Monthly Archives: November 2013

Jade Goodie’s Father Was A Manatee Claims Sir David Attenborough

TV naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, has made the startling claim that deceased Big Brother winner, Jade Goodie’s, father was a Manatee that once swam in the warm brackish waters of one of the Caribbean Islands.

Speaking to the National Geographic Society, Attenborough, 136, said “Having exhumed Jade Goodie’s body, and carried out a number of exhaustive scientific tests, I am now wholly convinced that her father was a Manatee or “Sea Cow” and that, in all probability, he once inhabited  a small inlet or river, probably in one of the Leeward Islands of The Caribbean

“The similarities are irrefutable when you really look at it, with the large, relatively shapeless body, the astoundingly low intelligence and the permanently gormless expression.

I took a DNA sample from a dead one that I found washed up on the beach, during my last expedition studying marine life off the coast of Antigua, and found it to be a perfect match with that of Ms Goodie”

A spokesperson for The Jade Goodie Foundation, a charity set up in memory of the dead irritant, said last night

” Don’t you talk abart ‘er like wot you just talked! Jade woz a bootyful angle and there’s just no way ‘er dad was a creature out of the sea and that! If David Attenborough keeps saying that, I’m going up the council”

These revelations follow swiftly on the heels of the discovery that Jade’s ex-husband, Jake Tweedy, was the son of a 3-Toed Sloth from Sumatra in Western Indonesia

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Filed under Humour, Satire, Showbiz

Dr Who And The Marmitians. A 50th Anniversary Savoury Blockbuster.

The ruthless Black Marmitian pictured waiting to make Dr Who’s sonic screwdriver all sticky

In celebration of 50 years on our screens, BBC chiefs have announced that iconic time traveller, Dr Who, will be confronted by a deadly new adversary in a 5 hour special to be screened at 8.00 this evening.

The Marmitians are small, jar-shaped creatures, whose innards consist of a hideous, brown gloop, similar in consistency to the green slime inside The Daleks, but with a pleasant savoury taste when spread on toast, or used to top a slice of welsh rarebit. They are fleeing their doomed planet which has been ravaged by an inter-galactic war with their deadly enemies, The Bovrillians, also small jar shaped creatures, but who possess the ability to morph themselves into a warming, hot beefy drink when mixed with boiling water.

The thrilling plot, which BBC insiders claim will have even the most doughty of “Whovians” gnawing on their knuckles from behind the curtains, will chronicle The Marmitian’s bid to take over Earth by secreting themselves at the back of people’s larders and staying there for years until you can’t get their lids off.

William Hartnell, 124, who played The Doctor for 27 years until he fell over and turned into another actor who couldn’t believe his luck, said from his home in Hackney East London.

“It sounds like an absolutely thrilling plot. Thank God I didn’t have to battle against The Marmitians in my day. I was lucky in that I just had to overcome The Daleks and suchlike. I think the scariest ones were those chappies covered in seaweed that walked all funny. I used to shit myself when I encountered one in the studio bogs I can tell you.

“These Marmitian johnnies, can they go up steps do you know?”

The BBC have said they will be issuing a parental discretion warning before the show is screened, advising viewers of the shocking content. This will enable the more lilly-livered Whovian to go upstairs and watch Strictly Ballroom with their mums while dad stays downstairs and gets stuck into a few cans before switching over to the rugby highlights.

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Showbiz, Spoof

Chinese Nationals Claim Police Beat Them In Cells.

A good-natured British bobby in typical good humour before being given, what he considers to be, joke names, pictured last night

Three Chinese students are considering taking legal action, after they claim that they were subjected to savage beatings by a number of officers from London’s Metropolitan Police, following their arrest for alleged disorderly conduct after a night out in the capital last month.

One of the men told me in an exclusive interview.

