Nigeria in talks with UK for the return of Jacob Rees Mogg

The Whitechapel Whelk

Jacob speaking latinFollowing recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.

Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water

In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset…

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Local woman now comfortable that her fleeting fantasy of butchering husband will endure forever

The Whitechapel Whelk

lizzyA 34-year-old Whitechapel woman has come to accept and even embrace the fact that the fleeting thoughts she had of brutally killing her sleeping husband following a flaming row will be forever lodged in her subconscious, periodically surfacing whenever a bitter argument develops between the two.

Tracy Dell has now come to terms with the premise and is wholly at peace with the fact that her murderous fantasy of hacking at her husband Toby with a hatchet before butchering his corpse will be a constant for the rest of her life.

She is also extremely comfortable with the imagined denouement of the bittersweet gore fest in which she puts the pieces of his dismembered body into bin bags and throws them down the rubbish shute at their apartment block in Mile End.

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Local man wanted to administer Kronos-style castration to ‘veering’ fellow shopper

The Whitechapel Whelk

kronosA 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that his towering rage at a man’s erratic guiding of his supermarket trolley became so intense that he wanted to sever the man’s genitals with a sickle just as Kronos did to his father, the Titan, Uranus, in Greek mythology.

With flecks of spittle visible around his lips as he recalled the incident, Toby Dell, a toolmaker from Leman Street, told us: ‘This piece of human detritus kept veering from side to side in the aisle.

‘He seemed to have no thought for others as he aimlessly meandered across various aisles like the fetid scum he so clearly was.

‘I immediately thought of how Kronus hacked off his father, Uranus’ genitals and tossed them into the sea and felt an overwhelming desire to inflict the same punishment on this piece of vile sub-human rubbish.

‘Luckily for him, I had no weapon to…

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Eurosport wins bidding war to screen Ghana fan having a wash before World Cup final

The Whitechapel Whelk

washSports broadcasting minnows, Eurosport, have made a successful bid to live stream a Ghana soccer fan carrying out his ablutions on the morning of the World Cup final on Sunday 18th of December.

The fan will be seen washing at the sink in his hotel room, cleaning his teeth and brushing his hair before setting off for the big match.

It is understood that Eurosport have also struck a pay-per-view deal that will enable premium viewers to watch him waiting outside for a bus to the ground.

Eurosport beat off competition from a number of minority broadcasters with a bid believed to be in excess of two hundred pounds, although the right-wing British TV company, GB News, pulled out when somebody told them that the fan was likely to be black.

The unnamed man will receive a fee of twenty-five pounds plus a complimentary bottle of Brut 33 splash-on lotion…

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Flatulent Local Woman Found Hanged Following Boyfriend’s ‘Tubby The Tuba’ gag

The Whitechapel Whelk

tubaA woman and tuba during the olden days

A 22-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in the shed at her home in Leman Street yesterday after an off-the-cuff humorous remark from her new boyfriend sent her spiralling into a crippling, swirling vortex of depression and self-recrimination.

Jade Carter, a legal secretary, had told friends that her new boyfriend quipped that she sounded like the popular 1940s children’s musical character, Tubby The Tuba, when she broke wind while walking home from an evening at a local restaurant two weeks ago.

Miss Carter’s Aunt, Tracy Dell, 35, told The Whelk: ‘Jade was feeling really down since her boyfriend’s remark.

‘It was only their second date, so she was hoping to continue making a good impression.

‘Only last week, she confided in me that she was really into this guy, so I can only imagine that the Tubby The Tuba joke pushed her…

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Song Lyrics For Intellectuals

The Whitechapel Whelk

Marvin Gaye (1968) - I Heard It Through The Grapevine

EDITOR’S NOTE: Marvin was actually a close friend and confidante of Prince Charles – as he was then, now King Charles III, of course.

