Monthly Archives: November 2013

CHAVSTER! The Great New Xmas Board Game For All The Feckless, Croydon-Based Family

Chavster proves popular with a number of Croydon youngsters as the boxes fly off the shelves last night

Croydon Council are delighted to announce the launch of our exciting new board game, Chavster, which we hope will delight thousands of the feral, moronic arseoles that reside in this great borough of ours

Chavster will both challenge and delight you as you’re confronted by a number of tricky conundrums, including, how to fraudulently fill in benefit claims forms, how to concoct believable excuses to give your parole officer after non-attendance, how to strip all the copper piping from your council flat and many more.

Each player will be able to chose a small plastic token which can be furtively moved around the board. These include a can of Tennants Super, an electronic tag, an unmarried mother, complete with buggy, and a stolen VW Golf GTi.

The object of the game is to collect as many points which will be awarded in the form of benefit tokens, as you can. These can then be sold  on to a Bulgarian asylum seeker or alternately exchanged for drugs. The winner will be the player who ends the game with the most cash or the biggest stash of illegal substances.

A bit like Snakes And Ladders there will be a number of hazards to negotiate, such as police stop and search teams, DSS fraud detection officers and social workers who will take your kids into care if you try to gain extra points by selling them into slavery or by introducing them into prostitution.

Conversely, players can gain an advantage by indulging in anti-social behaviour, such as burgling a neighbour’s house, plying underage youngsters with drink in order to take advantage of them, or hanging around outside shops smoking cannabis and hurling insults at passers-by.

Chavster will be available from December 1st in all good outlets throughout the borough and will retail at £18.99 although to be honest we expect the entire warehouse of stock to be robbed long before then.

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof, Uncategorized

The Soz Satire Mint Proudly Presents: The Princess Diana Tyre Tread Depth Gauge Of Hope

An elderly man wishing he’d bought The Princess Diana Tyre Tread Depth Gauge Of Hope pictured last night

Soz Satire are delighted to offer you the chance to purchase any number of these lovingly crafted, commemorative, tyre tread depth gauges, either in six easy instalments or via a one-off payment offering absolutely no discount whatsoever.

Fashioned from the purest low grade iron ore by our world renowned team of Somali asylum seekers, these beautiful little gauges will grace any sideboard or garage wall and serve as a fitting tribute to our beloved Princess Of Hearts, so cruelly taken from us on that dreadful night back in 1990 something.

Each gauge comes in it’s own genuine plastic pouch with a picture of Princess Di stuck to it. We can also vouch for the functionability of each piece, which will accurately measure, give or take a few millimetres, the depth of your tyre tread so that you can ensure each groove is at least 2mm or whatever the limit is these days.

We are convinced you will be absolutely delighted with your purchase, so much so that we offer a no quibble, money back guarantee if you inform us of any problem, in writing, within an hour of delivery.

Stocks are limited so order yours now to avoid missing out on this never to be repeated offer. Simply bring a bankers draft for £2000 or a bag of Kruger Rands round to our offices at The Lord Rodney’s Head public house in Whitechapel East London, where one of our sales team will be only to happy to take your money before sidling out into the street with his collar turned up.

Disclaimer:  I fully realise that The Soz Satire Mint have no obligation whatsoever to deliver or hand over the goods for which I am paying and that the chances of them doing so are very slim, bordering on non-existent. I am quite elderly or a vulnerable member of society with absolutely no idea how to make legal redress after being defrauded. My address is …………..and I am usually out from………to………  I do/do not have a dog.

Signed ………….

For more great offers, suspiciously similar to this one, why not visit us at Go on, we’ll mug you off in there too!


Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof

Satirical Magazine Gets Facebook “Like” After Posting Photo Of Bastard Cat


Our wuffly ickle bastard cat pictured looking suitably triumphant last night.

A deeply unpopular, and largely ignored, online satirical magazine have claimed, that after months of trying, they have finally achieved a Facebook “like” after accompanying one of their skits with a photograph of a bastard cat.

Editor-In-Chief of SoZ Satire Magazine, Clive Danton, 21, said.

“It was nothing short of a miracle to be honest with you. After months of posting our skits on our timelines and our FB page without so much as a barbed comment from people on our friends list, or a reluctant share from close family members, this “like” just came flooding in. To say we in the office were gobsmacked doesn’t even come close to be fair.

“Things were getting pretty desperate for us in all honesty and a number of the staff had turned to strong drink and loose women to deaden the pain of being shunned by social media. At least that’s what they told me anyway. Our showbiz editor even complained that his extra-marital affairs were suffering as a direct result, so we knew that desperate measures were called for.

