Monthly Archives: November 2013

Now Then Me Duck. Hull Prepares To Be UK City Of Culture.

The reigning Miss Hull pouts prettily for the camera after hearing the good news.

Following the surprise news that Hull is to be UK City Of Culture in 2017, city dignitaries have announced that a giant toilet duck is to be floated in the Humber Estuary to mask the smell of fish.

Mayor Jim Arkwright broke off his celebrations with delirious townsfolk to tell waiting media.

“This is our great city’s finest hour since The Housemartins did that funny dancing on Top Of The Pops. However, we’re not going to rest on our laurels just yet. We’ve ordered a giant toilet duck to be towed into the estuary before all the tourists arrive so that they don’t go home smelling of Halibut”.

“We also plan to give every man, woman and child a personal speech therapist, like the one King George had in that film, so that we wont sound half daft on the telly when we’re talking about paintings and the like”

When we asked if the city would now be disassociating itself with controversial, former Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, he lashed out angrily at reporters, smashing a camera and stalked away muttering “Bah eck! There’s nowt so queer as folk and no mistake”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Dorking Man Buys Blue Mug

A 42 year old man from the town of Dorking in Surrey has purchased a blue mug from a camping supplies store in the town high street it was reported last night.

Tony Malahide, who has lived locally all his life, revealed. “I was walking past the camping shop the other day when I spotted the mug in the window. It was reduced from £2.50 to £1.75 so I bought it. I’ll probably keep it in the shed at the allotment for when I fancy a brew”

In other news, a woman from The Isle Of Dogs in East London was reportedly seen taking advantage of a “Buy One Get One Free” offer on tinned chopped ham and pork in a branch of Tescos in Cripplegate.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Dear Plumber. “No sexual issue too perverse, no household plumbing job too small”

A plumber pictured yesterday preparing for another busy day out on the road.

As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I’m regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues.  Only last week I received the following crie de cours from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her tether, and just needed the kind of calming advice and steady hand on the emotional tiller that only a fully qualified, Corgi registered plumber can supply.

Dear Plumber

Last Thursday morning I left the house as usual to get a bit of shopping in and noticed that the overflow pipe from the cold water cistern in the loft was pouring with water, which was falling onto the flat roof of the porch and making a hell of a racket. I ran inside to fetch my husband but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually I spotted his silhouette through the shed window and ran out to alert him to the problem.

The sight that greeted me shook me to the very core of my being and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. My husband was completely naked, except for a studded leather posing pouch, stockings and suspenders and a pair of thigh length rubber fisherman’s waders. Over his face he was wearing an old gas mask that my mum had kept back from the war and I could see the respirator pulsing as he breathed in and out.

I then noticed that he had a noose fastened around his neck, which he’d lashed to a roof beam, and that his feet were barely touching the ground. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious by his vigorous shoulder movements and cries of pleasure that he was abusing himself.

I could barely contain my horror and disgust and ran back into the house where I vomited repeatedly into the sink. Fortunately he couldn’t have noticed me watching him as he came in around 20 minutes later in excellent spirits and asked me if I’d seen the cat.

Since that terrible day I’ve barely been able to function. My work is suffering and the doctor has put me on a number of powerful anti depressants, which leave me feeling washed out and terribly low. Things have reached a point now where I can’t look at him without retching violently and have constantly found my thoughts turning towards taking my own life. I sometimes think it’s the only way I will ever escape this living hell..

Please, please help me if you can! I just don’t know where to turn!

Elaine Turnbull
Upton Park E13

Dear Elaine

I know things may seem pretty bleak right now and it’s small wonder you feel as desperate and low as you do, but things are never as bad as they seem and it’s always darkest just before the dawn.

It sounds very much to me as if the ball valve that supplies the cold water cistern has a worn diaphragm and needs replacing. These are easily available from a plumbing supplies store or DIY stockist and retail at around £12.00 or so.

Simply shut off the supply at the rising main, remove the old valve by undoing the retaining locknut on the valve body and also the union connection on the feed pipe. Remove the old assembly and reverse the procedure to fit the new one. Adjust the ball valve arm to give you the tank water level you require and you should be trouble free for a good few years to come.

If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call one of our freephone helplines:

0897 3456 – Compression Or Capillary Joint? / Love’s Too Painful

0897 3457 – Fitting A New Hot Water Cylinder / Feminine Freshness Concerns

0899 3458 – Replacing A Leaking Stopcock / Addicted To Porn

0891 3459 – Lagging Exposed Pipework / Cross Dressing Hell

0892 3510 – Pipe Bending Made Easy / Sickened By Oral

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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WARNING: This Satirical Magazine May Contain Traces Of People With Big Faces.

 

 

 

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http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Testimonials.

I read this magazine on the train to work and found myself forced to get off at Clapham Junction so that I could vomit into a wastepaper bin  –  The Urban Cyclist.

