The reigning Miss Dorking showing her delight at the news last night.
There was jubilation in the small town of Dorking in Surrey last night, when it was announced that they will be hosting the 204th Pensioner’s Olympiad in July 2020.
The sleepy backwater with an average age of 87, beat off stiff competition from a host of strong contenders worldwide, including Miami Florida, Brisbane Australia, a small village in The Himalayas which boasts an unlikely average age of 103 and Bournemouth which claims to sell more Phylosan tablets per capita than any other place on earth.
The picturesque town, set in Surrey’s exclusive stockbroker belt, now has to gear itself up to host over a million unsteady visitors with impaired vision, failing memories and bladder control issues, with building costs on public lavatories alone expected to exceed a billion pounds.
Some of the events being staged in and around the proposed new Derby And Joan Arena are expected to include the 10000m Wandering Off Aimlessly, The Throwing The Commode Cover, The 4 x 100m Having A Bit Of A Fall, and the gruelling Iron Grunter Triathlon where over 200 of the world’s most finely tuned coffin dodgers will compete cheek by jowl in 3 taxing disciplines during which they will be required to talk about the war for over 3 hours before leaping onto mobility scooters to nip down to the corner shop for a nice bit of brisket. Finally they will need to put in a last, punishing, lung bursting effort as they have to hold everybody up in the queue for the supermarket checkout by handing over dozens of money off vouchers before laboriously counting out small change in an effort to “get rid of me coppers”. It will then culminate with the contestants asking the checkout girl if they’ll be getting in any of “that nice Tuna And Onion KitEKat next week”
A spokesperson for the IAAF, The Infirm and Arthritic Athletes Federation, congratulated Dorking on their achievement in winning the games but then went on to place great emphasis on fair play and the importance of the Corinthian spirit.
“Strict guidelines will be in place to ensure that each event is contested on a level playing field and any erroneous practices will be dealt with swiftly, ruthlessly and in total keeping with the Olympic ideal”.
This was clearly a reference to the ill- fated games of 1999 when 78 year old Bert Gideon, the gold medallist and world record holder in the 100m allotment weeding final, tested positive for Wincarnis Tonic Wine. His shame was further compounded when he was found to be wearing outlawed galoshes which had been treated with a silicone coating, enabling him to cut through the air faster as he sprayed the bind weed on his early Jersey Royals.
The 1500m wheeelchair race, the blue riband event of the games, was also badly tarnished when Klaus Himmler, the German winner of the event, was discovered to have driven the entire race in a forbidden, and extremely dangerous, spiked wheelchair, causing several of his opponents to career from the track after having their spokes badly mangled in tight corners.
As the crowds gathered in the streets shortly after the announcement was made and the smell of stale wee and cat food filled the air, the jubilant Team GB captain, Vera L’Aimant, 97, addressed the cheering throng in ringing tones.
“This is a proud moment for the elderly and the feeble-minded, not just of Dorking, but of the whole of Great Britain!………I SAY THE WHOLE OF GREAT BRITAIN DEAR!”
She then paused momentarily to rummage in her shopping bag for her “readers” as she’d been wearing the glasses she uses to watch television, before continuing.
“If my Alf could only have lived to see this day how proud e’d have been. Mind you it was a blessing in the end when ‘e went Gawd love ‘im. I mean when you gets to ‘is age and you can’t even pass a duty without being in pain I thinks it’s time to pass on I really do. I mean to say, you used to be able to set yer watch by his duties at one time. I SAY SET YER WATCH BY ‘EM YOU COULD”
Mrs L’Aimant then wandered off, muttering about “Getting ‘ome before all the blacks starts coming out and getting up to gawd knows what”
The Games will be held from 17th July 2020 and will be halted from time to time for the athletes to nip home to feed the cat and put a nice saucepan of stew on the stove.
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