Monthly Archives: December 2013

Government Announce Plans To Booby Trap Cigarette Packets

Mr Blythe giving his full support to the new proposal last night.

Plans to fit booby traps to packets of 20 cigarettes were announced today in the House Of Commons by the Health Secretary, who believes this latest drive to woo smokers away from the weed will save the NHS millions within months of implementation.

Under the new proposal tobacco companies will be required by law to rig each packet with a powerful boxing glove on a spring which will be triggered as soon as the smoker raises the lid. They will then be punched in the face with considerable force as a recorded message shouts the warning “Oi smoker! NO!”

Trials have already been carried out in parts of London and the initial reports seem to be encouraging.

Jim Blythe,37, a furniture porter from Spitalfields and a 60 a day smoker, was one of those who underwent the trial and reported a dramatic fall in his habit.

“It’s been absolutely amazing” he told reporters “I’ve gone from 60 odd gaspers a day down to 5 or 6 and it’s all down to these new packets. I mean to say once you’ve been knocked unconscious by a boxing glove on a spring the craving simply disappears.. Then of course there’s all the time you spend in the non-smoking environment of a hospital having stitches put in your face or undergoing brain scans. No I’m all for it to be honest and the sooner all of Britain’s smokers are lying stretched out in the street suffering from concussion the better as far as I’m concerned”.

A Department Of Health spokesperson said last night. “Of course it’s very early days yet but if the results of this initiative are encouraging we intend to press on and implement another plan which will see smokers confronted outside shops and supermarkets by specially trained government heavies who will attack them with axes”

The proposal comes just days after the opposition outlined plans to have drinkers shot by army snipers as they come out of the pub or off licence.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Urugyuan Government Forget To Legalise Marijuana.

Mr Gomez, pictured leaving his office last night.

There was widespread concern throughout the South American country of Uruguay last night after it was revealed that the proposed move to legalise the sale and distribution of Marijuana had fallen through when ministers forgot to introduce the bill into parliament.

The Minister For The Interior, Juan Ignacio Gomez, spoke to reporters from outside his offices in Montevideo last night.

“Hahahahaha heeheehee HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Damn this is really good shit man! Hahahahahahaaaaaaa! Have any of you guys got any Cheesy Puffs? You know what? I really love you guys! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Why is everybody staring at me? Are you guys like zombies or something?”

This development comes just weeks after the Bolivian government failed to deliver the proposed legislation to legalise heroin when the entire cabinet were found dead in the toilet.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Dorking To Be Awarded 2020 Olympics For The Elderly

The reigning Miss Dorking showing her delight at the news last night.

There was jubilation in the small town of Dorking in Surrey last night, when it was announced that they will be hosting the 204th Pensioner’s Olympiad in July 2020.

The sleepy backwater with an average age of 87, beat off stiff competition from a host of strong contenders worldwide, including Miami Florida, Brisbane Australia, a small village in The Himalayas which boasts an unlikely average age of 103 and Bournemouth which claims to sell more Phylosan tablets per capita than any other place on earth.

The picturesque town, set in Surrey’s exclusive stockbroker belt, now has to gear itself up to host over a million unsteady visitors with impaired vision, failing memories and bladder control issues, with building costs on public lavatories alone expected to exceed a billion pounds.

Some of the events being staged in and around the proposed new Derby And Joan Arena are expected to include the 10000m Wandering Off Aimlessly, The Throwing The Commode Cover, The 4 x 100m Having A Bit Of A Fall, and the gruelling Iron Grunter Triathlon where over 200 of the world’s most finely tuned coffin dodgers will compete cheek by jowl in 3 taxing disciplines during which they will be required to talk about the war for over 3 hours before leaping onto mobility scooters to nip down to the corner shop for a nice bit of brisket. Finally they will need to put in a last, punishing, lung bursting effort as they have to hold everybody up in the queue for the supermarket checkout by handing over dozens of money off vouchers before laboriously counting out small change in an effort to “get rid of me coppers”. It will then culminate with the contestants asking the checkout girl if they’ll be getting in any of “that nice Tuna And Onion KitEKat next week”

A spokesperson for the IAAF, The Infirm and Arthritic Athletes Federation, congratulated Dorking on their achievement in winning the games but then went on to place great emphasis on fair play and the importance of the Corinthian spirit.

“Strict guidelines will be in place to ensure that each event is contested on a level playing field and any erroneous practices will be dealt with swiftly, ruthlessly and in total keeping with the Olympic ideal”.

This was clearly a reference to the ill- fated games of 1999 when 78 year old Bert Gideon, the gold medallist and world record holder in the 100m allotment weeding final, tested positive for Wincarnis Tonic Wine. His shame was further compounded when he was found to be wearing outlawed galoshes which had been treated with a silicone coating, enabling him to cut through the air faster as he sprayed the bind weed on his early Jersey Royals.

