Monthly Archives: October 2013

“I’ve Never Actually Murdered Anyone” Truck Driver’s Shock Confession

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Some students that have been left completely unscathed by Sharples pictured last night.

The world of road haulage was in shock last night as Ron Sharples, a 67 year old retired lorry driver with over 30 years behind the wheel, revealed that during his entire career he has never once brutally murdered a hitch-hiker of either sex.

Sharples, speaking from a secret hideaway at 56 Millbrook Road, Devizes, Wiltshire. DVZ 29B, wept repeatedly as he revealed his shame. “It’s so hard to speak about this but I just couldn’t go on living this shameful lie a minute longer. For my own sake, and for the sake of all those poor souls that I didn’t hack to death in my cab, before burying their remains in shallow graves in wooded areas just off the A12, I just had to get it off my chest.

“God knows, I tried so hard to fight these terrible impulses to take hitch hikers to the places they wanted to go without making disgustingly inappropriate suggestions and then killing them in cold blood when they didn’t go along with my sick fantasies, but I just couldn’t help myself! I even used to let them change stations on my radio to suit their musical tastes, and on one occasion even shared my Yorkie with a 16 year old blonde female student, before dropping her off right outside her campus block. I then waited until she’d entered the building to make sure she got in safely. I feel so utterly ashamed!”

Sharples’ wife Ruby, 97, repeatedly broke down as she revealed. “For years I tried to ignore all the signs, and told myself that there must be a perfectly innocent explanation for all the times when I’ve put his clothes in the washing machine and noticed a complete lack of bloodstains or brain tissue from his slaughtered victims, but at the back of my mind I knew there was something terribly wrong, and that there was a possibility that he’d never butchered or even brutally sexually assaulted anyone. How I’m going to break this to our grandchildren I just don’t know”

A spokesperson for the truckers union looked visibly shaken as he issued a statement from Ripper House, the road haulage association’s HQ, last night “I should just like to say that the union completely abhors, and distances itself, from the actions of this one lone maniac, and I just hope it doesn’t mar the proud, long standing tradition of our industry, which down the years can boast some of the most vilified, psychotic, swivel-eyed murderous brutes this great country of hours has ever seen. What Peter Sutcliffe will think when he reads about this I shudder to think”

Detective Inspector Ian Fanshawe of Wiltshire Constabulary issued the following statement. “We became aware of this man’s activities about 12 years ago when a 19 year old Danish exchange student reported that she’d been callously dropped off in the town centre by a lorry driver fitting Sharple’s description, and that during the journey he’d subjected her to a sickening 3 hour long ordeal, during which he asked about her studies, and whether it was always dark for 6 months of the year in Copenhagen. I can only apologise to the public and to offer our deepest sympathy to all those unfortunate young people that he has left completely unscathed down the years”

​It’s understood that Sharples now plans to leave the UK, and will be given the opportunity to begin a new life in an undisclosed safe house, at Flat 3B Rua Dos Ingleses, Lisboa, Portugal

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Drunk Slams Cops “They Accused Me Of Having Parkinson’s Disease”

                                           Mr Ford Pictured Speaking To Reporters Last Night

​A 23 year old London man has spoken of his ordeal at the hands of police officers, who mistook his erratic, drunken behaviour in the street, for Parkinson’s disease, and kept him locked in a police cell for 24 hours.

​Tony Ford, from Pimlico, West London, told reporters that his ordeal began last Saturday night, after a bout of heavy drinking in a pub close to his home. “It was just a normal Saturday night really. I started on the grog at around 6.00pm and must have tucked away about 10 pints and a couple of scotches by the time I left the boozer at 11.00 or so.

“I was staggering down the street, minding my own business, when a police car pulled up alongside me. Two officers got out and started accusing me of having Parkinson’s Disease. I tried to protest my innocence, but they just wouldn’t listen and bundled me into the back of the patrol car.

