Monthly Archives: January 2014

Aunt Harriet Out Of Batman Quits To Become African Warlord

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Aunt Harriet, pictured right, joins fellow members of The African Women’s Institute en route to butcher subscribers to Home & Garden.

Comic book lovers across the globe were left shaken last night as news emerged that Aunt Harriet, the bumbling, lovable Aunt of Batman’s youthful ward Robin, has quit the show to become leader of a murderous band of rebel fighters in The Democratic Republic Of Congo.

She is believed to be behind a number of recent atrocities in the region, including the sacking and burning of a tribal village last week which left over 200 charred and mutilated bodies lying in the dust.

The Dynamic Duo, both looking visibly shaken, spoke to reporters at a secret location outside The Bat Cave last night. Batman, his face etched with concern said.

“Robin and myself realised something wasn’t quite right last week when we found our faithful butler, Alfred, disembowelled and hacked to pieces at the bottom of one of the Bat Poles. There were also tribal symbols and African political slogans sprayed all over The Batmobile. Stately Wayne Manor just wont be the same without her”

At this point The Boy Wonder became animated and seemed overwrought, smacking his gloved fist into his palm a number of times before blurting out.

“Holy Murderous Matrons Batman! I bet that foul fiend The Joker is behind all this! To The Batmobile!”

Batman then had to steady the young crime-fighter, placing a hand on his shoulder saying

“Steady old chum. Profanity is the domain of the poorly-educated scoundrel. There may be young children watching”

The Caped Crusaders then went back inside The Batcave before millionaire Bruce Wayne emerged minutes later with a glamorous starlet on his arm to pose for snappers.

This latest revelation will further stun fans of American comic book heroes, already shaken by the news that Lois Lane personally led a brutal attack by Islamic extremists on a small Christian enclave in Uzbekistan last Thursday, leaving over 300 dead and many more wounded.

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Soccer Legend David Beckham Held Following Theft Of Honey Boo Boo’s Pneumatic Drill

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Concerned townspeople gather outside the McIntyre jail house last night.

Police in the southern United States town of McIntyre, Georgia, last night revealed that they have arrested England soccer icon, David Beckham, on suspicion of stealing a pneumatic drill belonging to child beauty pageant contestant and US TV star, Honey Boo Boo.

It is believed that Beckham, 87, took the item from Miss Boo Boo’s back yard while the 6 year old was inside with her Mother, Mama June, being fitted for a new ball gown in readiness for a beauty pageant in nearby Washington DC next Saturday.

Speaking outside the town jail house, Sheriff Jed Lynchmob told waiting reporters.

“Following the reported theft of a pneumatic drill from the property of Honey Boo Boo last Tuesday afternoon I can now confirm that we are holding the British soccer player, David Beckham, on suspicion of petty larceny. Mr Beckham denies all charges at this moment in time and will be held in custody until his trial 6 months from now or thereabouts.”

Speaking from outside their home, Honey Boo Boo’s father, Mike “Sugar Bear” Thomson, told reporters.

“Landsakes ah really don’t know what to say to y’all ’bout this here business folks. Mah little girl loved that drill just like she loves her little coon dawg puppy. Ah had it all done up real special for her too, with little diamanté handgrips and a set of perdy little pink industrial strength drill bits for when she went out a drillin’ and a diggin’ outside our back porch. And now that low down sonofabitch Beckham done stole it and mussed it all up.

“Ah’ll tell you now people, mah little princess used to love that piece of limey crap and used to watch his thieving ass play that English soccer every chance she got. Now all she wants is to see that dirty s.o.b a kickin’ and a hangin’ from that big ole Elm Tree outside the county courthouse and ah don’t blame her none for it! No siree ah dont!”

This latest incident has stunned Beckham’s fans worldwide who were already reeling from the news that his wife, Victoria, was being held by police in London, England for allegedly breaking into the home of The Duke Of Cambridge and stealing a vinyl recording of Tennessee Ernie Ford singing 16 Tons.

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BBC Test Card Girl. The No-Frills Tennis Coach The Pros Can Trust

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Dear BBC Test Card Girl

I’m a leading tennis pro whose career has taken a bit of a downturn recently. After a couple of highly successful years in which I won The US Open, an Olympic gold medal, and reached the pinnacle of every pro’s dream by winning the Wimbledon men’s final, I find myself in a bit of a slump and have slipped down the world rankings to No.5.

