Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

The Whitechapel Whelk

writer A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

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SHOWBIZ NEWS

The Whitechapel Whelk

download (2)It’s a little-known fact that President Donald Trump, by his own admission, was a gifted and nimble-footed ballroom dancer, who, had his career not been tragically cut short by a bone-spur flare-up, would have gone on to reach unprecedented heights in the discipline, resulting in his being named as Time magazine’s Man Of The Year for a record 40 years in succession and then for a further half-century following his death.

It’s a sobering thought that a man who would gladly race into a besieged high school and take out a crazed gunman without a thought for his own mortality could also have achieved a perfect ’10’ from Len Goodman following an inspired paso doble at The Whitechapel Palais de Dance – Ed

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Strange But True #8713

The Whitechapel Whelk

brexit ferry cock up

This spoof front page, my friends, is based on a factual event which took place in this sceptred isle last week and is indicative of the complete shitshow that Brexit has now become.

Sometimes, our work as satirists is made simple by the actions of politicians.

This debacle is a case in point.

Still, we’ve got our country back, my friends!

Now, who ordered the Quatro Formaggio deep crust with pineapple?

ray liotta brexit meme

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Classic literature and its part in our castigation

The Whitechapel Whelk

little houseFollowing the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

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Number of attractive women desperate to have sex with losers from the internet set to soar in 2019

The Whitechapel Whelk

pretty girls Attractive women, some with brazen watermarks signalling their desperation, pictured in predatory mood last night

A recent report suggests that the number of women who are desperately keen to sleep with random men who make contact with them on the internet is set to soar in 2019.

This spells bad news for men right across the globe who are already under siege from the barrage of attractive women, desperate to have sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry that makes contact with them online, irrespective of looks, weight, disposition or personal hygiene.

A spokesman for Cambridge University in England, who conducted the survey, said last night: “Already we have seen a huge upsurge in the numbers of women who are mad keen on getting down to business with no-mark douchebags and unsavoury chancers who sidle up to them online and make inappropriate remarks.

“Our findings indicate that the vast majority…

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Whitechapel Named European District of Rupture

The Whitechapel Whelk

trussThe coveted, Golden Truss of Montreaux. Notice how its goldness has faded down the years due to wear and tear and so on

The people of Whitechapel were in jubilant mood last night after beating off stiff competition from over 500 major towns across Europe to win the prestigious, European District of Rupture Award, the first East London area ever to do so.

Each year, the prestigious, Golden Truss of Montreaux, is awarded to the town or district which can boast the highest number of people per square mile who are suffering from a rupture.

Whitechapel narrowly pipped Berne in Switzerland for the crown by notching up an estimated 67 rupturees, compared to 63 from their Swiss rivals.

Whitechapel’s Mayor, The Honourable Toby Dell, MBE, told newsmen: “This is a great accolade for the area and a tribute to its people.

“I knew that a lot of people round here…

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Local Teen begins Xmas Day masturbation plans

The Whitechapel Whelk

Image result for xmas house A house at Xmas, inside which, a teen may, or may not, be masturbating

A 16-year-old Whitechapel boy has begun making plans to masturbate successfully on Christmas Day in a clandestine manner that won’t carry the risk of being disturbed or discovered by relatives.

Toby Dell, an engineering student from Commercial Street, is hoping to get at least 3 sessions in on the big day, starting with an early morning Xmas Day ‘tube clearance’ in the bathroom while everyone’s still asleep.

Dell then plans to squeeze in a pre-lunch session in the downstairs toilet while the family are enjoying a few drinks, or are helping with the preparation of Christmas lunch.

The youngster, who last Christmas, successfully masturbated through his pocket at an evening carol service at Christ Church in Spitalfields, then hopes to pleasure himself to completion in the shed while everyone’s having a post-lunch afternoon nap.

Dell realises…

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