“The credit for our salvation and burgeoning popularity has to go to my sub-editor Alfie, who hit upon the idea of posting a small photograph of his bastard cat to accompany a spoof story we were planning to run about Olly Murs having a big face. He insisted this could be the way forward as he’d previously noticed how people that constantly rammed pictures of their pets down people’s throats seemed to attract a huge amount of “likes”, “shares”, comments and other accolades from their fellow Facebook users.

“I must admit I was sceptical at first but then decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and the rest, as they say, is history. We are even planning to photoshop a picture of the Sports Editor’s Staffordshire Bull Terrier onto the front cover of our December issue. Well you never know do you?”

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Indecent Exposure Spree In City Of Metropolis: Journalist Held.

Kent pictured giving evidence in court yesterday.

A senior crime reporter on a well-respected local newspaper has been arrested and charged with gross indecency following a spate of complaints from the public about a man being seen removing his clothing in phone booths dotted around the city of Metropolis.

Clark Kent 27 originally from Smallville, Oklahoma, but now living and working in Metropolis on The Daily Planet newspaper, was apprehended by a passing cop who claims to have spotted him ripping open his shirt in what he described as an “extremely frenzied manner” inside a public phone booth adjacent to The Planet’s office building last Wednesday.

Officer William O Hara, 34, stated in court that Kent was “acting in a very agitated manner” and that when questioned he claimed to be the mild mannered alter ego of Metropolis hero and “Man Of Steel”, Superman, and that he was only using the phone box so that he could change into his super hero costume before flying off at super speed with one arm outstretched and one trailing behind. He claimed to be on his way to intercept a flaming meteor that was screaming through space on a collision course with Earth, having been dislodged from it’s customary orbit by his nemesis and arch villain, Lex Luther, who’d fired some kind of big ray gun at it from his attic.

When asked by prosecuting council why the catastrophe he’d forecast hadn’t  come to pass, Kent replied that he’d melted the bars of his cell using his heat vision, and then having escaped, had flown towards the speeding rock and caught it with both hands above his head before dropping it harmlessly in the sea.

The case continues.

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General Medical Council Accused Of Witch Hunt As Dr Watson Is Struck Off

Former patients of Dr Watson angrily protesting his innocence outside the GMC offices last night.



The British Medical Association are claiming that their members are being unfairly targeted following the recent furore surrounding the posthumous striking off of Sherlock Holmes loyal companion, Dr John H Watson, from The Medical Register last week.

 Watson’s track record as a GP was examined by the General Medical Council after a number of aggrieved relatives came forward claiming that he’d been guilty of gross negligence whilst treating their forebears in the 1880s, due largely to the fact that he was constantly absent from his London surgery owing to his frequent adventures with the famous Baker Street sleuth, and that he’d often miss house calls to go wandering around bleak moorland in search of spectral hounds and would even give patients the wrong medicine after becoming preoccupied with plotting the downfall of Holmes’s arch nemesis Moriarty.

 Since the investigation a number of other relatives have come forward with similar complaints aimed at a variety of physicians, including Dr Fu Man Chu, Dr Jekyll, and Doctor Doom out of Marvel Comics.

 A spokesman for the BMA told reporters. “Whilst we realise that Watson was a pretty dismal physician, and perhaps would have been better suited to a career at Scotland Yard, my colleagues and I feel very strongly that there’s been an almost unhealthy zeal about the way the media has handled this business which quite frankly borders on hysteria. People’s lives and careers are at stake here and immense care has to be taken to ensure that only the guilty are brought to book.”

Fresh rumours were  ignited last night as the Twitter social networking site was swamped by an avalanche of tweets, making thus far, unfounded allegations and complaints about Dr Josef Mengele, dubbed The Angel Of Death, who, it is alleged, conducted a number of macabre and grotesque experiments on concentration camp prisoners during the second world war.

 His great grandson Herman Mengele strongly defended his grandfather last night saying. “He may well have experimented on helpless camp internees but he didn’t want to do it, Hitler forced him into it.. He wanted to let them off!”

We tried to speak to a local GP to obtain his views on the matter but his receptionist told us that he was far too busy, no matter how sick we were, and slammed the phone down.



