Labour Party executive unfairly dubbed ‘extremist’ due to their 99% extremist executive, claims report


corbyn im going nowhere

Labour leader, Corbyn, outlines his political future last night


A recent report by a university study group has shown that the tiny minority of the Labour Party executive who are not extreme left-wing activists – hand-picked by party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, to deliver his neo-communist message – are being unfairly maligned in the press and in their constituencies, and are generally being lumped in with their extremist colleagues.

The report found that up to 1% of the Labour front bench and the party executive are not in favour of the latest calls for renationalisation of all public services, compulsory acceptance of at least one, disabled, black, transgender midget to every boardroom in the land, and free travel on the buses for anyone who can prove they’re not Jewish.

We spoke to one disillusioned Labour MP last night who said: “I just want to champion a fairer society for everybody in the country, irrespective of class, colour, or creed.

“The trouble is, whenever I express my views to colleagues, I get shouted down and called an apologist for the Zionist boss class. I just can’t win”

Following last night’s humiliating by-election defeat in Copeland, Corbyn tried to rally his crestfallen troops by announcing the appointment of a one-legged Chinese paedophile with a learning disability as Shadow Secretary of State for Education.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

Paul Nuttall claims that “a very dear friend” developed a cough due to the Bradford fire disaster

United Kingdom Independence Party newly elected leader Paul Nuttall speaks after the announcement of his success in the leadership election, in London
Under fire UKIP leader, Paul Nuttall, told reporters last night that “a very dear friend developed quite a nasty cough” just days after the tragic Bradford City stadium fire in 1985 in which 56 people lost their lives.

Far right-winger, Nuttall is currently under intense media scrutiny after making false claims that he had lost “close personal friends” in The Hillsborough Disaster in 1989.

Looking visibly upset, Nuttall told pressmen outside his temporary home in Stoke – where he is due to contest a by-election next week: “I’ll never forget my dear friend’s words to me as long as I live.

“I met him when he was on a visit to the wonderful city of Stoke, where I was staying at the time and where I spend every available day due to my deep love of the place and everybody who lives in it.

“He told me, that about a week after the fire had claimed all those innocent lives, he started to suffer from quite a nasty cough and he swears it was due to smoke inhalation from the burning stand which he says he must have breathed in when he was hanging his washing out in Leeds.

“He looked a broken man, and if it hadn’t been for my love of Stoke and my horror at the thought of having to leave this magnificent city, I’d have given him a lift home”

When questioned further about his friendship with the man, Nuttall became defensive and told reporters “He wasn’t that close really. He came round to service my boiler once, but we did have a cup of tea together and a chat about football. Particularly, Stoke City, who are my second favourite team after Everton”

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

Local man blows off own genitals during Valentine’s firework stunt to impress girlfriend

The Whitechapel Whelk

fireworks-roman_candle Fire down below: A firework similar to the one that blew Mr Dell’s cock and balls off.

A 19-year-old Whitechapel man was being treated in hospital for serious burns last night after a pre-Valentine’s Day stunt ended in tragedy.

Casey Dell, an unemployed diesel fitter, had placed a lit roman candle down the front of his trousers, intending to unzip his fly in front of his girlfriend and treat her to an impressive firework ‘display’.

Sadly, things went tragically wrong when Mr Dell discovered that his zip had jammed and that he was unable to remove the firework, which then exploded repeatedly inside his underpants, resulting in the loss of the unfortunate lothario’s penis and one of his testicles.

Mr Dell was heavily sedated last night and was unable to comment, but we did manage to speak to his girlfriend, Tracy Carter, a 17-year-old hairdresser, who told The Whelk: “He…

View original post 145 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Whelk Exclusive: ‘Rowdy’ Obamas ejected from late night Whitechapel drinking den.

