WEATHER UPDATE: Whitechapel battered by Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair

See the source imageWhitechapel in all its splendour before the furious onslaught of the Thunder Bastard

It is being reported that the London district of Whitechapel has been battered by the storm dubbed the Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair and that significant damage to property has been suffered.

Bill Giles at the Met Office told BBC viewers this morning: “Sadly, Whitechapel has borne the brunt of the Thunder Bastard and a number of homes have been blown down during the night.

“It’s too early to say if there’s been any loss of life as it’s still a bit dark outside but we’ll have a look on the CCTV for any bodies lying in the street when it’s a bit lighter”

In related news, Bermondsey in South London also bore the full fury of the Thunder Bastard with residents reporting that thousands of pounds worth of improvements have been made.

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Airport Twitter storm Brexiter had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets says eyewitness

brexit 50pThe staunch Brexiteer who went viral on Twitter last Friday when he complained about the length of the queue at a Dutch airport, had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets and not passport control according to an eye witness

Colin Browning, who tweeted, ‘This wasn’t the Brexit I voted for’, was also lampooned for his tweets on immigrants, gays, and female sports commentators.

He was ridiculed throughout the day by thousands and even trended on Twitter following his outburst about having to wait 50 minutes to get through passport control at Schiphol airport.

However, according to a female traveller who was standing behind the 55-year-old, he was actually in the queue for the ladies toilets, presumably by mistake, although this hasn’t yet been confirmed

Mrs Tracy Dell, 43, told newsmen: “This gentleman was just in front of me in the queue for the ladies.

“The back of his…

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Brexit made me a millionaire after just one hour claims Scottish fisherman

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A delighted Boyle pictured last night

A 64-year-old Scottish trawlerman has made the astonishing claim that he became a millionaire just one hour after Britain left the European Union.

Mikey ‘The Buckfast Kid’ Boyle from Glasgow, a scallop fisherman working out of the port of Arbroath, told local newsmen: “It’s unbelievable. Now that we’ve left the EU, the price of scallops will be rocketing to an all-time high of around 500 quid each, on top of which, we’ll have the entire sea to ourselves now that all the European boats have been booted out of our waters.

“Based on this, I’ve calculated that I was a millionaire just one hour after Britain was freed from the draconian constraints of the EU diktats.

“Of course, I haven’t got the cash in the bank just yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Michael Gove and Boris told me that”

When asked how he was going to spend his Brexit bounty, Boyle grew expansive: “Ah’m going tae go oan the big boay’s ginger and drink ’til ah cannae see straight” he confirmed.

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Local man’s hatred for chatty and convivial supermarket woman in check-out queue reached murderous level

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.

“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.

“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.

“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”

Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.

If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.

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Man-Coronavirus far more debilitating says world health body.

man coronavirusThe World Health Organisation stated last night, that, according to research, men suffering from the virulent, coronavirus disease will experience debilitating symptoms far in excess of those suffered by women

A WHO spokesman told a news conference last night: “It has now been established beyond any shadow of a doubt that men with coronavirus will suffer far more debilitating effects from the illness than their female counterparts

“A male sufferer can expect to be confined to the sofa with a box of man-size tissues and the TV remote control for anything up to six weeks.

“Doing any form of work around the house will be totally out of the question, and, in extreme cases, they may even have to be helped to the toilet and up the stairs to bed by a female partner.

“Women, on the other hand, will feel quite unwell and physically weak, but will still be…

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Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

brexit busA 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White Crusaders.co.uk.

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in…

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Prince Andrew Bombshell: I was in a Whitechapel pie and mash shop when FBI tried to contact me

kellysBeleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has claimed that he was in a pie and mash shop in East London when the FBI were trying to gain his assistance with their investigation into his close friend, the late Jacob Epstein and his links to sex trafficking.

A spokesman for Prince Andrew said last night: “His Royal Highness wishes for it to be known that he was in Kelly’s pie and mash shop in Whitechapel High Street during the entire time the Bureau were trying to contact him.

“He had pie, double mash and liquor with fruit pie and custard for afters.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a receipt so you’ll just have to take our word for it.”

We spoke to the shop’s owner, Bill Kelly last night who denied that Prince Andrew was in his eaterie at the time: “No mate”, he told us. “I’d have remembered something like that

“Mind you…

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