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The Whitechapel Whelk

Mince-O-MiteThe Mince-O-Mite is lovingly machine crafted using only the finest quality, non-bio-degradable plastic by Bangladeshi orphans

Send £21,003 in cash + £570 P&P to: 

The Whitechapel Mint
22 Shit Street
Whitechapel
London E1

No Quibble Guarantee:If your Mince-O-Mite doesn’t arrive within 6 months, write to our customer relations dept and we’ll send round 2 or 3 big geezers with iron bars to sort out your problem once and for all.

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Tech News: New Apple smartwatch will alert you to people in the same room who have a wooden leg

The Whitechapel Whelk

watchBreakthrough: An Apple iWatch 5 pictured last night

The Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled their latest piece of innovative technology in the shape of the Apple iWatch 5, which will not only tell you the time of day with a fair degree of accuracy but will also alert you to the fact that somebody in the same room as yourself has a wooden leg.

Speaking at last night’s Apple Special Event from The Steve Jobs Centre, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told a thousand-strong audience: “This device will change the way you look at people in the same room forever.

“Now, instead of wondering whether any of them has a wooden leg, this device will emit a series of beeps whenever anybody who is fitted with one comes within 3 metres of the wearer”

Apple hopes that the device will be a boon to wearers who smoke and can’t find anywhere to…

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Social Media Update

The Whitechapel Whelk

facebookWuff oo babes! ((((((HUGZZZZZZ)))))) – Ed

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OUT NOW!

The Whitechapel Whelk

trumpsterThe Trumpster is now available in a handy pop-up picture version for the President’s core supporters and Betsy DeVos

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The Donald Trump Publishing Group Bring You…

The Whitechapel Whelk

alternate factsPUBLISHER’S NOTE: The Little Golden Book of Alternate Facts has outsold every other book that has ever been published. It’s been tremendous. If I told how tremendous you wouldn’t believe me.

More people have bought this book than showed up to my inauguration which broke all records for inaugurations, especially Obama’s, where only his family could be bothered to turn up. SAD.

A slice of the proceeds from the sale of this book will go to the fund: Justice for Paul Manafort (who’s a tremendous man by the way) after I’ve taken my cut. I just want to wet my beak

Enjoy your read (or, if you’re like me, looking at the pictures)

President Donald

Mar A Lago

Murica

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NEWS IN BRIEFS

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Subscribe today and win a sound kick up the arse, every day for the rest of your life!

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OUT NOW!

The Whitechapel Whelk

Here’s one that we came up with yesterday that has already got us into trouble with members of the opposite species on some social media platforms. I blame the recent shortage of Evening Primrose Oil – Ed

PMT_Monthly_-_August_2018

We lubs ya really, ladies 😀

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