Pitbull butts into opera performance to deliver 15-minute, bangin’ gangsta rap

The Whitechapel Whelk

Pitbull-pitbull-rapper-31223228-421-594Opera Butt: Pitbull pictured looking absolutely delighted with himself last night

Rapper and songwriter, Pitbull, surprised a well-heeled audience at The Royal Opera House in London’s Covent Garden last night when he raced onto the stage during a performance of Puccini’s, La Boheme, and delivered a 15-minute-long rap, interrupting the alto soprano’s rendition of Your Tiny Hand Is Frozen.

The 38-year-old Miami-born star, who has famously featured in various hit records down the years, often appearing to butt in for no apparent reason, began gyrating wildly and pointing the mic at the astonished soprano, who he referred to repeatedly as ‘baby girl’ during his impromptu performance.

He was eventually removed from the stage amid a cacophony of loud booing and catcalls by a stagehand standing in the wings who hauled him off using a hook attached to a long pole.

This latest incident comes just a year after, pop icon…

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The Conman On The Mount: Boris Addresses the Multitude

The Whitechapel Whelk

boris on the mountAnd lo, Boris stood upon the hillside and a great multitude gathered before him, and he spake unto them, saying:

“Blessed are the Brexiteers for they shall be called the fuckwits of God

“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst during the post-Brexit recession for they shall be satisfied with extra acorn gruel if there’s any left over

“Blessed are they who believeth in Brexit for they shall see unicorns, pink ones…in sunlit uplands.

“Blessed are the racists for they believeth that leaving Europe will mean fewer Africans in the doctor’s waiting room

“Blessed are the armchair economists for they shall understand Brexit’s fiscal fallout better than the CBI, The Dept of Trade and Industry, and The Governor of The Bank of England

“Blessed are the fornicators for they shall be called, The Children of Boris, along with a good many others I shouldn’t wonder.

“Blessed are the elderly for…

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I blew my kids’ inheritance on fancy shaving products says local woman

The Whitechapel Whelk

See the source imageTaylor’s. Just one of the exclusive gentleman’s grooming outlets that Mrs Dell has blown her kids’ money in.

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.

Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.

“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building…

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Local internet troll blinded after emerging from dimly-lit bedroom

The Whitechapel Whelk

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A 32-year-old Whitechapel man with convictions for internet harassment was blinded by sunlight on Monday morning after leaving his poorly-lit bedroom for the first time in over 3 years

Forest Waldren, unemployed from Commercial Street, suffered retinal trauma when he opened his front door to leave for the local benefits office who had demanded an interview with him to explain why he hadn’t made himself available for work since November 2014.

His mother, Nadine, 52, told The Whelk: “It was pretty shocking, to be honest

“Forest opened the door and then let out this scream of pain.

“I rushed over to him and asked what was wrong and he just kept repeating, “I can’t see, mum. I can’t see!”

“It was quite upsetting really, although we weren’t that close

” In all honesty, I didn’t see much of him. I used to leave his meals outside his door, and, once…

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Jacob Rees-Mogg to be appointed Minster of Deceit

The Whitechapel Whelk

Jacob speaking latinIt was rumoured last night, that staunch Brexit hardliner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, will be appointed, Secretary of State For Deceit in New Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s first Cabinet reshuffle later on today.

This will make the Old Etonian backbencher responsible for issuing ludicrously optimistic statements about the United Kingdom’s fiscal outlook post-Brexit, as well as for brazenly denying any semblance of dire economic consequences as a result of a disorderly Brexit, should one take place.

Speaking from outside his Surrey home last night, Rees-Mogg told newsmen: “All of this is purely conjecture and media chatter, but if I were offered the position, I would welcome the opportunity of hoodwinking the electorate by issuing a constant torrent of misinformation and downright falsehoods whenever the situation called for it.”

When questioned about whether he would also be prepared to gloss over the new PM’s alleged domestic violence issues as well as his constant…

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Facebook man gradually developing murderous hatred towards ‘thread stalker’

The Whitechapel Whelk

facebook smallA 43-year-old man from Whitechapel has told a local newspaper that he is slowly developing such an intense dislike towards a man on his friends list who makes comments on his every post that he now feels comfortable with the idea of murdering him in cold blood.

Toby Dell, a research chemist, told The East London Gazette: “Every single time I update my status, this bloke makes some sort of inane comment, often in the style of a character from a popular comedy show, such as Harry Enfield and Friends, or Dick Emery.

“Even when the subject matter is a serious political topic, this chump pops up with an inane comedic reference.

“Last week, I posted that my mum had passed away and he showed up as Unlucky Alf from The Fast Show and responded with, ‘Bugger!”

“It was then that I began to realise that I would cheerfully hack…

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Facebook to introduce, Odious, Right-Wing, Knuckle-Dragger List

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Social media giant, Facebook, is to give users of the platform the chance to move people on their friends list, who exhibit, unsavoury, extreme right-wing tendencies, into a category that will run in tandem with their regular friends list but will keep these individuals isolated and unable to vent their swivel-eyed rantings on the user’s timeline.

A spokesman for Facebook told newsmen last night: “We’ve all had people on our lists who, completely out of the blue, begin barking out vitriolic, neo-nazi diatribes during a reasoned discussion on a political issue, such as Brexit, or Britain’s relationship with the Trump administration.

“We have therefore decided to introduce an Odious, Right-Wing, Knuckle-Dragger List where users can consign these ocean-going fucknuts to cyber oblivion.”

This latest move comes after Facebook was recently presented with a 50-million-strong online petition, calling for people who post pictures of their dinners or their unpleasant-looking children to be turned out of their homes and then hunted down by armed gangs with dogs.

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