South African Police Kill Everybody

South African Police Officers pictured helping an elderly man to cross the road last night.

News was emerging last night that following reports of unrest in the South African township of Soweto last week, further heavy handed tactics have been deployed by the security forces resulting in the death of the entire populace.

It is believed that the widespread massacre began early on Wednesday morning and was completed late Friday evening leaving just under 50 million dead and one wounded.

The lone survivor, Mr Jonas Nkoma, 29,, a flight attendant on South African Airways, looked visibly shaken as he spoke to reporters and described the carnage.

“I’d just returned from a long haul flight to Dubai and was making my way across the tarmac to the terminal building when I noticed a number of bullet riddled bodies littering the runway and the grass verges” he stated.

“At first I thought a few of the cabin crew and terminal staff had been partying the night before and were sleeping off the Mealy Meal grog before resuming their duties, but I quickly realised something wasn’t quite right when I noticed a number of them had their wrists bound behind their backs and had bullet wounds to the back of the head, whilst the women were all naked and had the burnt carcasses of car tyres around their necks.

“I immediately turned back to report my findings to the pilot and remaining crew, but when I was just a few metres from the aircraft I was shot in the back of the thigh by a sniper bullet. Seconds later a number of shoulder launched missiles struck the fuselage of the plane, destroying it completely.

” I must have lain there amongst the smouldering debris for around 5 or 6 hours before making my escape and sheltering in an airport staff, rhino whip store. It was absolutely terrible and for something like this to happen so soon after the passing of Nelson Mandela is so tragic”

A spokesperson for the South African police, Chief Inspector Dirk Van Kripps, 54, an officer for 25 years and former tooth mug wallah to the late Prime Minister Jan Christiaan Smuts, made a brief statement to the media from outside police headquarters in downtown Johannesburg last night.

“In the current climate of unrest that pervades the country at this moment in time we believed that stern action was called for so we killed everybody.

“You can’t be too careful in this day and age, and given a similar set of circumstances, I’d have absolutely no hesitation in slaughtering the entire population again in an effort to carry out my duty in protecting the public”

South African President, Jacob Zuma, and members of the government were remaining tight lipped last night after having been mown down in a hail of machine gun fire during an afternoon cabinet meeting on Thursday.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit


Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

2 responses to “South African Police Kill Everybody

  1. On behalf of the South African Police I wish to apologise for the unfotunate incident surrounding Mr Nkoma. The cruelty of his wounds is unforgivable. He was supposed to have been humanely terminated along with the other 50 million – like we did before 1994. The officer responsible for this has been taken outside and shot.

    But now seriously – thanks for a magic blog. I’m hooked.



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