Ask Spunky Woods: “Masturbation Guru To The Stars” Estb 1888.


Dear Spunky

My problem is a rather unusual, and some might even say, perverse one, so I’m asking you as a masturbation guru to the stars to help me through what has become a very difficult phase in my life.

The thing is Spunky, I have become besotted with John Tracy out of Thunderbird 5 and find myself constantly fantasising about being stranded up in space with him so that I can kiss his sweet lips and make him mine.

Just the thought of helping him beam distress calls back to Tracy Island results in me becoming fully tumescent, and often leads to self abuse and shame.

Things became particularly stressful a few years back when Thunderbirds enjoyed a resurgence in popularity, with models becoming extremely popular with kids at Christmas time. I would find myself constantly sneaking into toy shops and disgracing myself over the display counter if Thunderbird 5 was among the items inside.

My marriage too has suffered, with my wife constantly complaining when I ask her to dress up as John and to move around the bedroom in a jerky manner, talking urgently into a headset about a stricken airliner that’s trying to land with a faulty undercarriage or things of that nature

Please help me Spunky. I’m at my wits end and just dont know where to turn.

Yours faithfully

Derek Chambers


Dear Derek

As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation counsellor to the stars of over 25 years standing, I have dealt with countless problems identical to your own and my answer is always the same on this one my friend.

Firstly you have to understand that John out of Thunderbird 5 is a very attractive man, which is partly why Mr Tracy sent him to live in space, his logic being that if he were to remain on earth, piloting one of the other Thunderbirds, his brothers wouldn’t be able to concentrate on their missions due to his allure and would be constantly masturbating over pictures of him in their bedrooms.

So with that in mind there is only one course open to you I’m afraid Derek. You have to gradually wean yourself away from Thunderbirds altogether. Try watching Space Patrol which was very popular in the 60s. All the puppets are extremely unattractive, particularly Captain Dart with his unkempt beard and awkward rolling gait.

Failing that give Stingray a try. It’s got that Troy Tempest in it and he’s absolutely minging. Unlike Marina, that mermaid puppet who’s an absolute peach and well worth a cheeky hand shandy when the wife’s gone to visit her mum on a Saturday afternoon.

It’s not quite so gay either.

I hope this helps in some way Derek and if you have any more problems of a spadge-related nature don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

Yours etc

Spunky x

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit



Filed under Humor, Humour, Personal, Satire, Spoof

6 responses to “Ask Spunky Woods: “Masturbation Guru To The Stars” Estb 1888.

  1. I remember so well my father’s obsession with the Andrews sisters. He would nick my two ton transistor radio and take it with him to the outside loo and stay there for hours on end. The came the Beverley Sisters and he was lost to us forever! As usual an excellent piece of writing.


    • Cheers old horse! Spunky is a very dear friend of mine who has caused both delight and consternation wherever he may roam hehe.

      My dad never had a thing for girl singers. He once went roaring up The Dagenham Girl Pipers during his tea break mind you. He died aged 23 😦


  2. Ah, so THAT’S why they send him into space. It all makes sense now…I used to fancy Lady Penelope and I turned out gay…you think that’s related too somehow?



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