Local man held as bloggers get-together ends with 3 dead and 7 wounded

One from my partners-in-literary crime right here.

The Whitechapel Whelk

police scene of crime Police had sealed off the area outside the suspects home last night

A 53-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after 3 people were shot dead and 7 were hospitalised with serious gunshot wounds following a violent altercation at his home in Commercial Road.

All the dead and injured are believed to be contributors to the popular blogging site, WordPress, who had gathered at the man’s home for a meeting, where they were hoping to discuss their respective blogs and to swap ideas on writing and self-publishing.

We spoke to one man who attended the gathering and witnessed the carnage.

Toby “Novelist” Dell, an unemployed painter and decorator who writes a daily blog about surviving on benefits and has written 3 self-published books on car maintenance for single men and the pitfalls of sending money to Russian women, told us:

“Things were going great at first. Bloggers were…

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The Alcohol-Fuelled Adventures of Stuporman! The Super-Sozzled Stumblebum of Steel

stuporman

What’s that smell?! Is it a turd? Is it a drain? No!…It’s STUPORMAN!

Super sozzled storyline by Jack Daniels, Jimmy Beam, Cherry B, and Captain Morgan
Booze-addled alcoholic artwork by ‘JIF’

It was a Saturday morning like any other in downtown Whitechapel. People were thronging the market in the warm spring sunshine as the stallholders lustily called out their wares.

High above the street, in his lofty, Drinking Den of Solitude above Carpetland, Stuporman was pouring his 10th pint of Tennant’s Super of the morning. Last night had been a particularly gruelling session on the lash and he knew that he’d need to get a decent skinful under his belt before attempting the short walk to The Beggar at opening time.

Suddenly, a woman’s shrill scream pierced the air “It’s a beer lorry! It’s out of control and it’s heading this way!”

Heaving himself from the battered old sofa, The Lush of Steel staggered to the window in time to see a speeding beer delivery truck hurtle past, the driver slumped unconscious in the cab.

Stuporman realised at once that there was not a moment to lose and reeled out into the street.

Using his super dog breath, he blew the careering vehicle from its collision course with the busy market, sending it crashing harmlessly into a nearby scrap yard.

Realising the danger still hadn’t passed, and that precious drinking time was being wasted, the sozzled superhero stumbled unsteadily towards the wreckage.

Using his super strength, he heaved two huge crates of Skol Special Strength from the back of the truck and settled down next to a wrecked Vauxhall Viva to tuck in.

A small child approached him nervously as he was tearing the ring pull from his 2nd can.

“Thank you Stuporman,” said the youngster falteringly “What would we do without you?”

“Struggling to focus on the small figure, Stuporman rose unsteadily to his feet.

“Are you starin’ at my pint?” he slurred. “I’ll take the fuckin’ lot of yersh! You’re me besht mate you are!”

NEXT WEEK: The Stumblebum of Steel battles against his old arch-enemy, Chunder Woman, as they fight over a job clearing the glasses and emptying the slop trays after last orders in The Blind Beggar

 

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President Assad “quite pleased” with haiku debut on WordPress

assad-wikicommons--620x436

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has declared himself “quite pleased” after his maiden haiku poem attracted over 500 ‘likes’ from fellow bloggers.

The murderous despot, who has the blood of thousands of innocents on his hands, told  SoZ Satire:

“It was very gratifying to get so many likes on my first day, especially after a few of my generals had spent so many hours trawling through countless useless blogs, making laughably over-the-top comments, such as “wonderful!” and “brilliant” on quite literally hundreds of risible pieces of literary tripe.

“I must admit, this has really lifted my spirits after all the criticism I’ve been getting lately for gassing the peasants”

Assad’s piece, which was described by one enthusiastic fellow blogger as “an absolute triumph” was a thinly-disguised swipe at United States president, Donald Trump, who upset the Syrian leader last week by bombing one of his airfields.

Here is the piece in full:

I don’t like Mr Trump
He is a chump
And on his head,
I’d like to dump.

