Monthly Archives: October 2013

Government Urges Elderly To Practice Tantric Sex To Beat The Winter Chill

An elderly woman practises faking an orgasm as news breaks of the latest govt proposal.

With fuel prices seemingly spiralling out of control, accompanied by a growing number of elderly people struggling to meet the cost of heating their homes, the Home Office have issued guidelines on how Britain’s growing population of pensioners can cheaply and effectively guard against the ravages of hypothermia this coming winter.

Among the suggestions put forward which include more effective home insulation and wearing warmer clothing, is the proposal that Britain’s senior citizens learn, and then put into practice, the art of tantric sex, in which couples make vigorous love for long periods, sometimes even for days, with only short breaks to eat and go to the toilet.

Home Secretary Theresa May backed the proposal last night, saying “This government are fully committed to giving every possible assistance to our elderly people, and if this means advising them to go at it full pelt in a variety of unlikely positions then so be it. I mean to say Sting has been doing it for years and you don’t hear him complaining of feeling cold during the winter months or of having his electric cut off in the middle of January for not paying his bill do you?”

Reaction among the elderly themselves was a little mixed when our reporter went out and about in the London Borough Of Tower Hamlets last night.

Mr Bill Hinds, 97, said “I’m all for it to be honest with you. I can’t wait to get my heating bills down by giving the missus a bloody good back scuttling over the ironing board for hours on end. I’ve always been a Labour supporter but on this occasion I have to take my hat off to the Tories and the Liberals. It’s high time they did something for the pensioners of this country. Let’s be honest we haven’t got much else to do apart from watching telly or going down the pub for a game of dominoes and a pint”

However, Mrs Vera Stutters, 89, had some reservations. “I’m not at all sure about this dear” she said “I’ve not had relations with my Albert since the night Lady Di got married and to be honest we only did that as a mark of respect to the royal couple. Not only that but I’m not sure he’s up to it these days. Suppose he has one of his falls when he’s giving me the good news on top of the sideboard? And then there’s the cat, who’s going to feed Toby while we’re at it like knives for days on end. No I think I’ll just wrap up warm again like I always do dear”

This proposal, if accepted by both houses, will be the most radical energy saving move since Enoch Powell urged Britain’s poor to set fire to a darkie to ward off the chill during The Big Freeze of 1962/63.

1 Comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

Donner Und Titzen! Obama Spied On Me In The Ladies Room Claims Angela Merkel.

                         Obama pictured during the recent arms discussions asking Chancellor Merkel if she’s wearing any.

German chancellor Angela Merkel last night made the astonishing claim that US president Barack Obama spied on her as she visited the ladies lavatory at The White House during a recent visit. She also accused him of ogling her during the state banquet and of using “inappropriate language”  during discussions on arms proliferation in The Middle East.

Speaking to reporters at a press conference Merkel said

“It was an experience I’ll never forget and I certainly won’t be going back there in a hurry I can tell you. Mr Obama’s behaviour throughout was disgraceful and inappropriate right from the word go in my opinion”.

“As soon as we met he made me feel uncomfortable by licking my face as we exchanged pleasantries and he then rubbed himself against me just before we parted. It was quite clear to me that he was physically aroused”

“It was even worse at the banquet where he constantly ogled my breasts whilst sitting opposite me and kept dropping his fork on the floor so that he could look up my skirt”

“Worst of all however, was when I made a visit to the ladies toilet and sat down inside one of the traps. I was right in the middle of dropping the kids off at the pool when Obama slid his head under the door and asked if I needed company. I felt violated to be perfectly honest and couldn’t wait to get the hell out and back to Berlin.”

Obama made a brief statement last night in which he claims that there is no truth whatsoever in Mrs Merkel’s claim. “Angela Merkel! You’re kidding me right? I wouldn’t even touch her with Newt Gingrich’s dude! Now if we were talking about that little honey that runs Ireland right now, that would be another matter entirely. Hot damn I’d crawl 200 metres naked over broken glass just to smell one of her farts. Hubba hubba where’s my rubber!”

If Merkel’s allegations are true it would be the biggest political scandal since Ronald Reagan asked Margaret Thatcher to give him oral sex under the table at a royal banquet at The Guild Hall, London in 1987.

2 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire

MP’s Wife’s Shame As Husband Dies Of Natural Causes


The Speaker looking visibly shaken after announcing the death of Mr Phillips to The House Of Commons last night.

The wife of a prominent Tory MP was left to face the music last night as it was revealed that her husband of 35 years, John Philips, MP for Billingsgate in London,  had passed away peacefully in his sleep showing absolutely no signs of having been involved in some kind of depraved sexual practice whatsoever.