My all round game is still pretty solid and I feel I’m a match for any player on the circuit when it comes to ground strokes, lobs, volleys etc. My problem is solely related to my serve. I seem to have developed a kind of nervous tic after the ball toss and find myself freezing just before I strike the ball, or sometimes, even missing the ball completely and falling over. I suppose it’s akin to the pro golfer’s “yips” or the snooker player’s inability to deliver the cue when using the long rest. I’ve tried everything I can think of to overcome this one but to no avail. I’ve even asked my mum, a top coach and advisor to some of the greatest players in the world to help me, but she just asks me if I’ve got my vest on or if I’ve been eating my greens. The other day when I asked her if yoga or pilates might help loosen  the shoulder a bit, she just spat on a corner of her hankie and wiped around my chin.

In short I just don’t know where to turn BBC Test Card Girl, so I’m praying that you can call on your long experience of coaching some of the legends of the game and help me overcome this one. If not I’ll probably just throw in the towel and take on a role in the commentary box at Wimbledon or something.

Yours Faithfully

A. Murray

Great Britain.

 

Dear Mr Murray

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime here’s some music…

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Government Presses For Royal Belt Tightening As Queen Blows £13.75 Down The Pub

The Queen’s Grandad looking chastened after a bollocking from Cardinal Wolsey for spending 1/6d on comely wenches in a local rub ‘n’ tug shop

A government financial body has urged the royal household to kerb excessive spending as it was revealed that The Queen, accompanied by Prince Philip, spent £13.75 last Saturday night in a local pub close to their Windsor home.

The House Of Commons Accounts Committee issued a statement last night strongly criticising use of public funds by Her Majesty, on what they described as, “frivolous jaunts”

The report alleges that The Queen splashed out on 2 pints of light and bitter and a Sambuca “Depth Charge” cocktail, and then went on to play 3 games of bar billiards with her husband at 50p a frame.

The Common’s statement also made the claim that Prince Philip had a number of unsuccessful goes on the fruit machine costing a further £3,00.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace told reporters last night.

“Yes it’s correct that Her Majesty and The Duke Of Edinburgh went out for a quiet drink down their local last Saturday and that a small sum was spent on drink and a couple of pub games, but what the people of this country should also know is that The Duke had earlier won £20.00 on the horses for an outlay of just £5.00 on a 4/1 shot at Kempton Park, and that it was this money that was used to fund the night out and not monies from the public purse”

He then left without taking questions as journalists pressed him on alleged claims that Philip had spent £2.00 on a packet of strawberry flavoured rubber johnnies in the bogs and that they’d both had a large doner with salad and chili sauce in the cab on the way home.

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I Kicked Tony Blair Up The Arse In White House Bogs Claims Kofi Annan

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A gents toilet pictured last night with nobody being kicked up the arse in it.

In a surprise announcement made last night to trade delegates at London’s Guild Hall, ex-United Nations General Secretary, Kofi Annan, revealed that during high level peace talks to resolve the crisis in Iraq in 2003, he kicked British Prime Minister Tony Blair up the arse in the White House toilets during a comfort break.

Nobel Peace Prize winner, Annan, 77, told a group of over 100 captains of British industry.

“The peace talks weren’t going very well to be honest with you. Despite my urgings for restraint and for fresh proposals to be put to the Iraqi government, Mr Blair and President Bush were completely intransigent and wanted to launch a full scale invasion at the earliest opportunity.

“Around 2.00am I started breaking my neck for a piss and called for a 20 minute break in proceedings. Both Blair and Bush readily agreed and while the President remained seated, Blair and myself went to the men’s room down the corridor. Once inside I went over to one of the urinals to relieve myself while Mr Blair went into one of the traps for a shit.

“I can only assume he’d dined well at the pre-talks buffet as it sounded like somebody emptying a sack of King Edwards potatoes into a bucket.

“I had just finished washing my hands and was starting to roll a cigarette when Blair emerged and stood, slightly bent at the waist, at one of the sinks.

“It was an opportunity too good to miss, so I took a short run up and booted him right up the arse. At the time it seemed like the most natural thing in the world

“He took it fairly well to be honest with you and just gave me one of those famous trade mark grins before drying his hands and leaving.

“To his credit he didn’t allow the incident to faze him one iota and within 7 days British and American jet fighter-bombers were flattening Baghdad.  I’ve met Mr Blair on a number of occasions since the incident and he’s never once mentioned it, although he did confide in me that during an all-night sitting at The House Of Commons in 2004, he rushed into the ladies toilets at The House Of Commons and pulled Margaret Thatcher’s knickers down to her ankles while she was using the hand dryer.”

