British Ebola Victim Killed By Hospital Mash

sozsatire:

It’s the unpalatable truth I’m afraid.

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

graveyard

Patients at The London Hospital, Whitechapel pictured last night letting their dinner go down

The British nurse flown back to this country to be treated for the deadly Ebola Virus a fortnight ago, has lost his fight for life after falling victim to a serving of National Health Service mashed potatoes, a hospital spokesman told reporters last night.

The man, whose family have been informed, began convulsing violently before falling into a coma after consuming steak and ale pie with peas and mash. It is believed that the lumpy consistency of the potato was too much for his already depleted immune system and he passed away as a direct result.

This latest tragedy comes hot on the heels of a previous incident which occurred last week when a 40 year old man, in hospital for a minor gall bladder operation, died suddenly after eating a bowl of stewed prunes and…

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Stampede Horror As Justin Bieber Receives Acid Bucket Challenge

sozsatire:

Here’s one I fantasised about earlier…

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

justin

Thirty people were killed and many more injured in the city of Toronto yesterday as over a thousand music lovers stampeded, in a frenzied attempt to reach the home of pop icon, Justin Bieber, who had, previously that day, been challenged to have a bucket of concentrated sulphuric acid tipped over his head for charity.

The online challenge was believed to have been issued by long time acting friend, Orlando Bloom, who threw the task open to all comers on a first come, first served basis. As a direct result people rushed from their homes in a desperate bid to douse the star in the highly corrosive agent, resulting in a tragic accident which left tangled bodies lying lifeless in the street and many more writhing in pain with terrible crush-related injuries.

Bieber himself was unavailable for comment last night having reportedly fled the country, but his mother, Dolores, 107…

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Independent Scotland Will Bid For Axis Of Evil Games

scotsman

“It’s nae the winning, it’s the getting aff yer heed at the closing ceremony”

 

Scottish separatists have announced plans to bid for the 2016 Axis Of Evil Games if they gain independence from The United Kingdom in the forthcoming referendum.

They will join North Korea, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Cuba, Belarus and Zimbabwe in a rigged ballot for the games next year. The three week sporting extravaganza will then be staged in the capital of whichever of the rogue states can come up with the biggest bribe or issue the most credible underlying threat.
A spokesman for The Scottish Independence Party told reporters last night:
“We want to move away from the old repressive values of The British Empire and to break free from the yolk of Westminster’s rule, so what better way than to align ourselves alongside some of the most murderous and corrupt regimes on the planet.
“A free and independent Scotland must surely by definition be a sworn enemy of the countries that have for so long kept us fettered and downtrodden. We shall therefore shore up our defences and close our borders against the Welsh, the English and Northern Irish while extending the hand of friendship to those states who would see our former oppressors crushed and broken”
The games themselves are expected to feature a number of disciplines, including The 100m Dissident Dragging Behind A Horse, The Electrified Pole Vault, Capitalist Hyena Shooting, Beheading The Hostage, Stoning The Adulterous Whore, Aircraft Hijacking and School Playground Bombing.
Despite Scottish pleas to the Axis Sporting Council, tossing the caber, heavy drinking, mumbling incoherently, wife-beating, razor slashing and playing appalling Association Football have been ruled out as too extremist.
Associated Press

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

In their smash hit single, Don’t You Want Me Baby, lead singer of The Human League, Phil Oakey, says: “I picked you you, I shook you up, I turned you around” He then has the temerity to wonder if she wants him or not.

Once again it’s a case of pop stars using their fame as an excuse to abuse and manhandle women.

O.J. Simpson

25 Pistorius Crescent

Sierra Leone

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

When trawling through the murky recesses of The Dark Web looking for illegal drugs always remember to take a torch. The other day I paid a man in Thailand £20,000 for 2 kilos of uncut heroin only to emerge with a box of Persil Non-Bio washing powder. On the bright side my whites have never been whiter.

Mr Big

Stanford-Le-Hope

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Dear Soz

josef

 

Dear Soz Satire

Put an end to all this fevered speculation about whether Sir Cliff Richard has a predilection for underage boys by putting him in a locked room with a pre-pubescent schoolboy. If he immediately jumps from his chair and starts bumming him furiously the case against him is proven beyond doubt. If he merely curls  his upper lip and begins singing Bachelor Boy just charge him with disorderly conduct and let him go free.

G. Glitter

Thailand

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

I’m going to propose marriage to pop legend, Kate Bush, to save her from the constant embarrassment of having a surname that is a smutty euphemism for the female sexual organ.

Tony Throbbing-Loveshaft

Cockermouth

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