Allepo to hold minutes silence for Manuel out of Fawlty Towers

 

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Devastated: Syrian youngsters express their grief at the death of Manuel out of Fawlty Towers

 

The beleaguered residents of the war-torn town of Aleppo are to hold a minutes silence later today as a mark of respect for Manuel out of the popular comedy show, Fawlty Towers, who died yesterday from being very old.

We spoke to one man as he crawled from the rubble of his home following a Russian airstrike that had just wiped out his wife and children, “I was pretty cut up when the Russians took out the wife and kids just now, but this news that Manuel out of Fawlty Towers has died at a ripe old age has come as a real hammer blow.

“It’s only decent that those of us who haven’t yet been blown apart by Russian bombers should hold a minutes silence to pay our respects”

We spoke to a Kremlin representative last night, who told us: “A minutes silence eh? Well, we’ll just have to see about that won’t we comrade”

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Nigel Farage secures job as White House shoe shine boy

The Whitechapel Whelk

farage-twatInterim UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, was jubilant last night as he told reporters that his meeting on Saturday with President-elect, Donald Trump, has led to his being offered a temporary position as White House shoe shine boy.

A beaming Farage said: “This is a momentous day for myself and my family.

“President Trump – I don’t bother with the elect bit – has offered me a position as the official shoe shine boy at The White House on a probationary basis for three months, with the job becoming permanent if I show a willing attitude and display sufficient gratitude.

“I’m hoping, that if I show plenty of initiative and go about my daily shoe shining with a cheery demeanour, I may one day move up to being a washroom attendant or even Mr Trump’s personal valet.

“He was so kind during our two-minute meeting. It was like being in…

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Tooth Fairy in foul-mouthed tirade against “f*****g Beano” Russia Today

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RT’s editorial leader in last Thursday’s edition

In a shock outburst yesterday, The Tooth Fairy lashed out at the Putin-sponsored online newspaper, Russia Today, or “RT” as it now prefers to be known.

Speaking to Soz Satire, the normally mild-mannered winged pixie tore into the widely discredited Kremlin mouthpiece. “How the fuck can sane and rational people swallow the utter bilge that is pumped out on a daily basis by RT? Just tell me that.

“Even their own journalists are constantly resigning after being instructed to write state-fed, unsubstantiated rumours and downright lies for God’s sake.

“I regularly see their laughable propaganda splurged all over Facebook by people with an IQ below their shoe size and it has to stop.

“These utter fucktards would be better served and more widely-informed if they took out a subscription to the fucking Beano”

We tried to speak to one of the editorial team at RT last night but were told that most of them were working on a breaking news story that President Obama is a gay KGB double agent and that his wife, Michelle, once starred in a dwarf/amputee porno film.

The remainder of the editorial staff have apparently been imprisoned in Lublanka for refusing to run a story on Putin’s legendary – and strictly heterosexual – gymnastic prowess in the bedroom.

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BREAKING NEWS UPDATE:

The Whitechapel Whelk

The United States nuclear codes have been mislaid.

“Now where did I put them?” says Pentagon official.

And now, here’s some music: “Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful d…”

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BREAKING: The United States electoral map earlier this morning.

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PC Ted Stupor: The drink-ravaged Whitechapel bobby you can trust

The Whitechapel Whelk

PC-Ted-Stupor

Evenin’ all.

Police work in London’s inner city can be a risky and even a life-threatening business at times, where vigilance and alertness are key.

In these cash-strapped times for the Metropolitan Police, it is not always possible to deploy two constables on one beat, and this is why I trained as a skilled dog handler, so that I could take my loyal and brave four-legged friend, “Smirnoff” with me when patrolling some of the more lawless parts of East London. Over time, I’ve grown to love him dearly and he is now an established and cosseted firm favourite with the whole family.

Only last week, we were patrolling some of the mean and dimly-lit streets around Commercial Road, when I spotted a notorious crack dealer pedalling his deadly wares on a street corner.

With the comforting presence of Smirnoff by my side, I approached the villain. He was clearly…

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All three Brexit judges could be adult babies who enjoy nightly romps with ladyboy gibbon hookers suggests Daily Mail

The Whitechapel Whelk

gibbon-copy A pre-pubescent gibbon shrieks in alarm after spotting a passing High Court judge

There were further shocking revelations about the three High Court judges who made the ruling on the triggering of Article 50 on Wednesday last night after The Daily Mail revealed that there is no evidence to disprove that all three men aren’t debauched adult babies who slake their unnatural cravings by having wild sex romps with ladyboy gibbon prostitutes.

The Mail goes on to speculate that some of the unfortunate primates could even be underage and under the influence of mind-bending hallucinogens, and may have been forced at knifepoint to drink powerful, homemade hooch to make them more compliant to the debauched attentions of the sick and depraved judicial sex monsters.

This latest example of unfounded media conjecture will come as a bombshell to Brexit voters, already sickened by Wednesday’s revelation that one of the judges is…

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