OBITUARIES

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4554865-hulk-crying

Sleep tight, my friend. You were a bloody marvel.

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OUT NOW!

The Whitechapel Whelk

keyboard-warriorKeyboard Warrior Monthly© is a member of the Involuntarily Celibate Publishing Group

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WHITE HOUSE INSIDER LATEST

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump melaniaNEXT WEEK: White House Insider gets the lowdown on Rudy Giuliani’s 5-hour beauty routine

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SHOWBIZ NEWS

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cowell (black)

NEXT WEEK: Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ heritage search reveals that she’s a direct descendant of a troupe of Sumatran gibbons, famous for their screeching night calls and for telling outrageous lies to one another during their mutual grooming sessions.

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7 Things You May Not Know About Sarah Huckabee Sanders

The Whitechapel Whelk

sarah1: Sarah was born in the English town of Sheffield where she represented ‘The Steel City’ at cricket and rugby union at the tender age of 7

2: Sarah lost her virginity aged 35 to a Chilean communist coal miner. She later paid to have him murdered after complaining that the light on his helmet hurt her eyes

3: She has a collection of Donald Trump’s underpants and always wears a pair during White House press briefings, claiming that she can ‘feel his essence’ when answering tricky questions

5: She can play a number of popular tunes by slapping her double chins, and, as a youngster, once gave a rendition of I Was Born Under A Wandering Star at Nancy Regan’s 80th birthday party

6: Her sexual appetite is enormous and she once cavorted with 37 detective constables in just under an hour at the 92nd Policeman’s Ball in London…

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Pulp Friction

The Whitechapel Whelk

dick 2If you’ve been affected by any of the issues reflected in this graphic, please contact:

The I’ve Been Affected By A Comic Book Cover Advisory Council (Dick Section)

22 Throbber Street

Whitechapel E1

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Khashoggi killed by one of his own ricocheting kung fu stars say Saudis

The Whitechapel Whelk

khashoggiKhashoggi pictured in typical two-fisted mood last week. Picture courtesy of The Saudi Hand Chopping and Dissident Flogging Bugle

The Saudi Arabian government have made the claim that the missing journalist, Jamel Khashoggi, was killed during a violent melee in the Saudi consulate building in Turkey, after the furious newsman launched a number of kung fu stars at terrified staff, one of which, rebounded off a lampshade and struck him a fatal blow on the temple

A spokesman for the Saudi consulate said last night: “Mr Khashoggi was definitely looking for trouble that night.

“He looked dishevelled and had clearly been drinking heavily

“Without warning, he started acting like a crazy man and began hurling kung fu stars at staff members.

“Unfortunately for him, he was killed instantly by one of his own weapons which bounced back off of a light shade or a wall or something. The details are…

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