I found this magazine so chock full of searing erotica I was given a written warning by my employer for having erect nipples at the water cooler  –  Archbishop Desmond Tutu

This magazine was practically unreadable! Mind you I was 2000 leagues beneath The Black Sea at the time  –  Jacques Cousteau Jr.

Sortly after reading this magazine my entire body was wracked with pain and all my joints started aching  –  The Rheumatism and Arthritis Bugle

A savage and brutal publication, seething with unfettered erotica and redolent with the acrid stench of death  –  Tracy Simpkins 7.

I deed not see eet  –  The Arsene Wenger Gazzette

I became so aroused after reading this publication I rushed next door and thrust my erupting member through their letterbox  –  Clare Balding BBC Sport.

Hoots!  –  The Scotsman

A cracking good read! I particularly enjoy the way they rip the living piss out of people with big faces  –  Olly Murs

I hate Britain and everyone who lives there, so it stands to reason I hate this magazine also and would flob on it from my balcony given half the chance  –  Justin Bieber

First fucking rate! The fucking bastards who write and publish this shit deserve a fucking medal in my bastard book!  –  Salvation Army Warcry.

One was extremely amused  –  Elizabeth from Windsor

I found the magazine interesting but was rather disappointed by the lack of naked youngsters  –  Stuart Hall

A wonderfully uplifting and spiritual read. I found the content thought-provoking and replete with decency. If I had my way this magazine would be required reading for our schoolchildren, who could learn a great deal from the morality that shines from every page  –  Women And Animals.

 

So there you have it my friends. The above is proof positive of the sheer, unrivalled quality of this piece of literary toot, and if I wasn’t such a shy, retiring sort of cove with absolutely no ego whatsoever, I’d urge you to click on the link and spend half an hour or so in awestruck disbelief at how incredibly unfunny and banal both myself and my perma-sozzled cohorts can be. But I am. So I wont.

Blessed love to all.

Clivey

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SITUATIONS VACANT: Trainspotter Required For Dorking Area.

A train pictured yesterday just before entering a tunnel in a lewd and suggestive manner.

A small well appointed railway station in Dorking, Surrey, are actively seeking a full time trainspotter to carry out light clerical duties.

The sinister, poorly dressed inadequate we’re looking for should have a good working knowledge of rolling stock dating back to The Age Of Steam and be able to produce a full back catalogue of train serial numbers going back at least 5 years.

A furtive demeanour and a clinical history of social phobia with a criminal record for minor sexual offences, particularly indecent exposure towards minors, will also be looked on favourably.

The successful applicant must be fully prepared to stand for hours on end in all types of weather conditions, jotting down train numbers into a battered notebook.  A  few breaks may be taken during quiet times to sip a weak lemon drink and eat a couple of Marmite sandwiches,which preferably, should have been made earlier by the applicants elderly mother.

The ability to masturbate inside your trousers when schoolchildren are on the platform will also count greatly in the successful applicants favour, although some training will be given in this area

People who have committed a number of grisly murders undetected and who can show evidence of human remains under the patio at home will be fast tracked straight onto the short list.

A full uniform, consisting of hideous, suspiciously stained catalogue trousers and battered fake leather sandals, along with a torn string vest and floral short sleeved shirt will be provided, but pink rimmed National Health Service spectacles held together by Elastoplast must be supplied by the applicant.

If you feel that you fit the bill and are keen to join our enthusiastic team of jobless, inadequate sexual deviants, then get your mum to fill in a CV on your behalf, after she’s made your poached eggs on toast with spaghetti hoops, and send it to:

The Station Master
Dorking South Station
Surrey.

People with girlfriends either past or present need not apply.

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Cooking With The Stars #56. This Week: Chris Brown

Chris bites off Rihanna’s ear for disrespecting his Duck A L’orange

 

 In this edition Chris shows us how to beat an egg.

Yo blood! What the fuck’s happening dawg?  You just take one motherfuckin’ egg, know what I’m sayin’? You make sho’ you don’t take no shit from that motherfucker though, you hear me blood?
Then you take dat egg bitch fo’ a ride in yo’ wheels, ‘cos you never know if dat honey gone git freaky on yo’ ass and start shootin’ off at da lip.
Den when yo ass and dat egg ass is far way from yo’ yard, you beat the fuckin’ shit outta dat mofo till all you got left is mushknow what ah’m sayin’  homeboy?
Den you ‘pologise to yo’ egg and the motherfuckin‘ press fo’ beatin’ on dat egg ass. Den you go git yo’sel’ nother egg and make yo’sel’ a nice motherfuckin’ omlette. 

Next Week: Kneading Dough To Make Homemade Bread With Salt n Pepper. Here’s a taster:
“Oooo baby baby, ooo baby baby! Push it! Push it! Push it real good!”

Don’t miss next month’s bumper Xmas edition when the doyen of TV chefs, Deliah Smith, demonstrates how to make a nourishing broth from leftover turkey while ripped to the tits on fizzy lager and creme de menthe.

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Kim Kardashian Vows To Give Filipino Pool Boy Oral Relief For Victims Of Killer Typhoon

Ms Kardashian’s knickers drawer pictured last night.

