Ted Threesome. Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant

Dear Ted

I’m a great believer in the natural healing powers of plants, fungae and herbs etc and regularly turn to my garden whenever myself or my husband are feeling under the weather with excellent results.

However I’ve never been able to grow Witch Hazel successfully thus far. Could this be down to the soil in my garden which is rather chalky?

Yours Faithfully

Mary Terry

Sheffield

Dear Mary

Do you let your husband tie you up? I bet you do don’t you, you little slut! Do you like PVC Mary? I do. I like to rub myself against PVC greenhouse covers in lady’s gardens. Are you wearing any Mary? I bet you’re not are you, you bad girl. I love it when you tease me! Oh yeah baby, you know what I like don’t you, you filthy bitch! UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH!

PS. Try growing it in a pot containing some peat-based compost.

Regards

Ted

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

OUT NOW! Our fabulous Valentine’s Day issue. It’s heartbreakingly unfunny!

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10 Comments

Filed under Humour, Personal

10 responses to “Ted Threesome. Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant

  1. Nice. Tight. Well written and with the proper OOOMPHasis in the right ….spot..at exactly..ooo…. the right…uuugh! Time. Thx. Nice writing.

    Like

    • Thanks mate. It was all done in the best possible taste natch.
      What colour are you wearing today btw?

      Like

      • Well, now that you’ve asked, … I’m wearing a ..how can I say it… Oh Hell! I’m not wearing ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!

        Like

      • Well for God’s sake put some clothes on man! Have you seen the weather forecast???
        And make sure you put a warm vest on. I don’t want you getting a chill around your kidneys!. Tsk 😦
        *licks corner of hanky and wipes Weetabix residue from Inspired’s chin*

        Like

      • OK. I will. It’s just that… you know, gardening questions … they… do something inside me that…. makes things get….. bigger. You know what I mean. BTW, you’re a dirty ole bastard. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you had sexual innuendo going on with your blog here. SEXUAL INNUENDO! You dirty old guy, you.

        Like

      • Dirty wonderfully preserved guy if you don’t mind mate. Why I outta!

        Like

  2. As I write I have the Zoopla and Prime Location tabs open on my PC seeking out properties in Sheffield. I shall tell the wife that in Mary Terry I am likely to find true love. I cannot thank you enough for this post.

    Like

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