“They took me down the local nick at Ebury Bridge, and flung me in a cell. It was absolutely outrageous to be honest. I was cooped up all night with a couple of other blokes, one of whom was twitching about all over the shop and was clearly suffering from Parkinson’s, while the other appeared to have Alzheimer’s Disease, as he was wandering aimlessly around the cell and kept forgetting where he was..

“They didn’t release me until around 11.00am the next day, by which time I was in a terrible state. I was shaking like a shitting dog, and had a mouth like the bottom of a baby’s pram. The officer that opened the cell was quite abusive to be honest and called me “a waste of space” and “A f******g parky”

“​I was then released on bail and told to go down the hospital and to “get myself sorted out”  It was a night I’ll never forget in all honesty. To be an innocent, incoherent drunk, vomiting in front gardens and pissing in shop doorways, only to be accused of having a progressive, and increasingly debilitating disease is something I wouldn’t wish on my own worst enemy.”

​This latest incident follows on the heels of a similar case last month, when an 18 year old drunken girl, spotted by police lying outside a nightclub in a pool of her own vomit, was arrested, and later released on bail, after being charged with suspected epilepsy.

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Justine Bieber Voted “Most Torturable Celeb” By London Underworld

ImageIn a survey of London’s underworld, it has emerged that Canadian pop sensation, Justin Bieber, is the celebrity that gangsters would most like to subject to torture.

Bieber, 11, just pipped  pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell, and fellow irritant, Piers Morgan, in the poll, which took in over 300 pubs and spielers in the heart of London’s notorious East End.

One of those polled, “Maltese Billy” Drago, told us “It was a pretty tough choice to make to be perfectly honest with you. I mean to say, who wouldn’t relish the prospect of giving Simon Cowell a good striping with a butcher’s knife, or the opportunity of crucifying Piers Morgan on a snooker table? In the end though I had to go with Bieber. The boy’s absolutely crying out to have his Jacobs crushed in a vice while his teeth are being dragged out of his mouth with a pair of mole grips”

A spokesperson for Justin Bieber’s record company said last night “Justin’s understandably a bit upset to discover that he’s the celeb that London’s underworld most want to hospitalise, but at the same time he fully accepts that it’s the price that sometimes has to be paid for being such an irritating, talentless, little turd”

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Government Urges Elderly To Practice Tantric Sex To Beat The Winter Chill

An elderly woman practises faking an orgasm as news breaks of the latest govt proposal.

With fuel prices seemingly spiralling out of control, accompanied by a growing number of elderly people struggling to meet the cost of heating their homes, the Home Office have issued guidelines on how Britain’s growing population of pensioners can cheaply and effectively guard against the ravages of hypothermia this coming winter.

Among the suggestions put forward which include more effective home insulation and wearing warmer clothing, is the proposal that Britain’s senior citizens learn, and then put into practice, the art of tantric sex, in which couples make vigorous love for long periods, sometimes even for days, with only short breaks to eat and go to the toilet.

Home Secretary Theresa May backed the proposal last night, saying “This government are fully committed to giving every possible assistance to our elderly people, and if this means advising them to go at it full pelt in a variety of unlikely positions then so be it. I mean to say Sting has been doing it for years and you don’t hear him complaining of feeling cold during the winter months or of having his electric cut off in the middle of January for not paying his bill do you?”

Reaction among the elderly themselves was a little mixed when our reporter went out and about in the London Borough Of Tower Hamlets last night.

Mr Bill Hinds, 97, said “I’m all for it to be honest with you. I can’t wait to get my heating bills down by giving the missus a bloody good back scuttling over the ironing board for hours on end. I’ve always been a Labour supporter but on this occasion I have to take my hat off to the Tories and the Liberals. It’s high time they did something for the pensioners of this country. Let’s be honest we haven’t got much else to do apart from watching telly or going down the pub for a game of dominoes and a pint”

However, Mrs Vera Stutters, 89, had some reservations. “I’m not at all sure about this dear” she said “I’ve not had relations with my Albert since the night Lady Di got married and to be honest we only did that as a mark of respect to the royal couple. Not only that but I’m not sure he’s up to it these days. Suppose he has one of his falls when he’s giving me the good news on top of the sideboard? And then there’s the cat, who’s going to feed Toby while we’re at it like knives for days on end. No I think I’ll just wrap up warm again like I always do dear”

This proposal, if accepted by both houses, will be the most radical energy saving move since Enoch Powell urged Britain’s poor to set fire to a darkie to ward off the chill during The Big Freeze of 1962/63.