“We had just left a nightclub in West London and were making our way back to Victoria Station. I fully admit that we may have been a little bit loud as we’d been drinking quite heavily and were in good spirits. A passing police car spotted my friend urinating in a shop doorway and all three of us were arrested and taken to a nearby police station”

“At first the officers were absolutely fine and even made a few good natured jokes about our condition. They told us we’d be issued with a caution and released first thing in the morning”

“It was only after the desk sergeant asked for our names that the mood changed. Without warning we were dragged to a cell, where we were wrapped in mattresses and then beaten with truncheons for around five minutes or more. We were then stripped of our clothing and left in the cell together. After an hour or so another officer entered and turned a freezing cold hosepipe on us. Female officers were then brought to the cell who began laughing and pointing at our shrivelled genitalia. Eventually, at around 6.00am, we were given back our clothing and allowed to go free. It was a dreadful experience and has changed the way I and my friends think about the British bobby for ever”

The three men are due to appear at Bow Street Magistrates Court in January of next year and have been named as Fuk Yu Sun, Lik My Dik, and Yu Fat Fuk, all aged 23, and originally from Wang Kin Province in Northern China but currently residing in Cockermouth in Cumbria.

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Filed under Comedy, Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof

Now Then Me Duck. Hull Prepares To Be UK City Of Culture.

The reigning Miss Hull pouts prettily for the camera after hearing the good news.

Following the surprise news that Hull is to be UK City Of Culture in 2017, city dignitaries have announced that a giant toilet duck is to be floated in the Humber Estuary to mask the smell of fish.

Mayor Jim Arkwright broke off his celebrations with delirious townsfolk to tell waiting media.

“This is our great city’s finest hour since The Housemartins did that funny dancing on Top Of The Pops. However, we’re not going to rest on our laurels just yet. We’ve ordered a giant toilet duck to be towed into the estuary before all the tourists arrive so that they don’t go home smelling of Halibut”.

“We also plan to give every man, woman and child a personal speech therapist, like the one King George had in that film, so that we wont sound half daft on the telly when we’re talking about paintings and the like”

When we asked if the city would now be disassociating itself with controversial, former Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, he lashed out angrily at reporters, smashing a camera and stalked away muttering “Bah eck! There’s nowt so queer as folk and no mistake”

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof

Dorking Man Buys Blue Mug

A 42 year old man from the town of Dorking in Surrey has purchased a blue mug from a camping supplies store in the town high street it was reported last night.

Tony Malahide, who has lived locally all his life, revealed. “I was walking past the camping shop the other day when I spotted the mug in the window. It was reduced from £2.50 to £1.75 so I bought it. I’ll probably keep it in the shed at the allotment for when I fancy a brew”

In other news, a woman from The Isle Of Dogs in East London was reportedly seen taking advantage of a “Buy One Get One Free” offer on tinned chopped ham and pork in a branch of Tescos in Cripplegate.

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Spoof

Dear Plumber. “No sexual issue too perverse, no household plumbing job too small”

A plumber pictured yesterday preparing for another busy day out on the road.

As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I’m regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues.  Only last week I received the following crie de cours from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her tether, and just needed the kind of calming advice and steady hand on the emotional tiller that only a fully qualified, Corgi registered plumber can supply.

Dear Plumber

Last Thursday morning I left the house as usual to get a bit of shopping in and noticed that the overflow pipe from the cold water cistern in the loft was pouring with water, which was falling onto the flat roof of the porch and making a hell of a racket. I ran inside to fetch my husband but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually I spotted his silhouette through the shed window and ran out to alert him to the problem.

The sight that greeted me shook me to the very core of my being and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. My husband was completely naked, except for a studded leather posing pouch, stockings and suspenders and a pair of thigh length rubber fisherman’s waders. Over his face he was wearing an old gas mask that my mum had kept back from the war and I could see the respirator pulsing as he breathed in and out.

I then noticed that he had a noose fastened around his neck, which he’d lashed to a roof beam, and that his feet were barely touching the ground. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious by his vigorous shoulder movements and cries of pleasure that he was abusing himself.

