Monthly Archives: December 2013

Dorking To Be Twinned With Mogadishu.

Work gets under way to give Dorking that “Mogadishu look” last night.

There was tremendous excitement in the small rural backwater of Dorking in Surrey last night as plans were unveiled to twin the town with war- torn Mogadishu, the capital of Somalia and notorious home of murderous pirates and various warring tribal factions.

The Deputy Mayoress, Mrs Dolores Hunt, 56, made the announcement at a packed meeting of the town council on Tuesday evening.

“This is a real red letter day in the history of our town” she said “For a small and sleepy little place like ours to be twinned with the capital of a war ravaged failed state is a real coup and a tremendous honour. Not only will it put Dorking very much on the map, it will also help boost the town hall coffers with much needed revenue derived from shared booty from kidnappings, and of course plunder from piracy on the high seas, for which are good friends in Mogadishu are so rightly feted..

“We’re also hoping to arrange a number of student exchanges so that our youngsters can see first- hand how people from other cultures routinely murder and mutilate each other in the cause of ethnic and religious diversity. In return we’re asking the townspeople to open their doors and take in a small number of drug addled, psychotic and fully armed young Somali gangsters with a view to teaching them a few rudimentary lessons in hosting quiet bridge evenings and how to organise a summer fete.

“As a bit of light hearted fun, and to make our guests feel at home, we’re planning to launch a dawn raid on our neighbours in Guildford, during which we hope to slaughter a number of the townspeople, abduct their children and force them to become child soldiers before storming the local radio station.

“I have of course been in close touch with a number of the various warlords that roam the area, who have very kindly offered to give both myself and my husband, along with our two children, an extensive tour of the city. To this end we have chartered a small boat, and will hopefully be cruising aimlessly around the Indian Ocean with no sea charts or compass by the end of the month. Our hosts have assured us this will guarantee us a warm and joyous welcome from the locals.

“As a further mark of our friendship, and to make our honoured guests feel completely at home, the council have agreed to tear down a number of buildings in the town centre. To add an extra touch of authenticity, our French cousins from across the Channel have kindly agreed to supply us with a number of slavering, rabid dogs to roam through the rubble during our guests’ stay.”

Mrs Hunt was then winched aboard a bullet riddled, Blackhawk helicopter by US Marines, which was then brought down by friendly fire as a number of delighted townspeople discharged AK47 assault rifles and fired shoulder launched ground to air missiles into the air.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Classics #23,512

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s mum pictured calling him in for his tea in 1890.

This week: The Sign Of Four conveyed using a faulty, ship-to-ship, Aldis Lamp.

Chapter One.

Flash Blank Flash Flash Blank Wink Blank “This really is a most singular case Watson” Flash Blank Wink Flash Blank Winkety.

Chapter Two

Flash Blank Wink Blank Winkety Blank “Good Lord Holmes, these footprints bear all the indications of having been made by a small child!” Flash Wink Blank Flash!

Chapter Three

Wink Flash Blank Wink Clickety “The games afoot Watson. I believe we’ve flushed out our quarry old friend” Blank Wink Flash Blank Flash.

Chapter Four

Wink Blank Flash Blank Click Flash Flash… BLAM!!! “Capital shooting Watson! I do believe you’ve got the stunted little fiend!  That dart almost put paid to me!”  Flash Flash Blank Clickety Blank.

Chapter Five

Blank Flash Click Blankety Flash “Now look here Small. I have every sympathy with your plight but we can’t have Amazonian tribesmen firing poisoned darts all over South London. Take him away Inspector” Flash Blank Flash Click Blank.

Final Chapter

Wink Flash Blank Flash Flash “Ah there you are Mrs Hudson! Would you be so good as to fetch me some tea and a plug of opium my good wom… Fizzz Splutter Fizzzzzzz POP!

“Bugger!”

Next week: The Song Of Hiawatha in Braille.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Jane Austin-Morris: No-Nonsense 18th Century Agony Aunt

My Dearest Jane

Please help me I implore you,  for I find myself in the most frightful state these past months and just don’t know what to do for the best.

Last July I met a gentleman at a ball being held by his cruel guardian and now find myself regarding him with the  deepest affection despite my finest instincts and the advice of my dearest Mama and Papa.

The gentleman is extremely high born you see and I fear that my station is too far beneath his own for there to be anything other than a cool and distant regard for one another which at times may even border on dislike.

I have tried all in my power to portray my affection for him these past months. I have visited him at his sumptuous residence where I played a duet on the pianoforte accompanied by his pretty, yet frail sister. I have ventured into the countryside alone, unsuitably dressed for the clime in just a flimsy, white cotton dress, knowing that he’d be out riding at that hour and hoping against all hope that I’d get the chance to stumble into his path and be knocked headlong into some shrubbery so that he might leap from his mount and minister to me tenderly.

I have even spread a most spurious rumour in the village that I am to marry the curate, a most disagreeable and obsequious wretch whom I despise and whom I will eventually palm off on one of my more desperate sisters.

