God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

The Whitechapel Whelk

Image result for angry godOi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to…

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Milk cartons have become too difficult to open says Donald Trump

The Whitechapel Whelk

trump whelkUnited States President, Donald Trump has complained that today’s milk cartons have become, ‘too fancy’ for the average man in the street to open and that manufacturers of the containers need to return to the old tried and trusted designs.

Speaking at a rally in Montgomery, Alabama, Trump told supporters: “Today’s milk cartons are just crazy. They’re way too fancy.

“They don’t even stick to one design. There seem to be so many different types these days.

“I spent over half an hour of valuable golfing time trying to open one last week.

“It was so damn tricky I had to call in Don Junior to give me a hand and even he couldn’t figure it out and he went to Harvard or one of those other fancy colleges

“In the end, I held it over the sink while Junior cut the top off with a pair of bolt croppers.

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HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

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jacob sovereignty rubAh yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

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WORLD NEWS

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Trump/Kim talks falter. Trump alludes to “some differences but a meeting of minds” – Associated Press

trump and kimmy

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PULP POLITICS

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pulp brexitBREXIT UPDATE: It’s still a complete shitshow but not quite as complete and spectacular a shitshow as they are currently watching unfold in The United States of America.

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One day I’ll be Queen of England vows Boris Johnson

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See the source imageIn a surprise announcement, former Foreign Secretary and staunch Brexiteer, Boris Johnson has announced plans to accede to the throne after The Queen has died.

Writing in his Daily Telegraph column, the famously ambitious Johnson, said: “I can conceive of no earthly reason why I should not be made Queen after the death of Her Majesty.

“I went to a good school, my Latin is at least on a par with Rees-Mogg’s, and even if I do say it myself, I have a certain regal bearing.

“I can’t see there being any objections from the royal family, to be honest. In fact, they’ll probably welcome my ascension to the throne

“It will give William the chance to go back to flying helicopters and Harry will be able to concentrate on getting rat-arsed and shagging that fine-looking colonial filly he’s shacked up with.

“At the end of the day, post-Brexit, this…

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I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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Image result for assA clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

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