Easy now sah!
Lawd Jesus me bredrin, what the arse a ‘appening me yoot? Blessed love to all on dis beautiful Sunday to raaas!
Me a love me Sundee mornings dem. Me a get up real hurly and roll up some of me most righteous ‘erb and smoke up a couple of spliffs dem. Den I like to go for a long walk to the bottom of me yard and back. Den me all the time eat up me breakfast. Sometime me ‘ave Rice Krispy and sometime me have a lickle bowl of ackie and swordfish wid ‘ot milk and ting.
Den me smoke some more ‘erb and me ‘ave a listen to The Harchers on BBC. Dem ‘ave every kind o’ ting on dere now you know me yoot. Dem ‘ave lesbian gals, batty boys and people talkin’ pon sheep and ting.
Me sometime go to church too cos me mudder say if me nah go she gone come round and give me some ‘ard licks and put me under ‘eavy manners to raaaas. She a good mudder but she all the time wants to mash up me bloodclaat face and tear up me pussytongue.
When me a done me worship and ting me like to relax meself wid some real boss ganga before me a settle down to watch De Politic Show wid Andrew Neil and dat ickle piece of poom poom what sometime sit wid ‘im. Lawd Jesus me bredrin, she one pretty ickle ting and me want kiss ‘er up and every kind of ting sah.
When me a done wid me heducation me like to go see me posse in de Hearl Of Hessex and ‘ave a little game o’ dominos wid me yoot till it time for De Hantique Roadshow and ting.
Blessed love to all dis Sundee and nah bodder looking pon me woman or me a give you some bloodclaat licks up de side of your ‘ead sah.
Salassie hail me bredrin. Roots!
Character inspired by my good Jamaican spar Carl “Shakey” Shakes
Image by Mina