Monthly Archives: October 2013

Facebook Frendzzzz

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Hi Guyz! Only me again……..you remember……..Verapopzzz. You must remember me! I’m such a great laugh and have lotzz and lotzz of luvlee FB frendzzzz who think the absolute world of me and wouldn’t dream of mercilessly mugging  me off behind my back. Christ no!

Soon we’re all going to meet up for drinkzzz in a big park in London. Therezz going to be lotzzz and lotzzz of my bestest FB chumz there, and we’re going to give each other some really big (((((((HUGZZZZZZ))))))) and XOXOXOXO kisses because we all wuff each other SOOOOOOOO much, and of course, we all totally give a flying fuck about whether or not half of uz are dead before Christmazzz..

​I wudge having SOOOOOOO many luvlee frendzzz becos they make me so happy, and are always there whenever I lose the plot and show myself up like shit on my statuzzz.

Sumtimezz I might have a little meltdown and rant on about sum peeple needing to take a gud look at themselvezzzz, and generally acting the giddy arseole.  But my wuffly, ickle, FB frendzz never judge me or call me a mad fucker when I’m not looking. Thatzz becos they wudge me werry much.

Yezzzzzz they make me happy, happy, happy! In fact what with all my thousands of virtual frendzzz, none of whom are convicted nonces or paedophiles, oh dear me no, and my totally exciting social life with them all,  I’m, quite literally never home these days and it’s such a fabby larf, I must be the happiezzt person in the whole wide world!

​HAPPY…….HAPPY……HAPPY……HAPPY!

I’m going to kill myself later on.

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SITUATIONS VACANT: Doctor’s Receptionist Required.

An intern at doctor’s receptionist training school is put through her paces.

 

A busy but friendly Inner London general practice are pleased to announce they have a vacancy for an experienced receptionist to carry out light, threatening duties, and to fob off members of the public who exhibit potentially life threatening symptoms, by using snarled, dismissive statements such as, “Doctor’s far too busy today” and “We may be able to fit you in next Friday”

 

The hatchet faced, taciturn old tugboat we seek, should be able to curdle milk at a glance and reduce small children to tears with a single malevolent glare if they so much as fidget momentarily on their chair, or ask mummy to take them to the toilet.

 

A background in the prison service is preferable although not essential, similarly a cowering, pussywhipped, bespectacled worm of a husband at home would also count in the successful applicant’s favour.

 

A uniform consisting of a hideous, floral patterned dress, stout Girl Guide walking shoes  and flesh coloured opaque support stockings will be provided.

 

If you think you match any of the above criteria please march brusquely into the surgery with a face like thunder, push yourself to the front of the queue and demand to see the practice manager in a loud overbearing manner.

 

The annual salary of 29k will be paid per calendar month and is exclusive of any bribes or protection money you can extort from the sick or elderly.

Members of The Humane Society or anyone with the slightest hint of empathy towards people battling against illness need not apply.

 

Image by Mina

 

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SITUATIONS VACANT: Apprentice Motor Vehicle Technician Required.

A young hopeful waits patiently for interview.

A friendly, franchised garage in East London are seeking a disinterested, surly little bastard, for a varied number of tasks in our busy workshop.

The taciturn, spotty little turd we seek, should be totally unwilling to carry out any task we might suggest, and be able to grunt incoherently, and grudgingly haul himself from a chair sporting  a protruding lower lip, whenever called upon to do anything that’s vaguely approaching work.

An overbearing mother that will barge into the front office with a face like thunder, complaining on an almost daily basis that her child is being “treated like a bloody skivvy”, despite the fact he hasn’t lifted a finger for days, would also count in the successful applicant’s favour.

The complete inability to know one end of a spanner from the other will also be looked upon favourably, as will a ghastly prison pallor, a testament to spending weeks on end in the bedroom, playing on a hand held games consul.

Overalls, safety boots and ear defenders will all be provided, although a pair of ridiculous, baggy trousers, stolen trainers and a laughable baseball cap worn back to front, must be supplied by the applicant himself. Full training on masturbating into a sock will  also be provided, but applicants must be prepared to be thrown into the waste oil tank if caught by a senior technician.

