A middle-class woman from Dorking in Surrey, last night advised the people of Great Britain to get any outstanding jobs around the home completed before the entire country is laid waste when the shale gas releasing process, known as fracking, is introduced later this year.
Mrs Mabel Rodrigues, 57, spoke to reporters from outside her plush home in the leafy, stockbroker belt backwater last night and urged the British public to “get a wiggle on” before the entire country is reduced to a barren hinterland.
“It’s so worrying” she said, flanked by her husband Giles and their two Red Setters. “I’ve always voted for The Conservatives in the past but I shall certainly think twice if this fracking business destroys the entire country”
“I know it’s only those dreadful northerners who are most at risk, and let’s be honest, if their homes fell down I doubt if anyone would notice a difference, but who’s to say that a huge crack wont open in the earth’s crust and kill us all in our beds. I saw some nice young men dressed like members of The Palestine Liberation Organisation on the news earlier and they seem absolutely convinced that this ghastly business will see us all in an early grave by October at the very latest.”
“I’m certainly not taking any chances and I’m going to get Giles weeding the herbaceous border and painting the guttering as soon as possible. I mean one doesn’t want the emergency services hauling one from the rubble with the house and garden in a mess does one?”
“I think it’s a jolly poor show to be honest with you and I shall be telling Hermione and Charles just that when we meet for our Wednesday night bridge evening tomorrow!”
Mrs Rodrigues then left to take her dogs to the grooming parlour, explaining “I’m damned if I’m going to have Tilly and Bertram looking unkempt as they roam the rubble-strewn wasteland feasting on our decaying corpses. I mean to say one does have certain standards to uphold you know”