Rankin’ Papa Dee. Yardie Relationship Counsellor

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Dear Papa Dee

Over the last few months I’ve become convinced that my wife is having an affair. She’s 23 and I’m in my early 60s. Just lately I’ve noticed her taking much more care over her appearance and she’s begun wearing a lot of revealing outfits, particularly at weekends when she often doesn’t return home until the early hours of Monday morning after setting out on Friday evening. She has also become very secretive with her phone, swearing and lashing out if I go anywhere near it. I’m now at my wits end as I love her very much and don’t want to lose her. Is there anything I can do to get her to spend more time with me and to go out less?

Rankin’ Papa Dee ‘im say.

Lawd Jesus! Easy now me bredrin. Nah get so vex sah! When da poom poom start to neglect their duties dem, you ‘ave to put dem under some bloodclaat ‘eavy manners me yoot. First ting you ‘ave to do is throw some ‘ard wood pon her man. Nah tek no for an answer me bredrin. Jus ‘old ‘er down to raass and  drive some ‘eavy, ‘eavy wood pon dat poom poom till she learn some manners dem. She will respeck you when you done made your water sah.

Next ting is to tek care of de rival yoot . Tek up a ratchet and a pistol and put em in yo waist brudder. Den go pon dis boombaclaat’s yard and shoot ‘im up and cut off ‘im lilly cock wid da rachet.

When you done all dem ting and dis pussyclaat ‘im dead, go back pon your yard and tell de bloodclaat wife to get in da kitchen and make up a whole ‘eap o’ curry goat and dumplin’, cos you is ‘ungry to raass after mashing up ‘er lilly bwoifriend and killin’ im claaat.

Blessed love me bredrin

Rankin’ Papa Dee.

Image of me looking a little more righteous than usual by Mina.

Character inspired by my good friend and blessed yoot Carl *Shakey* Shakes

5 Comments

Filed under Humour, Personal, Satire

5 responses to “Rankin’ Papa Dee. Yardie Relationship Counsellor

  1. Sir, you have once more crafted a masterpiece. Not able to bring myself to watch Spurs on the telly I had just sat down and started to pen a note for a future post on the subject of ‘St. Eric the Matador (the Patron Saint of Kick Boxers)’ thinking to myself this will be something special! I stop to take a break to ponder the potential post and idly checked the ‘Reader thing’ when I stumble upon this. The net result is that I’ve have now ripped up my notes in anger thinking ‘Bollocks to St. Eric’ as I did so! Excellent stuff!

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    • Thanks Mike. I too baulked violently at the prospect of watching “Tottingham” stumbling to yet another jammy win so decided to put finger to keyboard instead.
      Ironically and rather tragically the West Indian guy who inspired the piece is an ardent Spuds fan. I’ve tried singing “Bubbles” to the brute but he just wont see reason.
      I’m glad you enjoyed the piece and more than a little amazed you could fathom the patois.
      Roots! 🙂

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  2. Send video footage of that or it didn’t happen. I don’t think I’ve ever yearned to have been a fly on the wall as I yearn right now Mike 🙂
    I had to smile at the “Tornton Heat” reference btw as my other half hails from South Norwood, which, as any student of the foul hinterland that is south of the river will tell you, borders that rather exclusive little manor and I ALWAYS remove the aitches and adopt a broad Jamaican accent whenever I’m unfortunate enough to have to refer to the place.
    Not a lot of people know that 🙂

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  3. Even better, when Shirl finds herself ordering breakfast in any cafe on or about the South Circular her request for ‘Bak-ed-a bee-ans & Beercan’ has turned the head of many a Rasta! I shall attempt to get son George who understands technical things to video a replay of the event in due course!

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