Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Totally Ineffectual, Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

The Whitechapel Whelk

bat can & rob tin meme

It was a chill January afternoon in Whitechapel, East London. A nagging north wind tugged at the clothes of Mr Patel as he loaded his small van with goods from the cash and carry.

Among them were the staunch, crime-busting duo, Bat Can and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, who were on a cellophane-wrapped pallet at the back of the van.

They were vigilant and uneasy, aware that a number of audacious robberies had been committed in the area over recent weeks.

Suddenly, and without warning, all hell broke loose. Mr Patel was coshed from behind and fell heavily to the ground as two masked men began snatching the goods from the van and transferring them into the back of a large, white Ford Transit.

The two ace crime fighters knew there was no time to lose if the fiends were to be stopped from escaping with their valuable booty…

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Thames Garden Bridge to be replaced by Joanna Lumley in a rowing boat

 

rowing-boat

Lumley pictured going through her paces at Wapping Dock yesterday

 

The trust behind the ill-fated and controversial, Thames Garden Bridge Project, finally admitted that the plan was dead in the water last night and would now be replaced by a rowing boat containing project enthusiast actress Joanna Lumley and a bunch of flowers.

A spokesperson for the Garden Bridge Trust told us last night: “Due to the lack of enthusiasm from big businesses who were loath to invest in a bridge with trees on it, we have decided to abandon the plan and to focus instead on buying a second-hand rowing boat which will cross from Upper Thames Street to London Bridge three times a day during the week and once on Saturdays and Sundays.

“Our great friend, Joanna Lumley, has agreed to row people across, with a rose clenched between her teeth and a pot of chrysanthemums between her legs.

“We are hoping that the fares collected will recoup some of the 60 million quids worth of taxpayer’s money that we have basically spunked up the wall for them”

We spoke to Miss Lumley last night at her home in Islington who told us: “I haven’t rowed a boat since 1965 but I’m prepared to give up the gin and the gaspers and give it a jolly good go sweetie”

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Facebooker’s dismay at ‘low rent’ opening death in 2017.

 

jill-saward

Jill Saward, whose death yesterday failed to reach 2016 standards

 

A starstruck Facebooker has expressed his disappointment, at what he sees, as the poor quality of the first newsworthy death of the new year.

Jill Saward, a fierce campaigner for the rights of women who have been the victims of sexual assault and a rape victim herself in the 1970s, died yesterday aged 51.

Mr Toby Dell, 54, who treats the death of celebrities as if he’s just been informed that his mother has been crucified by ISIS, told us last night: “I was disgusted when I spotted all the furore over the death of this woman on the news last night.

“I mean to say, has she ever appeared in a film or even a TV series? She doesn’t even look good for God’s sake. If 2017 goes on like this it will be a very poor show indeed after the celebrity death fest we were treated to last year. Talk about low rent”

When we told Mr Dell of Jill’s tireless campaign to raise awareness about the treatment of rape victims and of her own horrific ordeal, he shrugged his shoulders and said: “And you expect me to change my avatar and pour out my heart on my timeline for that do you? I think not. Come back to me when you have evidence that she once appeared in a film firing a ray gun and I might have a rethink”

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The Queen is dead and Obama is responsible: Russia Today.

 

queen-elizabeth-ball-gown

The Queen pictured hours before she was murdered according to Russia Today

 

Fake News artists and Vladimir Putin media puppets, Russia Today, are sensationally claiming that Her Majesty, The Queen, is dead and that United States President, Barack Obama, killed her.

In today’s leader, they claim that Obama shot The Queen with a poison-tipped dart as she boarded a helicopter last week.

“The Queen of England was being helped to climb aboard a helicopter en route to Sandringham last week when President Obama shot her in the back of the neck with a dart from a blowpipe.” claims the 500-word article.

“He was hiding behind some wheelie bins and used hunting skills that he’d picked up in Africa, where he was born and spent the first 40 years of his life.