Mrs Sandra Phillips of 25 Mablethorpe Avenue, Bromley By Bow, East London. Tel: 077423459837, asked that her name and address be withheld as she tries to come to terms with her shame. Weeping openly and often fighting to regain her composure Mrs Phillips, 55, revealed “This has all come as such a terrible shock. I woke up on Wednesday morning and found John lying dead beside me. Naturally I assumed it was as a direct result of some sickening act of auto-eroticism, but to my horror I soon realised that he’d died of heart failure and that there were no vile, seedy, extenuating circumstances whatsoever.

“Naturally I tried to disguise the fact by dressing him in a giant nappy and ramming a ball gag in his mouth before the ambulance arrived but there just wasn’t time. The deep sense of shame I felt when the paramedics told me he’d passed away peacefully in his sleep will live with me forever”

​Mrs Philips, herself a prominent London human rights solicitor, went on. “I knew almost immediately after the wedding that things weren’t quite right.  He began coming to bed in his pyjama’s and then falling asleep without making any gut wrenchingly abhorrent sexual demands. Things had seemed so normal during our courtship, and even on our first date he instructed me to flagellate his nether regions with a barbed leather flail and asked me if I’d be prepared to indulge in a heinous act of extreme watersports. I thought all my girlhood dreams had come true to be honest but I now realise he was just lulling me into a false sense of security.​

​​”Things then began to go downhill at an alarming rate and his sickening depravity seemed to tail right off. Things came to a head a few weeks before the wedding when he asked me to come to bed in a Winceyette nightie and then set the alarm clock before going to sleep. Naturally I was appalled and should have heard all the warning bells, but like all impressionable young girls I was blinded by love and thought things would improve with time.

​”The real hammer blow however came on our honeymoon in Bali when he spent 3 or 4 minutes in the bathroom cleaning his teeth before coming to bed and making love to me in the missionary position for around 5 or 6 minutes. He then just calmly rolled over and fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep that night and the sheer horror of his actions will be with me until my final breath. I just felt so used and dirty.

​”To protect their feelings I’ve told our three children that Daddy passed away in a filthy rub and tug parlour in Walthamstow as a result of being asphyxiated and flagellated to death by some weary, overweight tugboat in stockings and suspenders. However, what they’ll make of it when the true circumstances come to light I dread to think to be honest. All I ever asked of him during our long marriage was that he indulge in a few nauseating sexual practices from time to time and occasionally got caught in an appallingly embarrassing situation by one of the Sunday papers. I just feel numb at the moment. I feel as if he’s let me, his party and the entire family down.

​The Prime Minister made a brief statement from outside a Thai, bondage and S & M den last night in which he stated. “While we mourn the death of a well loved and hard working colleague and friend, the party of course would never condone this type of unacceptable behaviour. This great party of ours has been built on a proud history of appalling, and at times, downright nauseatingly vile sexual excesses and as long as I’m at the helm these sickening practices will continue unabated. Our thoughts and prayers however must go out to his wife and family at this terribly difficult time”.

​Mr Philips funeral will be held next Thursday at All Saints Church, Cripplegate, London when it’s believed his body will be displayed in a glass top coffin wearing a baby doll nightie and skin-diving flippers to save the family further distress.

1 Comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

Italian Government To Pardon War Heroes

A small band of Italian special forces launch a furious assault on a gents outfitters at the height of The Battle Of The Bulge.

 

 

In a move that will gladden the hearts of the families of Italian servicemen who displayed remarkable courage in the face of the enemy during World War II, the Italian government are set to grant an official pardon that will finally exonerate the  tiny handful of soldiers concerned.

A spokesman for the Italian defence ministry issued a statement last night “We feel that it’s unfair for families of ex servicemen, many of whom were quite unnecessarily  killed in action, to continue to bear the stigma attached to any form of heroism shown by our troops during the last war, and so with this in mind, the government has decided to issue any soldier, who failed to surrender to The Allies almost as soon as war broke out, with a pardon. While we can never condone any form of valour or fighting spirit shown in the face of the enemy we do feel that it’s time that the innocent living relatives of these, thankfully few individuals, can hold their heads up in public again and begin to rebuild their lives”

Last night we spoke to the grandson of Corporal Guiseppe Meo, an infantryman who saw action during the Allied invasion of Sicily, and who lost his life while rescuing a wounded colleague, despite being under a murderous barrage of British machine gun fire.. “This is absolutely wonderful news, not just for my family but for all the relatives that have had to live their lives under a dark cloud of shame due to the selfless and admirable heroism of their fathers and grandfathers. My father used to tell me of the terrible bullying he had to undergo at school when word got out that my grandfather had shown great courage under fire, instead of throwing in the towel without firing a shot, like the fathers of all the other kids in the school. My grandmother suffered greatly too, she was tarred and feathered in the town square and had “War Hero’s Whore” painted on her front door.”

We tried to get a statement from the Italian armed forces last night but when they saw us coming they all locked themselves in the toilet

Image plundered from the web by Clivey but you never heard me say that, right?