The pair would often roam the seedier districts of London together in the evenings, frequenting a favoured opium den in Gerrard Street, Soho, where they would smoke a number of pipes before visiting The Royal Opera House in Covent Garden to watch a production of an Italian opera or a ballet performed by The Bolshoi.

They were once ejected from the venue after a drug-addled Charles spotted a buxom soprano singing an aria from La Boheme and bawled from the royal box: ‘Look at the f******g lungs on her, Marv. You don’t get many of those to the pound, my son’

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Subbuteo Table Soccer To Launch Oppressive Qatari Regime World Cup Edition

The Whitechapel Whelk

Subbuteo_arenys_de_muntTable soccer icons, Subbuteo, have announced that they are launching a World Cup edition in time for the start of the tournament on November 20 which will feature all the thrills of the greatest football show on earth while also representing the oppressive, homophobic, stance of the Qatari government.

Players will be able to choose which of their favourite country’s teams to represent.

Then when the match is underway, each player will be awarded bonus points for hurling homophobic abuse at gay-looking plastic spectator figures in the crowd.

These stylishly-dressed, well-coiffured figures can then be flicked around, Subbuteo style, outside the ground to simulate the battering they can expect from the local cops when making their way back to their hotel post-match.

The deluxe edition even features a replica ‘hell hole’ jail, complete with whipping post where players can dish out a punitive flogging designed to beat the gayness out…

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Doting Local Mother Blind to Fact That Child Looks Like Shit On A Stick

The Whitechapel Whelk

extra WTF!A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman is blissfully unaware of the fact that her 6-year-old son is as ugly as sin, despite repeatedly being made aware of the youngster’s unappealing appearance by family members, neighbours, and friends.

Jade Carter, from Leman Street, insists that her son, Marvin, is a vision of child beauty and has been without equal in the looks department since the very dawn of time.

She habitually posts pictures of the boy on social media, despite the fact that she is harangued and trolled without mercy by users, appalled by the hideous aspect of the youngster.

Miss Carter told us: ‘Marvin is the best-looking kid ever and people who accuse him of looking like Benny Hill or of having a face that would stop the clock are just jealous.

‘Whenever I post pics of him on my Facebook, my friends are so awestruck by how lovely he is it…

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Eamonn Holme’s Painful Fall Buoys Nation

The Whitechapel Whelk

Pilchard SpittlejohnHolmes pictured in happier times at a New Years ball in 2014

Beleaguered Brits received a much-needed boost to their flagging spirits yesterday when news broke that right-wing TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, had fallen down the stairs at his home, fracturing his shoulder in the tumble.

The former Good Morning Britain presenter, who now hosts his own show on the right-wing TV station, GB News, was already recovering from surgery on a painful back issue.

It is now understood that he will be absent from the screens of Britain’s bigoted racists and Brexity thundercunts for at least six months, news which has buoyed millions of Brits who are struggling due to the fiscal effects of a catalogue of Tory government blunders as well as the devastating collapse of Britain’s economic standing following the decision by elderly racists to quit the largest trading block in the world, thinking it would get…

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Lorraine Kelly and Joe Biden Have Been Exchanging Underwear For Quarter Of A Century, Claims Report

The Whitechapel Whelk

pantsA pair of Kelly’s vintage ‘bloomers’ pictured last night

According to a report from The Trans-Continental Research Group, daytime TV legend, Lorraine Kelly, and US President, Joe Biden, have been exchanging their underwear via air mail since 1997.

The report claims that the pair hit it off during Kelly’s two-week break in Florida in ’96, where she proposed the idea of mutually swapping underpants to the then-congressman.

Biden apparently accepted the proposal after consulting his wife and staff members, since when the pair have exchanged over six thousand pairs of lacy panties and boxers.

Kelly, 97, told newsmen last night: ‘There’s nothing sleazy or untoward about our agreement.

‘It’s just our way of showing mutual respect and reinforcing the warmth of affection that we share.

‘Kelly then laughed as she explained: ‘His wife, Jill, often helps him select suitable items from his pants drawer and will scold him if he…

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