I could barely contain my horror and disgust and ran back into the house where I vomited repeatedly into the sink. Fortunately he couldn’t have noticed me watching him as he came in around 20 minutes later in excellent spirits and asked me if I’d seen the cat.

Since that terrible day I’ve barely been able to function. My work is suffering and the doctor has put me on a number of powerful anti depressants, which leave me feeling washed out and terribly low. Things have reached a point now where I can’t look at him without retching violently and have constantly found my thoughts turning towards taking my own life. I sometimes think it’s the only way I will ever escape this living hell..

Please, please help me if you can! I just don’t know where to turn!

Elaine Turnbull
Upton Park E13

Dear Elaine

I know things may seem pretty bleak right now and it’s small wonder you feel as desperate and low as you do, but things are never as bad as they seem and it’s always darkest just before the dawn.

It sounds very much to me as if the ball valve that supplies the cold water cistern has a worn diaphragm and needs replacing. These are easily available from a plumbing supplies store or DIY stockist and retail at around £12.00 or so.

Simply shut off the supply at the rising main, remove the old valve by undoing the retaining locknut on the valve body and also the union connection on the feed pipe. Remove the old assembly and reverse the procedure to fit the new one. Adjust the ball valve arm to give you the tank water level you require and you should be trouble free for a good few years to come.

If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call one of our freephone helplines:

0897 3456 – Compression Or Capillary Joint? / Love’s Too Painful

0897 3457 – Fitting A New Hot Water Cylinder / Feminine Freshness Concerns

0899 3458 – Replacing A Leaking Stopcock / Addicted To Porn

0891 3459 – Lagging Exposed Pipework / Cross Dressing Hell

0892 3510 – Pipe Bending Made Easy / Sickened By Oral

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof

WARNING: This Satirical Magazine May Contain Traces Of People With Big Faces.






I read this magazine on the train to work and found myself forced to get off at Clapham Junction so that I could vomit into a wastepaper bin  –  The Urban Cyclist.

I found this magazine so chock full of searing erotica I was given a written warning by my employer for having erect nipples at the water cooler  –  Archbishop Desmond Tutu

This magazine was practically unreadable! Mind you I was 2000 leagues beneath The Black Sea at the time  –  Jacques Cousteau Jr.

Sortly after reading this magazine my entire body was wracked with pain and all my joints started aching  –  The Rheumatism and Arthritis Bugle

A savage and brutal publication, seething with unfettered erotica and redolent with the acrid stench of death  –  Tracy Simpkins 7.

I deed not see eet  –  The Arsene Wenger Gazzette

I became so aroused after reading this publication I rushed next door and thrust my erupting member through their letterbox  –  Clare Balding BBC Sport.

Hoots!  –  The Scotsman

A cracking good read! I particularly enjoy the way they rip the living piss out of people with big faces  –  Olly Murs

I hate Britain and everyone who lives there, so it stands to reason I hate this magazine also and would flob on it from my balcony given half the chance  –  Justin Bieber

First fucking rate! The fucking bastards who write and publish this shit deserve a fucking medal in my bastard book!  –  Salvation Army Warcry.

One was extremely amused  –  Elizabeth from Windsor

I found the magazine interesting but was rather disappointed by the lack of naked youngsters  –  Stuart Hall

A wonderfully uplifting and spiritual read. I found the content thought-provoking and replete with decency. If I had my way this magazine would be required reading for our schoolchildren, who could learn a great deal from the morality that shines from every page  –  Women And Animals.


So there you have it my friends. The above is proof positive of the sheer, unrivalled quality of this piece of literary toot, and if I wasn’t such a shy, retiring sort of cove with absolutely no ego whatsoever, I’d urge you to click on the link and spend half an hour or so in awestruck disbelief at how incredibly unfunny and banal both myself and my perma-sozzled cohorts can be. But I am. So I wont.

Blessed love to all.



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