Wave Of Apathy Sweeps Nation As Satirical Mag Announces Halloween Edition

sozsatire:

That’s all folks!

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

soz halloween edition FP

I bet you can’t wait can you? *cocks pistol*

There was practically no reaction at all on Tuesday of this week as Soz Satire, a satirical magazine famed for it’s anonymity and risibly poor content, announced the forthcoming launch of their Halloween edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, told an empty press conference in York Hall Bethnal Green.

“The lack of reaction has been absolutely astonishing. We haven’t been as studiously ignored as this since we launched the Bumper Xmas Edition in 2012! In fact I’d go as far as to say that the sheer apathy, combined with a kind of hurtful refusal to even acknowledge our existence, has taken our breath away.

“To be honest we can’t wait to get cracking on the November Guy Fawkes issue. The prospect of miserably  looking at the turgid viewing stats each day, and the crestfallen looks on the faces of the writers when…

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Judy Finnigan Apologises For Raping Footballer Live On Air

 

judy finnigan

Finnigan looking visibly aroused as she is pictured leaving a West London police station last night

 

Former ITV presenter, Judy Finnigan, has issued an apology for raping a 25 year old footballer live on air in yesterday’s edition of the Loose Women programme.

Finnigan, 112, subjected Sheffield United striker, Ched Evans , himself a convicted rapist, to a prolonged and brutal attack, during which her visibly upset co-presenters repeatedly threw buckets of water over her and made a number of failed attempts to pull her off.

In a statement to reporters from outside her home in Wimbledon, South London, Finnigan said

“I should like to apologise for raping Mr Evans live on air yesterday. It was a spur of the moment thing and not something I’m particularly proud of. I just hope my many fans will stand by me, and that I’ll be allowed to get on with presenting Loose Women for at least a couple of weeks or until my case comes up in court”

This latest incident comes just a few months after her husband, Richard Madeley, also 112, was charged with lewd conduct in a public place after he was spotted masturbating in his local Shell garage by the girl at the cash desk.

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

In their smash hit single, Barbie Girl, the bald one out of Aqua says “Life in plastic, it’s fantastic” However I strongly disagree as I foolishly listened to this false promise and climbed into a black bin liner and lay down in the back garden, waiting for my life to improve.

Unfortunately it was a Wednesday which is the day the bin men collect the rubbish and I was thrown into the back of the dustcart and killed instantly in the crusher.

Once again it’s a case of privileged, overpaid pop stars flying directly in the face of the health and safety regulations while poor old Joe Public has to suffer the consequences.

Toby Stretchmarks

Republic Of Ireland

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

BBC4 20.00: Majesty And Mortar

Hilarious footage taken from The Royal Family’s private film archive which shows royal prankster, Prince Harry, pushing The Queen into a cement mixer.

Warning: Contains graphic images of ermine-trimmed knickers.

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UKIP Leader Farrage Interns German Wife In Shed

farrage with b&w minstrels

Farrage pictured last night inspecting the contents of his attic

 

Leader of the right wing United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farrage, last night revealed that he has interned his German born wife, Kirsten, in the garden shed at their home in Surrey.

Farrage, 75, told reporters “It was a tough decision to make but I felt it was the right thing to do for the country. The kids are a little upset admittedly, but I’ve explained to them that it was probably only a matter of time before mummy went out and took somebody’s job or committed a sexual offence of some description. To be perfectly honest I had no idea she was German when I married her. I asked her why she had a funny accent of course but she told me it was because she was from Sheffield”

Farrage then became agitated and slammed the door when reporters questioned him about the recent disappearance of a number of local Indian takeaway delivery men and the lynching of a 60 year old Italian waiter from a bistro in nearby Dorking.

Reuters

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

I have just heard on BBC 5 Live News that an American jet fighter has crashed near Spalding in Lincolnshire. A United States Air Force spokesman said that  “both pilot and co pilot had ejected”

What a wonderful testimony to the bravery of the United States military that despite the life- threatening peril they were in, these men still had the iron nerve and  indomitable will to have a wank.

Gus Vaginal-Eruption

Spalding

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LeTtErS tO LoYbOChkA: A Soviet Love Affair Part II

soviet vibro

The following is the second of Comrade Danski’s affectionate letters to his sweetheart in distant Petrograd. I found this one particularly moving in all honesty, and after putting it down, had to stiffen my upper lip somewhat with a rather large vodka and tonic.

My most darlingest of darlings

I am thinking of you constantly at the tractor factory my beloved Loyby. This morning I was stripped and beaten quite severely by Comrade Foreman for writing your initials with spoon handle in gruel during glorious lunch break.

I am hoping things are well for you at bomb factory and that projected 5 Year Plan targets are being exceeded, my most darlingest of darlings. Comrade Production Manager told workforce last night that if we put in an extra 20 hours per week we will be allowed a small piece of haddock on Fridays, and a free bar of abrasive soap will be given to entire workforce, to be shared equally on alternate Wednesdays. Once again our heroic leaders lavish their beloved proletarian comrades with previously undreamed-of bounty. How the capitalist hyenas and their painted jezebels must envy our lives of hedonistic ease.

Still no sign of Comrade Cat my darlingest darling. Last night I am putting out saucer of beetroot scrapings but still he doesn’t come home. Comrade Wife says he is dead from exposure, but with the night time temperature still not dropping below -80 Celcius I am knowing this is rubbish. I notice too that Comrade Wife is gaining weight. She is saying it is bloating from starvation but I’m not sure. To be on safe side I will report her to secret police in morning in case she is exceeding heroic cabbage ration.

How I long to tear off your boiler suit and daub political slogans over your heaving, proletarian bosoms!

Kind Regards

Comrade Danski

Apt Bloc #27

Vladivostok

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