Filed under Uncategorized

Dorking Woman Crowned World Car Door Slamming Champion

Mrs Smethwick’s family take a few moments to recover following a door slamming incident in a lay by on the A12 last night

In a thrilling finish at a branch of Car Giant in Dagenham, East London, a woman from Dorking in Surrey last night clinched the coveted World Car Door Slamming title, beating five hundred other females representing countries from all over the world, the first time the prize has been wrested from American grasp since its inception in 1947.

Mrs Emily Smethwick, 35, managed to slam 60 car doors unnecessarily hard in two minutes and forty five seconds, smashing the world record by a hefty 9.4 seconds.

Speaking to reporters afterwards, Mrs Smethwick, married with 5 children, said.

“This is the proudest day of my life without doubt. I’ve been slamming car doors with excessive violence ever since my husband, Ted, bought an Austin Maxi in 1978 and I managed to completely destroy the lock striker plates within 6 weeks of him buying it. However this has to be my greatest achievement by far. I can’t wait to ring my mum and tell her my news. She’ll be absolutely made up for me. It was actually her that set me on the road to success with her constant slamming of the passenger door on my dad’s Bull Nose Morris until the hinges gave out and the little indicator that used to pop out of the side fell off. What a day for all the women in our family!”

We tried to get a few words from her husband George as they left the venue but he’s been profoundly deaf for 10 years due to perforated ear drums and neither our reporter nor camera crew knew sign language.

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Subbuteo Table Cricket To Introduce Clinically Depressed Player

Clinically depressed England table cricketer “shoulders arms” and makes a dash for the airport while Australian slip fielders take the piss.

Following the withdrawal of yet another England cricketer from a touring party, this time, batsman Jonathan Trot, with a “stress-related illness”, table soccer and cricket icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a player suffering from depression in time for the launch of their 2014 version in January of next year.

The company issued a statement  last night.

“We at Subbuteo pride ourselves on keeping up with all the latest trends in all of the sports we represent, so given the fact that so many English cricketers have been pulling out of tours lately, citing stress as the cause, we’ve have decided to introduce a clinically depressed batsman in our newest version.

The player will have a separate slot in the box, well away from the other players to simulate that insular, withdrawn demeanour so common amongst sufferers. He will also be jointed and hinged at the waist so that he can be curled up into the foetal position just before the start of play.

He will of course be absolutely useless once he takes to the field, fumbling simple catches, falling over during  long chases to the boundary and of course getting absolutely no runs with the bat, due to his turning his back on the fast bowlers and whimpering as soon as they’re in their delivery stride.

Customers who wish to pay a little extra for our deluxe version will have the option of placing a small plastic Boeing 747 aircraft just outside the stadium, towards which the player can be flicked shortly after the close of play on Day 1 of a vital test match.

We also plan to introduce a foul-mouthed, Australian fast bowler at some point, who will run down the pitch after every delivery, calling the player “A whingeing girly Pom” and threatening to break his arm and have sex with his wife, but it’s pretty much in the developmental stage at the moment”

When told of this latest innovation, bellicose, former Yorkshire and England cricketing legend. Geoff Boycott, who famously castigated England batsman Marcus Trecothick, for withdrawing from a tour due to mental health issues,  told reporters.

“Clinical bloody depression? I’ve never ‘eard the like in all my born days! We never ‘ad owt like that in my day! We used to finish a 16 hour shift down t’ pit, run 500 odd miles to Lords or t’ Oval, wi’ pads on, and still make two ‘undred odd runs before tea on t’ first day of test! Clinical depression? Bah ‘eck as like! These young buggers of today don’t know they’re bloody born, and ah’ll tell thee that fer nowt!”

He later issued a retraction after being censured and threatened with a fine by  BBC Test Match Special bosses in which he stated.

“Aye well ‘appen I were a bit too harsh on the poor lad. Professional sport is a reet tough business these days and I can even remember, back in my day, when Kenny Barrington tried to tek afternoon off in t’ second test against West Indies at Trent Bridge after ‘e found out his missus had been run over and killed by a bus in t’ street. Mind thee, ‘e still made 75 before lunch on second day of  test tha knows!?”

The new game will retail at £25.99 for the basic package and £37.99 for the deluxe “I want my mum, where’s the airport” version.

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Jade Goodie’s Father Was A Manatee Claims Sir David Attenborough

TV naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, has made the startling claim that deceased Big Brother winner, Jade Goodie’s, father was a Manatee that once swam in the warm brackish waters of one of the Caribbean Islands.

