Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

Ladies. When sending me a text enquiring about a locking nut on a BMW Mini Cooper, always ensure you check the auto correct function on your smart phone. This will eradicate the need for me to allow a little bit of wee to escape when you inform me that you’re interested in “licking but”

Absolutely true story that happened no more than an hour ago. Isn’t that right Stacy of South London? :)

 

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice #3

television

TCM Movie Channel. 22.45:  8mm.

Film documentary which follows pop icon Justine Bieber’s progress and reveals the result as he undergoes a series of penis-enlarging operations at The Royal London Hospital, Whitechapel.

Warning: This programme may contain traces of female hilarity.

justin

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Ryanair To Introduce “Terrorism Tax” On All Flights

michael

KERCHING!

Irish budget airline, Ryanair, were heavily criticised last night after they revealed plans to hike the cost of fairs on all flights from Dublin in case the plane was destroyed in a terrorist attack and bereaved families are awarded compensation.

The CEO of the company, Michael O’ Leary, famous for introducing a number of penny pinching measures, including charging passengers to go to the toilet, said last night “We’re raising ticket prices on the off chance that one of our flights is brought down by terrorist anti-aircraft fire or destroyed in a bomb blast. The way we look at it, the families of the dead victims will probably receive large payouts at some point and we don’t see why we should be instrumental in feathering their nests for free to be honest with you”

This latest news will further upset Ryanair passengers, who only last week, were told that the oxygen masks would be connected to a “Pay As You Breathe” meter in the event of a de-pressurisation emergency

 

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

I just heard ageing rocker, Mick Jagger, say on the radio, and I quote:

“Ah was born in a crossfire hurricane”

He then went on to say that he howled at his ma in the driving rain, that he was raised by a toothless, bearded hag and that he was schooled with a strap right across his back.

His torment didn’t even end there however, as he goes on to state that he was drowned, washed up and left for dead and that just prior to this, his feet were so sore they bled.

What I’d like to know is where were social services when all this was going on? If you ask me it’s just another case of one of Britain’s vulnerable youngsters being let down by an uncaring society.

Milly Hendrix

Altamont Motor Speedway

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Today’s Weather For Facebookers

sozsatire:

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would probably rate my complete and utter glee when writing this one at about 10 zillion :D

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

weather man

“There’s an area of heavy irony moving in from East London babes. Wuff oo!” xoxoxoxoxo.

There will be widespread LOLs across the entire region this morning followed by intermittent ((((((HUGS))))) and a few scattered cat pictures.

In the afternoon a deep depression will settle over most parts with a number of boxes containing plagiarised words of wisdom and earnest political dogma, these may bring occasional blurred pictures of hideous looking offspring becoming widespread in some areas.

Towards evening there could be varying amounts of private messages, some of which could be quite heavy, with prolonged attachments containing small amounts of male genitalia bringing long spells of dryness in the female gusset region. Testosterone levels will be particularly low in this area.

Overnight there will be periods of light to heavy vomiting with occasional heavy bursts of incontinence as an area of lager, combined with fizzy white wine, settles over the…

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German World Cup Reveller Invades Poland In Shopping Trolley

nazis

Delighted German fans greet the victorious german team coach outside Nuremberg airport

 

Polish authorities last night revealed that following Germany’s victory in Sunday’s World Cup final, a drunken fan was pushed across the border in a shopping trolley while his mates stood and cheered.

The un-named 23 year old male, later apologised and took on 3 Polish immigrants to work for slave wages, building a new conservatory at his home in Bavaria.

There were also unsubstantiated reports that a Borussia Dortmund fan attempted to annexe The Sudetenland following the match, while a celebrating Stuttgart season ticket holder reportedly walked slowly down a line of kneeling, elderly Jews, shooting each one in the back of the head.

More harsh and uncalled-for xenophobia in just a few moments.

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Saudi Woman Given 100 Lashes For Opening Erratic Driving School

saudi woman driver

“Bye then dear. In next lesson we teach you how to strip syncromesh from gearbox when pulling out of driveway”

 

There was widespread condemnation last night as news emerged that a Saudi Arabian woman had been subjected to a public flogging after she opened a small business aimed at teaching women how to be a dangerous menace when behind the wheel.

The woman, aged 34, was tied to a post in the middle of Rijadh and given 100 lashes before being taken to a local prison where she will serve 10 years hard labour and have 12 penalty points added to her driving licence.

It is believed that she planned to teach women a number of motoring  skills, including how to stall the engine while attempting to pull away from the lights with the handbrake on, driving the wrong way down one-way streets, appallingly ill-judged parallel parking, scraping paintwork and snapping off wing mirrors when reversing into the garage, and also tips on applying full make up while hogging the overtaking lane on  the motorway.

Rudimentary mechanical skills were also on offer which included how to run out of oil and destroy the engine, despite being repeatedly told by a man to keep regular checks on the dipstick, leaving the lights on overnight to completely drain the battery, in-car sweet wrapper dropping, and how to undo the top three buttons on a blouse and stand alongside a car looking forelorn and pathetic, holding a car jack, in the event of a puncture.

Basic road etiquette was also included in the 3 day course, including, how to pull over and start crying after getting hopelessly lost a quarter of a mile from home, stopping alongside friends to chat on busy A roads and screaming hysterical, foul-mouthed abuse at other road users during the menstrual cycle.

This latest controversial incident comes just 2 weeks after a woman from Qatar was stoned to death in the town square for telling her husband to slow down a bit on the motorway in direct contravention of the state law on back seat driving.

Reuters

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