Monthly Archives: March 2014

Jason And His Lager Thoughts. Grog-Fuelled Addiction Counsellor.

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“I’ll tek the f*****g lot of yers!”

 

 

Dear Jason

My name’s Mary and I think I may be becoming too reliant on drink to get me through the day.

I was always a sensible drinker until recently. A glass or two of wine at the weekend, the odd cold beer while on holiday etc. However, over the last 6 months my alcohol intake has increased quite substantially. As soon as I wake up I drink a can of strong lager with a Jack Daniels chaser. I then down 4 or 5 pints of light and bitter while I get dressed and put on my make up.

At work I drink constantly from a vacuum flask containing Sambuca and blackcurrant, which my colleagues think is black coffee. I then have around 10 pints of scrumpy cider in the pub on the way home from work before relaxing in front of the TV with a few bottles of red wine and a 6 pack of Tennants Super.

Friends tell me that my behaviour has altered lately too and I’ve been arrested a number of times for brawling in the street and for sleeping in shop doorways

I realise I’m probably exceeding the amount of units recommended by health experts and would love to cut down my intake before things get out of hand.

Is there any advice you can pass on regarding this one Jason as I know you’ve overcome similar problems yourself in the past?

Yours faithfully

Mary Terry

Glasgow.

****************************************************************

Dear Mary

Can I get back to you after I’ve been down the off-licence Mary? Only I’m shaking like a shitting dog here love.

All The Very Best

Jason.

Disclaimer: No Ancient Greek heroes were slain by sword wielding skeletons in the writing of this skit…hopefully.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire *hic*

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Egyptian Masochist Complains Of Humane Treatment At Hands Of Police During 12 Hour Detention

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A cup of cocoa similar to the one Musharak claims he was forced to drink during his detention

 

 

A 35 year old man with masochistic tendencies has revealed that he was treated firmly but extremely fairly during an overnight detention in a Cairo police station.

Ali Musharak, a taxi driver, told reporters that he was arrested and detained after being caught throwing rocks at security forces during a street riot last Tuesday.

Looking pale and visibly shaken by his ordeal, Musharak said.

“It was a night I’ll never forget as long as I live. After my arrest I was told by an officer at the police station that I was going to be detained overnight for my own safety, or at least until peace had been restored on the streets.

“I was then led to a cell by two officers who gave me tea and biscuits and a cosy blanket. They then asked me if I wanted the light on or off before leaving me to get some sleep. To my disappointment neither of them even once threatened to beat me on the soles of my feet, let alone send electric shocks through my genitals while I stood in a bowl of water.

“At one point, at around 3.00am, a burly officer entered the cell and my hopes grew that at last I was going to be subjected to inhumane treatment of some description, or at the very least, be dragged from the cell for brutal interrogation by a sadistic member of the secret police who would slap me around a bit while I was tied helpless to a chair.

“Instead of which, the officer asked me if I was warm enough and offered to make me a cup of hot chocolate. He then tucked the blanket in around my feet and left. It was the lowest point of my entire ordeal by far and I began to wonder if this incessant kindness would ever end.

“At around 9.00am the following morning a high ranking officer came in with my morning tea and a form, asking me to rate the comfort of the accommodation and friendliness of the staff on a scale ranging from: “Polite but a little distant” to “I’d certainly recommend this station to family and friends”

“I was then given a plate of scrambled eggs with crispy bacon and offered a lift back to my home in a police car. It was an ordeal I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy to be honest with you”

A weeping Masharak was then led away by relatives after telling reporters that he was planning to leave the country for Zimbabwe in the next few days, where he plans to fire a pea shooter at Robert Mugabi and to accuse him publicly of dyeing his hair.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Japanese Soldier Discovered Fighting World WarII In Dorking

 japanese soldier

Banzai!!!!…ah.

 

Details have emerged of the discovery of a Japanese WW II veteran in a small wooded copse just outside the small  town of Dorking in Surrey.

It appears the man, now aged 97, has been waging a solitary war against The Allies for the past 70 years in the mistaken belief that he was still in the jungles of Burma surrounded by The Chindits, completely unaware that Emperor Hirohito had surrendered to  the Americans in The Potsdam Agreement of 1945.

