Danny Sparko: Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

tough guy

“No legal constraints too complex. No acts of violence too extreme”

 

Dear Danny

I’m a 21 year old female graduate who has just secured my dream job working in a biscuit factory in Dublin in The Republic Of Ireland. The only problem I have is trying to find accommodation close to my place of work. Everywhere is either too expensive or has gone by the time I get there.

The only available place I’ve been able to find these past weeks is a flat share with a 40 year old man who wants me to sleep with him as part of the rent arrangement. The thing is he’s very unattractive and doesn’t appear to wash very often. When I hesitated about taking his offer he became quite abusive and called me a lesbian.

Please help me if you can Danny as I so want to work in a biscuit factory just like my mother did before me. I just don’t know where to turn any more.

Jade Peak-Frean

Eire

***********************************************************************

Dear Jade

As soon as I got your letter I dived round to see this sleazy arseole and booted the door in. I found him hiding under the bed in his underpants so I dragged him out by one leg and gave the boy a few tasty toe-enders in the Niagras. He’s started flapping his gums something cruel at this point, calling for his mum and crying like a girly, so I’ve stuck some gaffer tape over his north and south and started to go to work.

First up, I’ve given the mug a few tidy shots to the kidneys and solar plexus to sicken him. I’ve then gone back “upstairs” and broke his jaw and cheekbone with a peach of a right-hander. He’s hit the deck like a sack of spuds and appeared to be passing out on me at this juncture, so I’ve pulled out a life-preserver and given the sap a few tasty clumps on the back of his knees to liven him up a bit.

I’ve then pulled a blade, tugged his pants down and sliced his Hampton Wick off. This didn’t take me long to be honest love. The biggest problem I had was finding it!

At this point he’s started screaming and hollering heroic style so I’ve given him a few more digs to the swede and body and thrown the cunt out the window.

I don’t think he’ll be bothering you again now sweetheart. The flat’s empty now by the way so move in any time you fancy it. I don’t want no money off yer girl but a nice box of your mum’s all-butter scones would go down a treat with me and the chaps at the office. Know what I’m saying Treacle?

All the very best for the future darlin’ and be lucky eh girl?

Respectfully Yours

Danny

East London

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

television

 

BBC1 20.45: A Taste Of Britain

Overweight journalist and broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz eats The Yorkshire Moors before wolfing down a fairly large chunk of Perthshire.

Warning: This programme may contain large quantities of Botox.

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Dear Soz

 

josef

 

Dear Soz Satire

Police. When deploying water cannon during civic disturbances, why not add some chunks of ice to the tank reservoir. That way you’ll not only cause serious injuries to the rioters but they’ll be obliged to donate £3.00 towards the battle against Motor Neurone Disease.

S. Hawking

Brief History Villas

Easy Street

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95% Of Americans Will Have Accidentally Killed Each Other By 2050 Concludes Survey

massacre

Pupils and teachers from Alabama State High School pictured taking an enforced break during a class nature walk yesterday.

 

A shock investigation by a popular American magazine has revealed that by the year 2050 an incredible 95% of American citizens will have accidentally killed each other by the negligent discharge of firearms.

The in-depth analysis comes just weeks after a young black male was shot dead in the street by cops who mistook his hands up gesture to be a threat to the lives of themselves and fellow officers, and the accidental fatal shooting of a firearms instructor by a 9 year old girl last week.

Fightin’ And A Feudin’ magazine also claim that by the turn of the next century the American armed forces will have entirely wiped themselves out, along with 97% of Nato forces, in friendly fire incidents.

A spokesman for the National Rifle Association Of America played down the report last night. “We at the NRA totally refute these findings. Every American citizen has the right to bear arms under the constitution and if a few sorry sonsofbitches get caught in the crossfire then all I can say is they probably had it coming”

Clivey Dee. Popular Hedgehog & Live Ammo Weekly.

 

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British Ebola Victim Killed By Hospital Mash

sozsatire:

It’s the unpalatable truth I’m afraid.

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

graveyard

Patients at The London Hospital, Whitechapel pictured last night letting their dinner go down

The British nurse flown back to this country to be treated for the deadly Ebola Virus a fortnight ago, has lost his fight for life after falling victim to a serving of National Health Service mashed potatoes, a hospital spokesman told reporters last night.

The man, whose family have been informed, began convulsing violently before falling into a coma after consuming steak and ale pie with peas and mash. It is believed that the lumpy consistency of the potato was too much for his already depleted immune system and he passed away as a direct result.

This latest tragedy comes hot on the heels of a previous incident which occurred last week when a 40 year old man, in hospital for a minor gall bladder operation, died suddenly after eating a bowl of stewed prunes and…

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Stampede Horror As Justin Bieber Receives Acid Bucket Challenge

sozsatire:

Here’s one I fantasised about earlier…

Originally posted on The League Of Mental Men:

justin

Thirty people were killed and many more injured in the city of Toronto yesterday as over a thousand music lovers stampeded, in a frenzied attempt to reach the home of pop icon, Justin Bieber, who had, previously that day, been challenged to have a bucket of concentrated sulphuric acid tipped over his head for charity.

The online challenge was believed to have been issued by long time acting friend, Orlando Bloom, who threw the task open to all comers on a first come, first served basis. As a direct result people rushed from their homes in a desperate bid to douse the star in the highly corrosive agent, resulting in a tragic accident which left tangled bodies lying lifeless in the street and many more writhing in pain with terrible crush-related injuries.

Bieber himself was unavailable for comment last night having reportedly fled the country, but his mother, Dolores, 107…

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Independent Scotland Will Bid For Axis Of Evil Games

scotsman

“It’s nae the winning, it’s the getting aff yer heed at the closing ceremony”

 

Scottish separatists have announced plans to bid for the 2016 Axis Of Evil Games if they gain independence from The United Kingdom in the forthcoming referendum.

They will join North Korea, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Cuba, Belarus and Zimbabwe in a rigged ballot for the games next year. The three week sporting extravaganza will then be staged in the capital of whichever of the rogue states can come up with the biggest bribe or issue the most credible underlying threat.
A spokesman for The Scottish Independence Party told reporters last night:
“We want to move away from the old repressive values of The British Empire and to break free from the yolk of Westminster’s rule, so what better way than to align ourselves alongside some of the most murderous and corrupt regimes on the planet.
“A free and independent Scotland must surely by definition be a sworn enemy of the countries that have for so long kept us fettered and downtrodden. We shall therefore shore up our defences and close our borders against the Welsh, the English and Northern Irish while extending the hand of friendship to those states who would see our former oppressors crushed and broken”
The games themselves are expected to feature a number of disciplines, including The 100m Dissident Dragging Behind A Horse, The Electrified Pole Vault, Capitalist Hyena Shooting, Beheading The Hostage, Stoning The Adulterous Whore, Aircraft Hijacking and School Playground Bombing.
Despite Scottish pleas to the Axis Sporting Council, tossing the caber, heavy drinking, mumbling incoherently, wife-beating, razor slashing and playing appalling Association Football have been ruled out as too extremist.
Associated Press

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