East London Kebab Shop Destroyed In Israeli Air Strike On Hummus

A dish of hummus shelters behind some peppers as Israeli jets scream overhead.

There were fresh calls for an immediate ceasefire in the war torn Middle East last night after an Israeli F16 jet fighter targeted and destroyed a kebab shop in Upton Park East London leaving the proprietor and 12 customers dead.

It is believed the tragic mix up occurred when the pilot was told to “Get me some hummus” by his flight commander, who merely wanted him to bring him over a snack from the canteen after he’d completed his sortie over Palestine.

A witness to the carnage was Tony Summers, the owner of a greengrocers just across the road from the stricken fast food shop.

“It was absolutely diabolical to be honest” said Mr Summers, 57 “I was just arranging a few oranges in the display outside the shop when this fighter jet came screaming in and launched a missile which absolutely flattened the kebab place. The poor bastards inside never stood a chance. It’s an absolute tragedy for the whole community and a downright diabolical liberty”

” Tariq, the geezer who owned it, was an absolute diamond and did the best donner with chilli sauce and hummus for miles around. Gawd knows what I’m going to do at lunchtimes now. I’ll probably have to get the old woman to make me a packed lunch or something. Absolutely bloody terrible!”

The Israeli air force issued a brief statement last night.

“While we deeply regret this terrible tragedy and send our condolences to the families of all those affected, we’d like to point out that hummus and Hamas sound very similar even though one is a murderous, terrorist organisation and the other is a kind of dip. We’d also like to reiterate that we only target military installations or crowded blocks of flats, which may or may not have the odd Palestinian terrorist living there. Regrettably there will always be a degree of collateral damage, whether it be a school, a mosque or even as we saw on this occasion, the odd snack bar thousands of miles from the theatre of war, so we’re sorry about that”

A memorial service for the dead is to be held on Thursday at the East London Church Of Christ, Spitalfields with a free fish supper thrown in afterwards.

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3 Comments

Filed under Satire

3 responses to “East London Kebab Shop Destroyed In Israeli Air Strike On Hummus

  1. There old chap is real ‘satire!’ Not the ‘punch pulling’ thrash I sometimes have occasion to try out!

    Like

  2. Gary Hoadley

    There is something very seedy about the whole affair
    I shall wait and see what he writes next.

    Like

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