Great News for State Sponsored Murder Enthusiasts

The Whitechapel Whelk

capital punishment magCapital Punishment Monthly is part of The Eye For An Eye publishing group. All rights reserved on pain of death.

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LIFESTYLE: Fitness For The Under-Fives

The Whitechapel Whelk

tots healthTot’s Health is part of The Infant Liver Damage and Torn Tendons Publishing Group ©

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BREAKING

The Whitechapel Whelk

tablet hide and seekThis fake news was bought to you courtesy of the Bob De Niro Donald Trump Appreciation League ©

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Dogwalker held after finding 12th body in a week

The Whitechapel Whelk

buddy-the-border-collie-5_32296_2009-09-06_w450Mr Dell’s dog pictured putting a brave face on it last night

An East London man has been arrested on suspicion of murder after he reported finding a twelfth dead body in a week while out walking his dog

Toby Dell, 35, an unmarried forklift truck driver from Whitechapel was yesterday remanded in custody at Horseferry Road magistrates court and will appear at The Old Bailey in December.

Dell, described by neighbours as a bit of a loner, reported finding found his 12th mutilated corpse in a week while walking his dog in Victoria Park in Bow at 3.00 am on Monday.

Police became suspicious when they noticed that his clothes and hands were bloodstained and that he had a meat cleaver stuffed into his waistband.

A police spokesman told a press conference: “We began to harbour suspicions after he reported finding 3 bodies in 24 hours while walking his…

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BREAKING: New Owner of Trump Baby Blimp Highly Delighted With eBay Purchase

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PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

The Whitechapel Whelk

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a huge and diverse city like London can be an exacting and even perilous business at times, where myself and my colleagues frequently put our own safety firmly on the line.

Take Tuesday evening as an example. My team were sent to police the Thames Walk area around London Bridge where thousands of England football fans had gathered to watch the World Cup clash against Colombia on the big screen.

My prime concern was that people would be drinking heavily, both prior to, and during the game, and that trouble could ensue as a result.

So, with this in mind, I began confiscating alcohol from people at London Bridge station on the off chance that they could be potential troublemakers.

By 7.00 pm, I had more than enough to see me through the evening and ended up being sick down the front of a woman’s dress during…

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I’ll protect vulnerable Scots from Sun’s rays with my big face says, Olly Murs

The Whitechapel Whelk

olly memeBig-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has vowed to shield the fair-skinned people of Scotland from harmful UVA rays during the current heatwave by blocking out the sun with his massive dial.

Murs told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “If I can prevent one single Scotch person from getting sunburned by using my gigantic face, then my life will not have been in vain.”

The Dance With Me star plans to stand on a hill close to Hadrians Wall and blot out the Sun between the hours of 11.00 and 16.00 when the rays are at their most harmful.

It is believed that over 30,000 millilitres of sun cream will be applied to Murs’ gargantuan face by a team of over 50 makeup artists before he takes up his position at 11.00am today.

If you have fair skin like a Scotch person and are concerned about exposure to harmful UVA rays…

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