Government announce plans to cull self-published writers

The Whitechapel Whelk

self published bookIn what is being seen in some quarters as a controversial move, the Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, last night announced a two-year plan that will see 8 million self-published writers trapped and humanely destroyed in a bid to stop the burgeoning number of people who are paying licenced bandits to have their abysmal copy shoved into a cheap paper jacket before being flogged on Amazon at some risibly optimistic price before being given away free a few weeks later with a subscription to a DIY magazine.

It is estimated that 99% of this output will be bought by a few family members and reluctant friends who will stick their hands in their pockets out of a mixture of pity and loyalty. The remaining 1% will be used as cheap draught-excluders by Scottish people.

Mrs Rudd told a late-night sitting in The Commons: “The self-publishing figures are growing out of control…

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BREAKING: Government urges people to make small talk during a nuclear strike.

The Whitechapel Whelk

nuclear-bomb-explosion-blast-city-shutterstock528910063The government yesterday issued new guidelines on how to react when under nuclear attack, advising people to make banal small talk during any future apocalyptic bombardment

In the official booklet: ‘The Nuclear Winter and You: A Handy Guide’, the government urges people to, “Have a chat with a friend or neighbour, broaching harmless topics such as gardening, light entertainment, crochet, or cookery

“By making small talk and discussing mundane, everyday matters, your mind will naturally turn to more pleasant fare until the moment comes when you are turned into a negative”

Meanwhile, in the United States of America, President Donald Trump responded positively to Britain’s initiative in a 2.00am tweet: ‘The great people of Britain are showing the world how to deal with uranium which can be a bad thing, believe me. These are tremendously great people, my friends. So great. Have I run out of characters ye…’

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The Art of Blogging #2

 

wordpress val

WordPress Family Val Hughes pictured earlier

1: Keep it short. 1 to 3 words maximum. Any longer and no fucker will read it, trust me

2: Put a picture of a flower at the top

3: Visit shedloads of other blogs, making irritating, over-the-top comments.

4: Wear a silly hat

NEXT WEEK: How hosting a blog based on sceptic tank emptying and/or the Christian faith will make you better in bed.

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Constant Facebook whining about health issues more effective than homoeopathy say doctors

hospital 2

Facebook whining in the olden days

A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.

The report states, that according to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their tedious condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any beneficial effect whatsoever.

A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whiners are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their whinging old toot and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned.

These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who inflict their risible taste in music on their Facebook friends deserve hanging and hanging high.

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FOREIGN NEWS: Outcry as Glasgow Western Infirmary demolished with patients still in it.

The Whitechapel Whelk

hospital Patients at the Western Infirmary pictured after watching the 6 o’ clock news

from our filthy foreigner correspondent

There was fury last night as the iconic, Western Infirmary in Glasgow was demolished with over 500 patients still inside.

The University of Glasgow, who now own the property and ordered its demolition to make way for new campus buildings, were unrepentant last night.

A university spokesman told The Whelk: “It was bad enough having to pay £14 million for the place without the added expense of moving patients to another hospital.

“Let’s be honest here, there’s a pretty good chance that some of them would have died in any case”

This latest move is reminiscent of the recent demolition of The Grosvenor Hotel in London’s exclusive Knightsbridge, which took place while 35 people were just sitting down to high tea in The King George V Lounge.

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Whitechapel man dumps girlfriend following iron vagina confession.

The Whitechapel Whelk

pretty girl iron vagina Ferrous fanny? A pretty girl pictured earlier, but does she secretly have an iron vagina?

A 20-year-old local man has ended his 2-year relationship with his 19-year-old girlfriend after she confessed that she has an iron vagina, we can reveal.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck salesman, told The Whelk: “We’d had a few drinks while we were watching Netflix at her flat last Saturday night when she blurted out that she had an iron vagina.

“She explained that she’d had it fitted when she was 16 by a previous boyfriend who was a metal fabricator.

“He told her that it would last much longer than a conventional one, and, that if she avoided going out in the rain naked, it would last for her entire lifetime.

“Naturally, I was shocked and disgusted and told her to get out.

“She refused on the grounds that it was her flat so I…

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Netanyahu hits back after Priti Patel 1-star rating on TripAdvisor

Benjamin-Netanyahu

Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.

Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”

She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”

Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”

Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”

It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.

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