“I’ll Use My Big Face To Eclipse The Sun If Scots Vote yes” Olly Murs

olly

“I gotta big face!”

English pop star and fierce pro- United Kingdom supporter, Olly Murs, has vowed to deprive the Scots of the sun’s life-giving rays by standing on top of Hadrian’s Wall, where he will use his huge face to bring about a total eclipse that will plunge the entire country into eternal winter.

Speaking at a “Better Together” rally in Aberdeen last night, the Dance With Me Tonight singer, told cheering pro-Great Britain supporters. “I’m a Londoner first and foremost but I quite like Britain too, so if the Scottish people vote to break up the United Kingdom on Thursday I wont hesitate to blot out the sun with my massive dial, causing eternal night to descend on the country. Yes I realise this will cause all who choose to live in my shadow to perish, but it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay to preserve our beloved union”

“Scottish Nationalist Party leader, Alex Salmond, seemed undaunted by the threat when he spoke to reporters last night. “Let Olly do his worst. I doubt very much if anyone will notice anyway. The last time the sun came out here was in June 1993 when a rogue area of high pressure claimed over 3000 Scottish lives through skin cancer”

This latest threat from a celebrity comes just days after broadcaster and journalist, Vannessa Feltz, told listeners on her BBC London phone-in show that if the Scots vote to quit Great Britain she was going to sit on Arbroath and flatten the entire population with her gigantic arse.

Press Association

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Ask George: The Canine Angling Expert & Relationship Counsellor You Can Trust

george nuts

“Tight Lines!”

Dear George

I’m a middle-aged woman with rapidly fading looks and a burgeoning waistline who foolishly thought she had found true love and a lifelong soul mate, until something happened last week that bought my entire world crashing down around my ears.

I had been out for the day, doing a spot of coarse fishing on the River Swale in Yorkshire. It had been a slow day in that regard with just a few small roach and an 8oz Perch to show for my efforts. It was a bit of a chilly one so I packed my tackle away early and came home.

When I got back I called out for my partner but there was no reply. Thinking he was upstairs taking a nap I went up to the bedroom. What I saw there will remain with me until the day I die.

My boyfriend, and the man I had come to love and trust over the preceding months, was in bed with our Airedale Terrier, Bertie. They were kissing passionately and were clearly having sex.

Unseen by either of them I fled from the room in tears and rushed to the bathroom, where I vomited over and over before laying down on the floor, shaking and crying my eyes out.

I confronted them both later that evening when my lover admitted they’d been romping behind my back for months and that they wanted to be together. I threw them both out that same night and have been absolutely distraught ever since.

Please help me if you can George as I’m feeling so low and so alone right now. I’ve started drinking heavily and have even thought of taking my own life on a couple of occasions. I just don’t know which way to turn to be honest with you.

Yours Faithfully

Sally Ripper-Territory

Huddersfield

*************************************************************************

Dear Sally

Yours is a fairly common problem, particularly at this time of year when the fish start to go off the feed due to the cooler weather.

I suggest you give the rivers a miss for the time being and opt for a stillwater venue, where there are still plenty of big Bream, Carp, and of course, Pike to be found that will readily succumb to a well-presented bait at this time of the year.

All the very best, and of course, “Tight Lines!”

George.

For all your angling or relationship-based problems why not call one of George’s helplines:

0800 29875 – Finding A Piking Hotspot/Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction

0800 57892 – Chub Fishing Using Natural Baits/Vaginal Dryness Issues

9800 67584 – Which Groundbait?/Too Tiny For Love

0800 13983 – Livebaiting For Big Pike/Embarrassing Itching

0800 58976 – Stillwater Ledgering For Bream/It’s Over In Seconds

0800 60985 – Carping For Beginners/Trapped Inside A Woman’s Body

0800 58214 – River Fishing In Winter/Bondage & Sado Masochism Tips

0800 79873 – Specimen Perch Hunting/I Think I Might Be Gay

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Mossad Models Inc. Proudly Present: My Little Palestinian

broken doll 3

“She sheds real blood!”

