Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

The Whitechapel Whelk

kleenexA 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this…

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We’ll regain our place in British hearts by winning Olympic 2-man bobsleigh gold, say Meghan and Harry

The Whitechapel Whelk

bobUnderfire royals, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last night roared out a defiant message to the British people that they will once again become the Duke and Duchess of hearts by winning a gold medal for Great Britain in the next winter Olympic Games,

Speaking to reporters last night outside their California home, Harry said: “I know the British people are feeling a bit let down that Meghan and I have ceased our royal duties but we aim to put that right by winning a gold medal in the Olympics in the 2-man bobsleigh event.

“We’ve already started practising on the slide that goes into our pool and we’ve clocked up some pretty impressive times already.

“Once we’ve won gold we’ll come back to Britain as heroes, not like Edward and Mrs Simpson who were never accepted by the British people because she was a hard-faced old slapper and he…

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Whelk Appeal: Save Our Office Cat

The Whitechapel Whelk

fat catThe state of play in the newsroom earlier

This is an appeal on behalf of the office cat, Mrs Bastard.

The editorial staff came on shift last night to find the office cat from the company next door, ‘Gullysuckers Drains Inc’, had broken in and was sitting on top of our own Mrs B, demanding a ransom for her release from a grisly, bonecrushing demise.

We are therefore appealing to Whelk readers to dig deep in order to save this poor creature from her fate.

We have asked the chief executive of Gullysuckers if he could intervene but he told us to ‘f**k off out of it’

Send cash money, krugerrands or bankers drafts to:

The Head Barmaid
The Mrs Bastard Appeal Fund
The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Road
London E1

Thanks very much – Ed

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Local Woman Falls in Love With Google Pegman

The Whitechapel Whelk

pegmanRoadmap to romance? Pegman pictured playing it cool last night

A 52-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Maps Streetview.

Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the Google Pegman when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I began to notice how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell head-over-heels and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Maps while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now…

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Whelk Exclusive: Harry and Meghan set to rebuild Kray twins’ criminal empire

The Whitechapel Whelk

harry meghan kraysThe royal firm pictured in their terraced house in the Bethnal Green Road

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex plan to establish themselves as East London crime bosses in the style of the notorious Kray twins who ruled the London underworld in the late fifties and sixties.

We have learned from a man who sometimes drinks in The Carpenters pub in Bethnal Green, a former watering hole of Ronald and Reginald Kray and other members of their fearsome East End ‘Firm’, that Harry and Meghan have already started moving in on some of the local billiard halls, drinking clubs and illegal gambling dens, or, ‘spielers’ in and around the Whitechapel and Spitalfields area.

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us: “The Sussex firm are slowly taking over a lot of the East London clubs and drinkers and people are getting worried…

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Local man slew long lost, right-wing son with coal scuttle

The Whitechapel Whelk

brass-traditional-coal-bucket_5241A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was last week found guilty of the murder of the son he hadn’t seen since he was a one-year-old child after discovering he’d grown up with right-wing views.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, battered his 27-year-old son, Bob, with a brass coal scuttle after the pair, who had been reunited through a popular family-tracing website, had argued about a number of political issues, including Brexit, the current Conservative government and the forthcoming trial of Donald Trump.

The jury heard that Dell became increasingly agitated by his son’s outspoken bigotry; finally flying into a murderous rage when the young man expressed a liking for Brexit pioneer, Nigel Farage.

Sentencing Dell to life imprisonment, Mr Justice Terence Carter, presiding, told Dell: “You were clearly provoked by the idiotic and rancid views of your son, but there can be no excuse for killing him with…

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Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

The Whitechapel Whelk

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum of two children aged 6 and 9 so this lockdown period has been pretty stressful for me and the kids too as you can imagine.

Money has been very tight and I’ve even had to go without an evening meal sometimes to make sure the children are fed.

On top of everything I have fallen a few weeks behind with the rent on our flat and the landlord is threatening to evict us unless I can find the money within the next seven days.

I’ve begged him to give us more time but he won’t listen.

Please help if you can Danny as I’m desperate and don’t know which way to turn.

Tracy Dell
Berner Street
Whitechapel E1


Dear Tracy

I went round to see your landlord last night and began negotiations on your behalf by knocking some of his front teeth out…

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Local ‘troll’ found hanged after court seized mum’s dressing gown

The Whitechapel Whelk


Pic courtesy of Troll About Town magazine

A notorious internet troll was found hanged in his bedroom by his mother just hours after a court ordered the seizure of the dressing gown belonging to his mother which he habitually wore when sitting at his laptop sending hate messages to people in the public eye.

The wearing of a mother’s dressing gown is famously de riguer for the troll community and it is believed that the confiscation of this man’s ad hoc uniform may have pushed him over the edge.

The order came from a magistrate at Croydon Court in South London where the unnamed man appeared yesterday on charges of harassment and a number of public nuisance offences.

The magistrate told him: “You are clearly a somewhat pathetic individual who seeks validation through abusing people with a higher standing in society than yourself.

“I am therefore confiscating your mum’s dressing…

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Ladies. Put a stop to your husband’s constant self-abuse with the Mastur-Mate from the Whitechapel Bellend Foundry

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ladies. Are you sick of going without your womanly rights because your husband would rather sneak off to the bathroom to feed the ducks with a racy bongo mag tucked down the back of his trousers?

Then this ingenious little device is perfect for you.

One sharp rap across his lid while he’s wringing the bells will dampen his onanism almost immediately thereby increasing your chances of getting a half-decent scuttling at bedtime

Send just £3874.00 to The Whitechapel Bellend Foundry and we’ll despatch your Mastur-Mate at some vague point in the future


mastur-mate housewife

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February 3, 2021 · 08:21