Reuters.

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Menopausal Meg. Hormonal Agony Aunt From Hades

Dear Meg.

I’m a shy 17 year old boy who has fallen hopelessly in love with a girl in my class at school. I find myself thinking of her constantly and can’t concentrate on my school work or anything else for that matter. My parents are constantly nagging me to do better and I know I should make more of an effort but all I can think of is her.

She’s very pretty and outgoing and makes friends very easily. She’s friendly and kind to me at school but I want more than that. I don’t think she has a boyfriend and would love to ask her out, but I’m so shy and lacking in self confidence that I just can’t summon up the courage.

Please help me if you can Meg as I don’t know who else to turn to. It’s got to the point now where I don’t think I want to go on living if it means seeing her with somebody else one day.

Timothy Matthews

Stowe-On-The-Wold

Dear Timothy

This is absolutely typical of men! I work my fingers to the bone in this house, day in day out, and all you can do is coming whining to me with your pathetic, sordid little fantasies!

Do you know how long it took for me to hoover this house from top to bottom yesterday? No? Well I’ll tell you shall I? Three and a half hours!!! Three and a half hours slaving away while you were sitting on your backside in a warm classroom staring at some brazen little madame’s undernourished tits!

You’re all the same the bloody lot of you! Brains in your boxers. My ex-husband was exactly the same. He’d come rolling into this house after spending 9 to 10 hours living it up on some building site in the middle of winter and expect me to cook bloody dinner for him!

I used to say to him “Don’t think for one minute you can come barging into this house at all hours, expecting me to skivvy for you after you’ve been out gallivanting half the day, because, if you do, you’ve got another think coming matey, Oh and there’ll be none of your pawing and mauling of me in bed tonight neither! Oh dear me no! You’re no better than a rutting beast of the field!. I should have listened to my mother, God rest her.  She warned me about you and your disgusting ways!”

So my advice to you, you mucky little oik, is to get on with your bloody lessons and get your mind out of the gutter. Better still, visit one of those suicide advisory web sites and find a quick way to do away with yourself. You’ll be doing all concerned a favour, believe you me!

Fondest Best Wishes And All The Very Best For The Future

Meg x

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Jane Austin-Morris. No Nonsense 19th Century Relationship Counsellor

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Dear Miss Austin-Morris

Pray allow me to introduce myself and to beg your counsel in a matter of the heart which I have found greatly troubling of late.

I am a gentleman of four and thirty years, high born and with a considerable fortune. I live in an extremely agreeable, some would say sumptuous, manner in a large, well appointed house in Hertfordshire.

However, despite all these trappings of wealth I find myself miserable in the extreme. For you see madam, my heart no longer belongs to me. I have given it most wholeheartedly to a young woman who despises me and who shuns my presence at every turn.

She is one of five sisters, daughters to a local businessman, a thoroughly respectable family of moderate means for whom I have the utmost affection and respect.

Elizabeth, for that is indeed the name of my dear one, is the eldest sister, a beautiful creature of somewhat haughty bearing who spurns my society at every turn despite my most ardent entreaties.

I have endeavoured to curry her admiration by assisting her whenever possible in her times of greatest need. I have even aided her youngest sister, a flighty and foolish little thing, by exposing her faithless new husband as a carousing blackguard, a feckless adventurer who will surely lead the poor creature to ruin.

My own family’s equilibrium has also been greatly disturbed due to my unfettered, and quite hopeless regard for this lady. I have attracted the displeasure of my aunt, a wizened and taciturn harridan, and her daughter, a most disagreeable and unsightly creature, who baulk greatly against my attempts to pay my suit to my beloved one.

Despite all my efforts however, she remains cool of mien and is unmoved by my most earnest entreaties to become my wife. I therefore beg of you madame, offer me your most sought after advice and bring me succour in this most distressing matter.

I fear that if I do not make her mine I shall lose all hope and seek some kind of inner peace by joining my father’s regiment and will embark to foreign shores to fight, and if necessary die, for my King and country.

Without her you see madame, death holds no dominion over me and if I am to be slain in battle, then let it be known that her precious name will be the last words on my lips.

I Am Madame Your Most Humble Servant

Mr Darcy

Lakeview Towers

Hertfordshire

 

My Dear Mr Darcy

Have you tried swimming across a lake fully-clothed before advancing towards this lady with your nob hanging out?

Your Servant Sir

Jane Austin-Morris (Miss)

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