 

To commemorate the recent bloodbath in Gaza, we at Mossad Models are immensely proud to offer you this beautifully crafted replica of the shattered body of a Palestinian baby.

Each exquisite piece is lovingly hand-crafted at our world renowned House Of Zion factory in Washington DC and comes complete with a number of delightful and realistic little accessories, including sachets of real Type O Negative blood, which can be used either internally in your doll to simulate fatal, blast-related injuries, or can simply be splashed over it’s tiny body, replicating the blood- spatter pattern from the shattered corpse of it’s slain mother.

For just a few extra dollars, The Deluxe Model also comes with detachable limbs, which can be strewn around the room, or even tossed into the back yard to replicate an Israeli air strike on a residential area.

We are so convinced that you will be delighted with your purchase we are offering a no questions asked guarantee, so that in the unlikely event that your My Little Palestinian fails to bring pleasure to the entire family, your money will be refunded in full within 28 days or as soon as the next slaughter of the innocents begins, whichever’s sooner.

Shalom and may your god go with you.

B. Netanyahu

CEO  Associated Atrocities Ltd

Tel Aviv

 

 

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Dear Soz

josef

Dear Soz Satire

Children’s homes owners. Raise half a million pounds overnight by dressing around 30% of your homeless orphans in dog costumes and setting fire to them.

Marvin Gormless

Manchester.

Footnote: This brief but earnest little satire was to express my utter consternation that a fire at a dog’s home in Manchester attracted a veritable flood of donations which reached over £500.00 in a matter of hours, while children’s charities are lucky, in some instances, to raise that sum in a year.

A radio journalist who dared raise the same concerns was branded “worse than a paedophile” by one overwrought cunt of a woman. No really!

As Plato said to Euripedes down the boozer one night: You couldn’t make it up could you son?”

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Clivey & Gaz In: Invigorating Inchcock

sozsatire:

Here’s one I penned earlier. It’s a heartwarming, everyday story of caring, sharing, brain-drilling folk.

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

clivey mini me

Smudge by The Artful Dodger

Written by Clivey Dee

Tea and precious little sympathy by Gary Hoadley

Scene One: The Public Bar In The Boyleyn Tavern, Green Street, East London. The Lads Are Seated At A Corner Table.

“Fancy another pint Clivey? It’s my round squire”

“To be honest Gaz I’m too worried to drink right now son. I’ll just leave it at 15 pints if it’s all the same mate”

“Worried? What are you worried about Clivey? What is the thing that is currently worrying you mate?”

“It’s Inchy Gaz”

“Inchy? What you worried about Inchy for mate? The boy’s as fit as a butcher’s dog son”

“That’s just the thing though Gaz. He isn’t you see. He might put on this hale and hearty act on the blog and pretend he’s never had a day’s illness in his entire natural, but in actual fact nothing could be further…

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Dementia Sufferers Ambivalent On New Government “Care Tax”

dementia sufferer

A dementia patient pictured putting a brave face on it last night

 

Britain’s dementia patients are said to be largely unconcerned about the latest government proposals to introduce a so-called “care tax” which will leave sufferers having to fork out a whopping two thirds of the bill for their care if they are hospitalised.

Mr Terry Maryson, 85, from Stepney in East London, and a sufferer for 15 years, merely stared blankly at our reporter when questioned before wandering out into the street in his pyjamas and slippers, while his 79 year old wife, Tracy, a fellow dementia patient with a 9 year history of the disease, tried to put the ironing board into the dishwasher before falling out of the kitchen window.

The Observer.

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

BBC3 20.00:  Being Sixteen In 2014

Revealing interview with silent movie actress, Joan Collins, in which her inability to be absolutely candid about her age is once again laid bare.

Warning: This programme contains more than a trace of bare-faced lying, self delusion and whale bone corsets.

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