Editor’s Note: This piece of satire in no way infers that people with lots of followers and likes are, for the most part, inept writers who aren’t averse to toadying up to similarly ungifted souls in order to have their own literary offal lauded to the skies in return. Oh dear me no. What a ridiculous notion. That’s right out that is.

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Amnesty calls for urgent enquiry as stewards force Arsenal fans to watch 2nd half

arsenal fans

Human rights group, Amnesty International, have called for an urgent enquiry into the behaviour of stewards at last night’s London soccer derby between Crystal Palace and Arsenal following reports that they allegedly manhandled a number of Arsenal fans and prevented them leaving the ground at half-time as their team were being humiliated 3-0 by their South London rivals.

A spokesman for Amnesty told us: “I’ve witnessed some terrible human rights abuses in my time, but nothing compares to this.

“It was an act of sheer barbarism to make those poor devils sit through another 45 minutes of watching their team play like a bunch of mincing tarts.

“I certainly think there’s a case for this one to be brought before The Court of Human Rights”

Beleaguered Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, told a press conference last night. “It sounds like the stewards were far too heavy-handed in their dealings with our supporters, although, personally, I didn’t see the incident as I fucked off home after 15 minutes”

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Furious Trump to play golf for 2 weeks in honour of Syrian gas attack victims.

The Trump International Golf Links Course Opens

 White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, last night told a press briefing that President Trump was so outraged by yesterday’s gas attack on civilians by Syrian government forces he has taken the decision to abandon his official duties for 2 weeks so that he can dedicate the time to playing golf in Mar A Lago in Palm Beach as a mark of respect for the dead.

“The President was so upset and angry last night when he heard the news.” Spicer said. “He told me right there and then that he’d ordered Airforce One to be fuelled and made ready for a golfing trip to Palm Beach where he told me that he’d play for 2 weeks solid – stopping only to eat, drink and sleep – in honour of those who lost their lives. He feels that it’s the least he can do”

In other news, vice president, Mike Pence, has told a press conference that wounded victims of the attack will be offered treatment in American hospitals, if they can afford it, or if they have United States medical insurance and can prove they’re not terrorists.

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ITV viewers statistically less likely to be able to rub their tummies and talk at the same time, says report

stupid woman

An ITV viewer pictured last night

A recent in-depth report into Britain’s TV viewing habits has found that people who watch ITV on a regular basis are far less likely to be able to perform simple tasks, such as rubbing their tummies and talking simultaneously, or of spelling fairly rudimentary words, such as; ‘dog’ and ‘a’

The report has also found that people who watch shows like The X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent are statistically far more likely to be fat and ugly and to have voted for Brexit.

Soz Satire asked people to write to our news desk with their reaction but we received no response, although we did get a few rather nice drawings of dinosaurs and people’s mums in the garden done in green crayon.

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100 per cent of self-published writers will go to the grave blissfully unaware of their desperate lack of talent, claims report

A recent report has found that an astonishing 100 per cent of people who have handed over cash in exchange for having their work published by an opportunist bandit with a nifty line in flattery, will die in total ignorance of their own ineptitude and desperation.

The study, carried out by Cambridge University, goes on to point out that the prior publishing of excerpts of the work in a blog or online magazine where it attracts glowing praise from others is not a sign of the writer’s brilliance, but is a direct result of the writer in question having spent countless hours trawling through reams of similarly hideous copy from fellow bloggers, advising them that they are the next Hemingway or Virginia Wolf.

We spoke to a representative of the popular blogging site, WordPress, where many of these delusional individuals regularly churn out their literary effluent, who told us.

“Yes, we are well aware that these people are remarkably inept and that they will take their final breath blissfully unaware of the true horror of their output, but they’re not doing any harm and it lines our pockets very nicely indeed, thank you very much.”

The report can be seen in full on the WordPress blog: “My Fantastic Report and How I Never Allowed My Dream of Getting the Wretched Thing Published Die.

 

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