2 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire

Queen Victoria Gave Captain Scott Hand Relief Before Polar Expedition Claims Historian


Queen Victoria goes through a brief warm-up routine before welcoming back Sir David Livingstone following his epic African adventure.

In a sensational speech to The Royal Geographical Society, the noted historian Sir Michael Carter claims to have seen documentary evidence that Queen Victoria masturbated iconic polar explorer Captain Robert Scott to completion a week before his first 1901 trek to reach the South Pole “for luck”

Carter told a stunned assembly that he’d gained access to a diary Scott had written in the weeks leading up to the expedition, which told of an audience with the ageing monarch and which ended with her administering hand relief to him as a token of her good wishes before setting off.

According to the diary she then clipped off a small tuft of her pubic hair and told Scott to keep it with him at all times and to show it to other expedition members whenever conditions became too severe to continue. She advised him that it would rally the men to see royal pubes and would encourage them to redouble their efforts to fulfil their quest.

If found to be true, this would not be the first time a member of the royal family has given sexual favours to a chosen pioneer, as it’s now widely accepted that Queen Elizabeth I gave Sir Walter Raleigh a morale boosting nosh the day before he set off to discover The New World.

Image by Mina

4 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire

A Quick Word Of Thanks…

To all of you that have displayed such appallingly bad judgement in following this rather taxing little blog of mine. It really is much appreciated and if I can bring a few smiles and inject a little humour then this work in progress is going pretty much to plan so thanks again guys.

I shall now don my smoking jacket, light my curly meerschaum pipe and retire to my study to play a few plaintive airs on the violin before penning a load of old toot about pop stars with big faces and agony aunts with attitude problems etc.

All the best to every man and woman jack of you and as we say in East London…Be lucky 🙂

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Olly Murs’s Big Face To Save “Falling Tower Of Pisa”

 
Image
He got a big face!
Civil engineers in Italy have announced plans to stabilise the precarious state of The Leaning Tower Of Pisa by using the massive face of British pop icon Olly Murs as a secondary foundation. The plan is to excavate deep under the existing foundations and then slide Murs’s huge face into position using hydraulic rams positioned behind his feet while he lays down .

 
A spokesman for Pisa City Council said. “First of all we plan to burrow under The Leaning Tower Of Pisa using a giant boring machine, like the one that used to come out of Thunderbird 2. We will then gradually ease Olly Murs’s  gigantic face into position before pouring lots of concrete in afterwards. Hopefully this will stabilise The Leaning Tower Of Pisa and stop people from worrying, especially the people that live close to it.”
 
Murs’s mother, Diane, 109, said last night. “It’s absolutely fabulous news that Olly’s  bloody great dial is going to be used in a project as exciting and worthwhile as stabilising The Leaning Tower Of Pisa. His father and I are absolutely thrilled”
 
The project is believed to be costing several million pounds and will be the most innovative and daring feat of engineering since a highway from Florida USA to Alaska was constructed on the gigantic, botoxed forehead of Simon Cowell

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire, Showbiz

Dorking Ripper Claims 9th Victim. Police Baffled.

The quiet, rural town of Dorking in Surrey, was in the icy grip of terror last night as news broke of yet another brutal attack on a female resident The woman, in her 60s, was making her way home from a Women’s Institute meeting during the early part of Tuesday evening.

This is the 9th such incident in the last year by the fiend, who has earned the grim nickname The Dorking Ripper, and whose murderous attacks have left police baffled, and the townsfolk afraid to leave their homes after dark.

His modus operandi is always the same. His victims are always female and aged between 45 and 90. He always strikes after dark and chooses quiet, ill lit, non-residential areas to ply his macabre trade. He approaches his victims, and in what they afterwards describe, as a friendly and open manner, will ask for directions, or the whereabouts of the nearest pub. Then, as soon as the woman starts to reply, the fiend pulls out a sheet of blank A4 paper, rips it into shreds, and throws it in the victim’s face before running away.

His latest victim, Mrs Dolores Mason, aged 58, told reporters. “I’ll never forget the look on his face as he ripped up that sheet of paper and hurled it into my face. His eyes were crazed, like those of a wild animal, and there was drool running down his chin. It was terrifying!” .

​Det Insp. Alan Hargreaves of Surrey Constabulary, held a press conference last night in which he stated. “We are clearly dealing with a very dangerous, and obviously deranged, individual, and we urge the public not to approach him, especially if you’ve got any paper on you. At present we’re working on a number of leads, including a series of cryptic messages we have received from the man we suspect may be responsible for these crimes.

​He then showed reporters a brief slideshow of the messages, either found at the scene, or sent to police headquarters. The first, which was scrawled in red ink on a torn scrap of what appeared to be A4 printer paper, simply said:

“From Hell

Dear Boss. I’m down on paper and I won’t stop ripping till I’ve run out. Catch your saucy Jack if you can.”