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Donner Und Titzen! Obama Spied On Me In The Ladies Room Claims Angela Merkel.

                         Obama pictured during the recent arms discussions asking Chancellor Merkel if she’s wearing any.

German chancellor Angela Merkel last night made the astonishing claim that US president Barack Obama spied on her as she visited the ladies lavatory at The White House during a recent visit. She also accused him of ogling her during the state banquet and of using “inappropriate language”  during discussions on arms proliferation in The Middle East.

Speaking to reporters at a press conference Merkel said

“It was an experience I’ll never forget and I certainly won’t be going back there in a hurry I can tell you. Mr Obama’s behaviour throughout was disgraceful and inappropriate right from the word go in my opinion”.

“As soon as we met he made me feel uncomfortable by licking my face as we exchanged pleasantries and he then rubbed himself against me just before we parted. It was quite clear to me that he was physically aroused”

“It was even worse at the banquet where he constantly ogled my breasts whilst sitting opposite me and kept dropping his fork on the floor so that he could look up my skirt”

“Worst of all however, was when I made a visit to the ladies toilet and sat down inside one of the traps. I was right in the middle of dropping the kids off at the pool when Obama slid his head under the door and asked if I needed company. I felt violated to be perfectly honest and couldn’t wait to get the hell out and back to Berlin.”

Obama made a brief statement last night in which he claims that there is no truth whatsoever in Mrs Merkel’s claim. “Angela Merkel! You’re kidding me right? I wouldn’t even touch her with Newt Gingrich’s dude! Now if we were talking about that little honey that runs Ireland right now, that would be another matter entirely. Hot damn I’d crawl 200 metres naked over broken glass just to smell one of her farts. Hubba hubba where’s my rubber!”

If Merkel’s allegations are true it would be the biggest political scandal since Ronald Reagan asked Margaret Thatcher to give him oral sex under the table at a royal banquet at The Guild Hall, London in 1987.

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MP’s Wife’s Shame As Husband Dies Of Natural Causes


The Speaker looking visibly shaken after announcing the death of Mr Phillips to The House Of Commons last night.

The wife of a prominent Tory MP was left to face the music last night as it was revealed that her husband of 35 years, John Philips, MP for Billingsgate in London,  had passed away peacefully in his sleep showing absolutely no signs of having been involved in some kind of depraved sexual practice whatsoever.

Mrs Sandra Phillips of 25 Mablethorpe Avenue, Bromley By Bow, East London. Tel: 077423459837, asked that her name and address be withheld as she tries to come to terms with her shame. Weeping openly and often fighting to regain her composure Mrs Phillips, 55, revealed “This has all come as such a terrible shock. I woke up on Wednesday morning and found John lying dead beside me. Naturally I assumed it was as a direct result of some sickening act of auto-eroticism, but to my horror I soon realised that he’d died of heart failure and that there were no vile, seedy, extenuating circumstances whatsoever.