I do all this in the vain hope that jealousy may cause the scales of apathy to fall from his eyes and that he will finally realise that he loves me more than life itself.

And yet, despite my most ardent efforts, his mien remains distant and aloof. He spurns me at every turn and wont even glance in my direction when I stand beside the lake, waiting for him to finish his afternoon swim with all his clothes on.

I beg you most fervently to help me my dearest Jane. My passion for this gentleman is so ardent that I fear that without gaining his affections I may just fade and die.

Chastity Wuthering

The Vapours

Wapping.

 

 

Dear Chastity

Have you tried getting your tits out in front of him in the woods?

Your most affectionate friend

Jane

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Government Announce Plans To Booby Trap Cigarette Packets

Mr Blythe giving his full support to the new proposal last night.

Plans to fit booby traps to packets of 20 cigarettes were announced today in the House Of Commons by the Health Secretary, who believes this latest drive to woo smokers away from the weed will save the NHS millions within months of implementation.

Under the new proposal tobacco companies will be required by law to rig each packet with a powerful boxing glove on a spring which will be triggered as soon as the smoker raises the lid. They will then be punched in the face with considerable force as a recorded message shouts the warning “Oi smoker! NO!”

Trials have already been carried out in parts of London and the initial reports seem to be encouraging.

Jim Blythe,37, a furniture porter from Spitalfields and a 60 a day smoker, was one of those who underwent the trial and reported a dramatic fall in his habit.

“It’s been absolutely amazing” he told reporters “I’ve gone from 60 odd gaspers a day down to 5 or 6 and it’s all down to these new packets. I mean to say once you’ve been knocked unconscious by a boxing glove on a spring the craving simply disappears.. Then of course there’s all the time you spend in the non-smoking environment of a hospital having stitches put in your face or undergoing brain scans. No I’m all for it to be honest and the sooner all of Britain’s smokers are lying stretched out in the street suffering from concussion the better as far as I’m concerned”.

A Department Of Health spokesperson said last night. “Of course it’s very early days yet but if the results of this initiative are encouraging we intend to press on and implement another plan which will see smokers confronted outside shops and supermarkets by specially trained government heavies who will attack them with axes”

The proposal comes just days after the opposition outlined plans to have drinkers shot by army snipers as they come out of the pub or off licence.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Urugyuan Government Forget To Legalise Marijuana.

Mr Gomez, pictured leaving his office last night.

There was widespread concern throughout the South American country of Uruguay last night after it was revealed that the proposed move to legalise the sale and distribution of Marijuana had fallen through when ministers forgot to introduce the bill into parliament.

The Minister For The Interior, Juan Ignacio Gomez, spoke to reporters from outside his offices in Montevideo last night.

“Hahahahaha heeheehee HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Damn this is really good shit man! Hahahahahahaaaaaaa! Have any of you guys got any Cheesy Puffs? You know what? I really love you guys! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Why is everybody staring at me? Are you guys like zombies or something?”

This development comes just weeks after the Bolivian government failed to deliver the proposed legislation to legalise heroin when the entire cabinet were found dead in the toilet.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Dorking To Be Awarded 2020 Olympics For The Elderly

The reigning Miss Dorking showing her delight at the news last night.

There was jubilation in the small town of Dorking in Surrey last night, when it was announced that they will be hosting the 204th Pensioner’s Olympiad in July 2020.

The sleepy backwater with an average age of 87, beat off stiff competition from a host of strong contenders worldwide, including Miami Florida, Brisbane Australia, a small village in The Himalayas which boasts an unlikely average age of 103 and Bournemouth which claims to sell more Phylosan tablets per capita than any other place on earth.

The picturesque town, set in Surrey’s exclusive stockbroker belt, now has to gear itself up to host over a million unsteady visitors with impaired vision, failing memories and bladder control issues, with building costs on public lavatories alone expected to exceed a billion pounds.

Some of the events being staged in and around the proposed new Derby And Joan Arena are expected to include the 10000m Wandering Off Aimlessly, The Throwing The Commode Cover, The 4 x 100m Having A Bit Of A Fall, and the gruelling Iron Grunter Triathlon where over 200 of the world’s most finely tuned coffin dodgers will compete cheek by jowl in 3 taxing disciplines during which they will be required to talk about the war for over 3 hours before leaping onto mobility scooters to nip down to the corner shop for a nice bit of brisket. Finally they will need to put in a last, punishing, lung bursting effort as they have to hold everybody up in the queue for the supermarket checkout by handing over dozens of money off vouchers before laboriously counting out small change in an effort to “get rid of me coppers”. It will then culminate with the contestants asking the checkout girl if they’ll be getting in any of “that nice Tuna And Onion KitEKat next week”

A spokesperson for the IAAF, The Infirm and Arthritic Athletes Federation, congratulated Dorking on their achievement in winning the games but then went on to place great emphasis on fair play and the importance of the Corinthian spirit.