The 1500m wheeelchair race, the blue riband event of the games, was also badly tarnished when Klaus Himmler, the German winner of the event, was discovered to have driven the entire race in a forbidden, and extremely dangerous, spiked wheelchair, causing several of his opponents to career from the track after having their spokes badly mangled in tight corners.

As the crowds gathered in the streets shortly after the announcement was made and the smell of stale wee and cat food filled the air, the jubilant Team GB captain, Vera L’Aimant, 97, addressed the cheering throng in ringing tones.
“This is a proud moment for the elderly and the feeble-minded, not just of Dorking, but of the whole of Great Britain!………I SAY THE WHOLE OF GREAT BRITAIN DEAR!”

She then paused momentarily to rummage in her shopping bag for her “readers” as she’d been wearing the glasses she uses to watch television, before continuing.

“If my Alf could only have lived to see this day how proud e’d have been. Mind you it was a blessing in the end when ‘e went Gawd love ‘im.  I mean when you gets to ‘is age and you can’t even pass a duty without being in pain I thinks it’s time to pass on I really do. I mean to say, you used to be able to set yer watch by his duties at one time. I SAY SET YER WATCH BY ‘EM YOU COULD”

Mrs L’Aimant then wandered off, muttering about “Getting ‘ome before all the blacks starts coming out and getting up to gawd knows what”

The Games will be held from 17th July 2020 and will be halted from time to time for the athletes to nip home to feed the cat and put a nice saucepan of stew on the stove.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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My Bastard Cat: His Part In My Resurgence As A Popular Human Being.

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My bastard cat pictured attracting Facebook “likes” and “shares” last night.

Let me begin this heart-warming tale thus my friends:

Yesterday I posted a link on Facebook announcing the publication of the bumper Xmas issue of Soz Satire magazine (A Boon To The Doubly Incontinent), inviting those near and dear to me to share said link on their timelines.

This heartfelt crie de coeur was met with a kind of sullen, embarrassed silence. I could almost hear the awkward shuffling of shoes and see the downcast eyes, as people shrank away from this odious task as if I’d asked them to undertake some kind of deeply unpleasant labour, like cleaning the lavatory bowl using only their tongues, or attending a Justin Bieber concert.

In short my friends, at close of play last night I’d achieved the grand total of two shares and these were by two of the poor, wretched bods who actually write for the damn thing.

Then inspiration came in a most unusual way. I noticed that a number of people had posted photographic evidence that they owned a pet of some description.  Each of these publications was greeted by such an outpouring of love and tenderness you’d think they’d just found a way to resurrect Nelson Mandela or to murder Simon Cowell in his bed.

So with this in mind I decided to add a small thumbnail of my bastard cat to the aforementioned plea for publicity.

The result my good friends was nothing short of astonishing. Within minutes I was buried beneath a veritable avalanche of likes, shares, hugs, kisses and even, in one particularly OTT case, a marriage proposal.

Here below are just a few of the responses I received following the entrance to the fray of my bastard cat:

“Awwwwwwww babezzzzzz! Wot a wuffly ickle snugglebum! I want to wuff and kiss your bastard cat! – Paul Hinds

“Ur preshus ickle bastard cat is so bootyful that I want to cuggle and snuggle him in my beddy byes” – Steve Danton

“I was going to sue for divorce in the morning but your bastard cat has made me have a complete rethink on this one. What a wuffly ickle snugglykins! Have you put that fucking rubbish out? – Gill Danton

“UR WUFFLY LITLE BARSTARD KAT IS SEW BOOTYFUL! ‘E LOOKS LIKE A PRESHUS ANGLE, SENT DARN FROM ‘EAVEN TWO SAYVE US AWL FRUM SIN. MAY GAWD LUV AND PROTECK UR BASTARD KAT! (((((((HUGZZZZZZ)))))))) – Julie Milbery PhD, MD FRCS.

So there you have it my good and dear friends. If you need to get your stuff “out there” simply accompany your post with a pic of a domestic pet. It doesn’t have to be a bastard cat. I should imagine a poxy tortoise or even a f***ing hedgehog would work just as well.

Good luck!

Here’s a link to the mag. Inside you will find risible examples of satirical humour, including spoof personal columns, phoney ads, heartless attacks on the great and the good, and a picture of a wuffly ickle wabbit with a bootyful lickle pawzzzz and a weally, weally snuggly bum bum. http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Bumper Xmas Issue Of Satirical Magazine Blamed For Sharp Rise In Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Soz Satire magazine complete with a mysterious rash, pictured infecting millions last night.

The British Medical Association are claiming that the recent alarming rise in sexually transmitted diseases across the country is entirely due to the launch of the bumper Xmas edition of Soz Satire magazine which came out last night.

A spokesperson for the genito-urinary clinic at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, East London, told us.

“We used to be able to take it easy at work until Soz launched their bumper Xmas edition, now we’re going at it like  one-armed paper hangers. I’ve not even had a chance to take the old woman Christmas shopping and it’s all down to those bastards!”

We spoke to a random selection of sufferers last night and we print their testimonials below

“I’d never had an STD in my life until the new Soz came out and now I’m absolutely riddled with Chlamydia” – The Arsebishop Of Camdenbury

“I read the bumper Xmas edition in bed with my wife and we both instantly contracted syphilis” – Clare Balding

“I haven’t read it yet so I’m absolutely fine thus far. I do have a great big face though” – Olly Murs

“Holy Gonorrhoea Batman! I’ve got a dose of the clap like you wouldn’t believe! It has to be down to those arch fiends at Soz Satire!” – Robin

“Steady old chum. You’ll upset Chief O Hara’s good lady wife who went down with a bad case of genital warts and thrush in the post office” – Batman

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Embarassing itching. Them hurt Hulk!” – The Incredible Hulk.

We contacted the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Clive Danton, 21, last night who told us.

“I’ve never heard such a load of old toot in my life! I’ve slept with at least 20 low class hookers in the last 5 days and I haven’t so much as experienced a slight reddening of my penis. Apart from a deep burning sensation in my urethra when I pass water I’m as right as ninepence. This is purely scare-mongering tactics from the lads at Private Eye and The Onion who are shit scared we’re going to nick all their advertising. Now sod off!”

Soz Satire’s bumper Xmas edition is now available on all half decent PCs and lappies and comes with a full endorsement from The Somali Home Doctor magazine and a weeks supply of powerful antibiotics.

Oh and and here’s the link http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire Might be an idea to stick a rubber johnny on before entering though, and that goes for you too ladies. Please practice safe reading.

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And Now, The Shipping Forecast In Australian

A fair dinkum person allowing himself to be used as a cruel stereotype last night

Strewth! Stone the bloody crows mate! There’s going to be shipping all over the bloody show today, mostly Pommie bastard shipping too I shouldn’t wonder. Therefore the best thing to do is to stay on terra bloody firma mates. Just get your sheila to throw a few shrimps and a roo steak on the barbie and open a few frosties for ya. Then after 40 winks in the bloody hammock it’ll probably be time to go down the pub and beat up a few Abbos. Bonza!

Rolf Harris is innocent by the way. I mean fair bloody go!!

MARLEEN! GET DARLEEN TO ASK OUR SHARLEEN TO BRING ME A FEW MORE TINNIES, I’M AS DRY AS A BLOODY POM’S TOWEL HERE MATE!

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Ask Spunky Woods: “Masturbation Guru To The Stars” Estb 1888.

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Dear Spunky

My problem is a rather unusual, and some might even say, perverse one, so I’m asking you as a masturbation guru to the stars to help me through what has become a very difficult phase in my life.

The thing is Spunky, I have become besotted with John Tracy out of Thunderbird 5 and find myself constantly fantasising about being stranded up in space with him so that I can kiss his sweet lips and make him mine.

Just the thought of helping him beam distress calls back to Tracy Island results in me becoming fully tumescent, and often leads to self abuse and shame.

Things became particularly stressful a few years back when Thunderbirds enjoyed a resurgence in popularity, with models becoming extremely popular with kids at Christmas time. I would find myself constantly sneaking into toy shops and disgracing myself over the display counter if Thunderbird 5 was among the items inside.

My marriage too has suffered, with my wife constantly complaining when I ask her to dress up as John and to move around the bedroom in a jerky manner, talking urgently into a headset about a stricken airliner that’s trying to land with a faulty undercarriage or things of that nature

Please help me Spunky. I’m at my wits end and just dont know where to turn.

Yours faithfully

Derek Chambers

London

Dear Derek

As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation counsellor to the stars of over 25 years standing, I have dealt with countless problems identical to your own and my answer is always the same on this one my friend.

Firstly you have to understand that John out of Thunderbird 5 is a very attractive man, which is partly why Mr Tracy sent him to live in space, his logic being that if he were to remain on earth, piloting one of the other Thunderbirds, his brothers wouldn’t be able to concentrate on their missions due to his allure and would be constantly masturbating over pictures of him in their bedrooms.

So with that in mind there is only one course open to you I’m afraid Derek. You have to gradually wean yourself away from Thunderbirds altogether. Try watching Space Patrol which was very popular in the 60s. All the puppets are extremely unattractive, particularly Captain Dart with his unkempt beard and awkward rolling gait.

Failing that give Stingray a try. It’s got that Troy Tempest in it and he’s absolutely minging. Unlike Marina, that mermaid puppet who’s an absolute peach and well worth a cheeky hand shandy when the wife’s gone to visit her mum on a Saturday afternoon.

