Khashoggi killed by one of his own ricocheting kung fu stars say Saudis

The Whitechapel Whelk

khashoggiKhashoggi pictured in typical two-fisted mood last week. Picture courtesy of The Saudi Hand Chopping and Dissident Flogging Bugle

The Saudi Arabian government have made the claim that the missing journalist, Jamel Khashoggi, was killed during a violent melee in the Saudi consulate building in Turkey, after the furious newsman launched a number of kung fu stars at terrified staff, one of which, rebounded off a lampshade and struck him a fatal blow on the temple

A spokesman for the Saudi consulate said last night: “Mr Khashoggi was definitely looking for trouble that night.

“He looked dishevelled and had clearly been drinking heavily

“Without warning, he started acting like a crazy man and began hurling kung fu stars at staff members.

“Unfortunately for him, he was killed instantly by one of his own weapons which bounced back off of a light shade or a wall or something. The details are…

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Whelk Exclusive: Trump Made Up for Bad Sex With Blistering Piano Accordion Solo: Stormy Daniels Speaks Out

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump-fail-004Yeah, the boy can play. Trump pictured with an accordion last night

Ex-porn star turned kiss and tell sensation, Stormy Daniels, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that US President, Donald Trump, gave a sensational rendition of a medley of popular tunes on the piano accordion following their brief sexual encounter in 2006

Speaking exclusively to our showbiz editor, Daniels, 87, said “He was absolutely useless in the sack, to be honest. At one point I had to ask him if he’d started.

“However, he more than made up for it afterwards when he took his piano accordion from the wardrobe and launched into a number of old time favourites.

“His skill and virtuosity were pretty damn sensational to be fair to the man.

“He played a number of tunes, including, The Rose of Traylee, Danny Boy, The Sash My Father Wore, and most memorably of all for me, the theme…

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Lifestyle & Health

The Whitechapel Whelk

Sweaty_Cow_Front_CoverNEXT WEEK: 5 Delicious and healthy, sweat-based recipes for the whole family to enjoy

PLUS: Tips on how to top up your garden pond by wringing out your bra and knickers

©Sweaty Cow is an associate member of The Unsavoury Bodily Fluids Publishing Corporation

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CHILDCARE: Advertisement

The Whitechapel Whelk

Mince-O-MiteThe Mince-O-Mite is lovingly machine crafted using only the finest quality, non-bio-degradable plastic by Bangladeshi orphans

Send £21,003 in cash + £570 P&P to: 

The Whitechapel Mint
22 Shit Street
Whitechapel
London E1

No Quibble Guarantee:If your Mince-O-Mite doesn’t arrive within 6 months, write to our customer relations dept and we’ll send round 2 or 3 big geezers with iron bars to sort out your problem once and for all.

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Tech News: New Apple smartwatch will alert you to people in the same room who have a wooden leg

The Whitechapel Whelk

watchBreakthrough: An Apple iWatch 5 pictured last night

The Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled their latest piece of innovative technology in the shape of the Apple iWatch 5, which will not only tell you the time of day with a fair degree of accuracy but will also alert you to the fact that somebody in the same room as yourself has a wooden leg.

Speaking at last night’s Apple Special Event from The Steve Jobs Centre, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told a thousand-strong audience: “This device will change the way you look at people in the same room forever.

“Now, instead of wondering whether any of them has a wooden leg, this device will emit a series of beeps whenever anybody who is fitted with one comes within 3 metres of the wearer”

Apple hopes that the device will be a boon to wearers who smoke and can’t find anywhere to…

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Social Media Update

The Whitechapel Whelk

facebookWuff oo babes! ((((((HUGZZZZZZ)))))) – Ed

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OUT NOW!

The Whitechapel Whelk

trumpsterThe Trumpster is now available in a handy pop-up picture version for the President’s core supporters and Betsy DeVos

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