‘Face of Christ’ Appears on Buttocks of Apprentice Mechanic

I only wrote this one for the crack

The Whitechapel Whelk

jesus_ii_by_adryan An artist’s impression of how the face of Jesus probably looked on the apprentice mechanic’s arse.

A mechanic from East London claims to have seen the face of Christ on the buttocks of his 17-year-old apprentice after a bizarre workplace incident left the youngster naked in the workshop last week.

Steven Dee, 32, from Shoreditch, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “It was a day just like any other to be honest. I was sitting on my toolbox reading The Sporting Life when I spotted my apprentice dozing in a chair in the MOT bay. Not wanting the boy to get into any bother with the guvnor, I decided to set fire to the bottom of his overalls with a cutting torch to liven the kid up a bit.

“Naturally, I wasn’t to know that he’d spilled brake cleaner on them a bit earlier, so I was a bit taken aback when…

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WE WIN!

Don’t let him have to tell you twice now, you hear?

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump meme

You heard the man folks. This here is the Facebook page in question:

https://www.facebook.com/SoZsatire/

…and no climbing over the wall that The Dodger and I built last week to keep the goddamn wetbacks out! Why I outta! :(

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Steps to The Gents Toilets in London Hospital Tavern Claim 12th Victim

The Whitechapel Whelk

scared-man A drinker at The London Hospital Tavern realises he needs to go the bathroom

There were calls for a full government inquiry yesterday as a man fell to his death down the steps leading to the gents toilet in The London Hospital Tavern in Whitechapel.

Mr. Ted Carter, 45, is the 12th man to have been killed while negotiating the steep, narrow stair access to the toilet in the last 6 months bringing the death toll to more than five thousand since it opened in 1927.

One regular drinker told The Whitechapel Whelk: “Those stairs are an absolute nightmare and I’m surprised that the death toll isn’t even higher. On some Saturday nights you can see blokes piled up at the bottom, one on top of the other, where they’ve failed to make it due to the steep drop. Going back a few years, my grandad fell down there on…

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East London Gangland Nominate Justin Bieber as the Celebrity They Would Most Like to Torture.

The Whitechapel Whelk

justin memeIn a survey of London’s underworld, it has emerged that Canadian pop sensation, Justin Bieber, is the celebrity that gangsters would most like to subject to torture.

Bieber, 11, just pipped  pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, and fellow irritant, Piers Morgan, in the poll which took in over 300 shady nightclubs and illegal gambling dens in the heart of London’s notorious East End.

One of those polled, “Maltese Billy” Drago, told us “It was a pretty tough choice to make to be perfectly honest with you. I mean to say, who wouldn’t relish the prospect of giving Simon Cowell a good striping with a butcher’s knife, or the opportunity of crucifying Piers Morgan on a snooker table? In the end though, I had to go with Bieber. The boy’s absolutely crying out to have his balls crushed in a vice while his teeth are being dragged out of his mouth with a pair of mole…

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Jack’s Back! New Ripper Atrocity in Whitechapel

You just can’t beat these boys can yers? More’s the pity!

The Whitechapel Whelk

Jack the Ripper Smudge by The Artful Dodger who denies everything and insists he was at home with his mum at the time.

The East London district of Whitechapel was last night once again in the icy grip of terror as news broke of yet another brutal attack on a female resident. The woman, in her 60s, was making her way home from a Women’s Institute meeting during the early part of Tuesday evening when she was attacked.

The victim, Mrs Dolores Mason, aged-64, told reporters. “It was around 8.00pm when a man wearing a top hat and a cloak approached me. He asked me for the time and seemed pleasant enough, but as I looked at my watch, he suddenly produced a sheet of A4 paper and began ripping it to shreds. He then threw the torn remnants into my face and ran off. I’ll never forget the look on his face…

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Olly Murs Set to Use His Big Face to Thwart Garden Bridge Project

For more of this type of silly nonsense, please go here:
https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com

The Whitechapel Whelk

olly meme Murs pictured in determined mood last night

Opponents of the controversial, London Garden Bridge project were jubilant last night as pop icon, Olly Murs, threw his weight behind their bid to have the £180 million plan to build a bridge across The Thames with trees on it, scrapped.

Murs told the Whitechapel Whelk last night that he will position his big face on the proposed site, if and when construction work begins, thereby thwarting the plan, which is seen by many Londoners as a huge waste of public funds.

Shaking with emotion, Murs, 57, said: “As a Londoner I’m dead against this bridge and will do everything in my power to stop it, and if that includes using my great big face, then so be it”

Murs then told us that he will enter the river on his back from a nearby wharf, from where he will be towed to…

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Danny Sparko: WBC Cockney Consumer’s Champion

The Whitechapel Whelk

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I recently purchased one of those small, car vacuum cleaners to use on the carpets, mats and trim on my little hatchback, but when I switched it on it began smoking and eventually blew a fuse. I took it back to the shop but the manager was quite rude and refused me a refund, claiming that I must have caused the problem myself through misuse of the item.

I wonder if you could help me with this one Danny as I’m a single mum with two little ones and I can ill afford to throw good money away.

Tracy Dell

Whitechapel

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Dear Tracy

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then “went downstairs” and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots around the ribcage. This seemed to sicken him, and as he…

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