“The Queen died a few hours later, which is why she hasn’t attended church over the festive period.

“If The Queen does make a public appearance in future, it won’t be her. It will be that lady who goes around impersonating her for money. The British will be too scared to publically accuse Obama of murder in case he comes back and takes out Prince Philip as well”

In other news, Russia Today claim that they dropped a shipment of teddy bears on a children’s hospital in Aleppo yesterday, which flies directly in the face of accounts from witnesses on the ground who claimed they were barrel bombs.

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Google to introduce ‘celebrity death risk’ app in 2017

The Whitechapel Whelk

grim-reaper-grave-front-t-shirt-printThe Whitechapel Whelk has learned that internet giants, Google, will be introducing a subscription-based add-on to their latest Chrome browser in January 2017 which will enable subscribers to receive early warnings of a possible celebrity death.

Google hope that the ‘Mourn-o-Mate’ app will alert people whenever a celebrity is at a high to medium risk of passing away thereby enabling them to get their intensive Wikipedia research done in advance.

This, in turn, will make them appear to have been a lifelong devotee of the dead person in question with an encyclopaedic knowledge of their early life and career when they make their tribute post on Facebook within minutes of the announcement of their passing.

The app will issue an alert to the subscriber’s device whenever a celebrity calls the doctor and requests a home visit, or shows up on television looking alarming old and gaunt and sporting a deathly…

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National outpouring of grief following Katie Hopkins “I’ve never felt better” revelation.

The Whitechapel Whelk

katie-hopkins-memefrom our odious bitch queen correspondent, Danny SoZ.

There was a nationwide outpouring of grief last night after controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, announced on her radio phone-in show that she is hale and hearty and has “never felt better”

Hopkins, notorious for her far right views and for her frequent outbursts on immigration and for her crass condemnation of people of colour in general, dropped the health bombshell during her 10.00 am show on LBC yesterday.

Following a ranting tirade against striking junior doctors, during which she called for armed police to open fire on hospital picket lines, Hopkins alluded to her own battle against epilepsy and her recent brain surgery.

“Naturally, I’m quite grateful to the National Health Service for taking good care of me during my recent stay in hospital.

“However, I still maintain my position, that should any of my surgical team take industrial action…

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George Michael was killed in US airstrike claims Russia Today

 

George Michael

Last Christmas? Yep, pretty much, and it’s all thanks to the Yanks says Russia Today

 

Following the death of pop superstar, George Michael last night, Russian media outlet, Russia Today, have sensationally claimed that Michael was killed by a guided missile fired from an American F16 fighter jet whose pilot was under direct orders from President Barack Obama to neutralise the Last Christmas star.

In a bulletin hours after the star’s death had been announced by his publicist, a Russia Today newsreader made the astonishing claim: “George Michael was targeted by the United States Airforce, no question. He was killed by a heat-seeking missile, specially programmed to target his oven when he opened the door to get the turkey out.

“Our heroic President, Vladimir Putin, tried to intervene when he learned of the plan, but Obama wouldn’t listen, just as he won’t listen when Mr Putin begs him to stop bombing other countries in case innocent civilians are killed.

“George Michael is just another statistic as far as the Americans are concerned. They are ruthless, indiscriminate killers, ostensibly fueled by capitalist greed and an imperialist lust for power.

“The only reason they’re not bombing hospitals and schools in Syria is because we got there first”

In a poignant footnote, Michael’s partner, Toby Dell, a balding 50-year-old hairdresser with a speech impediment, who narrowly escaped death because he was outside in the garden, hanging out the washing when the strike took place, told reporters “George had just finished a cup of tea and asked me to put it in the dishwasher. His last words to me were, “Hairless lisper. Take me cup before you go bro”

Satirist’s Note: In the name of all that’s holy look for the satirical message in the piece before you start whining about “poor taste” and making assertions that it’s “too soon”

You see, if you do that you won’t end up making a cunt of yourself in public.

Merry Christmas!

 

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