Local man keenly anticipating spending another entire day reading WordPress blog posts

The Whitechapel Whelk

frustrated_man_at_computer-600x400 Mr Dell pictured yesterday preparing to post a flattering comment on a post extolling the virtues of female genital mutilation.

A 66-year-old man from East Smithfield Street has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’s eagerly looking forward to yet another day poring over WordPress blogs.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer, was already seated in front of his laptop when a Whelk reporter spoke to him at 7.00am yesterday morning.

“I like to stick to a strict regime when it comes to my daily WordPress activities,” he said, excitedly perusing a blog post from an American septic tank company.

“I’m up bright and early each morning and aim to read at least 60 pieces before popping down to Tobacco Dock at 9.00am for a stroll along the wharf before my bowl of porridge. I find the fresh air and gentle exercise replenishes my enthusiasm for the next 6-hour stint…

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ITV viewer hospitalised following arts programme trauma

The Whitechapel Whelk

exhausted-by-stupid-people You too eh, sweetheart?

A 34-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was recovering in hospital last night after being admitted on Saturday evening suffering from shock brought on by accidentally watching the opening few minutes of a programme about art on ITV.

According to friends, Tracy Dell, a married mother of 2, has always been an avid ITV viewer and a huge fan of the channel’s traditional Saturday night game and talent show output, and it is believed that sudden exposure to a highbrow topic may have caused confusion and distress which led to her subsequent collapse.

Her husband, Toby, 38, told Dafty News: “Tracy loves her Saturday night ITV viewing. She packs the kids off to bed at 6.00 and settles down with a 6-pack of Skol Super and a family carton of Doritos to watch hours of game shows and talent contests.

“Then right out of the…

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A banana a day could extend your lifespan by up to 10 minutes claims Dick Van Dyke

The Whitechapel Whelk

o-DICK-VAN-DYKE-MARY-POPPINS-570Veteran actor and soft-shoe shuffle specialist, Dick Van Dyke, has told journalists that eating just one banana a day could increase the lifespan of the average person by an astonishing 10 minutes.

Van Dyke, 132, told a press conference in Limehouse in East London: “I’ve done loads of experiments in my garage on this one using rabbits and a couple of Sumatran gibbons, and the results were absolutely conclusive.

“After giving them a banana a day for 2 weeks, all the rabbits lived up to 10 minutes longer and I fully expect the gibbons to do the same”

The Mary Poppins star has already achieved worldwide medical acclaim by discovering that drinking 8 litres of liquid paraffin a day followed by a lit match is a fast-acting remedy that provides welcome relief for people with impacted stools.

Disclaimer: No rabbits or gibbons were harmed during the writing of this report…

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Last surviving African killed after falling down a manhole

The Whitechapel Whelk

Idaho Falls Manhole Demo 015 A manhole, believed to be similar to the one that accounted for the last Africa-dweller, pictured earlier

The last man left alive on the war-torn continent of Africa was killed in a tragic accident last night when he fell down a manhole outside a nightclub in Kenyan capital, Nairobi.

The unnamed man was believed to have been helping himself to drinks in the bar prior to the accident.

It is understood, that due to the fact that the continent is now completely devoid of inhabitants, nobody will be suing the local council for damages.

Sir Richard Branson is now believed to be interested in turning the place into a large car lot. A bit like Car Giant in London’s, White City.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, it might be an idea to look where you’re bloody going in future – Ed.

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Ask Menopausal Meg: The Hormonal Agony Aunt From Hell

The Whitechapel Whelk

meg “Your evening primrose oil or your life, mate!”

Dear Meg

I’m a 25-year-old male who, despite being reasonably attractive, still hasn’t slept with a girl. My problem lies in the size of my penis which is only 4″ long when erect.

Despite having had quite a few girls show an interest in me, I’m scared that once they see me naked it will put them off and that they might even laugh at me.

Please help me Meg as I’m a kind person who has so much love to give if only I could find a way past this small problem.

Toby Dell
Whitechapel
London E1

********************

Dear Toby

“Small problem” being the operative word, you snivelling, insignificant, dickless wonder!

Why don’t you just accept the fact that you’re a pathetic, laughable excuse for a man and leave the female population to get themselves serviced by men that don’t have…

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Yahoo mail to be blown up by demolition experts

The Whitechapel Whelk

yahoo-mail-logo Fail Mail: Yahoo Mail pictured in happier times

Troubled email provider, Yahoo, is to have all its accounts destroyed in a controlled explosion later on today.

It is understood that 5 tonnes of plastic explosive will be used in the operation, which will hopefully clear a space on the internet for the expansion of more successful providers, such as, Gmail and Outlook.

The blast will take place at 15.00 GMT and Yahoo clients are being advised to remain logged out of their accounts during the operation.

The East London demolition company carrying out the work, Dell Tracy Ltd, issued a statement last night: “We advise all Yahoo email users to stand at least 300 metres away from their laptop or device while we carry out the explosion.

“There may be a limited amount of falling debris, such as fragments of adverts and photographs, but hopefully there will be minimal disruption…

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BREAKING

Crime Update:

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