Outcry as Arsenal announce plans to introduce half-time dog fights

 

pit bull

There was widespread condemnation for the owner of Arsenal football club last night following his announcement to the press that, from next season, the club will be staging illegal dog fighting during the half-time interval

Owner, Stan Kroenke, who has already fuelled outrage with his recent plan to introduce an app linked to his TV channel MOTV which features big game hunting, told newsmen: “This football club has a proud tradition of combativeness on the field of play, so what better way to emphasise that than to have a few pit bulls having a bloody good scrap at half-time.

“It’ll give the fans a chance to wind down with a bit of sport and a bet along with their half-time pies and Bovril.

“Arsenal football club didn’t get to make 4th place in the league its own without being innovative on and off the park”

When a reporter pointed out that the club actually finished 5th last season, Kroenke bristled and snapped “Well maybe if we’d had some blood sports at The Emirates a bit sooner the players might have shown a bit more fight on the park”

In what is being seen as a copycat move, North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur, yesterday announced plans to replace the customary cheerleader display before kick-off with an hour of Argentinian bullfighting.

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Right-Wing Types in Talks to Make, ‘Charlie Gard: The Musical’

UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Farage speaks during an interview with Reuters in London

It is understood that a collection of unpleasant, right-wing demagogs are in advanced talks about a making a full-length, all-singing, all-dancing musical about the tragic youngster, Charlie Gard, whose parents lost a battle to have the child flown to America for treatment this week despite cautionary warnings of its futility from the most respected paediatric specialists in the world at London’s iconic, Great Ormond Hospital For Sick Children.

According to widespread rumours, Daily Mail boss, Paul Dacre has joined forces with fellow newspaper mogul, Rupert Murdoch, to produce an extravaganza based on the short and tragic life of Charlie and the constant heroic battle fought by his parents to remain in the media spotlight while refusing to face clinical facts with regards to their doomed child.

At the time of going to press it is understood that the controversial media personality and columnist, Katie Hopkins, has been approached to play the child’s mother, while ex-UKIP leader and close friend of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage has already  begun singing lessons and has accepted the role of the dad.

In other related news, Charlie’s parents are due back in court today pleading for a few more days in the media spotlight, where they hope to be further feted by the right-wing press and greeted with more supportive chanting outside the court building and hospital from people with extremely low IQs.

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My enamelled tin mug is from outer space, claims London man.

mug

A 50-year-old, diesel fitter from Whitechapel in East London has made the claim that a tin mug that he bought from a local store last week is from outer space and is made from a substance unknown to man.

Toby Dell, a divorced father of 8, told  journalists: “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my new mug comes from somewhere in outer space.

“As soon as I got it home and had a drink of tea out it I knew that this was no ordinary mug and that it must have come from another planet or even a different galaxy.

“I took it to the science museum for analysis, but they refused to do it and told me to go away.

“They obviously realised that it was an extra-terrestrial mug and didn’t want the news getting out in case it got people worrying about an alien invasion in the future”

Mr Dell is the 2nd person to have made rather outlandish claims in recent weeks. On 3rd June, a taxi driver from neighbouring Bow told his boss that Brexit had nothing to do with inherent racism amongst the older generation and that Donald Trump was going to make America great again

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The verb, ‘To Trump’, given alternative meaning by Oxford English Dictionary.

This is good shit right here. I should know. I wrote it.

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump book with whelk reccomendationThe iconic and definitive dictionary of the English language, The Oxford English Dictionary, has made the unprecedented move of giving a verb a dual meaning in their latest 2017 updated edition.

The Verb, ‘To Trump’ which was originally described in the dictionary as the playing of a high-value playing card in a game of Bridge, – has now been giving the alternative meaning of describing an act of utter stupidity or bungling incompetence.

The latest edition, published yesterday, contains the following entry:


VERB
1 – To commit an act of gross stupidity
1.1 – “Auntie Maude really trumped when she entered that lion’s enclosure covered in BBQ sauce”

NOUN
1 – A dullard or nincompoop
1.1 – “You really believe that Brexit is going to be good for Britain’s economy? Are you some kind of fucking Trump or something?!”

ADJ
1 -Describing a particularly poor choice or decision
1.1 –…

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HARRISON FORD DYING FROM DUTCH ELM DISEASE

 

harrison

On his way out. Ford pictured clinging on by a thread last night

 

It was announced last night that, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has Dutch Elm Disease and is not expected to last much beyond the new year.

Ford, 109, is famed for his wooden performances in over a thousand blockbuster movies, including the latest Star Wars epic, for which he received a sum equal to the national debt of Argentina.

A spokesperson for Pinewood Studios – named to commemorate Ford’s utterly inept performance in a film about the president of America on an aeroplane – said last night: “It is with great sadness that we announce the imminent death of our friend and benefactor, Harrison Ford. He is truly one of the good guys and a talented actor who could run the entire gamut of emotions from A to B. He will be greatly missed by his friends and bank manager alike”

Following his passing, Ford will be buried at sea with a 1-ton weight chained to his ankle to ensure that he doesn’t become a piece of driftwood and is washed up on a desert island a year or two later.

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BREAKING: Muslim terror gang hurl themselves at innocent white man’s van in Finsbury Park

The foul fiends!

The Whitechapel Whelk

Muslim-Brotherhood Some crazed Muslims pictured shouting the odds at a white van man the other day

Prime Minister Theresa May will chair an emergency meeting of COBRA later today as the nation reels from the news that a gang of radicalised Muslims last night hurled themselves at a white man’s van outside Finsbury Park mosque in North London.

Initial reports claim that the van was being driven by a 48-year-old Christian man who was probably on his way to visit his aged grandmother after spending the evening in prayer at his local church.

According to a Daily Mail reporter, who was drinking heavily in a nearby pub and who raced to the scene a couple of hours later, the attackers had crazed looks in their eyes and were yelling, “Allahu akbar” as they hurled themselves bodily at the front bumper of the van, causing at least £100 worth of damage.

An…

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Government launch urgent Grenfell Tower fire investigation after Chelsea woman reports soot stains on her net curtains.

 

Grenfell-Tower-Fire-Huge-Blaze-Breaks-Out-in-24-Storey-Residential-Block

A blot on the landscape. Grenfell Tower pictured upsetting the neighbours yesterday

 

Prime Minister, Theresa May, has ordered a top-level enquiry into the causes of the devastating fire that raged through 27 floors of Grenfell Towers in North Kensington yesterday after the wife of a venture capitalist complained to her local authority that soot and small fragments of burnt debris from the fire had collected on her net curtains.

Mrs Mary Fotherington-Smythe, 52, told reporters gathered outside her home in Cheyney Walk, Chelsea, last night: “The Filipina girl had just washed the nets and hung them at the window to the billiards room when I noticed that some sooty smuts had been blown onto them from that blasted fire up the road in the poor area.

“It really is not good enough and I have complained personally to The Lord Mayor of London who expressed his concern and has informed the Prime Minister.

“It’s bad enough that my husband and I were kept awake half the night by all the fire engines and ambulances that were going to the aid of these wretched people.

“I don’t wish to appear heartless, but if these individuals didn’t wish to be incinerated in their homes they should have moved to somewhere decent like Reigate in Surrey.

“We have friends there in actual fact and you never hear of them having to endure fire debris and the burnt remains of their neighbours soiling their net curtains”

In other related news, firefighters continue to search the still smouldering building for more bodies. The present death toll is 12. A figure that is expected to rise significantly as the grim search continues.

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