FURIOUS CHUCK BERRY FANS SLAM ‘DISRESPECTUL’ CHILD RAPE VICTIMS

chuck

Angry fans of rock and roll legend, Chuck Berry, have reacted furiously to what they deem to be disrespectful behaviour towards their idol by victims of child rape, claiming they were decidedly slow in coming forward to praise the late “Johnny B Goode” star and convicted paedophile following his death on Saturday.

We spoke to one outraged fan who had filled his Facebook and Twitter feeds with tributes to Berry throughout yesterday.

“It’s so disrespectful and small-minded of the victims of child rape to shun the great man in this way.

“Sure we all knew he had a predilection for having sex with children, that he paid 1.5 million bucks to women that he’d filmed going to the bathroom at his restaurant and that he served time in jail for trafficking a minor, but people need to forget all that trivial shit and concentrate on the effect the man had on the development of rock through the years. You know, important shit like that”

We also spoke to a 65-year-old woman who had been repeatedly raped by a man during her pre-teen years, who told us: “I can understand why people admire Mr Berry and it’s only right that they be allowed to express their upset at his death. However, I’d rather not do that and I’m sorry if I’ve upset anybody by keeping my own counsel on this one”

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Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump hide A Trump supporter’s hide, complete with tattoo, pictured on eBay last night

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House insider told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind…

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Battle of The Boffins: Who’s the smartest? Brains out of Thunderbirds or a Brain’s faggot?

The Whitechapel Whelk

Brains Thunderbirds OR Brains FaggotsThis short Q&A will finally give a definitive answer to the age-old question of who is the biggest boffin: Brains from Thunderbirds or a Brain’s faggot in rich gravy.

Here we go then!

Q: What is quantum mechanics?

Brains out of Thunderbirds answered: A branch of physics which is the fundamental theory of nature at small scales and low energies of atoms and subatomic particles

The Brain’s faggot asked for more time.

1-0 to Thunderbirds’ Brains

Q: How far is the sun from Planet Earth

Brains out of Thunderbirds answered: 92,955,807 miles using the theory of astronomical units.

The Brains faggot asked for a calculator

2-0 to Thunderbirds’ Brains

Q: What is the correct name for a meatball made from pork, offal and onions that is often enjoyed with a rich gravy accompaniment

Brains out of Thunderbirds answered: 186,000 miles per second.

The Brain’s faggot said: Is it a faggot?

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‘Dear Deidre’ wife sues The Sun over husband’s underpants fetish

The Whitechapel Whelk

dear dedrie Undercrackers! Mr & Mrs Dell pictured after another unsatisfactory romp last night.

A 25-year-old Whitechapel woman whose husband is a model for theDeidre’s Photo Casebook, agony column in The Sun newspaper, has taken the paper to court, blaming them for her husband’s insistence on them both wearing their underpants during lovemaking sessions.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a local government worker, blames the newspaper for being the cause of her husband, Toby’s fetish and the reason why the couple are childless, despite their having tried for a baby throughout their 4-year marriage.

Mrs Dell wept repeatedly as she told us: “I can’t go on like this. I feel as if I’ve reached the end of my tether.

“Before we were married and he got the job with The Sun we had a perfectly normal loving relationship.

“Then, he began coming home after a Dear Deidre photo shoot insisting that we wear…

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Stephen Fry held after man was ‘nutted’ outside Sherlock Holmes convention.

The Whitechapel Whelk

stephen-fry Two-fisted. Fry confronts journalists shortly before last night’s ill-fated convention

Actor and comedian, Stephen Fry, was being held in an East London police cell last night after an altercation outside a Whitechapel venue where a convention of fans of the victorian sleuth, Sherlock Holmes, had taken place earlier in the evening.

Following the disturbance, a 46-year-old man was taken to hospital with a suspected broken nose after Fry had allegedly head-butted him following a disagreement about the sub-plot of the iconic Holmes mystery: The Sign of Four.

An eye-witness to the alleged attack told reporters: “The evening had gone really well. We’d had a couple of guest speakers and then a showing of the 1939 version of The Hound of The Baskervilles starring Basil Rathbone.

“At the end of the evening, we all went to the bar for a drink. It was then that I noticed Stephen Fry and this…

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Labour Party executive unfairly dubbed ‘extremist’ due to their 99% extremist executive, claims report

 

corbyn im going nowhere

Labour leader, Corbyn, outlines his political future last night

 

A recent report by a university study group has shown that the tiny minority of the Labour Party executive who are not extreme left-wing activists – hand-picked by party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, to deliver his neo-communist message – are being unfairly maligned in the press and in their constituencies, and are generally being lumped in with their extremist colleagues.

The report found that up to 1% of the Labour front bench and the party executive are not in favour of the latest calls for renationalisation of all public services, compulsory acceptance of at least one, disabled, black, transgender midget to every boardroom in the land, and free travel on the buses for anyone who can prove they’re not Jewish.

We spoke to one disillusioned Labour MP last night who said: “I just want to champion a fairer society for everybody in the country, irrespective of class, colour, or creed.

“The trouble is, whenever I express my views to colleagues, I get shouted down and called an apologist for the Zionist boss class. I just can’t win”

Following last night’s humiliating by-election defeat in Copeland, Corbyn tried to rally his crestfallen troops by announcing the appointment of a one-legged Chinese paedophile with a learning disability as Shadow Secretary of State for Education.

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Paul Nuttall claims that “a very dear friend” developed a cough due to the Bradford fire disaster

United Kingdom Independence Party newly elected leader Paul Nuttall speaks after the announcement of his success in the leadership election, in London
Under fire UKIP leader, Paul Nuttall, told reporters last night that “a very dear friend developed quite a nasty cough” just days after the tragic Bradford City stadium fire in 1985 in which 56 people lost their lives.

Far right-winger, Nuttall is currently under intense media scrutiny after making false claims that he had lost “close personal friends” in The Hillsborough Disaster in 1989.

Looking visibly upset, Nuttall told pressmen outside his temporary home in Stoke – where he is due to contest a by-election next week: “I’ll never forget my dear friend’s words to me as long as I live.

“I met him when he was on a visit to the wonderful city of Stoke, where I was staying at the time and where I spend every available day due to my deep love of the place and everybody who lives in it.

“He told me, that about a week after the fire had claimed all those innocent lives, he started to suffer from quite a nasty cough and he swears it was due to smoke inhalation from the burning stand which he says he must have breathed in when he was hanging his washing out in Leeds.

“He looked a broken man, and if it hadn’t been for my love of Stoke and my horror at the thought of having to leave this magnificent city, I’d have given him a lift home”

When questioned further about his friendship with the man, Nuttall became defensive and told reporters “He wasn’t that close really. He came round to service my boiler once, but we did have a cup of tea together and a chat about football. Particularly, Stoke City, who are my second favourite team after Everton”

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