​If you think you fulfil most, or all, of the above criteria, have rudimentary mumbling skills and all the personality and charm of a garden shed, get your mum or probation officer to scrawl a, largely illegible, piece of risibly punctuated drivel on one of our application forms, available on request and send to:

Teddy Prendergast Motors
Unit 4
The Arches
Cripplegate
East London

Image by Mina

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Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce Loose Women In 2014 Version

A few young hopefuls waiting for autographs and impregnation pictured outside Upton Park last night.

Table football icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a series of figures representing the gold digging floozies that throw themselves at Premier League players with an eye to getting in the family way by them, or selling their stories to the Sunday papers
Mr Christopher McManus, marketing director for the company, told us “We pride ourselves on our accurate representation of the world of professional football, so it seems  only logical that we produce a range of scantily clad hussies that will approach the players after each game and offer them sexual favours in return for a few glasses of bubbly and a chance to get themselves pregnant in a plush hotel room the very same evening.”
 “We intend to make a fairly extensive range of strumpets, with blondes, brunettes and the odd ginger one, just to be on the safe side”
 “Each model will come with a detachable base so that they can be laid on the pitch with their legs open, or even bent over a crush barrier, and sorted out in one of our model grandstands”
“To increase authenticity each figure will come with a small handbag containing cigarettes, makeup, a condom with holes in it and their knickers”
 The skilled  and diligent Subbuteo enthusiast will soon be able to flick these figures towards players as they come off the pitch. At the point of collision a small spring loaded device in the base will make all their clothes fall off.”
 “Our team of model makers are currently working on a heavily pregnant version who will turn up outside the dressing rooms before games demanding exorbitant maintenance payments along with a house and an Aston Martin.”
 When questioned as to whether a scheming rent boy version was being considered for gay players, Mr McManus said “Not at present as none of the players want to come out of the closet. The queer ones will just have to content themselves with having a crafty butchers  at their team mates nobs in the showers or masturbating furtively under the water in the communal bath”
 
Advance sales are reportedly brisk with the main interest coming from the Essex area.

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Lady Gaga: My Bad Romance With A Homeless Brit Vagrant


Gaga (pictured centre) takes a break from rehearsals with members of her dance troupe.

The showbiz world was stunned last night as eccentric pop princess, Lady Gaga, revealed to the press that on her last tour of the UK she conducted a tawdry love affair with a 67 year old homeless, alcoholic she’d met outside the O2 Arena following last year’s barnstorming, sellout gig.
The diva left reporters open-mouthed as she recounted her tale of feckless wandering with a “gentleman of the road” in January of last year.
Gaga told assembled media “I was just leaving the O2 with a few of my entourage when I noticed what appeared to be a bundle of rags heaped against the wall. I saw what I thought was movement and went over to investigate. Before I had a chance to slip on my Hause Of Gaga, PVC particle mask, a grizzled face emerged and I heard his sweet voice for the first time asking if I had any change and calling me his best mate.”
“As he climbed slowly to his feet, staggering slightly and clinging onto my shoulder for support, I noticed for the first time his ill fitting fetid trousers, stained with over a weeks worth of bodily secretions, his colourful facial bruises and the tiny flecks of sick in his rancid beard. Despite myself I moved closer and drank in the sweet alluring scent of stale Tennants Super on his breath and the heady aroma of dried piss that seemed to ooze from every fibre of his being. In that one life changing moment I was totally smitten and knew that come hell or high water I would have to make him mine”.
“The next few weeks were a heady, evil smelling blur as we spent every waking moment together, visiting bits of waste ground right across the country, sitting round burning sofas eating shoe polish and muttering to ourselves. We were half crazed with love and Lady Esquire Shoe Reconditioner. I can quite honestly say they were the happiest days I have ever known and that my personal hygiene descended to an all time low in his arms.
“He taught me so many new and wonderful things during our blissful time together. He showed me how to wander unsteadily round shopping precincts swilling from a 3 litre bottle of pikey cider. How to roar in people’s faces and the art of defecating into my trousers whilst carrying on a conversation with the police. He opened the door to tramp couture and demonstrated the best knots to use when tying the bit of string holding up my trousers. He instructed me in how to look poised and elegant as I staggered about all over the shop, carrying my entire worldly possessions in 8 carrier bags, and the art of partially slicing through the toecaps on my shoes so that they flapped about a bit when I walked along. He also taught me how to make the air around me so rancid and foetid that I’d end up having entire train carriages to myself and also the best equipped and warmest public libraries to go to if I needed to cram newspapers down the legs of my trousers. He  even showed me how to have a fight with myself in a pool of sick in front of schoolchildren and their mothers. Nothing seemed to be too much trouble”
“Then came the terrible news that turned my entire world upside down. I was lying semi comatose in a train on the Circle Line at 4am when another hopeless stumblebum got on at Monument and told me that my beloved had been knocked down and killed by a black cab as he stood in the middle of the road shouting at traffic that were driving too close to his dog on a bit of string”.
“I spent the next few months in rehab, drying out and restricting myself to the odd fag butt I’d found squashed on the floor in one of the traps in the lady’s bogs. Sometimes I’d seek comfort by having an occasional sip of brake cleaner before getting my head down for the night in a piss soaked sleeping bag.”
“I feel as if I’m over the worst now and have resumed my former life of making  appallingly bad records and poncing about on the stage with my Jack and Danny and tits hanging out”.
“It may have been a bad romance, but for me it will always be the most beautiful and tender episode of my life and no matter what people say, I’ll always have the memory of him, the rancid stench of his shitted up keks and those tender words he’d often whisper so softly in my ear as we walked home to our cardboard box under the Hammersmith Flyover ….”Yer me best fuckin’ mate yoush are! Yah fuckin’ bashta yersh! Yer FUUUUUUUUUCK!
Lady Gaga has requested that all proceeds from this interview be donated to The Nomadic Methylated Spirits Trust “Drinking Metal Polish Since 1895”