In 1944, Toshiro Shigamitsu, a corporal in the Imperial Japanese Army, was sent on a solitary forward reconnaissance mission to locate the position of British troops. Having discovered a small patrol of Royal Engineers setting up camp by a river ,the slightly built soldier had then crawled into the rucksack of an English Lance Bombardier, intending to lie concealed until first light before launching a sneak attack on the unsuspecting Tommies.

In an ironic twist of fate, the British soldier in question went home on leave to Dorking the following morning and unwittingly took the diminutive Japanese with him, along with his belt kit and smoking paraphernalia.

It would appear that on arrival in the sleepy stockbroker belt village, the unsuspecting Oriental crawled out of the rucksack and entered a nearby copse to lay up until further orders came from his commanding officer. He then remained secreted there for the next 70 years, ready to fight and die for The Emperor.

He apparently lived on a diet consisting entirely of berries and small Grayling that he’d caught from the nearby River Mole, using a shoelace with a rudimentary hook attached. He’d then baited the hook with bits of cheese and other morsels that he’d found in the discarded sandwiches of local picnickers and hikers.

Through an interpreter, Corporal Shigamitsu spoke to  reporters last night

“As far as I was concerned the war was still on and I was determined to do my bit for The Emperor and my beloved homeland. I must admit I was a bit concerned when I didn’t hear from my unit for over 2 years, but I put it down to the fact they were probably lying low and keeping radio silence whilst luring the British into a cunning trap. “I also noticed the weather had changed considerably, and that the piercing cries of Howler Monkeys and the sound of exotic bird-call had tailed off a bit. But I was determined to stick it out. I fashioned a sturdy shelter and an ad hoc machine gun nest from bits of twigs and old shopping trolleys I found partially submerged in the river and waited for any sign of the enemy.

“As the years passed my resolve strengthened.  I felt sure that my comrades would send word at any moment that victory was ours, and that the British dogs had been cleansed from The Far East forever. However, I must confess that I sometimes yearned to be able to abandon my post and go back to my former life as a bell boy in a small hotel.

“Now that I’ve done my duty to the best of my ability, all I want to do is return home to my wife in Hiroshima. I last spoke to her in early August 1945, via a forces telephone, but our conversation was brief and ended suddenly after she said  “Hang on a moment dear, there seems to be a bit of a kerfuffle outside”

 

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London Man Loses Facebook Account For Being Sound In Wind And Limb

dead people

A number of Facebookers pictured at a “Drinks In The Park” get-together last summer.

 

 

A 53 year old man from Barking in East London has been given a life ban by social networking giant, Facebook, for failing to complain about a single debilitating illness or painful injury since he opened an account in July 2003.

Danny Irons, a pattern maker at The Whitechapel Bell Foundry, looked visibly shaken but otherwise in extremely good health, as he spoke to reporters last night.

“I can’t believe Facebook have done this to me” he said, raising a 300lb barbel from the floor and executing a flawless set of 8 Romanian Deadlifts. “I had a warning pink slip from Facebook about 6 months ago, advising me that unless I contracted a fairly serious illness or sustained an injury that rendered me unable to work for a few months, my account would be closed without the opportunity to appeal. Apparently a number of people on my friend’s list had complained about my complete lack of whining, or of any desperate attempts to gain the sympathy vote by droning on, day in day out, about having something wrong with me.

“I can quite honestly say I’ve done everything in my power to get sick or to sustain an injury. I’ve spent countless hours sitting in doctor’s waiting rooms, chock full of coughing kids and wheezing pensioners. I’ve hung around in the lobby of The London Home For The Incurables in Streatham in the hope of picking up something terminal, and even went on holiday to the malarial swamplands of The Congo without having any shots, but all to no avail. At one point I felt quite hopeful when I noticed blood in one of my stools. I was hoping it might be the early signs of bowel cancer, but it turned out to be the result of a beetroot sandwich I’d eaten earlier that day.

“As for injuries, I’ve tried getting jobs in so-called hazardous professions. I spent 6 months as a trawlerman in Aberdeen, I took up window cleaning on icy mornings, I even spent 3 months as a bomb disposal expert in Helmand Province but I didn’t even graze my knee.