“Strict guidelines will be in place to ensure that each event is contested on a level playing field and any erroneous practices will be dealt with swiftly, ruthlessly and in total keeping with the Olympic ideal”.

This was clearly a reference to the ill- fated games of 1999 when 78 year old Bert Gideon, the gold medallist and world record holder in the 100m allotment weeding final, tested positive for Wincarnis Tonic Wine. His shame was further compounded when he was found to be wearing outlawed galoshes which had been treated with a silicone coating, enabling him to cut through the air faster as he sprayed the bind weed on his early Jersey Royals.

The 1500m wheeelchair race, the blue riband event of the games, was also badly tarnished when Klaus Himmler, the German winner of the event, was discovered to have driven the entire race in a forbidden, and extremely dangerous, spiked wheelchair, causing several of his opponents to career from the track after having their spokes badly mangled in tight corners.

As the crowds gathered in the streets shortly after the announcement was made and the smell of stale wee and cat food filled the air, the jubilant Team GB captain, Vera L’Aimant, 97, addressed the cheering throng in ringing tones.
“This is a proud moment for the elderly and the feeble-minded, not just of Dorking, but of the whole of Great Britain!………I SAY THE WHOLE OF GREAT BRITAIN DEAR!”

She then paused momentarily to rummage in her shopping bag for her “readers” as she’d been wearing the glasses she uses to watch television, before continuing.

“If my Alf could only have lived to see this day how proud e’d have been. Mind you it was a blessing in the end when ‘e went Gawd love ‘im.  I mean when you gets to ‘is age and you can’t even pass a duty without being in pain I thinks it’s time to pass on I really do. I mean to say, you used to be able to set yer watch by his duties at one time. I SAY SET YER WATCH BY ‘EM YOU COULD”

Mrs L’Aimant then wandered off, muttering about “Getting ‘ome before all the blacks starts coming out and getting up to gawd knows what”

The Games will be held from 17th July 2020 and will be halted from time to time for the athletes to nip home to feed the cat and put a nice saucepan of stew on the stove.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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My Bastard Cat: His Part In My Resurgence As A Popular Human Being.

Image

My bastard cat pictured attracting Facebook “likes” and “shares” last night.

Let me begin this heart-warming tale thus my friends:

Yesterday I posted a link on Facebook announcing the publication of the bumper Xmas issue of Soz Satire magazine (A Boon To The Doubly Incontinent), inviting those near and dear to me to share said link on their timelines.

This heartfelt crie de coeur was met with a kind of sullen, embarrassed silence. I could almost hear the awkward shuffling of shoes and see the downcast eyes, as people shrank away from this odious task as if I’d asked them to undertake some kind of deeply unpleasant labour, like cleaning the lavatory bowl using only their tongues, or attending a Justin Bieber concert.

In short my friends, at close of play last night I’d achieved the grand total of two shares and these were by two of the poor, wretched bods who actually write for the damn thing.

Then inspiration came in a most unusual way. I noticed that a number of people had posted photographic evidence that they owned a pet of some description.  Each of these publications was greeted by such an outpouring of love and tenderness you’d think they’d just found a way to resurrect Nelson Mandela or to murder Simon Cowell in his bed.

So with this in mind I decided to add a small thumbnail of my bastard cat to the aforementioned plea for publicity.

The result my good friends was nothing short of astonishing. Within minutes I was buried beneath a veritable avalanche of likes, shares, hugs, kisses and even, in one particularly OTT case, a marriage proposal.

Here below are just a few of the responses I received following the entrance to the fray of my bastard cat:

“Awwwwwwww babezzzzzz! Wot a wuffly ickle snugglebum! I want to wuff and kiss your bastard cat! – Paul Hinds

“Ur preshus ickle bastard cat is so bootyful that I want to cuggle and snuggle him in my beddy byes” – Steve Danton

“I was going to sue for divorce in the morning but your bastard cat has made me have a complete rethink on this one. What a wuffly ickle snugglykins! Have you put that fucking rubbish out? – Gill Danton

“UR WUFFLY LITLE BARSTARD KAT IS SEW BOOTYFUL! ‘E LOOKS LIKE A PRESHUS ANGLE, SENT DARN FROM ‘EAVEN TWO SAYVE US AWL FRUM SIN. MAY GAWD LUV AND PROTECK UR BASTARD KAT! (((((((HUGZZZZZZ)))))))) – Julie Milbery PhD, MD FRCS.

So there you have it my good and dear friends. If you need to get your stuff “out there” simply accompany your post with a pic of a domestic pet. It doesn’t have to be a bastard cat. I should imagine a poxy tortoise or even a f***ing hedgehog would work just as well.

Good luck!

Here’s a link to the mag. Inside you will find risible examples of satirical humour, including spoof personal columns, phoney ads, heartless attacks on the great and the good, and a picture of a wuffly ickle wabbit with a bootyful lickle pawzzzz and a weally, weally snuggly bum bum. http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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