The second message, which police found daubed in bright red paint in a stairwell close to the scene of one of the outrages, was even more cryptic and said. “The SOZ is the ones wot  won’t be blamed for nothing.”

This may well be a grim reference to The SOZ satirical magazine, which has a well earned, and unsavoury reputation, for furiously ripping up sheets of paper, particularly those presented by would-be contributors for sub editing..

Insp. Mason then went on. “At present we’re concentrating our efforts on long distance lorry drivers, as it’s a well known fact that they are all, almost without exception, crazed, psychotic, murderers, who wouldn’t think twice about strangling teenage hitch-hikers  before disposing of their bodies in ditches. It stands to reason it’ll be one of them really. Either that or it might be Prince Philip. I mean to say, if you can take out Lady Di you’re pretty much capable of anything to be fair”

“At this stage we advise all members of the public to stay indoors during the hours of darkness, and to be especially wary about going out if a thick fog is swirling around eerily, and particularly, if the gaslights are casting a long shadow on the wall of a tall, cloaked figure, wearing a top hat and carrying a bit of paper”.

In a completely separate incident, the body of a 42 year old prostitute has been discovered in a small square, just off the town centre, by a policeman with a cape and a lamp. Her corpse had been hideously mutilated, her uterus had been severed from her womb, and her entrails draped across her shoulder. However the police are dismissing the incident as insignificant, and, almost certainly, the work of a harmless copy cat prankster.

2 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire, Uncategorized

Soldier Runs Amok In Government Think Tank

Image

A 19 year old soldier was being held in custody last night amid reports that he stole a government think tank from outside a Ministry Of Defence building before embarking on a trail of destruction across West London, during which the tank’s weaponry was deployed and a number of ridiculous, unworkable ideas were strewn across the streets.

One woman, who was pushing a child in a buggy during the incident, looked visibly shaken as she revealed  “I was just nipping down the shops to get a packet of fags and a loaf when this huge government think tank came hurtling round the corner. It was clearly out of control. People were scattering all over the place, cars were being crushed and everything. I was absolutely terrified I don’t mind telling you ,especially when a great shedload  of paper came out of the top bit. Me and little Rhianna were almost drowned in proposed legislation for an extension to The Hangar Flyover.”

Another witness, Dennis Mason 67 from Pimlico, said. “I’ve never seen anything like it to be fair. One minute I was taking a leisurely stroll along The Embankment and the next I’m being blitzed with proposals to opt out of the EU, along with documents outlining proposed legislation to control lap dancing premises. I could quite easily have been killed”.

The man currently being held, Lance Corporal James Blythe of the 2nd Battalion Queens Own Lancers told arresting officers. “I’m really sorry about all this. I’ve let myself down and worst of all I’ve let the regiment and my mates down. I’d had such a bloody good skinful that I didn’t know if I wanted a shit or a haircut to be honest with you. I just saw the tank parked up with nobody standing guard, so I thought I’d jump in and drive it round to my girlfriend’s house. We’d had a bit of an up and a downer earlier on and I thought if I went round to hers in a think tank she might forgive me and let me in for a brew and a bunk up”

Blythe is due to appear at Bow Street magistrate’s court at 11.00pm this morning.

Image by Mina

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

The Casebook Of Menopausal Meg. “I’m Too Tiny For Love”

Dear Meg

I’m a 25 year old male who, despite being reasonably attractive, still hasn’t slept with a girl. My problem lies in the size of my penis which is only 4″ long when erect. Despite having had quite a few girls show an interest in me, I’m scared that once they see me naked it will put them off and that they might even laugh at me.
Please help me Meg as I’m a kind person who has so much love to give if only I could find a way past this small problem.

Mitch Boddy
Portsmouth

Dear Mitch

“Small problem” being the operative word, you snivelling, insignificant, dickless wonder! Why dont you just accept the fact that you’re not even half a man and leave the female population to get themselves serviced by men that dont have to masturbate using a microscope and a pair of tweezers? I bet you’re one of these pathetic little worms that wont go in the showers at the rugby club until all the other real men have gone home aren’t you? Scared that they’ll catch a glimpse of your little soldier and start calling you “Mr Stumpy”

You make me sick to the pit of my stomach, do you know that? “Men” like you should be drowned in a bucket at birth by the midwife as soon as they spot your inadequacy. In point of fact why don’t you just kill yourself and do the rest of humanity a favour? Either that or go earn a living in a circus freak show, billed as “The Human Dog End”

Now fuck off out of it before I get a couple of my sons to pull your strides down at the checkout in Tescos and get their wives to laugh and point at your miserable little cory.

Best wishes for the future

Meg.

4 Comments

Filed under Humour, Personal, Satire