British National May Have Got A Bit Dusty Following Italian Death Quake Say Home Office

 

italy-earthquake-topper

Grim-faced rescue workers survey some of the debris that may have caused a Briton to become dusty.

 

The Home Office announced last night, that a British national, holidaying in Italy last week, may have become a bit dusty following the huge earthquake that struck the region around the town of Amatrice, killing 284 and with many more reported missing.

In a brief statement, they said: “It is with regret that we must announce that a British national became quite dusty following the earthquake that killed some foreigners on Wednesday. It is believed that dusty debris from some of the fallen buildings was blown onto the British subject’s hair and clothing shortly after the initial quake.

“At this point, it is too early to say whether he had to change his clothes or just brush them down. However, we can reveal that he had to wash his hair back at his hotel.”

The identity of the person is being withheld until his relatives have been informed.

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Comrades!: An everyday story of heroic Soviet folk

More decadent humour from my heroic colleagues at The Whelk I see. Tsk

The Whitechapel Whelk

comrades dancing large 

mOnDaY:

The temperature dipped a bit today. When we thawed out the thermometer, it read -35.C. Heroic Comrade Cat is missing. We await his glorious return.

“Winter draws on” said Comrade Wife. – I thought that she’d put them on at the start of November! Still, we have a roaring bar on the electric fire and plenty of electricity to power it thanks to our glorious state energy produc…

WE THRUST THE BANNER OF FREEDOM INTO THE TESTICLES OF OUR CRAVEN ENEMIES WHO FLEE BEFORE US LIKE CARRION CROWS!!!

TuESdAY

Comrade Wife has injured herself by slipping on a frozen cow-pat at the collective farm and will be off work for 2 weeks. The doctor has told her to take things easy. I have thoughtfully advised her to take her wheeled shopping trolley with her when she sets off on the ten-kilometre journey through the snow to get my…

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Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Columnist They Can’t Gag (sadly)

richard

Do you want to know something? There are times when I wake up and think that this country’s going to hell in a handcart. Some of the things I’ve seen going on are so bloody skewed and downright tonto that I honestly don’t think you could make them up.

Take the recent Olympic Games as a case in point. Not only were they held outside this country, but they were also full of foreigners; some of whom were black if you please. Even some of the British team had a touch of the tar brush about them. You couldn’t make it up could you?

Take that Mo Farah for example. Now he’s a pretty fast runner I’ll give you that, but unless my eyes completely deceive me, he’s as black as my granny’s hat for God’s sake.

Even the commentators are black. You’ve only got to look at Michael Johnson and Gabby Logan to see that. As for Clare Balding, she may be white like you and me, but unless my instinct has gone to hell in a handcart, that woman’s a fully-paid-up, clam-noshing lezza or I’m a Chinaman. I don’t pay my licence fee to have sooties and rug-munchers beamed into my sitting room and nor should you.

I was down the pub with my old journo pal, Kelvin McKenzie, last week and he said exactly the same thing. “You couldn’t make it up Pilchard,” he told me over a few pints of English bitter and a plate of bubble and squeak. “I sometimes think the whole countries going to hell in a bloody handcart”

That’s what I like about Kelvin. He can hold his drink and he can tell it like it is. He had to stay at mine that night because we couldn’t get a cabbie to take him home due to his condition. I didn’t want to run the risk of being bummed so I stuck him in bed with the wife. She never complained bless her. We may be going to hell in a handcart but we can still thank our lucky stars for the dutiful little white women of this great country is what I say.

Mind you, she did ask me to change the sheets on our bed the next day but I told her I couldn’t make it up.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is a columnist in The Swivel-Eyed Tribune incorporating Popular Jew-Baiting Monthly

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Dramatic Rise in Heart Conditions as People Put Showers on Low Power Setting

Who write this drivel ffs?…ah

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ice Man. A Whitechapel man pictured waiting for treatment in A&E after setting his shower to low power yesterday.

The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel last night reported a marked increase in admissions due to heart-related conditions as the recent heatwave has led to people setting their electric showers to the Lo-Power mode. It is believed that the shock of the resulting icy cold cascade has been the root cause of the problem

Dr Toby Dell, a cardiovascular consultant, told us: “Under no circumstances should the energy saving setting on your shower be deployed. This mode is exclusively for defrosting packs of burgers and strings of sausages that are all stuck together. Having said that, I do occasionally use it during extremely hot spells so that I can play with my hard little nip nips”

Associated Press

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‘Empty’ Train Carriage Was Ram-Packed With Midgets and Germans With Diarrhoea Claim Corbyn’s Press Office

 

corbyn straight talking

 
The press office for beleaguered Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, have issued a statement, claiming that the empty train carriage that Corbyn is shown passing through on CCTV before claiming that the entire train was ‘ram-packed’ was, in fact, full of midgets whose heads couldn’t be seen above the headrests, and a party of over 40 Germans who had left their luggage on their seats while they were all in the toilet suffering from gastroenteritis.

The statement said: “Jeremy, his wife and his publicists did, in fact, pass through that particular carriage, but it was full of midgets and German luggage, left there while the owners were having a clearout. I suppose it’s a bit like when they put towels on sunloungers to reserve them. So, basically, that’s why Jeremy had to sit on the floor to do his piece to camera. Yes, that’ll be it.”

Virgin Trains, however, strongly denied the claim. “The midgets were all in a first class carriage at the front of the train, and the Germans were in the caboose at the rear where their constant farting wouldn’t upset their fellow travellers”

Corbyn himself was unavailable for comment due to his earlier arrest for attacking his lesbian spin doctor with a screwdriver.

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Israel Launch Airstrike on Kenny Dalglish’s Allotment

 

kenny dalglish

Kenny pictured tending his allotment in happier times

 

 

Glasgow Celtic and Scotland soccer legend, Kenny Dalglish, was furious last night after the Israeli air force bombed and strafed his allotment, flattening his shed and destroying his crop of beetroot and courgettes.

The attack is believed to be in retaliation for the pro-Palestinian demonstration held by Celtic fans at the weekend before a match against an Israeli side.

Dalglish told Dafty News: “When I heard that the Israelis had bombed my allotment I was furious. It was only by pure luck that they didn’t hit my cucumbers and jersey royal spuds. I’m not happy about this I can tell you and I’ve already emailed Benjamin Netanyahu asking for compensation.”

A spokesman for the Israeli Defence Force said last night: “Yes we bombed Dalglish’s allotment and we’d do it again given half the chance, the Scottish asshole”

This latest act mirrors the occasion in 1987, when Celtic and West Ham legend, Frank McAvennie, was injured in a Russian car bomb attack after he allegedly shagged Boris Yeltsin’s bird.

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Working Out the WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

 

wordpress val

“Feel the burn yet my lovelies?”

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

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