend and lock her securely in the boot.

10 –  Lock your girlfriend in the bathroom during all televised sport. This will eradicate the urge to discharge a firearm at her when she begins tutting, coughing noisily, hoovering or walking in front of the screen during the taking of an injury time penalty. However, remember that she’s in the bathroom when you go for a much-needed slash after full time. Under no circumstances mistake her for an intruder and shoot her through the door.

The above tips were brought to you courtesy of The Oscar Pistorius Advisory Council.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit



Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

8 responses to “How To Avoid Murdering Your Girlfriend. A Gentleman’s Guide

  1. You missed out ‘Live alone,’ ‘Never tell her where you keep the gun’ and ‘Poke your own eyes out with a sharp stick.’ Other than that fine! Nice one.


  2. Okay, okay! So she took three whole hours for a shit, then had to re paint her nails, then decided to rinse through her undies. I mean! Good god, the woman is entitled to some time and privacy. Mike has tried to strangle me after an afternoon of me in the bath shaving me legs with his beard trimmer. What’s wrong with that?


    • I can only assume she had extremely long fingernails and a colonic blockage Shirl. The one thing I do know is that the lady, along with the customer, is always right. On pain of death!!!!! hehe


  3. Or in the case of William Burroughs, don’t ask your wife if you could try to shoot an apple of her head when your pissed. Who’d have thought that one would go wrong.


    • It’s Sod’s Law my friend. It’s akin to the toast falling butter-side down when you drop it, or somebody giving you a free ticket to An Evening With Jim Davidson.



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