Couple under-60 who went on Med cruise now suffering from age-related complaints

The Whitechapel Whelk

Old_People_10 ‘Ancient’ mariners. Mr and Mrs Dell pictured shortly after returning from the cruise

A 25year-old woman from Leman Street in Whitechapel has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that since arriving back from a 2-week trip around the Balearic Islands on a cruise liner, both she and her husband have become riddled with arthritis along with a number of other, textbook, age-related complaints.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser, told us, that along with joint pain, they are now suffering from lumbago, bladder incontinence and partial deafness.

“I can only assume we contracted all these ailments from our fellow passengers who were all quite elderly,” Mrs Dell said.

“It began as soon as we arrived back home. We were walking up the drive with our suitcases when we both had falls and had to be picked up and comforted by our neighbours.

“The next day, the arthritis started and then, in the afternoon, Toby…

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Trump gave me 60 one-arm press-ups while solving a Rubik’s Cube says White House doctor.

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump mentally stable geniusThe doctor who carried out President Donald Trump’s physical examination earlier this week has told a news conference, that at one point in the examination the president dropped to the ground and executed 60 perfect single-arm press-ups, while with the other, he solved a Rubik’s Cube puzzle in just under 10 seconds.

Dr Ronny Jackson told newsmen: “I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a physician. The president has to be the strongest, toughest and the most intellectually gifted individual on this planet.

“I was already utterly amazed at his cognitive abilities when he correctly identified a lion, a camel and a giraffe before colouring them in without going over the lines, but this just totally blew me away.

“I can only put it down to a life of abstinence from tobacco and alcohol and the military training that he underwent before serving in ‘Nam…

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Man who adopted ‘sympathy limp’ drowns in bridge fall tragedy

The Whitechapel Whelk

Regents-Canal-4 A bridge too far. Mr Dell pictured drowning as passersby look on

The body of a 35-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London was recovered from The Regent’s Canal near London Zoo yesterday morning after the man tumbled over a bridge parapet while faking a pronounced limp in order to make people feel sorry for him.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver, was spotted tumbling from the bridge as he adopted a heavy limp to gain sympathy from an attractive 19-year-old female who was walking towards him.

The woman in question told us: “He was walking perfectly normally at first. Then, as soon as he spotted me, he began dragging his right foot and listing heavily to one side.

“He then seemed to lose his balance and tumbled over the parapet. I looked over the side but he was gone.

“I was going to phone for help but I was…

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Hawaii: Sewage crisis reported after ballistic missile false alarm

The Whitechapel Whelk

toilet 2According to reports, the sewage system in Hawaiian capital, Honolulu, backed up and overflowed into the street just minutes after the island’s authorities mistakenly issued a nuclear alert yesterday afternoon.

Residents reported seeing manhole covers being forced up by water pressure from tens of thousands of flushing toilets and liquid effluent running through the streets.

One resident said: “I haven’t seen that amount of shit since the president’s last televised speech”

Hospitals throughout the island also reported an influx of people being treated for temporary deafness due to the ear-shattering mass fart that resounded across the country seconds after the alert was broadcast.

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Whelk Showbiz Exclusive: I use 12 cans of Gillette Foamy to shave my big face claims Olly Murs

The Whitechapel Whelk

olly memePop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whelk that he uses 12 cans of shaving foam every morning and gets through over 20 disposable razors during a single shave of his big face.

The Dance With Me star told The Whelk’s showbiz editor, Sofia Dee: “Having a gigantic face is great most of the time but there are some drawbacks, like shaving in the morning.

“I routinely get through about a dozen cans of Gillette Foamy and countless razor blades. It’s time-consuming too. Quite often, I’ll finish shaving and rinse off the remnants of foam only to find that my moustache has grown back while I was doing the bits under my huge chin and I have to start again.

“I’ve tried growing a beard but a number of wild animals moved into it, mistaking my massive face for the Amazonian jungle.

“On the bright side, Brut aftershave have given me…

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Local woman falls for Google Earth’s ‘Pegman’

The Whitechapel Whelk

pegman Walker with a stalker. Google’s pegman strikes an alluring pose on a recent visit to Cripplegate

A 49-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Earth Streetview.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the little Google Earth man when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I noticed how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell deeply and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Earth while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious…

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Trump goes to bed at 5.30 and reads to his ‘blanky’ until it’s time for sleepies at 6.00 claims Steve Bannon.

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Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.

Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.

Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.

Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”

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