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82 Year Old Man Joined French Foreign Legion “By Mistake”

French Foreign Legion - Old Man.jpg

An elderly British man has told of a 10 year ordeal after he enlisted in the French Foreign Legion by mistake while on holiday with his wife in Algeria in 2003

Jed Carter, 92, from Sheffield, revealed how, over the last decade, he’d seen active service with the legendary, crack troops in various trouble spots across the world, including Iraq, Afghanistan and The Democratic Republic Of Congo, where, his gallantry earned him The Legion D’Honuer, France’s equivalent of the Victoria Cross.

Although under fire from militia from the  notorious Lord’s Resistance Army and despite being badly wounded, he single-handedly stormed the rebel stronghold, armed only with an assault rifle and a grenade, killing 15 enemy combatants and taking 5 prisoners.

He was eventually invalided out in January 2013 after a severe bout of Black Water Fever, picked up in the jungles of Guyana, left him unfit to continue military service.

Speaking to reporters from outside his bungalow in Rotherham, which he shares with wife Vera, 109, and 6 cats, he said “While I’m very proud of my military career I could have done without it to be honest with you, especially at my time of life. When I spotted this building with the words Legion Etranger over the door I thought it was the Algerian branch of The British Legion and popped in for a couple of pints and  a game of darts or bar billiards with the locals. I signed what I took to be the guest’s entry book and then the next thing I knew I was parachuting into the jungle in Belize to quell an uprising by insurgent militiamen who were involved in a coup to overthrow the government.

“Over the next 10 years I fought in trouble spots right across the globe, alongside comrades from as far afield as Hungary and New Zealand to name but two. They were a great bunch of lads in all fairness, whose courage and soldiering expertise were second to none, but I did miss Vera’s hotpots and going down the pensioners pop-in for a chin wag with our friends of a Saturday evening.”

​In an unrelated case a 16 year old girl, also from Sheffield, has told of being forced to have a sing song round the piano before having her corns treated, after drunkenly mistaking an old people’s home for a night club.

Image by Mina

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Tracy Stutters. Unhelpful Fertility Counsellor.

Dear Tracy

My wife and I have been trying for a baby for 3 years without success. We’ve tried everything including homoeopathy and conventional medicine but all to no avail. My wife has now become severely depressed and is finding it difficult to get through the day without drink and tablets. Please help us if you can Tracy as we’re both so desperate to start a little family.

Jason Cummings

St Austell

Cornwall

 

Dear Jason

Y…..Y….Y…YOU  S…S…S…SEEDLESS  L…L…L…LIMPDICK  T…T…T…TWAT!

Kind regards

Tracy.

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