“I’ve Never Actually Murdered Anyone” Truck Driver’s Shock Confession

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Some students that have been left completely unscathed by Sharples pictured last night.

The world of road haulage was in shock last night as Ron Sharples, a 67 year old retired lorry driver with over 30 years behind the wheel, revealed that during his entire career he has never once brutally murdered a hitch-hiker of either sex.

Sharples, speaking from a secret hideaway at 56 Millbrook Road, Devizes, Wiltshire. DVZ 29B, wept repeatedly as he revealed his shame. “It’s so hard to speak about this but I just couldn’t go on living this shameful lie a minute longer. For my own sake, and for the sake of all those poor souls that I didn’t hack to death in my cab, before burying their remains in shallow graves in wooded areas just off the A12, I just had to get it off my chest.

“God knows, I tried so hard to fight these terrible impulses to take hitch hikers to the places they wanted to go without making disgustingly inappropriate suggestions and then killing them in cold blood when they didn’t go along with my sick fantasies, but I just couldn’t help myself! I even used to let them change stations on my radio to suit their musical tastes, and on one occasion even shared my Yorkie with a 16 year old blonde female student, before dropping her off right outside her campus block. I then waited until she’d entered the building to make sure she got in safely. I feel so utterly ashamed!”

Sharples’ wife Ruby, 97, repeatedly broke down as she revealed. “For years I tried to ignore all the signs, and told myself that there must be a perfectly innocent explanation for all the times when I’ve put his clothes in the washing machine and noticed a complete lack of bloodstains or brain tissue from his slaughtered victims, but at the back of my mind I knew there was something terribly wrong, and that there was a possibility that he’d never butchered or even brutally sexually assaulted anyone. How I’m going to break this to our grandchildren I just don’t know”

A spokesperson for the truckers union looked visibly shaken as he issued a statement from Ripper House, the road haulage association’s HQ, last night “I should just like to say that the union completely abhors, and distances itself, from the actions of this one lone maniac, and I just hope it doesn’t mar the proud, long standing tradition of our industry, which down the years can boast some of the most vilified, psychotic, swivel-eyed murderous brutes this great country of hours has ever seen. What Peter Sutcliffe will think when he reads about this I shudder to think”

Detective Inspector Ian Fanshawe of Wiltshire Constabulary issued the following statement. “We became aware of this man’s activities about 12 years ago when a 19 year old Danish exchange student reported that she’d been callously dropped off in the town centre by a lorry driver fitting Sharple’s description, and that during the journey he’d subjected her to a sickening 3 hour long ordeal, during which he asked about her studies, and whether it was always dark for 6 months of the year in Copenhagen. I can only apologise to the public and to offer our deepest sympathy to all those unfortunate young people that he has left completely unscathed down the years”

​It’s understood that Sharples now plans to leave the UK, and will be given the opportunity to begin a new life in an undisclosed safe house, at Flat 3B Rua Dos Ingleses, Lisboa, Portugal

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1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

One response to ““I’ve Never Actually Murdered Anyone” Truck Driver’s Shock Confession

  1. “What Peter Sutcliffe will think when he reads about this I shudder to think” Now there’s a sentence I’d never thought I’d read! Plainly, this is a worrying circumstance for Sharples yet I doubt for one moment he ever shared his Yorkie. Great stuff.

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