Pic by Mina
Following a series of convincing wins on the speedway track, Scottish pop icon, Lulu, has revealed that she puts her recent successes down to having undergone a circumcision op performed by a neighbour from The Democratic Republic Of Congo at her home in Glasgow.
Speaking from outside the London Palladium, where she’s appearing in a series of concerts with Sir Cliff Richard, Lulu, 112, said, “I was watching a documentary on TV a couple of months ago, condemning the practice of female circumcision, which is practised fairly widely amongst the people of a number of African nations. Naturally I began to wonder whether, if I were to have my genitalia mutilated, it would enhance my career as a speedway rider which had been in the doldrums for a number of seasons. Fortunately one of my neighbours is a practitioner herself, so I popped round one evening and had my clitoris and both labia cut away with pruning sheers. The results were absolutely astonishing and I rode to victory after victory, claiming The World Championship for the first time in over 8,000 attempts. I’d have absolutely no hesitation in recommending genital mutilation to any aspiring young female rider.”
A spokesperson for her record company said. “We’re absolutely delighted to learn that Lulu has become a true speedway legend due to having her fanny chopped half off and now we can only hope that Justin Bieber will learn from this and submit to public castration without anaesthetic”
For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire