1 – War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy.
“Blimey that Napoleon’s a bit of a mouthy bleeder Ivan. I see trouble ahead mate”
BOOM BOOM BLAM BOOM KAPOW BIFF GNNNNNNNN!
“Christ thank God that’s over Katerina. Peace at last! Gissa kiss Treacle”
2 – Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
“It’s a boy Mr Bumble. The mother died in childbirth the poor wretch”
“Bow to the board boy!”
“You gotta pick a pocket or two Oliver my dear”
“I’m your long lost grandad. Here’s a load of lovely lolly, now come and live in my big old drum in London”
3 – Moby Dick by Herman Melville
“I’m gonna get me that darn white sonofabitch if it kills me!”
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *glub glub etc*
4 – Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevski.
“Blimey I’m skint again. I think I’ll go and turn over that curmudgeonly old money lender woman and her half daft daughter. I hope I don’t murder them”
“I love you darling and I’ll marry you as soon as I get out of the nick”
5 – Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen
“I hate that Mr Darcy big time. He’s such a flash monkey with his big house and condescending attitude”
SPLASH! *swim swim puff pant wheeze*
“Oh I dunno though. He’s not as bad as I thought to be fair. Hop on Mr D xxxxxxxxx”
to be continued ad nauseum until you all slump face first into the soup bowl…