Beautician Collapses And Dies In Olly Murs Facial Massage Tragedy


A 29 year old beauty consultation died in the early hours of yesterday morning after being rushed to hospital suffering from severe exhaustion following an attempt to tone and moisturise the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs.

The woman, who hasn’t yet been named, is believed to have begun her Herculean task shortly before Christmas and was reportedly just about to begin work on a difficult to access area behind his left ear when she collapsed and went into a coma.

Neighbours reported that an industrial cement tanker had just delivered a 200 tonne load of Nivea For Men to Murs’s home in Essex shortly before tragedy struck.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he was lying down next to Heathrow Airport, where his forehead was being used as a temporary 5th runway to deal with a backlog of weather affected flights, but a spokesman for his record company told us.

“Olly will be absolutely devastated to learn of this one. He puts tremendous store on getting his skin in peak condition for his many fans and he’ll see this as a tremendous setback to his grooming regime. To be honest with you I’m surprised that this lady even attempted to moisturise his gigantic clock, as we normally employ an industrial muck spreader, filled with toning lotion, to drive over his face for a few hours before a gang of workmen with shovels smear it into his pores. It’s too tragic for words and means certain cancellation of a photoshoot we had planned for next Thursday”

Murs’s mother, Madge, 109, told us.

“You wait till he comes home for his tea! I’ll give the moon-faced little bleeder a bloody good hiding for this! I dont mind him trying to look his best for his fans but when innocent people start getting killed it’s time for a stern talking-to! I blame his father you know. He had a massive dial on him too”

This incident comes just days after a gang of 32 illegal Bulgarian immigrants lost their lives attempting to rub an anti-cellulite cream into Vanessa Feltz’s arse.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit



Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Showbiz, Soz Satire, Spoof

7 responses to “Beautician Collapses And Dies In Olly Murs Facial Massage Tragedy

  1. Surely West Ham could use his face as their new stadium?


  2. Me

    I believe it was discovery of his noggin that meant that Pluto could no longer be classified as a planet…


  3. Very funny, once again. Scary looking fellow. Looks like a dissipating cloud with eyes.


    • Indeed he does! In actual fact that pic is a photoshop job, crafted by a friend of mine that does occasional work for Soz Satire magazine. I couldn’t get his real face to fit on the page you see.



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