I Pushed Beach Bat Up Northerner’s Bottom on Holiday Isle, Whitechapel Man Tells Court

The Whitechapel Whelk

beach-bat Exhibit A in the so-called Beach Bum Incident.

A middle-aged man from Whitechapel in East London, yesterday told a court that he forced the handle of a plastic, table tennis-style bat into the back passage of a 45-year-old man from Leeds in Yorkshire, following a dispute on a Gran Canarian beach last week.

The accused man, Danny Soz, a floor moulder at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, told a court in Las Palmas, the island’s capital: “I was lying on the beach with my missus, trying to sleep off a hangover. I was just dozing off when I heard this northern bloke shouting the odds and acting the giddy arseole. He then started playing beach tennis with his old woman, and at one point, their ball landed right next to my towel.

“I admit I had a few choice words with the bloke and may have been a bit sweary, but I…

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The Whelk’s Classic Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

The Whitechapel Whelk

THIS WEEK: The Rolling Stones: Honky Tonk Women

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Facebook Man Changes Avatar to ‘frail-looking’ Roger Moore ‘to be on the safe side”

The Whitechapel Whelk

roger-moore-the-saint Mr Kelly pictured taking no chances last night

 
A man from Whitechapel in East London has changed his Facebook avatar to a picture of Roger Moore as ‘The Saint’ after noticing that the octagenarian star was looking a bit frail.
 
Jed Kelly, 58, told us: “I noticed Roger was looking a bit two bob on the telly the other day, so I’ve changed my avatar in case he pegs out at some point in the not too distant future. I mean to say, it pays to be on the safe side doesn’t it? I don’t want to get caught out like I was when Grizzly Adams snuffed it.”
 
Mr Kelly, unemployed, has changed his avatar to a pic of a dead celebrity 157 times since he opened his account in 2001. “I’ve paid my respects to the lot,” he told us. “Mr Spock, David Bowie, Lemmy out of…

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Storm as British Wing of Black Lives Matter Impose ‘No Blacks’ Ruling

 

 

black-lives-matter

The political wing of Black Lives Matter pictured at their HQ in Chelsea last night.

 

There was mounting criticism in some quarters for the British version of the American, Black Lives Matter, pressure group last night after their president, Julian Boddington-Smythe, announced that the group were imposing a strict ‘whites only’ policy.

Boddington-Smythe, 22, the son of a Surrey stockbroker, spoke to SoZ Satire shortly after his release from police custody last night; following his arrest, and that of 8 of his white colleagues, at a sit-down protest at London City airport yesterday morning.

Wearing a Saville Row suit and a “Roots Me Bredrin” t-shirt, the unemployed former sociology student said: “We’ve been attacked in the Tory media for not having any blacks at the protest this morning and that’s because we don’t want any. We get a bad enough press as it is without having any gangsta types jumping on the bandwagon. We can’t be expected to take on the white establishment and fight for our oppressed black brethren with those sort of people in tow for God’s sake.

“The rules are that you must be white-British, middle to upper-middle class, and with a proven history of being a spoilt and demanding, disruptive pain in the arse almost from birth.

“People with names like Tarquin, Jemima, Gerald, or Sophie are particularly welcome; but we don’t want any Winstons, Delroys or Darrishas thank you very much.”

A spokesman for Black Lives Matter in Montgomery, Alabama expressed surprise when we told him of the no blacks ruling last night.

“Say what? he told us “No goddamn niggers in a black pressure group? Those limey assholes must be crazy man. With any luck, one of the brothers from one of the other limey hoods will drive by their boss man’s crib and bust a cap in his skinny white ass”

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Lord Janner’s Links to Paedophilia and Vaz Gay Sex Romps ‘private matters’ Says Corbyn.

 

corbyn voltaire quote

Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, last night described the allegations of historical sex attacks on children by Lord Greville Janner and the cavorting with rent boys by Labour colleague, Keith Vaz, as ‘ private matters of little consequence’

Janner died last year after a huge controversy over whether he should face trial for an astonishing 22 counts of sex offences against young boys carried out over decades.

The adulterous, three times married opposition leader was speaking to journalists about the scandal surrounding fellow Labour Party stalwart, Keith Vaz, who was exposed by a tabloid newspaper at the weekend following drink and drug-fuelled antics with male prostitutes.

“In my view, allegations such as these and those against Lord Janner, a well-respected and recently deceased colleague, are private matters of little consequence and little more than Zionist, Tory media-fuelled attacks against my leadership,” Corbyn said.

“I suggest we move on from this sort of scurrilous muck-raking and address more serious issues such as the recent move to the right in Cuba and overcrowding on trains. I had to sit on the floor in one the other day you know?”

Corbyn is due to address a rally of his supporters in Hull tonight where he is expected to pledge his support for working class serial rapists in Venezuela

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Bermondsey Burned Down to Commemorate Great Fire of London

The Whitechapel Whelk

bermondsey Residents of exclusive Lockyer Street pictured waiting patiently for their homes to be razed to the ground yesterday

Thousands of Londoners gathered to watch last night as Bermondsey, in South East London, was set ablaze in a spectacular display to commemorate the Great Fire of London, which reduced the capital to smouldering ruins 350 years ago last Tuesday.

Incendiaries were placed at strategic points around the run-down docklands district before being triggered at 9.00pm last night. Crowds cheered wildly as they watched the spectacle from across the river at Millwall Dock.

One man from Whitechapel in East London, who had bought his wife and five children along to enjoy the event told us: “This is probably the best day of my life. Of course, we wouldn’t have had to bother with all this if the Germans had made a better job of it during the war. I just hope they…

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Ask Gunga Den: The Whitechapel Pub Landlord Who Can’t Be Trusted Around Women.

The Whitechapel Whelk

gunga den

Dear Gunga

I’m an 18-year-old Asian male who has fallen deeply in love with the most beautiful girl.

She’s the same age as me and we’ve been friends since we were children. The thing is Gunga, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep my true feelings hidden. I desperately want to tell her how I feel, but I’m petrified that she’ll reject me outright; or even worse, tell me that we can only ever be friends.

We work together on a clothes stall in Whitechapel market so I have to see her every day and it’s such a struggle to keep my emotions and my deep love for her under wraps.

Please help I beg you Gunga, for I’m trapped in a living hell here. I simply can’t live without her love you see.

Sandeep Anwar
Commercial Road
Whitechapel

*************

Dear Sandeep

Is this the little Punjabi sort with the…

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