Royal Bombshell: Queen and Prince Philip had two-in-a-bed sex romp while I watched, says royal flunky

Mirrorpix                                              The saucy royals pictured last night

In a shock revelation, a staff member at Buckingham Palace has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that in June of 1963, he witnessed Her Majesty The Queen engaging in a steamy romp with her husband, The Duke of Edinburgh, when he entered their bed-chamber without knocking as he bought up their night time hot drinks.

The flunky, Tobias Dell, 97, told us: “It was blatant to say the least.

“They were both under the covers, engaging in a pretty vigorous bout of sex. They were really going at it full pelt.

“There was a fair amount of puffing and blowing, and at one point, Prince Philip called out: “Oh yes, Your Majesty, you dirty little royal trollop. You know what one…

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Jehovah’s Witness fails to exorcise local demon by holding up a stick

crusader ‘Who is it dear?’

A prominent Jehovah’s Witness was last night unable to cast out a demon from a local teenager by reciting a passage from The Book of Revelation while holding up a small stick.

JWs, believe that Christ was not crucified at Golgotha but was somehow nailed to a wooden stake instead.

They, therefore, shun the conventional cross as the widely-accepted symbol of Christianity and regard it as a blasphemous obscenity that flies in the face of the scriptures, in much the same way as they regard, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, Roman Catholics, Anglicans, Methodists and Quakers etc, as corruptors of Jehovah’s word who will end up as ‘manure on the ground’ when Christ – behaving totally out of character – obliterates Mankind at Armageddon at some point in the future, although, after a constant litany of failures to accurately foretell this one, they haven’t committed to a firm…

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SURVEY: Local Book Voted The Number One Gift To Avoid This Christmas

In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine…

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November 26, 2020 · 07:34

Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

mouth-organ-isolated-white-background-image-contains-copy-space-172937858In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a…

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Local woman found dead following shock-induced flatulence incident

Gas leak background, 3D rendering, rough street sign collectionA 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on Monday when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I…

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GREAT LIVES #232. This Week: Mama June Boo Boo

mama-june-480x360

Mama June Boo Boo was born in Barnsley in Yorkshire at a very young age.

She weighed just six ounces at birth, but quickly piled on the pounds, tipping the scales at an astonishing thirty-seven stone four pounds just hours later after eating sixteen Krispy Kreme donuts washed down with twelve pints of heavy in the hospital canteen.

She recounts that her early years in Yorkshire were the happiest days of her life and that she often earned in excess of fifteen pounds a week as a coalminer and part-time county executioner.

In 1980, Mama met and married a slave boss from Montgomery Alabama who was on holiday in nearby Skegness.

She subsequently moved to the USA where she gave birth to eighteen illiterate children in six months, including her world famous daughter, Honey Boo Boo, who became a deep-sea trawler skipper and governor of the state pen at the…

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Local man re-evaluates lifestyle after holy water sears into flesh

holyFrom our religious affairs correspondent

A 54-year-old Roman Catholic man from Whitechapel who was left with severe burns to his forehead after making the sign of The Cross with holy water from the font at Westminster Cathedral, has told The Whelk that he is now considering making a number of changes to his lifestyle

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street, told us: “I knew I had to address my life choices and move a little closer to God when I felt that holy water sear into my flesh.

“It happened when I went to the font as usual before 10.30 Mass on Sunday and again when I left.

“As well as burning my head, a few droplets fell onto my shoes and took some of the polish off and made them start smoking

“It was pretty excruciating, to be honest, and has actually left the sign of…

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Trump in bid to set up ‘New America’ on Olly Murs’ big face

Olly - CopyIt is being widely reported that defeated US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to set up an election-free alternative America on the enormous face of Brit pop idol Olly Murs.

The leaked plan involves building a new White House, complete with golf course, on the northern reaches of Murs’ face, probably on his forehead which is estimated to consist of over thirty thousand square miles of largely undeveloped skin.

The middle part around the cheeks and nose will be predominantly industrial, with a largely blue-collar population, plus a Mexican contingent who will cut their lawns and take care of their children while they’re at work in the factories.

The upper lip and chin area will be turned into a new Deep South, where white people with appalling dental hygiene will have sex with their mums and dads while black people will pick cotton and compose Negro spirituals which the…

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Criticising Jack The Ripper, ‘Anti-British’, says Brexiteer Farage

farage twatFarage in combative mood last night

The man many see as the architect of Britain’s decision to leave the European Union, Nigel Farage, last night hit out at an article in the East London Gazette, in which the newspaper dubbed the infamous nineteenth century Whitechapel fiend, Jack The Ripper, ‘a sexually insane maniac’

Speaking at a small meeting of his new, Reform Party, formed to oppose government measures to curb coronavirus, Farage said; “I’m becoming heartily sick of people in the main stream media attacking our British heritage and the characters who made this island great.

“First it was our white slavers who came in for completely unwarranted abuse, and now the looney left have turned their attention to our great British serial killers.

“It’s Jack today, but how long will it be before Nurse Beverly Allit, Fred and Rosemary West, and even the most prolific serial killer the world…

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