Celebrity star of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim Kardashian, has announced plans to reprise the home video role that made her famous by giving one of her Filipino staff oral sex as a mark of her support for the tragic victims of the destructive typhoon  that tore through the islands last week causing widespread destruction and the deaths of thousands of inhabitants.

Ms Kardashian herself was unavailable for comment yesterday as she was lying on a sun lounger with one knee raised, but we spoke to her public relations manager who told us.

“Kim was absolutely distraught when she heard of the plight of the victims of this terrible disaster and has vowed to do all in her power to help alleviate their suffering. We discussed a number of possible measures, including donating a sum of money to one of the aid charities, but after a great deal of soul searching Kim has decided to suck off the pool boy. We think he’s a Filipino as he’s quite brown and has those slitty eyes, but we’re not absolutely sure as he can’t speak English. Anyway Kim has assured me that as soon as she’s had her afternoon beauty nap she’s going to get him up in her bedroom and administer oral sex. One of the other staff members will film the whole episode with a view to giving a small percentage of any money raised, via porn site royalties etc, to the victims of the disaster. She feels it’s the least she can do”

When we relayed the news to Mrs Lei Aquina, one of the homeless victims of the disaster last night, she told us.

“It’s very kind of her and we’re all extremely grateful but we’d have preferred a sack of rice to be honest with you. What did you say her name was again?”

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Dorking Woman In “Buy One Get One Free” Incident

 A British dog taking advantage of a buy one get one free offer, pictured last night.
 It is being widely reported by a number of global media networks that a 43 year old woman, from the English town of Dorking in Surrey, has taken advantage of a “buy one get one free” offer in a local branch of the Tesco supermarket chain.
 
It is believed that the incident took place on or around the beginning of June 2013, when the woman, who is now avoiding the media glare by staying with relatives, bought two tins of Tesco Prime Meaty Chunks dog food for her Springer Spaniel, and yet, due to an attractive, in store special offer, only paid the amount normally charged by the store for one can.
 
A spokesperson for the store issued a brief statement last night.
“Yes it’s absolutely true that this woman took advantage of a special offer at our Dorking branch. However, at the same time we’d like to point out that we as a company cannot accept responsibility for the choices made by our customers and anyway what the fuck’s it got to do with you?”

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The Incredible Hulk Opens Expanding Trousers Shop In Dorking

 “Can I change these for a smaller size? I’ve not worn them. Honest”

Hundreds of excited comic book enthusiasts flocked to the sleepy backwater of Dorking in Surrey yesterday when it was announced that a gents outfitters, specialising in clothing for the clinically obese, was to be opened by Marvel Comic anti hero, The Incredible Hulk.

 The proprietor of the store, “Broad In The Beam,” Mr Ronald Keithley, 59, spoke to local reporters shortly before the arrival of the popular rampaging brute and said.

 “This is an absolutely tremendous coup for the business and a real fillip for our little town. I can’t believe The Hulk agreed to come at such short notice to be honest, as I know for a fact he had a pretty busy time of it last week when he spent over 2 hours locked in a grim life or death struggle battling The Submariner 5000 leagues beneath The Atlantic Ocean. Not only that but he then spent the entire weekend being strafed and bombed by a squadron of F16 fighter jets in the Arizona Desert, so it’s a wonderful gesture on his part and we can’t thank the big fella enough.”

 It’s believed that the monosyllabic, green behemoth was swayed into coming when he learned of the new expanding latex trouser range which the shop are hoping to launch in the spring, presumably so that he’ll be able to invest in a pair himself to save having to continuously fork out for new ones after waking up with ripped clothing as Dr Bruce Banner in an alleyway after a furious battle against The X-Men and any number of other comic book heroes with a point to prove.

 After cutting the tape and signing autographs for clamouring fans, a BBC man asked the brooding, green monolith how he was enjoying his stay in the UK, upon which he snatched a Sky News helicopter from the sky and hurled it to the ground bellowing “Him hurt Hulk” before bounding back to America with mighty leaps, using US Navy battleships in The Atlantic as springboards.

 Following on from this huge publicity coup, Mr Keithley also unveiled plans to open a women’s store nearby which would cater for the more full figured female customer.

 He told reporters “We’re going to call it “Junk In The Trunk” and we have already contacted both Ann Widdecombe and Vanessa Feltz about presiding over the opening” .

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ACHTUNG! Shameless Self-Publicist At Work!

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Notice how Olly’s face is much bigger than those of the other two herberts. Nuff said. 

Big fan of Olly “He gotta big face” Murs, Justin Bieber, Simon Cowell etc?

You are?

Blimey you wont think much of our mag then 😦

A completely shameless URL/link type jobbie will now follow. Please look away now if you have even the tiniest inkling as to what constitutes humour. http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Still, keep smiling guys. I know I will 🙂

Give us a like, a share or a tweet and there’s big money in it for yers…in all probability.

Cheers peeps

Clivey x

 

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