It’s not quite so gay either.

I hope this helps in some way Derek and if you have any more problems of a spadge-related nature don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

Yours etc

Spunky x

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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A Brief Closing Of My Mouth

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To mourn the passing of a warrior and a true lion amongst men whose sweet light has been gently extinguished. I feel privileged and humbled to have shared a few steps with him on his long walk to freedom. While others stumbled he never once faltered or broke his stride.

Obama said last night “He no longer belongs to us. He belongs to the angels now”

When he arrives they need to stand the fuck up and applaud!

Rest now my brother…Rest now

x

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London Man Caged For Shouting At Burglar

Jimmy “The Cat” pictured leaving court yesterday.

A London man was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday after being found guilty of shouting loudly at a burglar who had broken into his home in the early hours of the morning in June 2013.

Peter Groves, 55, a postman from Poplar East London with no previous convictions, wept in the dock as the sentence was handed down by Mr Justice Mockery, who recommended that he should serve the full life term with no prospect of parole.

In his address to the court Justice Mockery stated. “Society in general, and the criminal fraternity in particular, deserves a long rest from your activities. You are quite clearly a ruthless and callous man who is prepared to go to any lengths to inflict suffering and distress on anyone you perceive as a threat to your property or wife and children”.

The court heard that Mr Groves had been woken by a noise at his terraced council home on a notoriously quiet East London estate, and after arming himself with a rolled up copy of The East London Gazette, had gone downstairs to investigate where he saw James “Jimmy The Cat” Biggs, 34, a convicted house breaker with over 200 previous convictions for petty theft and assault, rifling through his sideboard.

Groves then called out in a loud agitated voice “Oi what do you think you’re doing? Get out!” whereupon Biggs pistol whipped Groves to the ground, fracturing his skull, before making his escape through a window that he’d smashed to gain entry.

He was later found drinking heavily in a nearby public house by police officers who topped up his pint and gave him a packet of 20 Senior Service.

The arresting officer, PC Gonemad, 27, stated in court  “Mr Biggs was in an absolutely shocking condition when I spotted him in the public bar of The Bunch Of Grapes public house in Stepney. He looked visibly drunk and was very unsteady on his feet. Clearly the trauma of being shouted at by Groves that night had taken a terrible toll on him. Myself and fellow officer WPC Philbert bought him a fresh pint and gave him a pack of 20 cigarettes to steady his nerves whereupon he broke down and told us of the terrible events of that evening.

We immediately called for backup, and along with a number of officers in full riot gear, we smashed our way into Groves’ house where we found him quite blatantly lying unconscious on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood with a gaping head wound. He looked as if he didn’t have a care in the world. It was chilling to witness to be perfectly honest”.

Groves’ wife and children were in hiding at a secret address last night to avoid being targeted by furious local vigilante groups.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Mother Blames Women’s Sanitary Products Ads After Teen Daughter Collapses And Dies

 

A woman on her menstrual cycle pictured last night.

The mother of a teenage girl who collapsed and died during her menstrual cycle last week, broke down in front of reporters earlier today before hitting out at media advertising campaigns that encourage women to take part in various sporting activities while having their period..

Mrs Gwen Cummings, 37, of Poplar East London, whose 17 year old daughter, Rosie, collapsed whilst playing tennis in a pair of dazzlingly white shorts, believes that ads which portray women participating in a variety of sports and strenuous outdoor activities during their menstrual cycle, are misleading and a bad influence on impressionable youngsters.

Speaking from her home last night Mrs Cummings said.

“Rosie was always a quiet and studious child, who much preferred being indoors curled up with a book, or chatting to her friends on Facebook, to taking part in vigorous outdoor sports. But as soon as she began her period, her whole demeanour would change and almost immediately she’d put on blindingly white clothing before going off rock climbing, abseiling, roller blading and so on.

“She would even wait for a really windy day before going out for a game of tennis in a tiny skirt with a pair of white pants on, so that people could see how confident she was.

“In my day we’d just stay in for a few days during our time of the month, helping our mums with the housework, or we’d sit up in our bedrooms reading books with a face like thunder. These companies have got a lot to answer for if you ask me”

We spoke to the CEO of one of Britain’s foremost, feminine hygiene product makers, Carefree Girl Ltd, Mrs Julie Dentworth, who told us.

“Of course we’re deeply sorry to learn of this terrible tragedy and our thoughts are with Rosie’s family at this distressing time, however we totally refute any allegations that we’re harming youngsters by encouraging them to pursue an active lifestyle during their menstrual cycle, in fact I’m in the middle of a particularly heavy period myself at the moment and cant wait to begin scaling a rockface wearing a pair of skin-tight white trousers”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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