“Naturally I tried to disguise the fact by dressing him in a giant nappy and ramming a ball gag in his mouth before the ambulance arrived but there just wasn’t time. The deep sense of shame I felt when the paramedics told me he’d passed away peacefully in his sleep will live with me forever”

​Mrs Philips, herself a prominent London human rights solicitor, went on. “I knew almost immediately after the wedding that things weren’t quite right.  He began coming to bed in his pyjama’s and then falling asleep without making any gut wrenchingly abhorrent sexual demands. Things had seemed so normal during our courtship, and even on our first date he instructed me to flagellate his nether regions with a barbed leather flail and asked me if I’d be prepared to indulge in a heinous act of extreme watersports. I thought all my girlhood dreams had come true to be honest but I now realise he was just lulling me into a false sense of security.​

​​”Things then began to go downhill at an alarming rate and his sickening depravity seemed to tail right off. Things came to a head a few weeks before the wedding when he asked me to come to bed in a Winceyette nightie and then set the alarm clock before going to sleep. Naturally I was appalled and should have heard all the warning bells, but like all impressionable young girls I was blinded by love and thought things would improve with time.

​”The real hammer blow however came on our honeymoon in Bali when he spent 3 or 4 minutes in the bathroom cleaning his teeth before coming to bed and making love to me in the missionary position for around 5 or 6 minutes. He then just calmly rolled over and fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep that night and the sheer horror of his actions will be with me until my final breath. I just felt so used and dirty.

​”To protect their feelings I’ve told our three children that Daddy passed away in a filthy rub and tug parlour in Walthamstow as a result of being asphyxiated and flagellated to death by some weary, overweight tugboat in stockings and suspenders. However, what they’ll make of it when the true circumstances come to light I dread to think to be honest. All I ever asked of him during our long marriage was that he indulge in a few nauseating sexual practices from time to time and occasionally got caught in an appallingly embarrassing situation by one of the Sunday papers. I just feel numb at the moment. I feel as if he’s let me, his party and the entire family down.

​The Prime Minister made a brief statement from outside a Thai, bondage and S & M den last night in which he stated. “While we mourn the death of a well loved and hard working colleague and friend, the party of course would never condone this type of unacceptable behaviour. This great party of ours has been built on a proud history of appalling, and at times, downright nauseatingly vile sexual excesses and as long as I’m at the helm these sickening practices will continue unabated. Our thoughts and prayers however must go out to his wife and family at this terribly difficult time”.

​Mr Philips funeral will be held next Thursday at All Saints Church, Cripplegate, London when it’s believed his body will be displayed in a glass top coffin wearing a baby doll nightie and skin-diving flippers to save the family further distress.

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Italian Government To Pardon War Heroes

A small band of Italian special forces launch a furious assault on a gents outfitters at the height of The Battle Of The Bulge.

 

 

In a move that will gladden the hearts of the families of Italian servicemen who displayed remarkable courage in the face of the enemy during World War II, the Italian government are set to grant an official pardon that will finally exonerate the  tiny handful of soldiers concerned.

A spokesman for the Italian defence ministry issued a statement last night “We feel that it’s unfair for families of ex servicemen, many of whom were quite unnecessarily  killed in action, to continue to bear the stigma attached to any form of heroism shown by our troops during the last war, and so with this in mind, the government has decided to issue any soldier, who failed to surrender to The Allies almost as soon as war broke out, with a pardon. While we can never condone any form of valour or fighting spirit shown in the face of the enemy we do feel that it’s time that the innocent living relatives of these, thankfully few individuals, can hold their heads up in public again and begin to rebuild their lives”

Last night we spoke to the grandson of Corporal Guiseppe Meo, an infantryman who saw action during the Allied invasion of Sicily, and who lost his life while rescuing a wounded colleague, despite being under a murderous barrage of British machine gun fire.. “This is absolutely wonderful news, not just for my family but for all the relatives that have had to live their lives under a dark cloud of shame due to the selfless and admirable heroism of their fathers and grandfathers. My father used to tell me of the terrible bullying he had to undergo at school when word got out that my grandfather had shown great courage under fire, instead of throwing in the towel without firing a shot, like the fathers of all the other kids in the school. My grandmother suffered greatly too, she was tarred and feathered in the town square and had “War Hero’s Whore” painted on her front door.”

We tried to get a statement from the Italian armed forces last night but when they saw us coming they all locked themselves in the toilet

Image plundered from the web by Clivey but you never heard me say that, right?

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