“I finally gave up after laying down on the track at Bethnal Green tube station, only to discover that Bob Crow had led the drivers out on strike that day. I don’t mind telling you I’m at my wits end”

A spokesperson for Facebook said last night. “Mr Irons’ excellent health was clearly upsetting other members so we feel entirely justified in imposing a life ban at this time. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to visit my doctor, with what I suspect, is a particularly nasty case of Black Water Fever”

Mr Irons has asked us to donate part of his fee to The Great Ormond Street Hospital For Twitter Followers Who Think They’ve Got A Bit O f A Cold Coming On.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Dear WordPress: Double Missive Spectacular!

Dear WordPress

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, by hurtling round The Nurburgring at breakneck speed in a variety of muscle cars while being filmed by the BBC.

For added authenticity I have befriended an irritating, moon-faced, grinning dwarf and a bumbling halfwit with a sex offender’s demeanour and haircut.

Piers Morgan

Skid Row.

 

Dear WordPress

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m unemployed, insufferable, ex-TV chat show host, Piers Morgan, by behaving like an unctuous, condescending, public school fuck.

For added authenticity I have given myself the sack and then had a TV crew film me walking around Times Square as if I’m not in the least bit bothered.

Jeremy Clarkson

Nurburgring

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London Man’s Plea For Mercy Killing After 5 Year Battle Against The X Factor

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Mr Denton puts a brave face on it last night after learning that Fergie out of The Black-Eyed Peas is to join the panel of judges.

A 52 year old man, from Spitalfields in East London, is to appeal to The European Court Of Human Rights in a bid to overturn the recent ruling by the British government, denying him the right to an assisted suicide on humane grounds due to constant exposure to popular TV talent show, The X Factor.

Cliff Denton, a motor vehicle technician, will claim that throughout the last 5 years, Saturday nights have become a living hell, sapping his will to live and robbing him of any semblance of quality of life.

In a moving statement, made from the sofa in his living room, a clearly emotional Mr Denton told us.

“For 5 long years I’ve battled against this filthy TV show, it’s now got to the point where I just want it all to end. It’s not just for myself it’s for my family too. It’s just not fair to have them watch me go through this hell every Saturday night.

“I’ve tried turning over to Inspector Morse repeats on ITV3, but my wife gets annoyed and switches it back again. At the end of the day if a dumb animal was suffering like this people wouldn’t hesitate to have it put to sleep. I just want to be allowed to slip away peacefully. Preferably before the new series starts and I have to be subjected to that oily fuck, Simon Cowell, with his big trousers and gigantic, botoxed forehead for what seems like hours at a time”

If Mr Denton fails in his bid, he has confided to friends that he may follow in the footsteps of a man from Arbroath in Scotland, who last year threw himself in front of a speeding train shortly before X Factor rival TV show, The Voice, began it’s second series.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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The Soz Satire Mint Proudly Present: The Oscar Pistorius Galvanised Sick Bucket Of Tranquility

bucket

A bucket, a bit like the one you’ll get, except ours will have Oscar Pistorius on it.

We at The Soz Satire Mint are delighted to announce that we have released a limited edition of just under four thousand of these beautifully crafted sick buckets, which we believe, will enhance your home and act as a treasured memento of the times when Oscar Pistorius vomited in the dock during his trial for shooting his girlfriend.

Each fully galvanised bucket is made from real metal, lovingly fashioned into a bucket by our highly skilled team of Bangladeshi orphans. Finished with at least one coat of lead paint and capable of holding at least two litres of highly acidic, regurgitated stomach contents, we personally guarantee that if you’re not absolutely delighted with your purchase we’ll give you every opportunity to become embroiled in a costly legal wrangle trying to get your money back.

Buckets similar to this one normally retail at around £5.00 in the high street, but because this is a commemorative one, with a picture of Oscar Pistorius stuck on the side, we are prepared to offer them to you at the attractive price of £2,547.00 each.

Simply call us on. 077864921378 and we’ll send round one of our friendly, burly, sales staff to collect the money at a time that suits us.

Terms and conditions. I’m quite elderly and/or feeble minded. I fully accept that the chances of being given a bucket on the day that I hand over the money are extremely slim. I have no relatives in the legal profession. I will be out most days between the hours of .. .. and .. ..  I do not own a fierce dog.

Signed………

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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