SITUATIONS VACANT: Cartoonist Wanted

sozsatire:

This is a genuine request and I’ll be pathetically grateful to anyone who can help us out with this one.
Ta.
Clivey

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

pictures_u51_a06117

An out-of-date issue of a satirical magazine pictured being largely ignored last night

A well-appointed, London-based, satirical magazine is actively seeking somebody who’s quite good at drawing to illustrate a cartoon strip I’ve conceived, which features an alcoholic superhero as its main protagonist.

The successful applicant will be given a crippling deadline to produce 5 frames of half-decent cartoonery for absolutely no pecuniary reward whatsoever. However, in an almost unbelievable act of largesse, I’m offering an all- expenses-paid look at a picture I accidentally took of my foot using my phone when I was pissed last Friday night.

Bone-idle art students with fuck all to do all day other than to watch The Jeremy Kyle show and/or to masturbate periodically into a sock, will be fast-tracked to the top of the shortlist.

So if you know one end of a crayon from the other, are soundish in wind and limb…

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Have You Ordered Yours Yet?

blog o mate

Have other members of the WordPress family been berating you over your tardiness when it comes to “liking” or commenting on their blog? Do you regularly visit the site of one of your favourite bloggers only to find that 30 or more of your peers have already beaten you to the punch and got their “likes” nicely squared away?

Well those days could be well and truly behind you with this ingenious little anal implement. The Blog O Mate Butt Plug Of Hope will ensure that you never have to play second fiddle to your fellow irritants again, ever.

For details on how to get yours by return of post (possibly)… read this!

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!the-wordpress-blog-o-mate-butt-plug-of-h/c1kla

Order yours today and receive one of our “I’ve Got Far Too Much Time On My Hands” t-shirts absolutely free!

See the little boxes below for a list of satisfied customers.

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Mob Attacks Satirical Magazine Offices As Wave Of Apathy Turns Nasty

Soz Offices

The plush, Soz Satire Office, looking resplendent, shortly before being attacked by a baying mob

A baying mob of over 200 furious bookworms and newsagents last night stormed the offices of the controversial satirical magazine, Soz Satire, following the launch of their eagerly anticipated, Halloween edition.

Wielding burning torches, pitchforks and assault rifles, the mob entered the building just before midnight, smashing everything they could get their hands on and setting fire to the office cat. First reports claim that thousands of pounds of improvements were made.

The reaction to the new issue wasn’t all bad though, as we discovered when we randomly interviewed a number of passers-by last night:

“I found the new Halloween edition thought provoking, insightful, mildly educational and searingly erotic. My only complaint is that there’s no facility for “liking” or commenting” – Clivey Dee

“I was released from prison earlier this morning, and used the new Halloween edition to jemmy open the door of a local jewellers. I’ll definitely be buying the November issue” – Gary Hoadley #128648634

“I read the Halloween issue in the billiard room and to my surprise my wife Shirley bought me up a selection of cold cuts with various delicious relishes and a bottle of vintage Krug without me having to beat her” – Mike Steeden

“I was a sickly shell of a man with no stamina or zest for life, and whose libido was virtually non-existent until I read the brilliant new Halloween edition. Now I’m running a thriving bawdy house in Rotherham where I’m pimping for 25 bitches, twelve of whom I’ve made pregnant. Thanks Soz Satire” – Inchcock

“I used to live in the Caribbean hell-hole of Curacao, cavorting daily with a variety of dusky young lovelies, who would peel my grapes and fan me with their pants. Now thanks to the Halloween issue of Soz Satire I have a one bedroom studio apartment in Pyong Yang where I spend my days masturbating to pictures of Trotsky and listening to Lulu records” – Lenny Van Ree

“Nothing I can say about the fabulous new Halloween edition will carry any weight as I’m named after a dingy area of South London. I bet it’s really great though!…especially my skit!” – Mic Norbury

“I’m not in this issue because I sent my copy in too late, so it’s probably really shit. I bet it picks up next week when my skit about taking a dump gets published though!” – Bill Jago

“My graphics and artwork was the laughing stock of the entire United Kingdom until I picked up a copy of the brilliantly illustrated, Soz Satire Halloween edition. Now I’ve been nominated for the Turner Prize and have been asked to turn out for Sheffield United Ladies in their forthcoming FA cup third round tussle with Manchester City” – The Artful Dodger

To get your copy of the scintillating and life-changing Halloween issue simply click this link and we guarantee your whole world will start rocking almost immediately…in all probability.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

SOZ Satire - Ocotober 2014

No blacks, Irish, Staffordshire Bull Terriers or Millwall fans.

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Wave Of Apathy Sweeps Nation As Satirical Mag Announces Halloween Edition

sozsatire:

That’s all folks!

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

soz halloween edition FP

I bet you can’t wait can you? *cocks pistol*

There was practically no reaction at all on Tuesday of this week as Soz Satire, a satirical magazine famed for it’s anonymity and risibly poor content, announced the forthcoming launch of their Halloween edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, told an empty press conference in York Hall Bethnal Green.

“The lack of reaction has been absolutely astonishing. We haven’t been as studiously ignored as this since we launched the Bumper Xmas Edition in 2012! In fact I’d go as far as to say that the sheer apathy, combined with a kind of hurtful refusal to even acknowledge our existence, has taken our breath away.

“To be honest we can’t wait to get cracking on the November Guy Fawkes issue. The prospect of miserably  looking at the turgid viewing stats each day, and the crestfallen looks on the faces of the writers when…

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Judy Finnigan Apologises For Raping Footballer Live On Air

 

judy finnigan

Finnigan looking visibly aroused as she is pictured leaving a West London police station last night

 

Former ITV presenter, Judy Finnigan, has issued an apology for raping a 25 year old footballer live on air in yesterday’s edition of the Loose Women programme.

Finnigan, 112, subjected Sheffield United striker, Ched Evans , himself a convicted rapist, to a prolonged and brutal attack, during which her visibly upset co-presenters repeatedly threw buckets of water over her and made a number of failed attempts to pull her off.

In a statement to reporters from outside her home in Wimbledon, South London, Finnigan said

“I should like to apologise for raping Mr Evans live on air yesterday. It was a spur of the moment thing and not something I’m particularly proud of. I just hope my many fans will stand by me, and that I’ll be allowed to get on with presenting Loose Women for at least a couple of weeks or until my case comes up in court”

This latest incident comes just a few months after her husband, Richard Madeley, also 112, was charged with lewd conduct in a public place after he was spotted masturbating in his local Shell garage by the girl at the cash desk.

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

In their smash hit single, Barbie Girl, the bald one out of Aqua says “Life in plastic, it’s fantastic” However I strongly disagree as I foolishly listened to this false promise and climbed into a black bin liner and lay down in the back garden, waiting for my life to improve.

Unfortunately it was a Wednesday which is the day the bin men collect the rubbish and I was thrown into the back of the dustcart and killed instantly in the crusher.

Once again it’s a case of privileged, overpaid pop stars flying directly in the face of the health and safety regulations while poor old Joe Public has to suffer the consequences.

Toby Stretchmarks

Republic Of Ireland

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

BBC4 20.00: Majesty And Mortar

Hilarious footage taken from The Royal Family’s private film archive which shows royal prankster, Prince Harry, pushing The Queen into a cement mixer.

Warning: Contains graphic images of ermine-trimmed knickers.

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