Clivey’s Heavily Edited Classics # Eleventy Five

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1 – War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy.

“Blimey that Napoleon’s a bit of a mouthy bleeder Ivan. I see trouble ahead mate”

BOOM BOOM BLAM BOOM KAPOW BIFF GNNNNNNNN!

“Christ thank God that’s over Katerina. Peace at last! Gissa kiss Treacle”

2 – Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

“It’s a boy Mr Bumble. The mother died in childbirth the poor wretch”

“Bow to the board boy!”

“You gotta pick a pocket or two Oliver my dear”

“I’m your long lost grandad. Here’s a load of lovely lolly, now come and live in my big old drum in London”

3 – Moby Dick by Herman Melville

“I’m gonna get me that darn white sonofabitch if it kills me!”

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *glub glub etc*

4 – Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevski.

“Blimey I’m skint again. I think I’ll go and turn over that curmudgeonly old money lender woman and her half daft daughter. I hope I don’t murder them”

“Doh!”

“I love you darling and I’ll marry you as soon as I get out of the nick”

5 – Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen

“I hate that Mr Darcy big time. He’s such a flash monkey with his big house and condescending attitude”

SPLASH! *swim swim puff pant wheeze*

“Oh I dunno though. He’s not as bad as I thought to be fair. Hop on Mr D xxxxxxxxx”

to be continued ad nauseum until you all slump face first into the soup bowl…

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Filed under Humour, Satire

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