Prince Andrew demands trial by Juke Box Jury

The Whitechapel Whelk

andyAndrew in happier times, belting out, ‘American Girl’ on America’s Got Talent last year

Embattled royal, Prince Andrew, threw down a defiant challenge to the legal team of his accuser, Virginia Giuffre, last night when he demanded that the case against him of having underage sex with Ms Giuffre be heard by a panel of four celebrities in the style of the hit 1960s BBC TV show, Juke Box Jury.

It is understood that he wants his case to be heard by a panel consisting of Adam Faith, Lulu, Shakin’ Stevens, and Billy Fury, who will listen as he outlines his defence from behind a curtain before giving their verdict on the buzzers of ‘nonce’ or ‘not guilty numpty’.

Veteran JBJ stalwart, David Jacobs, told newsmen: ‘I have recently been approached by Andrew and will consider taking on the gig if the money’s right

‘I don’t know about him being…

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PM plays down No.10 lockdown orgy furore: Staff only fondled using socially distanced hands on springs, says Johnson

The Whitechapel Whelk

49942180471_286b561432_b‘They were like this hand but on springs’ Johnson explained to a BBC correspondent

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson was at the centre of another #Partygate storm last night as former key advisor, Dominic Cummings, told The Times newspaper that a Roman-style orgy was held at Ten Downing Street during the height of the 2020 lockdown.

Cummings claims that up to 100 guests, including the prime minister and his wife, romped naked while caterers hired by Number 10 passed around cheese and wine along with condoms and various sex toys.

In a no-holds-barred interview, Cummings claims: ‘It was like a Roman orgy in there, to be honest.

‘I saw Cabinet ministers and parliamentary private secretaries going at it full pelt on the carpet and tables.

‘At one point, I saw Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was dressed as a 19th century serving wench, being pleasured by Brexit hardman, Steve Baker and his missus.

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PC Ted Stupor: The drink-fuelled London bobby you can trust

The Whitechapel Whelk

PC Ted (New)

Evening all!

Now, London can be an extremely difficult place to retain law and order, with rowdy public demonstrations just one of the daily situations that we bobbies are confronted with on an almost daily basis.

Take last Friday for example.

With feelings running high following yet more revelations of raucous parties being held in the offices at Downing Street at the height of the pandemic, we found ourselves called out to a rowdy demo in Whitehall where hundreds of angry protestors had gathered to express their rage at the fragrant breaches of lockdown guidelines by the very people charged with implementing them.

We sped to the scene, mob-handed, and while my colleagues joined the protestors in calling for Johnson to do the decent thing and resign, I shot into The Moon On The Mall boozer and sank 15 pints of Stella with half a dozen Jim Beam chasers.

As…

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Prince Edward has been dead for past five years, says Palace spokesman

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prince edEdward pictured in happier times after opening a branch of Walmart in Kentish Town

Buckingham Palace last night made the surprise announcement that the Queen’s youngest son, Prince Edward, died unnoticed in 2017 following a short illness.

A spokesman for the Royal Family explained, “His Royal Highness Prince Edward passed away about five years ago but we can’t be sure about the date.

“We think it was probably during the summer but I’m afraid the exact details are a bit sketchy, to be honest.

“One of the maids found him on the floor in his bed-chamber but she thought he’d been drinking so he was left there for a few days.

“Eventually, he was taken to an undertaker in Putney to be cleaned up and so on”

“The Queen and Prince Philip were informed at the time, but they were on a tour of some Commonwealth countries and had probably…

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Nobody disses The Queen and Lives: Pope’s stark message to No.10 revellers

The Whitechapel Whelk

pope francisA furious Holy Father pictured last night

Pope Francis, last night delivered an uncompromising message to the Downing Street employees who held a boozy bash, complete with disco and DJ, while Her Majesty The Queen sat alone and socially distanced in St George’s chapel, mourning the loss of her husband of 73 years,

Speaking from The Vatican to assembled newsmen, The Holy Father stormed: ‘The Queen is a good friend and these lousy individuals have disrespected her in her time of grief.

‘I’m going to make the ringleaders pay for this with their lives.

‘The hangers-on, including the scumbag who went to the off-licence for more liquor, will be beaten and thrown in a dumpster with the trash, which is where they belong.

‘I’ve already picked a little firm of priests to get the job squared away and they’re on a flight to Heathrow as we speak.

‘The Queen may…

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When is a party not a party?…

The Whitechapel Whelk

beastie

Why, when it’s a ‘work event’, of course!

That was how our esteemed Prime Minister described a ‘gathering’ of government lickspittles, himself included, that saw fit to have a boozy scrimmage in the  Downing Street garden in May 2020 while the rest of us were huddled in our homes, eating black market toilet paper and wondering how long we had to live.

However, he did go on to explain that the, ‘Bring your own booze’ bevvy-up, ‘Technically falls within the guidance.’ So that’s alright then.

Here’s another geezer who could bring home a gold medal in the Lying Olympics…

prince andrew

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Quarantined local man set to recreate going to football match in own home

The Whitechapel Whelk

west ham badgeA 54-year-old Whitechapel man who will be unable to attend a football match this evening due to quarantine restrictions has told The Whelk that he intends to replicate the experience of watching the game, using his own home as the venue, while his back garden will be utilised to recreate travelling to the event.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: “I was gutted when I tested positive for covid on Sunday because I knew I’d be in breach of the quarantine rules if I went to the West Ham v Norwich match tonight.

‘However, I’ve decided to do the next-best thing by creating the whole experience at home.

‘At around 5.00 pm, I’ll go out to the shed to replicate going to the pub for a pre-match booze-up by drinking cans of lager until I can barely stand.

‘I shall then recreate the walk to the ground…

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Local man had sizzling phone-sex romp during marriage guidance session

The Whitechapel Whelk

phoneA 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he indulged in phone sex with a female work colleague during a marriage guidance session attended by himself and his wife.

Toby Dell, from Brushfield Street, told us: ‘The wife insisted we undergo marriage guidance as we’ve been going through a rocky patch and I reluctantly agreed.

‘After around ten minutes with the counsellor, a woman at my work that I’ve been sleeping with, rang my mobile and started describing what she’d like to do with me.

‘Fortunately, I had my earbuds in as I was listening to the cricket from Australia so neither my wife nor the counsellor knew what was going on.

‘However, things got so heated between us that I reached a climax and had to muffle my cries of ecstasy by blowing my nose violently into a hankerchief while nodding enthusiastically at the woman, as if I…

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‘Novax’ unhappy with quality of quarantine hotel hookers, says mum

The Whitechapel Whelk

novaxThe mother of controversial tennis star, Novak Djokovic, has told newsmen that her son is not at all happy with the quality of the call girls at the Australian hostel where he is being quarantined as lawyers sort out the legal wrangle surrounding his right to enter the country.

Mrs Djokovic told reporters: ‘I spoke to him last night and he’s extremely upset at the poor quality of some of the hookers attached to the hotel.

‘He’s a huge sado-masochism and bondage fan and he told me last night that one of the girls had no handcuffs, no bullwhip, and refused pointblank when my son wanted her to wear a gimp mask, claiming she was anti-vax and had no time for all that mask nonsense.

‘He also wants to know why his application for a free, six-bedroom council house and a flat screen television has been turned down while immigrants…

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