Ten thousand Afghan refugees to be housed on Olly Murs’ big face

The Whitechapel Whelk

Olly - Copy

 

In a surprise announcement last night, the Foreign and Colonial Office has confirmed that up to ten thousand Afghans, fleeing the Taliban, will be offered temporary housing on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs, after arriving in this country.

A government spokesperson told newsmen: “The government are determined to rescue as many British nationals as possible along with Afghans who have put their own safety at risk to help our troops during the last twenty years.

“We have therefore decided to build a number of temporary homes on Olly Murs’ big face with a view to housing up to ten thousand refugees until more permanent residences can be offered further down the line.

“It is the government’s aim to house five thousand on his massive spam forehead with the rest being located on other parts of his gigantic dial, including his nostrils and ears, where elderly and…

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Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

The Whitechapel Whelk

simonPop entrepreneur and TV personality, Simon Cowell, is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, and Virgin Media boss, Richard Branson, who have recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips, by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed catapult, which, when attached to the braces on his massive, high waistband trousers will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell, 87, said: “Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I’ve been fascinated by space travel, so this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth’s atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true.

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet…

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Strictly Bombshell: Farage to compete in show’s first-ever male-crypto/fascist pairing

The Whitechapel Whelk

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In a surprise announcement last night, a spokesperson for the popular ballroom dancing-based TV show, Strictly Come Dancing, announced that controversial Brexit architect, Nigel Farage, will be joining the list of celeb competitors and will be paired with one of the male dancers in what will be the show’s first-ever male/crypto-fascist pairing.

In a statement released last night, the show’s producers revealed: “We are all about diversity and acceptance and are therefore delighted to welcome Nigel to the show and look forward to seeing the extreme right-wing, headbanger showing audiences what he can do, beyond convincing intellectually-challenged people to vote for a measure that will effectively chop the country’s balls off in an act of fiscal and cultural suicide”.

It is understood that the production company also approached reviled, hate-peddler, Katie Hopkins, with an offer to appear on the show but rowed back when she demanded the right to call…

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Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

The Whitechapel Whelk

tokyo2021cropThere was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in…

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Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble on grisly murder scene

The Whitechapel Whelk

trees-and-undergrowth-with-fernsDense undergrowth, typical of the type of area where dogs discover human remains

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.

“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.

“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by…

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Queen prefers Russian national anthem to ours, says Palace insider

The Whitechapel Whelk

Queen Elizabeth II took savage swipe at Vladimir Putin during visit | Royal  | News | Express.co.ukAnthem envy. Her Majesty is not amused as President Putin hums along to Russian anthem during 2007 state visit

According to a royal insider, Her Majesty, The Queen is an avid fan of the Russian national anthem, formerly the anthem of The Soviet Union, and has been in talks with the government to have it adopted as the anthem of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in place of, God Save The Queen, that Her Majesty has often described to friends and family as ‘A bloody awful dirge’

The Queen, apparently considers the Russian anthem, Госудáрственный гимн Росси́йской Федерáции, ‘nice and catchy’ and has been seen at international events, including, the soccer World Cup and the Olympics, humming and tapping her foot whenever it is played.

It is widely believed that The Queen has always hated the British anthem and has stubbornly refused to learn the words, citing the fact that…

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EDITOR’S NOTE. If you or a family member have a drink problem, put a stop to it at once by sending all your surplus income to us here at The Whitechapel Whelk. Our caring editorial team will ensure that it is spent on the finest grog available to humanity.

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Vast majority of men who exchange heart emoticons on Facebook extremely likely to use male moisturising products, claims study

The Whitechapel Whelk

male moist poofA recent study by Cambridge University has revealed that male Facebook users who routinely post heart emoticons on comments or status updates from other men are extremely likely to use male grooming products, in particular, moisturising cream.

Professor Tobias Dell, who led the two-year-long study, told New Scientist magazine: “Our results clearly show that men who routinely exchange love heart emoticons on the Facebook platform are almost certainly regular users of male grooming products, especially moisturiser, although some were also shown to habitually use skin-toning or rejuvenating products, particularly ones that smell of flowers and things of that nature”

These findings come hot on the heels of a recent survey by Yale University in The United States which revealed that the habitual exchanging of social media love hearts between adult males has led to a huge surge in demand for erectile dysfunction treatment and also a marked increase in men…

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I want to be laid to rest alongside Artoo Deetoo, says Queen

The Whitechapel Whelk

artooIn a leaked Palace document, Her Majesty, The Queen has revealed that she wants to be buried alongside the Star Wars droid, Artoo Deetoo.

In an appendix to her will, The Queen states: “I have always been a huge fan of the Star Wars series of films, and in particular, of Artoo Deetoo, who always comes across as a force for good and decency.

“I am therefore stipulating that my earthly remains be interred alongside those of Artoo’s if possible, or at the very least, that he is dug up and placed in a tomb alongside my own at Westminster Abbey when the time comes.”

Her Majesty’s request is reminiscent of her mother’s directive that she be buried alongside the hero of the 1950s TV series, The King Of The Rocket Men.

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ADVERTISING FEATURE

The Whitechapel Whelk

testicle mirrors

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“I still…

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