Policing a huge and diverse city like London can be an exacting and even perilous business at times, where myself and my colleagues frequently put our own safety firmly on the line.
Take Tuesday evening as an example. My team were sent to police the Thames Walk area around London Bridge where thousands of England football fans had gathered to watch the World Cup clash against Colombia on the big screen.
My prime concern was that people would be drinking heavily, both prior to, and during the game, and that trouble could ensue as a result.
So, with this in mind, I began confiscating alcohol from people at London Bridge station on the off chance that they could be potential troublemakers.
By 7.00 pm, I had more than enough to see me through the evening and ended up being sick down the front of a woman’s dress during…
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Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has vowed to shield the fair-skinned people of Scotland from harmful UVA rays during the current heatwave by blocking out the sun with his massive dial.
Murs told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “If I can prevent one single Scotch person from getting sunburned by using my gigantic face, then my life will not have been in vain.”
The Dance With Me star plans to stand on a hill close to Hadrians Wall and blot out the Sun between the hours of 11.00 and 16.00 when the rays are at their most harmful.
It is believed that over 30,000 millilitres of sun cream will be applied to Murs’ gargantuan face by a team of over 50 makeup artists before he takes up his position at 11.00am today.
If you have fair skin like a Scotch person and are concerned about exposure to harmful UVA rays…
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Fabled holy man, The Dundee Lama, last night told assembled newsmen, that in his opinion, Geoff Hurst’s, hotly contested winner in the 1966 World Cup Final was probably, ‘just a wee bit o’er the line’
The Lama who hasn’t spoken in public since Scotland’s humiliating defeat by Iran in the 1978 finals in Argentina, said: “Ah’ve looked at the footage more than a thoosand times, and aftae careful consideration, ah have tae confess that, in mah opinion, yon ball was o’er the line by a wee fraction.
“There wasnae much in it mind and ah could well be wrong! Aye and ah pray tae Buddha Almighty that ah am, so ah dae!”
NASA scientists, who recently used sophisticated laser-enhanced imagery to prove that the ball actually bounced down, ‘well over by at least 3 feet’ welcomed the Lama’s assertion last night
The Lama’s shock revelation comes just a few days after SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon, told the Scottish Parliament that Ali McCoist always looks and sounds, “half-pished” during his commentary stints, “oan yon BBC”
With England’s World Cup clash with Tunisia just 24 hours away, the city of Glasgow was last night awash with England flags as a state of fevered anticipation gripped the whole of Scotland
Barely a car can be seen without a St George’s cross flag fluttering proudly from the roof, and in districts like Govan and Maryhill, entire blocks of flats are swamped with flags and daubed with messages of support for Gareth Southgate’s boys.
We spoke to one resident of a tower block in The Gorbals that had been lit up with red and white lasers last night.
Tobias McDell, 53 and unemployed, told us: “Ah havenae known anything like it ah swear tae God. It’s like the spirit o’ ’66 has taken hold o’ the entire nation.
“Ah cannae imagination the joy in this city if yon England boys come hame tae Britain wi’ the cup.
“There’ll be celebratory rammys and slashin’s across the entire city ah’m thinkin’. Aye the streets o’ Glesga wull be flowing wi’ the claret and the Bucky oan the day they England boys dae the country proud!
In other news, England supporters south of the border have taken a more sedate viewpoint, with many grimly preparing to beat up their wives after a really good spanking from Tunisia.
Dumb and Dumber
NEXT WEEK: The 45th President of The United States consults Little Jimmy Osmond on securing a lasting peace in the occupied territories.
picture courtesy of SoZ Satire incorporating The Whitechapel Whelk.
All rights naively waived to billions across the entire globe
Local woman who broke wind during first date spends first of many sleepless nights wondering if man heard it
Ms Dell pictured last night
A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman managed just 2 hours sleep after she broke wind in a restaurant where she was on a first date with a man she had met on Tinder.
Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “It happened during dessert. My spoon slipped from my hand, and as it clattered onto my plate, I farted with surprise.
“I looked up and saw that my date was looking down at his food. He was pretty expressionless so it was hard to tell if he’d heard it.
“It wasn’t an absolute rip-snorter or anything so I’m praying that he didn’t notice.
“Having said that, he was pretty quiet for the rest of the evening and he did make me get the bus home instead of dropping me off in his car.
“I hardly slept a wink last night and I’ve a horrible…
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