PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

The Whitechapel Whelk

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be an extremely demanding and even perilous business at times, particularly in the present uncertain international political climate.

Take last Wednesday for example. We were in the canteen at the station when we received a shout that a well-known Russian dissident had been found dead in suspicious circumstances in a local park.

My team immediately deployed to the scene where we were issued with protective, anti-radiation gear due to the hazard of contamination from any noxious substance or nerve agent that might be present in the area.

Fortunately, I had a bottle of Old Bushmills tucked into the back of my trousers, so while the other lads moved in to investigate further, I tucked into the grog and didn’t stop until I’d spewed my guts up inside my gas mask.

Evening all

PC Ted is the vice-chairman of the…

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Local woman’s stool splash-muffling device wins design award

The Whitechapel Whelk

Rustic-Ladle-Wrought-Iron-Cast-Soup-Spoon-Serving A Splash-Away pictured at the inventor’s home last night

A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman who has invented a device that eliminates the embarrassing, telltale ‘splashdown’ noise when going to the toilet, has won a prestigious design award from The Royal Institute of Engineers.

Tracy Dell’s, Splash-Away device has proved supremely popular, particularly with young women, keen to mask the fact that they’re having a bowel movement within earshot of their boyfriends.

The device, which resembles a large soup ladle, has already been snapped up in shops and online with over a million recorded sales during this year alone.

We spoke to Ms Dell at her home in Vallance Road last night who told us: “I got the idea for the Splash-Away after being taken short at my then boyfriend’s flat about two years ago.

“I’d just eaten a huge pie and mash supper and realised I needed a good clearout.

“I put…

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British politics divided over who’s the best Zee: Jay or Chimpan

The Whitechapel Whelk

House-of-Commons Monkey business. The House of Commons pictured in uproar yesterday afternoon

A furious debate is raging across the political divide as to who is the best zee. Is it the jungle-dwelling primate, Chimpan, or the rap star husband of Beyonce, Jay.

Opinion was fiercely divided amongst MPs in The House of Commons last night as the debate raged among members from all parties.

Labour’s left-wing firebrand, Denis Skinner, was vociferous in his assertion that Jay was head and shoulders above his sub-Saharan African rival: “There can be little doubt that Jay is the best zee by a country mile” he told a noisy debating chamber.

“I admit he’s not as good a singer as the chimpans, but at least he’s earned a few million quid and he gets to give Beyonce a scuttling on a Saturday night. That has to count for something”

Prime Minister, Theresa May, strongly rebuffed Skinner’s assertion, telling…

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Facebooking without the internet: A handy Whelk guide

The Whitechapel Whelk

thAvatar Selecting: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity; such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind.

Posting: Enter a crowded room holding aloft pictures of one of the following: Your dinner; a holiday snap; you in a drunken state surrounded by a number of equally inebriated halfwits; your utterly hideous child; a meme containing a profound epithet that you couldn’t possibly have come up with in a month of Sundays; a beloved pet that would quite frankly look better after being run over by a bus; or lastly; one of yourself taken in your teen years which proves beyond any doubt that you haven’t improved with age.
People with no life/job could also accompany this with a…

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William Shatner: I’ll never visit Whitechapel while killer hedgehog roams free

The Whitechapel Whelk

Captain Kirk whitechapel meme Shatner pictured refusing to boldly go to Whitechapel last night

Sci-fi TV show stalwart, William Shatner, has refused an invitation to host a Star Trek convention at a Whitechapel community centre on the grounds that a killer hedgehog that is currently at large in the borough could threaten his safety.

Speaking from his home in California, the 137-year-old star told The Whelk: “Normally, I would jump at the chance to visit a great place like Whitechapel, but with a killer hedgehog on the loose, it’s a chance I’m not prepared to take.

“I’ve been in many sticky situations during my career as a spaceship captain, like the time I shot a 3-headed monster with my ray gun that was about to eat Bones and Scotty, but there are limits I’m afraid and you have to draw the line somewhere.

“Maybe, if the police or the zoo capture the hedgehog and…

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Sarah Sanders quits to spend more time lying to her family

The Whitechapel Whelk

sarah “I’ll never leave you, Donald” Sanders hands in her resignation to a visibly upset President yesterday morning

White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders last night sensationally quit her role as Donald Trump’s mouthpiece, citing personal reasons and the fact that she wants to spend more time lying to her family

Sanders, 35, told a news conference last night: “While I have thoroughly enjoyed my time at The White House, defending the indefensible and lying through my teeth about everything; from the President’s intellect; to his fiscal policy; right down to his sexual adventures with porn stars.

“However, I now feel the time has come to step aside so that I can spend more time regaling my family and friends with spurious, unsourced facts, highly dubious premises, and downright, big fat whoppers.”

Sanders, who, aged 7, famously used to tell her pet kitten that it was a water buffalo, then…

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