Speaking to the National Geographic Society, Attenborough, 136, said “Having exhumed Jade Goodie’s body, and carried out a number of exhaustive scientific tests, I am now wholly convinced that her father was a Manatee or “Sea Cow” and that, in all probability, he once inhabited  a small inlet or river, probably in one of the Leeward Islands of The Caribbean

“The similarities are irrefutable when you really look at it, with the large, relatively shapeless body, the astoundingly low intelligence and the permanently gormless expression.

I took a DNA sample from a dead one that I found washed up on the beach, during my last expedition studying marine life off the coast of Antigua, and found it to be a perfect match with that of Ms Goodie”

A spokesperson for The Jade Goodie Foundation, a charity set up in memory of the dead irritant, said last night

” Don’t you talk abart ‘er like wot you just talked! Jade woz a bootyful angle and there’s just no way ‘er dad was a creature out of the sea and that! If David Attenborough keeps saying that, I’m going up the council”

These revelations follow swiftly on the heels of the discovery that Jade’s ex-husband, Jake Tweedy, was the son of a 3-Toed Sloth from Sumatra in Western Indonesia

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Filed under Humour, Satire, Showbiz

Dr Who And The Marmitians. A 50th Anniversary Savoury Blockbuster.

The ruthless Black Marmitian pictured waiting to make Dr Who’s sonic screwdriver all sticky

In celebration of 50 years on our screens, BBC chiefs have announced that iconic time traveller, Dr Who, will be confronted by a deadly new adversary in a 5 hour special to be screened at 8.00 this evening.

The Marmitians are small, jar-shaped creatures, whose innards consist of a hideous, brown gloop, similar in consistency to the green slime inside The Daleks, but with a pleasant savoury taste when spread on toast, or used to top a slice of welsh rarebit. They are fleeing their doomed planet which has been ravaged by an inter-galactic war with their deadly enemies, The Bovrillians, also small jar shaped creatures, but who possess the ability to morph themselves into a warming, hot beefy drink when mixed with boiling water.

The thrilling plot, which BBC insiders claim will have even the most doughty of “Whovians” gnawing on their knuckles from behind the curtains, will chronicle The Marmitian’s bid to take over Earth by secreting themselves at the back of people’s larders and staying there for years until you can’t get their lids off.

William Hartnell, 124, who played The Doctor for 27 years until he fell over and turned into another actor who couldn’t believe his luck, said from his home in Hackney East London.

“It sounds like an absolutely thrilling plot. Thank God I didn’t have to battle against The Marmitians in my day. I was lucky in that I just had to overcome The Daleks and suchlike. I think the scariest ones were those chappies covered in seaweed that walked all funny. I used to shit myself when I encountered one in the studio bogs I can tell you.

“These Marmitian johnnies, can they go up steps do you know?”

The BBC have said they will be issuing a parental discretion warning before the show is screened, advising viewers of the shocking content. This will enable the more lilly-livered Whovian to go upstairs and watch Strictly Ballroom with their mums while dad stays downstairs and gets stuck into a few cans before switching over to the rugby highlights.

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Showbiz, Spoof

Chinese Nationals Claim Police Beat Them In Cells.

A good-natured British bobby in typical good humour before being given, what he considers to be, joke names, pictured last night

Three Chinese students are considering taking legal action, after they claim that they were subjected to savage beatings by a number of officers from London’s Metropolitan Police, following their arrest for alleged disorderly conduct after a night out in the capital last month.

One of the men told me in an exclusive interview.

“We had just left a nightclub in West London and were making our way back to Victoria Station. I fully admit that we may have been a little bit loud as we’d been drinking quite heavily and were in good spirits. A passing police car spotted my friend urinating in a shop doorway and all three of us were arrested and taken to a nearby police station”

“At first the officers were absolutely fine and even made a few good natured jokes about our condition. They told us we’d be issued with a caution and released first thing in the morning”

“It was only after the desk sergeant asked for our names that the mood changed. Without warning we were dragged to a cell, where we were wrapped in mattresses and then beaten with truncheons for around five minutes or more. We were then stripped of our clothing and left in the cell together. After an hour or so another officer entered and turned a freezing cold hosepipe on us. Female officers were then brought to the cell who began laughing and pointing at our shrivelled genitalia. Eventually, at around 6.00am, we were given back our clothing and allowed to go free. It was a dreadful experience and has changed the way I and my friends think about the British bobby for ever”

The three men are due to appear at Bow Street Magistrates Court in January of next year and have been named as Fuk Yu Sun, Lik My Dik, and Yu Fat Fuk, all aged 23, and originally from Wang Kin Province in Northern China but currently residing in Cockermouth in Cumbria.

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Filed under Comedy, Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof