A delighted Boyle pictured last night
A 64-year-old Scottish trawlerman has made the astonishing claim that he became a millionaire just one hour after Britain left the European Union.
Mikey ‘The Buckfast Kid’ Boyle from Glasgow, a scallop fisherman working out of the port of Arbroath, told local newsmen: “It’s unbelievable. Now that we’ve left the EU, the price of scallops will be rocketing to an all-time high of around 500 quid each, on top of which, we’ll have the entire sea to ourselves now that all the European boats have been booted out of our waters.
“Based on this, I’ve calculated that I was a millionaire just one hour after Britain was freed from the draconian constraints of the EU diktats.
“Of course, I haven’t got the cash in the bank just yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Michael Gove and Boris told me that”
When asked how he was going to spend his Brexit bounty, Boyle grew expansive: “Ah’m going tae go oan the big boay’s ginger and drink ’til ah cannae see straight” he confirmed.
A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.
“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.
“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.
“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”
Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.
If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.