The Whitechapel Whelk

barack-and-michelle-barack-obama-2739161-690-458 Paralytic. Mrs Obama leans on her husband for support shortly before they were thrown out of the club

from our political piss-ups editor, Danny SoZ

Just hours after leaving The White House, which had been their home for the last 8 years, Michelle and Barack Obama were spotted drinking heavily in an illegal drinking and gambling den. or ‘speiler’, in London’s East End, from where they were later ejected by door staff who threw them into an alleyway via the fire exit.

According to reports, the pair were already in an inebriated condition when they arrived at around midnight last night. A witness told us that the former president told him that they’d had a “good skinful” on the Marine One helicopter on the way over.

“They were both unsteady on their feet,” the witness said. “Mrs Obama kept taking swigs from a hip flask and the president was drinking…

View original post 198 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

‘Cheerful’ Facebook woman found hanged


Mrs Harris as she appears in her Facebook avatar


A 35-year-old woman, described by friends as “always cheerful” has been found hanged at her bungalow in Lowestoft in Suffolk.

Mrs Jennifer Harris, a divorced mother of six, was found by a heating engineer who had gone to her home to carry out a repair on her boiler on Monday afternoon.

Mrs Harris was a keen user of social media, particularly Facebook, where she had over a thousand friends.

One of them told us last night: “This has come as a real shock. Jenny was the life and soul of my timeline. She was always so cheerful and full of life. She seemed to be so happy and content with life and always had an exciting new project on the horizon, whether it was foreign travel or just planning another weekend partying with her many friends. I’ll certainly miss her and her regular updates on how great her life is”

A neighbour of Mrs Harris, however, had a different view. Toby Dell, 45, told us: “She was a bit of a recluse, to be honest, and when she did venture out to buy groceries she seemed as miserable as sin. She had no visitors as far as I know and everyone around here thought she was a right pain in the arse. I’m not surprised she hanged herself to be honest”

Police are not treating her death as suspicious and believe her suicide may have been triggered by Facebook changing the ‘message’ icon at the top of people’s timelines.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Totally Ineffectual, Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

The Whitechapel Whelk

bat can & rob tin meme

It was a chill January afternoon in Whitechapel, East London. A nagging north wind tugged at the clothes of Mr Patel as he loaded his small van with goods from the cash and carry.

Among them were the staunch, crime-busting duo, Bat Can and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, who were on a cellophane-wrapped pallet at the back of the van.

They were vigilant and uneasy, aware that a number of audacious robberies had been committed in the area over recent weeks.

Suddenly, and without warning, all hell broke loose. Mr Patel was coshed from behind and fell heavily to the ground as two masked men began snatching the goods from the van and transferring them into the back of a large, white Ford Transit.

The two ace crime fighters knew there was no time to lose if the fiends were to be stopped from escaping with their valuable booty…

View original post 108 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Thames Garden Bridge to be replaced by Joanna Lumley in a rowing boat



Lumley pictured going through her paces at Wapping Dock yesterday


The trust behind the ill-fated and controversial, Thames Garden Bridge Project, finally admitted that the plan was dead in the water last night and would now be replaced by a rowing boat containing project enthusiast actress Joanna Lumley and a bunch of flowers.

A spokesperson for the Garden Bridge Trust told us last night: “Due to the lack of enthusiasm from big businesses who were loath to invest in a bridge with trees on it, we have decided to abandon the plan and to focus instead on buying a second-hand rowing boat which will cross from Upper Thames Street to London Bridge three times a day during the week and once on Saturdays and Sundays.

“Our great friend, Joanna Lumley, has agreed to row people across, with a rose clenched between her teeth and a pot of chrysanthemums between her legs.

“We are hoping that the fares collected will recoup some of the 60 million quids worth of taxpayer’s money that we have basically spunked up the wall for them”

We spoke to Miss Lumley last night at her home in Islington who told us: “I haven’t rowed a boat since 1965 but I’m prepared to give up the gin and the gaspers and give it a jolly good go sweetie”

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire