Scotland in Shock At “Irn Bru is English” Revelation




An advert for Irn Bru from the olden days


Millions of Scots were reeling last night after the manufacturers of the iconic soft drink, Irn Bru, revealed yesterday that the recipe came originally from England, and that the first ever can of the popular beverage carried a Cross of St George logo and bore the legend: Irn Bru, “Made From Bowler Hats & Brollies”

The great grandson of Irn Bru’s founder, A. G. Barr, Tam “Irn” Barr, has now stunned the entire Scottish nation, whose love for the bright orange beverage led to it being dubbed “Scotland’s 2nd favourite drink”, by revealing that it was, in fact, his English great grandmother who came up with the recipe, allegedly to boost her elderly husband’s flagging stamina in the bedroom.

According to Mr Barr, the first production line was set up in Whitechapel in East London in 1909, but the drink proved unpopular with the cockney locals on the grounds that it didn’t mix well with gin and caused the local delicacy, jellied eels, to ferment in the stomach.

Production was then moved to Glasgow later that year where the drink was enthusiastically welcomed by Scots throughout the country, who still enjoy both it’s versatility when mixed with Scotch Whisky and Buckfast Tonic Wine, and the concussive effect the bottles have when hitting each other over the head with the empties during domestic squabbles at weekends.


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Trump Claims Victory After Not Grabbing Clinton’s Pussy During TV Debate



“Don’t even think about it mister!”


In the aftermath of the latest bitter presidential debate, beleaguered Republican nominee, Donald Trump, has claimed victory over his Democratic Party rival, Hillary Clinton, and has told the media that he has conclusively demonstrated his suitability for office by not grabbing her pussy during the live TV debate.

Trump told reporters last night: “I think I have proved beyond all doubt that Donald J Trump is the right man to lead this great nation by not grabbing Hillary’s pussy or making any other type of sexual advance during the debate.

“I didn’t even try to kiss her for Pete’s sake. Although, you can be pretty damn sure she wanted me to. When you’re a star, women almost demand that you come on to them sexually, and you can bet your life Hillary’s just like all the rest. Especially if she’s anything like her old man was when he was in office.”

Mrs Clinton hit back furiously last night: “The sheer arrogance of this man is breathtaking. The last thing on my mind during the debate was being kissed or having my pussy grabbed by Donald, whatever he may think to the contrary. Not even Bill is permitted to do that sort of thing while I’m campaigning and we are both more than happy with that arrangement”

A spokesperson for the TV studio that staged the debate told us: “Initially we were a little apprehensive. We were afraid that Mr Trump might grab Mrs Clinton’s pussy at some point, especially if she started winning the debate.

“In order to try and prevent this, we positioned the two rostrums a good distance apart, so if Mr Trump moved towards Mrs Clinton, and if one of our security staff considered that he was going to grab her pussy, he would have sufficient time to wrestle him to the ground and hold him until the cops arrived.”

The current race for The White House is thought to be the most acrimonious since the Nixon/Kennedy struggle in 1960 when Nixon accused JFK of dropping his pen under the table during a TV debate so that he could look up Nixon’s trouser leg.


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1960s Sporting LegendsWho Suffered With Constipation Issues

The Whitechapel Whelk

THIS WEEK: Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris. Chelsea FC.


NEXT WEEK: England goalkeeping legend, Peter Shilton drinks a bottle of prune juice and goes to a scary movie in an effort to shift a particularly stubborn rocket.

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The Whelk’s TV Choice

The Whitechapel Whelk


CHANNEL 5 18.15: Now That’s Funny. – Entertaining fly-on-the-wall documentary which features footage of Simon Cowell suffering a crippling bout of diarrhoea and sickness on a crowded beach, and of Donald Trump being run over by a spiked steamroller…twice.

MORE 4 21.00: Hitler: The Rise and Fall – Fact-based drama chronicling the events of 21 August 1944 when the beleaguered Fuhrer got up to turn the television over and tripped over Eva Braun’s handbag

TCM 21.00: The Big Red One. – A biopic based on the life of porn movie legend, John Holmes. Includes the famous scene in which Holmes cavorts with two female ‘estate agents’ in a rundown property and gets his penis caught in a mouse trap.

QUEST 21.00: World’s Biggest Shipbuilders – Roly Poly Radio London host, Vanessa Feltz, gets a job as a riveter in a Glasgow shipyard

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People of Aleppo Make Joyous Preparations for ‘World Smile Day’



“C’mon! Give us a little grin you old buggers!”


There were scenes of unbridled joy and excitement in the besieged Syrian town of Aleppo last night, as what remains of its population began excited preparations for World Smile Day, which is traditionally held every year on the first Friday in October.

One clearly overjoyed resident, Mahmoud Shari, could barely contain his excitement as he  told us: “Last week I lost my wife and two of my three children during a Russian airstrike on our home, and then, yesterday afternoon, my remaining child was blown to pieces by a land mine. So, as you can imagine, I was feeling at a pretty low ebb at this point. Then, somebody reminded me that today is World Smile Day, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

“Now, I can’t wait to get out into what’s left of the street and give a big cheery smile and a wave to anybody who’s still alive after yesterday’s bunker bomb strike by government forces. Well, nobody likes an old sourpuss do they?”

In other news, people in the United Kingdom will celebrate World Smile Day by reflecting on the appointment of Diane Abbott as Shadow Home Secretary, and remembering yesterday’s altercation in Brussels when a UKIP member of The European Parliament was punched in the face and knocked out by one his colleagues.

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Scottish Parliament to Debate Controversial ‘Right To Bare Arse’ Amendment



Blatant attempt to get women and gay men interested in this skit pictured yesterday


The Scottish Assembly will today announce plans to introduce legislation that will give any native Scot, or anyone who has lived and worked in the country for more than three months, the legal right to expose their buttocks in public without fear of prosecution.

The so-called Right to Bare Arse amendment to the constitution will give millions of Scots the freedom to walk around in public with no pants on, provided their nobs and minges are suitably covered.

Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon told a press conference last night: “I believe, and my party believes, that everyone in this country should have the right to expose their arse in public. On a personal note, I can’t wait to take my seat in the Scottish parliament with no shreddies on and nor can many of my colleagues. People with faces that look like arses, like my predecessor, Alec Salmond, may consider this move old hat, but the rest of us can’t wait to crack on with it, so to speak”

Sturgeon remained tight-lipped, however, when asked to discuss a proposal by the Scottish Conservatives to allow Presbyterian women over the age of 60 the right to expose and jiggle their tits during church services on Sundays.

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People From The Midlands Largely Unaware That They Sound Like Halfwits Claims Shock Report



A Midlands man pictured trying to look vaguely intelligent last night


A survey conducted amongst people living in and around The Black Country in The Midlands region of Great Britain has surprisingly revealed that 97% of people living in the area don’t realise that their accent is so appallingly drab and lacking in anything approaching acceptability that it makes even the most accomplished and deeply respected university professor sound like a mindless, dribbling cretin.

We spoke to one man from Wolverhampton, who told us: “I completely reject the findings in this report. Our accent is perfectly fine, and no better or worse than anybody else’s in the country. Anyway, I think Professor Stephen Hawking is from The Midlands and he’s considerably more intelligent than yow”

These findings come just a year after a nationwide survey found that most people in Britain think that all Glaswegians sound like violent, drunken psychopaths, and that Cockneys come across as thieving, untrustworthy gangster types who would rob their own grandmothers and who regularly beat their wives after nights spent gambling and whoring in seedy pubs.

Author’s Note: This skit will be appearing in two well-known satirical magazines later on today. Unless their sub-editors are from Solihull


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