Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Children’s Classics #23,987. The Famous Five by Enid Blighton


Three normal children pictured with a dog-carrying lesbian last night.


Five Go Off To Smuggler’s Cove.

Scene 1 -Great Uncle Quentin’s Remote Clifftop House

“I say you lot. Isn’t it absolutely spiffing that it’s the summer hols and we’re spending the time with Great Uncle Quentin at his remote house on a cliff, which rather handily, overlooks the mysterious Smuggler’s Cove which nobody in the village will talk about?”

“I’ll say it is Julian! You really are an absolute brick for bringing us here. HUZZAH!”

“Yes he jolly well is and as I’m the tomboy in the group who will no doubt become a complete lesbian before I’m very much older, I’m hoping that we’ll become embroiled in an absolutely wizard adventure involving smugglers and the like. HUZZAH!”


“I say everybody, what are those mysterious lights out at sea about a mile offshore from Smuggler’s Cove? I wonder if it’s some criminal types up to no good!”

“Yes I do believe it’s a gang of ruthless smugglers Dick. Probably a bunch of blackies from Africa or suchlike. I’m going to jolly well call the police!”


Scene 2 – At the police station

“Thanks to you kids we’ve managed to foil a ruthless plot to smuggle diamond watches into England and we’ve got 5 darkies safely behind bars. Sgt Wilkins will take you to the canteen for that and what’s more the food’s on us”

“HUZZAH! Do they serve cold ham and tongue sandwiches and lashings of ginger beer/”

“Don’t be so fucking ridiculous! You’ll have egg, chips and beans and bloody well like it!


The End.


Filed under Satire, Soz Satire, Spoof, Uncategorized

8 responses to “Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Children’s Classics #23,987. The Famous Five by Enid Blighton

  1. Me

    This is most strange… we where discussing “lashings of ginger beer” in the car yesterday…


    • It’s a story as old as time itself mate. Boy meets girl. Boy takes girl for drive in car where they discuss lashings of ginger beer. Boy reads load of old toot on some lame blogging site featuring the self-same subject matter the day after.
      We’ve all been there son.


  2. An absolute cracker old chap. Of course, back in the day you couldn’t get ‘sugar free’ ginger beer. I know this because when it did eventually hit the market place I developed something of an addiction to it – overlooking, or perhaps not knowing – that this new fangled version contain a sweetener that doubled up as a laxative if taken in high doses. The day my laxative levels reached optimum point I ………….enough said!


    • Addiction eh? Did they wean you off the GB with liquid Methadone coupled with the occasional intravenous shot of Dandelion & Burdock?
      You wont have been the first old son. Stay strong and all the very best for the future 😦
      Just say no mate. Just say no.


  3. Bloody funny stuff. I like the way your mind works.


  4. I feel old for knowing who the famous five are/were…thanks for bringing back some good memories, though;)



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