Dorking Woman Saves Town From Flood Catastrophe Using Son’s Breakfast Cereal.

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Wapping Dock in East London pictured last night after a worker swept in some deck crumbs from a tanker carrying a consignment of Weetabix

A 23 year old single mother from the sleepy, backwater town of Dorking in Surrey, was being hailed as a hero last night after she single-handedly saved the town from a potentially catastrophic flood disaster using her 6 year old son’s nourishing breakfast cereal

Jade Tracy, a petite blonde divorcee, who has lived in the town all her life, told reporters how she first hit upon the idea of using one of her child’s Weetabix biscuits to stem a raging torrent of flood water that was threatening homes and businesses during the powerful storm that ravaged large swathes of the south of England yesterday.

“It was quite funny actually” she told us from her neat home in Jackson Road, “I was getting Toby’s breakfast ready as usual. Weetabix is his favourite so I was doing that for him. I then noticed how incredibly absorbent the biscuit thingies were. I only gave him one and a half and yet I had to pour over 3 litres of milk on them just to moisten the edges a bit.

“I then started to wonder if they’d be any good against the floods that loads of my neighbours have had to put up with lately. Some of them haven’t been able to live in their houses since before Christmas you know? It’s been absolutely dreadful it really has.

“Anyway I put Toby in his buggy and we went down to the bridge in the high street. I threw one of his Weetabix into the River Dork that keeps bursting it’s banks, and just waited to see what would happen really.

“Within less than a minute the whole river and all the flood water from the shops had gone. All that was left was the Weetabix biscuit which had swollen up a bit.

“I couldn’t believe it to be honest. I thought it might have soaked up a few thousand gallons but to do all that was amazing. I was well chuffed and called my mum straight away to tell her”

Delighted residents are now planning a civic reception for Jade and little Toby, but the mayor told us it will have to take place after road gangs have finished removing the concrete-like Weetabix residue from nearby roads and buildings with pneumatic drills.

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5 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Soz Satire, Spoof

5 responses to “Dorking Woman Saves Town From Flood Catastrophe Using Son’s Breakfast Cereal.

  1. A cure for potholes? Apply for the patent now before I steal your idea and make several billion pounds from UK local government and despots worldwide!

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    • Do you remember the rise and rapid fall of Oatabix, a kind of ready mix concrete spin off of Weetabix?
      I used to get the missus to soak em in her bath water just so I could break em up a bit with me spoon!
      Mate of mine got one wedged in his colon once and exploded in a giant shit ball in front of 30.000 cheering fans at West Ham v Spurs in 1999. Thank God we won is all I can say!

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      • Any win against the team who’s name must never be uttered is a good win I say! By the way I got Jesusella to have the Millwall fans applaud each of the 7 goals West Ham scored against them the other week – it was a miracle no less.

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  2. I was actually beginning to think that this might not be such a bad idea… Until you wisely reminded me of the fucking residue!

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    • Wisdom is my stock-in-trade, my forte and my middle name Smithy. *puffs contentedly on pipe and backs West Ham to win the league*
      I’ll tell you one thing though mate. If the Emperor, Hadrian, had known about the mortar-like bonding qualities of Weetabix, we’d never had been forced to endure Nicky Campbell or The Krankies south of the border!

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